DP judging everyone by his own impossibly high standards

[applesandapear]

I’ve had enough of my DPs general attitude towards other people. He is constantly judging others based on his own standards and to be honest I’m starting to question if he’s even a good person

Some examples

1. If the house isn’t impossibly clutter free he acts like I’m disgustingly unclean (I’m not!)
2. He has a hobby, let’s say cycling as to not be too outing. He can cycle a certain event in say an hour which is a very very good time. The average person would be happy to achieve the same event in say 1.30-1.45 and be very pleased. Someone posted on FB that they did it in 1.48 (huge achievement) and he said it was embarrassing and they should have done better!!
3. Told me I’m not achieving anything as my priority is raising our children not earning as much money as possible - I’m sorry but raising well rounded happy children is a massive achievement in my book!
4. Said that I don’t take any responsibility for things because he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out. My argument was that I cannot read his mind and therefore cannot be expected to ask all questions he wanted if he hadn’t told me!

I think it’s appalling to be honest. Have your own high standards fine but don’t make others feel like s* when their achievements are different to your own!
AIBU???

Oh blimey OP, I’ve seen your updates. ‘Feedback taken’. What the actual fuck! Not ‘sorry’, or ‘let’s talk about it’. I agree with a pp above - the reply to that is ‘not good enough’ (the irony being that’s clearly what he tells you all the time).

Please read back through all the advice - he doesn’t have ‘high standards’ he has a nasty, pompous, judgemental personality. Really - have a look, read your posts - imagine what you would say to a good friend or your child if they were living with this...then run, before it is too late..

Good lord, leave him. You will never be good enough, or be able to enjoy life together.

Feedback taken? Feedback taken? WTAF?

The only purpose in staying is to get your affairs in order as you plan to leave. You can not fix him. I doubt he will have any interest in being fixed even if he is aware that his circumstances in youth have damaged him.

It is not worth being slowly ground down by him and either gradually losing your sense of perspective or warring from one petty battle to another. Your DC will suffer; it doesn't matter whether they are on the pedestal or the runner up/ loser, either position is damaging.

He is not worth the enormous personal costs of being a "family" together. LTB while you and DC are still whole and undamaged

Feedback taken...but won’t be acted upon.

Maybe in the future he will find that perfectly motivated woman who can read his mind and act accordingly with his wishes, who maintains his unattainably —childish expectations— high standards, who stays whippet thin as a matter of principle, who earns a packet and keeps his home and herself spotless...but I fucking doubt it. Women like that don’t exist except in the imaginations of inadequate, unrealistic men.

This man is showing you exactly who he is. Listen. Act.

He sounds like he is the Manager. Respond to his feedback taken line with something equally work speak "Please use today to put together an action plan based on feedback given. Ive scheduled a review of the relationship in for Saturday morning. The aim of the meeting is to critically analyse your performance with a view to creating a long term solution. Failure to attend will result in instant dismissal".

Then follow it up with another text "Cunt".

"Feedback taken"
What a fucking sanctimonious prick

he has had two long term relationships....The mother he says he left as she was lazy and had no interest in taking care of herself

Gosh, he left her because she wasnt good enough. And took the child? Do they share custody or has she been cut out? Perhaps she was very, very depressed.

Partner number 2 he left as he said she was selfish and he didn’t like her parenting

Again, she didnt do things his way.

Sorry OP, as the updates go on, this man seems more frightening to me. Obviously I am just a stanger and I dont know him or his good points. I would be scared he would leave me too, and take my child. Apologies if that sounds over dramatic.

I like Tulip's response.

*The mother he says he left as she was lazy and had no interest in taking care of herself. (Put in simple terms - which he has pretty much said himself - she had no desire to work or have a career and gained lots of weight. Not post baby it was much later than that!)

Partner number 2 he left as he said she was selfish and he didn’t like her parenting (whilst they didn’t have a child together she did have a son from previous)*

So he was entirely faultless in both cases?

Anyone who doesn't have a single good word to say about any of their exes (in the absence of affair, abuse etc) always gives me the slight twitch tbh. Especially if they take no responsibility themselves, even to the extent of saying "I should have realised earlier we weren't a good fit".

He really does sound like he thinks he can do no wrong...

Op, he sounds awful. Do you think he will ever change? And, if not, can you and your kid/s really live with that?

Tulip's response is bang on. Try it with him!

Love Tulip's response

she had no desire to work or have a career and gained lots of weight.
Based on your descriptions of him, I'd also read this as potentially meaning "She was depressed and anxious as a result of spending years with me".

I’m just fed up of not feeling good enough to be honest. Even his tone of voice when he makes a comment is just awful - and if I mention it to him it’s like he doesn’t even know he’s done it

This is called crazymaking.

It is what narcissists do to the people trying to have a relationship with them..

@Applesandapear, you can't 'solve' this.

There is no magic formula that will somehow penetrate his brain or his heart and give him a personality transplant. Stop trying to explain to him what basic, civil human behaviour looks like. He doesn't want to know. What he is doing is working for him exactly the way he wants it to. If you are kicked to the floor, emotionally and psychologically, then he is the winner. That is what he wants.

