DP judging everyone by his own impossibly high standards

[applesandapear]

I’ve had enough of my DPs general attitude towards other people. He is constantly judging others based on his own standards and to be honest I’m starting to question if he’s even a good person

Some examples

1. If the house isn’t impossibly clutter free he acts like I’m disgustingly unclean (I’m not!)
2. He has a hobby, let’s say cycling as to not be too outing. He can cycle a certain event in say an hour which is a very very good time. The average person would be happy to achieve the same event in say 1.30-1.45 and be very pleased. Someone posted on FB that they did it in 1.48 (huge achievement) and he said it was embarrassing and they should have done better!!
3. Told me I’m not achieving anything as my priority is raising our children not earning as much money as possible - I’m sorry but raising well rounded happy children is a massive achievement in my book!
4. Said that I don’t take any responsibility for things because he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out. My argument was that I cannot read his mind and therefore cannot be expected to ask all questions he wanted if he hadn’t told me!

I think it’s appalling to be honest. Have your own high standards fine but don’t make others feel like s* when their achievements are different to your own!
AIBU???

This has really struck a cord with me as I grew up with a father just like your partner. Nothing that my mother or I did was ever good enough. Despite being very bright (university and all that) he still believes I am stupid. Nothing I say is right, nothing I do is good enough. He finds fault with everything. My confidence is shot to bits. I have low self esteem and I haven't really achieved as much as I could have in life. I rarely speak to him and my mother is a shell.

This is what you're setting yourself and your child up for. Think on.

He sounds lacking in empathy.... not a good sign.

This sounds like a horrible environment to live in. Do you have a feeling of constant low level anxiety/ walking on eggshells?
I absolutely couldn’t live like this wondering where the next criticism will come from and hearing constant negative judgements on myself and others. It will completely wear you down and you will change into an empty shell of your former self - you possibly already are through fear of annoying him.
It’s not a nurturing environment for a child to grow up in.

I hate to say this, but nothing you ever say or do will be good enough for him.

And nothing your DC ever say or do will be good enough for him.

Do you really want to raise them in this environment? You'll be setting them up for lifetime of headfuckery, to be blunt.

I am aware that a bunch of strangers on the Internet shouting 'LTB" is probably a bit overwhelming and in real life, it's not that simple to pull the rip cord. But please start thinking about your options.

Seriously.

This sounds like a miserable way to live.

Suspect he won't change....

I would not want my child to be brought up in such a toxic atmosphere....

I was,... It is shit...

Sorry...!

If you break up the family, in what ways do you think that will be worse for you all than if you don't?

What do you think can be done that would avoid breaking the family up OP?

Think about it. His way of protecting himself is to put people down. Fair enough that was his way to cope when he was a child in foster care. I get it.
But do you think he will be happy to give up the one thing that has served him so well for so long? You need a hell of a lot of insight to do that. And self confidence that he clearly doesn’t have.

So if you dint find a way to ‘help him’ or ‘change things’ what are you going to do? Stay with him just in case you find a way? Or give, give and give. Try to your best to adhere tos whilst letting him putting you down because you can’t actually tell him it’s not acceptable?
Do you see yu Self living the same life in 5 or 10 years time? And put your child through it too?

YANBU

I agree with pp that you need to think about leaving. You won’t be breaking up a family but you will be protecting your child from emotional abuse and a bullying father. He’ll be the type of man who on hearing their DC got 18/20 on a spelling test, will say ‘you got two wrong so that’s terrible’. Nothing you or your DC do will ever be good enough for him.

Having a difficult upbringing is not an excuse to be nasty. I know someone who had the worst childhood imaginable (abuse and neglect) but he is an amazing kind, gentle father and husband. He says he was shown what not to do so he does the opposite!

You don't have an "excuse" for a personality disorder, you have a reason, and an abusive, chaotic upbringing with a total lack of love is a reason, according to the experts. Some people will develop different coping strategies, depending on their genes and their character, and won't end up with the same result, others will end up like this. I've heard some awful stories from foster parents and from my son's fostered friend. You can't help but feel sorry for them. And part of this personality disorder seems to be a literal incapability to understand that their view of the world is not right, without help (which they logically won't seek)?

But whether or not it's his fault, you don't have to make it part of your everyday life. Your child is likely to have some kind of contact with him, but if you were separate it would be more controlled, and they would have the chance to experience a different kind of relationship and father figure too. In your position I'd be thinking it over carefully.

