DP judging everyone by his own impossibly high standards

[applesandapear]

I’ve had enough of my DPs general attitude towards other people. He is constantly judging others based on his own standards and to be honest I’m starting to question if he’s even a good person

Some examples

1. If the house isn’t impossibly clutter free he acts like I’m disgustingly unclean (I’m not!)
2. He has a hobby, let’s say cycling as to not be too outing. He can cycle a certain event in say an hour which is a very very good time. The average person would be happy to achieve the same event in say 1.30-1.45 and be very pleased. Someone posted on FB that they did it in 1.48 (huge achievement) and he said it was embarrassing and they should have done better!!
3. Told me I’m not achieving anything as my priority is raising our children not earning as much money as possible - I’m sorry but raising well rounded happy children is a massive achievement in my book!
4. Said that I don’t take any responsibility for things because he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out. My argument was that I cannot read his mind and therefore cannot be expected to ask all questions he wanted if he hadn’t told me!

I think it’s appalling to be honest. Have your own high standards fine but don’t make others feel like s* when their achievements are different to your own!
AIBU???

So I tried to talk to him about it this morning.

He said re: the insurance call issue I should take responsibility as I am an adult. He then refused any further discussion.

I sent him a message, non confrontational, saying along the lines of the way you make me feel is unhappy, I should not be made to not feel good enough etc. He said 'feedback taken'

He sounds dismissive, cold and unpleasant. I can’t see any good side to this man, can you?

Blimey op, I'm sorry but what an absolute wanker.

That was it? 'Feedback taken'? Does he ever apologise for the way he makes you feel?

Your OP almost made it sound like he was demanding and had high standards towards OTHERS. The reality of it seems to be that he’s a nasty, bullying pig towards you. I throw LTB a lot, so here’s another one. I give LTBs out like sweets, because I genuinely don’t think anyone has the right to make someone else miserable and to essentially ruin their life for the sake of.... what, even. A family unit? What kind of family unit has one bulky and one sufferer, and a kid or two in between. I can never see how staying with a horrible person is worth it. If he won’t discuss or accept that this isn’t fair on you and take steps to improve it, then take your one and only life and move on.

Apollo - I can only recall maybe 2 apologies. One where I ended up in tears over being forced to prove I didn't have the cash for something for baby and I can't remember the other time precisely so not sure if it is twice or just the once...

*bully not bulky FFS

thewaronpeace - he has very high standards of everyone just only seems to voice it to me!

Op, send him one word text back.

Wanker.

And I do hope you're not doing shit for him. Cooking, laundry etc.

I ended up in tears over being forced to prove I didn't have the cash for something for baby

What? This just gets worse. What is your financial situation, @applesandpears ?

He effectively made you beg for cash for something for his own child?

From everything you've said so far, please end this relationship and protect your child.

Three word text back:
Not good enough.

The next time he tells you how you should be doing something, say 'Feedback taken' and carry on exactly as you are.

If he makes you unhappy leave him - you don't need a 'valid reason'.

He sounds controlling. :(

Run. For. The. Hills.

feedback taken aka #

He’s shutting you down. If he won’t engage I fear there’s no future for your relationship. He should care whether you’re happy. He should feel upset he’s upset you.

Aka #nodebate.

He’s extremely arrogant and unkind. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Making you scrape together the money to buy things for his child. Leave him and make a claim with the CMS immediately.

I grew up with a father like this and it has been incredibly damaging for the whole family. He eventually, after many decades has improved a little, perhaps by mellowing with age and also after a few interventions, us asking him why he thinks he needs to be 'perfect' and we all need to be 'perfect' to be worthwhile. Interestingly, he always denied he was a bully but would talk about him being a victim of bullying in childhood - not seeing that he adopted those behaviours with his family in adulthood.

I have been the victim of childhood sexual abuse, and rape and domestic violence as an adult. But growing up with my father has been what's caused the most enduring damage. And it's the gift that keeps on giving as whenever I encounter someone with similar traits, usually in the workplace, I react just as a did when I was a child so it has impacted my career decades later.
OP for you and your child's sake, please don't ensure this much longer and get away.

#applesandpears may I ask, what is the situation of the mother of his oldest child? Does your DH have custody and why does he think they broke up?

How she has faired my shed light on how he may treat you now and if you split. Forewarned is forearmed.

So, he's what? Taking it under advisement?
Weird.

"I feel like he has been very good at hiding this side of him until he felt I was stuck - pregnant! - with him."
And you would be right. This is NOT unknown. It's not even that uncommon .

I think you have to consider that how he is behaving now is how he is likely to behave from now on. All day, every day. Forever. So - how do you feel about that being your future?

Personally, I would be looking to re-enter my career and leave him and his nastiness. He's extremely unlikely to change. He'll probably get worse. That whole inquest he put you through to justify him spending money on the baby? When you have no income, he'll put you through that for every penny you spend. Not just stuff for the baby. How do you feel about justifying buying a moisturiser? A warm coat for winter? Shoes when your old ones are worn to holes? New knickers to replace the ones with the dodgy elastic? I think we both know that yes he would do that.

"I just don't know what to do to be honest, I don't want to break up the family if there is a way of solving it."
Living like that, you will not be a family. You will be a man with a skivvy to attend to his and his children's needs. You will not be a partner in a relationship, you will be a domestic appliance. He does not value your contribution. He will not consider you his family. I'm really sorry OP, but you won't be breaking anything up. It's already broken.

Got to agree - you don't really have a "family" - you have a despot situation. He is the despot, your are all his minions and you WILL bow down to his will or suffer the consequences. Trouble is, his older DC will be second-in-command - trust me on this - and then you and your child will have to bow down to BOTH of them.

Family, real families, operate on much more democratic principles - people are allowed to speak, to have ideas, have opinions - they might not always get their own way (especially when children) but they are not "shut down" and forced to do everything the way the Despot wants.

If you want to create a loving family environment for your child, then you need to get out of the despot situation and do so with just the 2 of you.

But it's so hard to accept that someone so clever, so able, so funny and interesting, genuinely has no ability to gain insight into and change the other side of his nature that is so destructive.
Ennirem

Well you had better start believing it, because it is all right there in front of your eyes.

The part to forget is the hopes and dreams and the person you thought he was.

If you had seen from the start as you now see him, would you have gone within barge pole distance of him?

Nakedscientist he has had two long term relationships. One with the mother of his child and another after they split that didn’t result in children.

The mother he says he left as she was lazy and had no interest in taking care of herself. (Put in simple terms - which he has pretty much said himself - she had no desire to work or have a career and gained lots of weight. Not post baby it was much later than that!)

Partner number 2 he left as he said she was selfish and he didn’t like her parenting (whilst they didn’t have a child together she did have a son from previous)

I'll bet those woman have a completely different take on why their relationships broke down. He will never see their point of view, and he will never see yours.