Get used to that feeling of never being good enough, because he is going to keep on doing this to you as long as you are together. Afterwards he will fit you into the narrative you have heard about the two previous women he has probably come close to destroying.

I say 'afterwards' because your relationship is doomed and you should get out before he grinds you into a shadow of your former self and rendering you into a shadow of the mother you could have been if he hadn't sucked the life out of you.

Please do not fall prey to the delusion that because he displayed X or Y or Z pleasant personality traits before you got pregnant, or that because you still see flashes of that every now or then, that you will be able to coax the good back. The pleasant stuff was bait for you, and it comes out occasionally to keep you dangling. What this man is seeking in relationships is the chance to give himself a feeling of complete control over someone else, the good feeling he gets from dictating to someone else, the feeling of power he gets from telling someone what will be discussed and when .

You are in the relationship for a mutually life enhancing experience of giving and sharing and loving. He is on a power trip.

Please do not kid yourself that you can change anything about this man. He has had two chances already to learn from women what is and is not acceptable and he will go through several more before he ends up alone and bitter in a spotless house.

A question for you - do you see him actively parenting his older child?

Please help me find the strength to leave him.

We were meant to be signing an agreement for a bigger house tomorrow as ours is too small and he’s turned round last minute after weeks of building me up that he is only signing if I pay for a cleaner out of my maternity each month. For 3-4 hours a week. That’s over £120. Out of my maternity. It’s also blackmail. I’m terrified of being on my own with a baby I don’t even know where I’d go

Applesandapear, you can do this. Baby steps. First one is to refuse to sign up to the bigger house. You are right, he is blackmailing you and that’s just horrible. Then start making plans for your return to work. It is vitally important that you retain financial independence.

Then it’s looking for somewhere else to live. You’ll only need a small place for you and the baby. Don’t forget you’ll also be entitled to payments from him for your child.

Do you have any family or friends in real life who can support you through this? Either way there are so many women on here who have been through worse and they will support you. Maybe start a new thread on the Relationships board asking for advice on how to leave?

So sorry you are going through this. I promise you can do it and will thrive once you’re away from him!

Can you afford to stay where you are?

Look into housing benefit and support you’d get

Forearmed is forwarned and all that! (((Hug))))

He sounds like my x.
I was so unhappy. I tried to appeal to him to stop treating me like an incompetent employee but he couldn't. He thought I was lazy if I was tired when he wasn't, he thought I was greedy if I was hungry when he wasn't hungry. Some 'chip' missing to be frank.
So much easier now.

When you first think of leaving it feels impossible, this is often because you have been ground down however you are still the same capable person you were when you met him.Please know this.

Do you have family close by or a good friend? First step is to get emotional support
Finances will be do'able even if it feel impossible now, you will find a way.
Do you know his income to work out CMS?

You can do it.

One step at all time.

Work, childcare. Money, housing, benefits eligibility, possible child maintenance (don't rely on that happening).

Loads of us have and are doing the single parent thing. It's not easy but it can be easier than also fightung a combative partner.

"Please help me find the strength to leave him."

When you find yourself wavering, pretending to yourself that he's not that bad and it'll be OK; reread what thegreysheep posted.

I grew up with a father like this and it has been incredibly damaging for the whole family. ...

I have been the victim of childhood sexual abuse, and rape and domestic violence as an adult. But growing up with my father has been what's caused the most enduring damage. And it's the gift that keeps on giving as whenever I encounter someone with similar traits, usually in the workplace, I react just as a did when I was a child so it has impacted my career decades later. OP for you and your child's sake, please don't ensure this much longer and get away.

You at least have your adulthood to shield you. A child, YOUR child, growing up under a toxic parent has no such protection. He will bonsai you child, clipping and pinching and shaping them to serve him and his wants. Keep that in mind. Hold it close to keep you strong, for yourself and your child.

Stay exactly where you are. Don't sign the agreement for the new place. He can't throw you out.

Do you rent or own? Either way, is your name on the lease or deeds or mortgage?

What are you getting out of this relationship, OP?

I just don’t nnow what to do.

I’ve seen a totally different side of him tonight. So more much than the meeting high standards. A cold, calculating and controlling side that quite honestly scares me.

Does he really expect me to pay for a cleaner out of my maternity? £120 is a low guess as he’s demanding 3-4 hours a week your looking more at £160. I have about £1000 a month. Thats nearly 20% of my money. I have car finance, food shopping, petrol, clothes and activities for the baby. That doesn’t even leave me anything for me as it is. Car insurance, pet food. What does he want me to do? Be trapped in the house all day as I can’t afford petrol or activities?

And why would you decide that the night before we finalise moving. We look like massive time wasters to the estate agent. We’ve told friends and family were moving. What do I tell them now? We’re not moving as he is trying to blackmail me into paying for a cleaner I can’t afford because of his obsessive desire for a clutter free house?

I genuinely feel like I’m being massively gaslighted as he puts such a convincing argument over why I should pay or we don’t move even though it’s him that has the impossibly high expectations.