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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell oldest friend I’m expecting as I haven’t seen her

273 replies

AliceRR · 16/10/2018 18:57

I am 23 weeks pregnant. Started telling people properly at about 14 weeks as I was nearly that when I had my first scan.

Other than a few exceptions, eg relatives abroad, I didn’t tell people except when I saw them but most friends I saw around that time as I had actually been keeping to myself a bit during first trimester due to tiredness etc.

I have a friend who I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. She’s not my best friend but she’s my oldest friend and a good friend.

I have been in touch with her and talked about meeting up but we haven’t made any plans. I even hinted we had something to tell them by saying we had lots to catch up and and she said I was making her guess what we have to tell her! She said she’d look at the diary.

She has generally responded to some of my texts (mainly about us both trying to move house) and not others in the last few months. I last saw her in March when I invited her and her boyfriend and a few other friends out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. She didn’t reply to my last text last month.

I don’t feel like I should keep trying to contact her but don’t want to tell her by phone or text I’m pregnant. I kind of think if she isn’t bothered to keep in touch or meet up so be it.

I’m not really upset about it but don’t want to fall out with her and I’m thinking would she be annoyed if it got to next year and I had a baby and she hadn’t known I was expecting!

Realistically we might make contact over Christmas even if it’s I send her a card and she contacts me but by then we might be talking about meeting in Jan which is v close to my due date!

She lives about 2 miles away by the way not far but may be busy with work / moving house.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 20/10/2018 08:54

You’re being a bit ridiculous. Just send her a text

Original poster
AliceRR · 20/10/2018 08:59

@PurpleDaisies but if she’s ignoring my messages (generally) and then is annoyed that she doesn’t know what’s going on in my life I think that’s a bit unreasonable

@onecatshortofcrazy my messages haven’t really been “cryptic” though and she was ignoring me before!!

@AwakeNow Accoring to everyone on here she’s TTC and doesn’t want to hear in person that I’m pregnant in person so turning up at her door with a bump might not be ideal

@Whatswrongwithme1 Like I said I’m usually the one who makes more effort if I’m being honest but obviously now I’m aware that I’m pregnant and it would be weird if I didn’t tell her

Admittedly I could have just told her by text earlier but now the fact she’s ignored so many texts has made it a different issue for me and like I would with anyone else I am going to stop trying!

@JingsMahBucket We usually text and meet up and not talk on the phone as much. Maybe I should have called her but again we’re now at a point we’re Ive texted her so many times an she’s not really responding

@Rousette Yes life is too short to chase people who are not willing to put time into our friendships honestly. There is still time for your friend to get in touch.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 20/10/2018 09:03

Or alternatively don’t bloody text her then seeing as you plainly don’t want to and see what happens to the friendship.

Chances are she might have already guessed if someone texted me the “I’ve got something to tell you” message I’d probably guess that’s what it was.

PurpleDaisies · 20/10/2018 09:06

Well done for sticking to your guns despite almost everyone telling you you’re being ridiculous. Why bother posting if you were going to ignore everyone?

laceygo · 20/10/2018 09:06

i get beyond irritated with messages like “I’ve got something to tell you” .... it smacks of those cryptic facebook statuses where replies are required 'you ok hun?'
just tell her fgs

Haisuli · 20/10/2018 09:07

I'm in the text her the news camp..does she have Facebook? Could you try on there and see if she has been online? Might be a phone issue?

BakedBeans47 · 20/10/2018 09:08

anyway not to worry OP this will be in the daily mail soon so she’ll find out from there

BigApple11 · 20/10/2018 09:11

She's just not that into you.

BakedBeans47 · 20/10/2018 09:14

there are medical issues which mean they can’t do things entirely naturally. He has sperm frozen. I don’t know if that could mean things are more difficult or not but I assumed not and actually it might just be a case of deciding and then being inseminated(?

🤦🏼‍♀️Confused

Seriously OP??

Tumbleweed101 · 20/10/2018 09:48

My best friend lives quite a distance so I’ve always had to give big news over the phone (and visa Versa) Doesn’t make a difference and it usually gives us an excuse to step out of our busy lives to make time for eachother and plan a meet up.

jessicafletchersearring · 20/10/2018 09:49

When did friendships become about playing silly games with each other?

GrumbleBumble · 20/10/2018 09:51

I have no idea of all the reasons for getting sperm frozen but surely one of them is cancer treatment. It is a possibility that her partner has a recurrence of cancer and that she is focused on that. Either it is common for contact in the friendship to drop at times in which case it's understandable that she isn't replying to "hi" messages or it is completely new for contact to drop in which case I would be concerned that my friend was having a hard time.