@Ennirem I'm sorry, but honestly I couldn't with any conscience recommend anyone stay in a relationship with someone you suspect of having OCPD or try to fix it or manage it or try to understand them so you can live with them. At their very heart, OCPD individuals will not recognise they have any disorder because they are so convinced they are right/normal, superior, whatever.

I know I posted a story where my husband worked very hard to change, but he is rare, exceptionally so. And that's only because in his own weird way he loves me very much and wanted to fix things, but more than anything he finally recognised his childhood was very damaged and that his dad was abusive - and he was determined not to end up like that.

The upshot is - he's a different man; truly he is. He's lovely, kind, thoughtful, funny. He's a success story if you like, BUT, was it worth it for me? Say he has a shit day at work and he's a bit grumpy because of it. He's perfectly entitled to be grumpy, as is anyone, and it's never aimed at me anymore, ever, but I'm instantly tense and anxious. It's like a light switch in me. I can't relax until he has relaxed. I'm always watching him - reading his expression, looking for signs of irritation. My moods are governed by his moods to this day.

I wasted many many hours, days, years researching, trying to understand him, working with him to change. All to the detriment of my own peace of mind, mental health and personality and character. I don't really know who I am anymore, so dictated as I have been for so many years by someone else's needs, problems and moods.

I posted on mumsnet a few years ago listing the things he was doing, and without exception everyone said the same things that are being said now on this thread. I'm a frequent name changer as I was terrified he'd recognise me. I posted so many times under different names, and always got the same answers - leave him.

@applesandapear I've hogged your thread somewhat so I'll just say one last thing. If I could go back to my younger self, I would leave before my husband had damaged me so much. I wish I had been as insightful as you are now and had recognised as you are now that this behaviour is all his fault - it's not on you.

Please consider leaving him. Honestly, he won't change and you will end up tense, anxious and downtrodden - modifying your behaviour, calculating when best to speak so as not to annoy him, walking on eggshells, consumed by tryng to understand him. No man is worth losing yourself for.

He might have high standards for other people, but he sounds like a pompous twat.

I would bin him before he has worn you down completely and starts imposing his high standards on your children. He won't change.

SadieandGeorge - sorry to armchair diagnose you but it sounds like you have, if not actual, then something very similar to PTSD. It's not uncommon in survivors of an abusive relationship, and if you're still in that relationship (Even though the nature of it has changed) it's going to trigger you regularly.

Friends of mine who have PTSD and who have left their abuser still get triggered when contacted by their ex, it must be so much worse for you. and for you.

@SadieandGeorge - thank you for being so frank with me. The feelings you describe of being so hyperattenuated to his moods are hauntingly familiar. And the not knowing who you are or what you want any more because so much of your mind is taken up with what may cause problems for/with him. It's already happening to me. Which only adds to the feelings of inadequacy his control-freakery engenders in me.

I have thought often of ending things, especially since my daughter was born. I can't bear the thought of her ending up like me, constantly spidey-sensing out her dad's mood and learning to cower around it. But it's so hard to accept that someone so clever, so able, so funny and interesting, genuinely has no ability to gain insight into and change the other side of his nature that is so destructive.

We want another child together, we both adore our daughter. So much of what we want out of life is the same, so much of how we live is co-operative and comfortable. It's just the day to day pressure for little and big things to always be 'done right' (= his way) and for nothing to ever unexpectedly go wrong, no matter how trivial... it's been so exhausting.

Stupid things like I can't run a load of laundry if it isn't the right time (good hanging out weather, maximum amount of washing that will fit in the machine) without getting grief, or hang it up the 'wrong' way, or leave the dishwasher until tomorrow (he'll always do it straight away, even if it means he has to sit up late for the cycle to finish). He seems to end up doing loads more than his fair share because it has to be done at the right time, in the right way. In some ways it sounds amazing, a husband who does all the housework - who'd complain? But it feels like a continual wordless reproach somehow. I keep wondering if I can fix my own attitude to it, just not allow myself to be bothered by his reactions and moods, and that my unbotheredness would then be the cue to DD not to be bothered... but I think sometimes (usually after reading a thread like this) that I am still punting up the river in Egypt.

All good food for thought in any case. Thank you for being so generous with your story, it can't be easy to talk about.

