Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP judging everyone by his own impossibly high standards

260 replies

applesandapear · 16/10/2018 22:19

I’ve had enough of my DPs general attitude towards other people. He is constantly judging others based on his own standards and to be honest I’m starting to question if he’s even a good person

Some examples

  1. If the house isn’t impossibly clutter free he acts like I’m disgustingly unclean (I’m not!)
  2. He has a hobby, let’s say cycling as to not be too outing. He can cycle a certain event in say an hour which is a very very good time. The average person would be happy to achieve the same event in say 1.30-1.45 and be very pleased. Someone posted on FB that they did it in 1.48 (huge achievement) and he said it was embarrassing and they should have done better!!
  3. Told me I’m not achieving anything as my priority is raising our children not earning as much money as possible - I’m sorry but raising well rounded happy children is a massive achievement in my book!
  4. Said that I don’t take any responsibility for things because he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out. My argument was that I cannot read his mind and therefore cannot be expected to ask all questions he wanted if he hadn’t told me!

I think it’s appalling to be honest. Have your own high standards fine but don’t make others feel like s* when their achievements are different to your own!
AIBU???

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/10/2018 09:23

DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.

Please see a solicitor and make plans to leave this fucking horrible man.

You and baby will be fine. He will not be helping you anyway, and will just criticise everything you do with baby. But he won't help/

Please speak to someone in real life about this. Do you have anyone to talk to? Or call Women's Aid as soon as possible.

He has realised you're questioning his god-like authority and the shit is about to hit the fan.

Please get yourself out of this situation as soon as possible.

RedDrink · 19/10/2018 09:36

Don't sign and don't hire a cleaner. He'll just end up complaining about the cleaner too anyway!!!

Move out or ask him to leave.

He is a prick and now that he's shown his true nature he will continue to spend his time grinding you down to the nothing he views you and everyone else as. That's his real hobby.

Mix56 · 19/10/2018 10:03

& the reason his last gf left.... "she was lazy" etc... is what he will say about you too...
This is history repeating itself

BouleBaker · 19/10/2018 10:27

Tell him you refuse to sign. Take back control over your decisions. You are a high earner and you and your baby will be fine. It’s scary as hell now but you have two alternate futures in front of you and you need to walk into the one which keeps you sane and your baby happy.

Siun · 19/10/2018 10:36

Yes, if you're a high earner you will be ok. ONE child is just about do-able. my x did nothing but criticise me, the criticism was just relentless. he wanted me at home running a hotel/creche. I was eventually co-erced though his LOGIC Hmm (relentless logic) that it wasn't cost effective for me to work so before I knew where I was I was trapped at home with one child and another on the way and not married! I left and it was the. best. thing. I did. Thank goodness I left. i'd have been ground down to dirt by now.

Siun · 19/10/2018 10:38

So true! he will complain that you're not effectively communicating to the cleaner and managing what cleaner does. It'll all be your responsibility and he still won't be happy and it'll just be you spending your money to please him and he still won't be happy.

StormTreader · 19/10/2018 10:56

"he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out"

Sounds rather like being an adult and taking responsibility would be HIM phoning with his specific question, yes?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/10/2018 11:15

Applesandpears - STOP worrying about how anything will look to outside people. This is your LIFE we're talking about, not bloody appearances. You're not Hyacinth Bucket.

Say "fine, don't sign".
He'll sulk, threaten, whatever.
Refuse to sign yourself, say that you will NOT pay for a cleaner.

Go to a different EA, or in fact the same one and say that your soon-to-be-ex partner is a vengeful bully and you need to move by yourself to get away from him. Especially good idea if there is a female EA there (IME, may not always work of course).

Go to your parents if you can. Just anything to get away from him! If he works out that you're not going to put up with his controlling shit any more, he could get nasty. So have a back up plan to leave.

but DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.

ferrier · 19/10/2018 11:47

Applesandpears ... I hope everything is OK this morning. Have looked back over the thread and I think you rent your place..... phew. That makes things a lot easier.
Can you go and stay with your family for a while until you can sort out a new place for you and baby?
Before you go, take copies/photos of all paperwork relating to your partner's income and assets. Start looking at child maintenance.

Ellie56 · 19/10/2018 13:07

Echo what others are saying. Don't sign for the bigger house. Make plans to leave. You can do this - you really can. Don't let this vile abusive knob wear you down any more.

LaGruffaloGrumble · 19/10/2018 13:17

Please don't sign. Use this as the impetus to change things. He is a horrible bully and you deserve much, much better than this.