He's a narcissist, there is no cure.
Get your kid out of there .

ThumbWitchesAbroad thank you, and yes, you're right. That's exactly the point I'm trying to get across - that even if the abuser or the person with a personally disorder manages by some miracle to change, that will ALWAYS come with a massive cost to their partner. You give up so much of yourself to understand and help them, you ironically end up with your own mental health problems.

It's not just him who triggers me now by the way - it's anyone. Checkout girl in the supermarket a bit irritable? = me being tense. Dentist receptionist not as chatty as usual? = me being tense.

:(

why on earth have you had children with this man? they will be destined for a life full of being told how shit they are.

he sounds bloody awful

it feels like a continual wordless reproach somehow. I keep wondering if I can fix my own attitude to it, just not allow myself to be bothered by his reactions and moods

Yes, that's it exactly: the constant wordless reproach because you just never do anything correctly to his standards. You won't ever win that one, no matter how much you fall into his way of doing things. It's exhausting and depressing.

I tried the 'not being bothered' strategy. I was bothered, but I pretended not to be. I tried standing up to him. I tried ignoring him. I tried reasoning with him. I tried laughing at him & making light of it. I tried leaving the house & leaving him to it. Nothing you do will make one jot of difference. It was only telling him I was leaving, and truly meaning it - showing him that I was all set to go with having already lined up somewhere to stay, sorted out my finances, seen a solicitor - that he was shocked enough to change.

In a way, it would have been better if he'd refused to change. But still, the damage to me was already well and truly ingrained.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ocdpersonality.html

This

I keep wondering if I can fix my own attitude to it, just not allow myself to be bothered by his reactions and moods

You fix it by changing postcodes. Yours or his.

Understand this - I had an abusive ex, nothing I did was good enough, everything i did was wrong and justified the names I was called.

To survive this, the only way was to stop caring about his mood or reactions, what he thought or didn't think. Let's edit that to make it clearer:

I had to stop caring about HIM.

Then I realised that as this was the only way for me to live, that this was the end of my feelings for him, my relationship with him. Then my thoughts turned to planning my exit.

Once you stop caring, you can't get that back. relationship is dead

Your OH is awful, this is an awful way to live and a terrible rolemodel

The damage done to you and to PP Sadie above is real and irreversible.

Nobody is ever worth what men like this put their partners through

You don't want to break up the family?

Really?!

Think that through.

Your child will be learning to treat you with contempt and disdain. He'll be modelling it.

Your child will be treated with contempt and disdain when s/he messes up him/herself.

You will spend your life walking on eggshells trying to prevent him from being abusive. Yes, abusive. You are being verbally abused.

You are teaching your child to put up with abuse.

You are also teaching your child that his first child is the perfect child ... do you really think yours will also be put on a pedestal? I highly doubt it if you stay together ... he's only doing that because the mother of his first child managed to escape the asshole...

Rethink.

I'm not the OP, Hissy, my DP doesn't call me names or harangue me. His behaviour is different, to what both OP and Sadie describe but absolutely spot on to the descriptions of OCPD online, right down to the hoarding of worn out items. But he is not 'abusive' in the sense of name calling or 'ordering' me what to do - he just does everything, plans everything, all the time, before I even think of it, because he needs to have it done his way - he makes me feel redundant in my own life effectively. And he gets inordinately stressed when things don't go according to his plans, which wears me down. The situation is definitely colossally unhealthy though, I acknowledge. I read in one article today that OCPD people do very well with partners who have passive, conflict avoidant, dependant personalities and I fear that's what I'm turning into, which is the last example I want to set my daughter. It's not yet a question of not caring about him - just that I care about her more and I need to do what's best for her. Still getting there in my head basically.

He really is a bully isn't he and I'm sure you don't want your child to be subject to this. I think there's little hope of him changing and you should have a think about whether this is the family setting you want bring up your child in.
He needs a lot of counselling and it's not your job to fix him. Put your own well-being, and your child's, first.

People with very low self esteem and insecurity do this. They put others down to highlight their own virtues and strengths by default. It makes them feel better about themselves.

He is also very controlling, it's all about him and how he wishes to live, what he wishes to do, and he's sadly also a liar, as he knows what he's doing, he just doesn't wish to admit it.

I don't think he will change op, I'm sorry. Because he won't accept he's wrong and his low self esteem and insecurity will stem from child hood and be too deeply ingrained.