Mix56 · 19/10/2018 14:57

&, realistically, in my world, if my DH said the house wasn't up to his standard (he wouldn't) I would say, "well jog on Dude, clean it yourself or hire a cleaner"....

Coyoacan · 19/10/2018 15:05

I was on my own with my baby and it was so much better than being with her abusive father, who would have taken all the joy out of the situation.

Even as she was growing up and sometimes I wished I had someone to share my child-raising problems with, it was enough for me to visualise him and imagine what he would say (something about it all being my fault), and hey presto, I was happy with my lot.

idontknowwhattoput1 · 19/10/2018 15:27

Sounds like a freak... id leave

LittleMissMarker · 19/10/2018 15:46

What is he like if he doesn't meet his own standards? Is he down on himself or does he blame everyone else?

Good question. It's there in the OP - he blamed her for his failure to communicate the necessary information:

he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out.

She's becoming another of the people he blames for his own failure.

Fluffychickenmonkey · 19/10/2018 15:56

You can’t change a man like this. He’s a terrible bully

salterello1 · 19/10/2018 16:15

There’s nothing wrong with having high standards, but I suspect this is more about your own insecurities and achievements rather than his. You don’t sound suited TBH

Rubyslippers7780 · 19/10/2018 16:25

Are you ok?

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 19/10/2018 16:29

@salterello1 have you read the whole thread? It's nothing to do with the OP's 'insecurities' her 'D'H is a nasty bully.

RoboticSealpup · 19/10/2018 16:41

Assholes gonna asshole. Sorry, OP.

PortiaCastis · 19/10/2018 16:45

What a nasty headfuck the man is OP does he give marks out of ten on shagging performance too, who the hell does he think he is the big headed twat judging other people is piss poor, I'd get rid quickly if I were you

3luckystars · 19/10/2018 17:44

Why would you pay for a cleaner?
He wants it.
Not you. This is really serious.

Text him and say ' if you want a cleaner then you have to pay for it. If you mention this again or try to bully me, I am leaving'

3luckystars · 19/10/2018 17:49

Just under the word 'teeth' and read your post back to see how ridiculous this is.

'He is forcing me to pay to get a cleaner for his teeth. He says I have to pay 20% of my salary for cleaning his teeth'

He wants this cleaner not you. He is bullying you and things are so bad that you think he might be right. He is not. This is really damaging. Get help.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/10/2018 19:26

"What does he want me to do? Be trapped in the house all day as I can’t afford petrol or activities?"
Yes. Yes, that is exactly what he wants you to do. Remember, you are not family in his eyes. You are a skivvy and a domestic appliance and a subhuman and probably a whole lot more in his eyes. What you are NOT (in his eyes) is an equal partner in a relationship.

He is attempting to control you by financially abusing you.

SIGN NOTHING.

It sounds as if he is significantly ramping up his controlling behaviour, possibly because he senses that the scales are falling from your eyes. He's putting effort into getting you under the thumb NOW so that post-birth you will be so sleep-deprived/distracted/isolated that you will be very easy to control.

What do I tell them now? We’re not moving as he is trying to blackmail me into paying for a cleaner I can’t afford because of his obsessive desire for a clutter free house?

"I genuinely feel like I’m being massively gaslighted as he puts such a convincing argument over why I should pay or we don’t move even though it’s him that has the impossibly high expectations."
The 'convincing argument' concerns me. He is grinding you down. His behaviour is unreasonable, but he bamboozles you - yes, he gaslights you - into thinking that you are the one in the wrong. I think it is time for you to remove yourself from his 'convincing argument' as to why white is black and up is down. Please know that I absolutely believe that he can persuade you that unreasonable is reasonable. He's been softening you up for quite some time.

I think you should consider moving out ASAP. He will continue to drip his poison into your ear, and the sooner you are away from that, the sooner your head will clear and you will stop doubting yourself.

"We’ve told friends and family were moving. What do I tell them now? We’re not moving as he is trying to blackmail me into paying for a cleaner I can’t afford because of his obsessive desire for a clutter free house?"
Pretty much, yes. Do NOT be put off leaving him because you don't know how to tell friends and family. Most people are smart enough to know that what they see of other people's lives is a snapshot, an image, a facade - and that the reality can be very different. Be HONEST with them, you may find priceless support from them. You will certainly find out who your real friends are, and they're the only ones that matter.

But please - accept this is who he is and it will not change, and you do not want to be the third woman whose life he fucks over.

Leave. Leave ASAP.

3luckystars · 19/10/2018 20:58

Take a step back.

Swipe left for the next trending thread