Feb2018mumma · 20/10/2018 09:56

I only told people when I saw them, two of my oldest friends deleted me off Facebook apparently at the injustice that I dared not tell them over Facebook I was pregnant! I had hypermesis and my closest friends text and saw me and found out but becuase I didn't specifically tell them the two decided to end our friendship! I can't say what you should do but that's my tale!!

Lizzie48 · 20/10/2018 11:07

I agree with PPs that you're massively overthinking this. It's not earth shattering news for other people, women are getting pregnant all the time! Just tell her the news, you might find that she already knows.

It sounds like you're drifting apart from her anyway.

Original poster
AliceRR · 20/10/2018 11:26

Yes exactly I feel we are drifting apart or not v close anyway. Maybe I’m too hung up on her being an “old” friend as what’s important is the state of the friendship now.

I consider her a friend but I don’t generally keep chasing people who are giving signs they’re not interested

I asked for advice as I really wanted it and wondered what people would think if I didn’t tell her. I completely take on board what everyone says about maybe she is TTC and guessed and that then it would have been better to text

But things have moved on in that she just isn’t texting me and it’s clear from my texts that this was before I got pregnant. I was initiating conversation all the time and would typically have to send a couple of texts before I’d get a response

Her partner isn’t having cancer treatment. He is paralysed. Not completely. I don’t want to go into detail about that as it is obviously personal to them and that’s why I didn’t give details. It was a few years ago but before they met.

She totally could be going through some things. Last time I spoke to her I was. She doesn’t know what my position is no either. For the conversations we were having when we last spoke we’re about issues I was having with DH. I was having a hard time. It was affecting my mental health. We’ve worked through it and we are over the moon to be having a baby (no judgments on that please, we are very happy) but I could just as easily have been telling her we are getting divorced!!

Anyway I do take on board the advice. I should have told her by text but now I don’t feel like contacting her again when she can’t even be bothered to text me. Even if she’s guessed and doesn’t want me to tell her my news in person she could text to say she’s busy and might not be free to meet up for a while. Some of you get that and some of you don’t.

OP posts:
IAmGrootGrootGroot · 20/10/2018 12:03

Well in that case, just let sleeping dogs lie.

If you meet up in a few months and she wonders why you had a baby without telling her, at least you can say you initiated contact a few times but she didn't reply.

Your friendship is probably done and dusted though.

mcmooberry · 20/10/2018 12:37

there are medical issues which mean they can’t do things entirely naturally. He has sperm frozen. I don’t know if that could mean things are more difficult or not but I assumed not and actually it might just be a case of deciding and then being inseminated(?

🤦🏼‍♀️

Seriously OP??

I cannot post what I think of this so I will stop at agreeing with "Seriously?"

Roussette · 20/10/2018 12:40

It’s only been a few days

I know that. However, her and her DH are retired, she has nothing she does that takes up her time, she could whatsapp or text saying she's busy....
I have made a million allowances for this friend of mine and this not replying isn't in isolation. The pattern is much like the OP's with her friend. I contact her, a week goes by, sometimes longer, I contact her again saying did she get my message, she pretends she hasn't seen it. This happens with ansaphone messages, texts and whatsapp. I don't want to throw 50 years of friendship down the pan (and out of those 50 years, only having a 9 month period when she was 16 and we weren't in touch)... but it looks like it's gone.

Totally agree with your last para, Alice... why not just say 'a lot going on, will be in touch in a few weeks'. I'd be fine with that too

LuluJakey1 · 20/10/2018 14:37

I can't believe this is still going on. It is a totally trivial matter that only seems to be of interest to you. Do what you want and don't tell her.

MonteCarla · 20/10/2018 14:39

Maybe you telling her will be the kick up the bum she needs to sort her diary out and see you.

NoMudNoLotus · 21/10/2018 22:13

Cut her loose OP ... put your energies elsewhere.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/10/2018 22:22

Honestly OP you need to stop posting personal details about your friend. It's not on.

Eliza9917 · 22/10/2018 11:40

Have you told her yet @AliceRR?

Original poster
AliceRR · 22/10/2018 11:51

I’m not contacting her again. I texted her on 15 Sept and 17 Oct and got no reply. I just don’t feel like bothering again. If (and it is only an if) she is trying to conceive and doesn’t want to hear my news in person she could at least just reply and say she’s busy! Maybe I am a demanding friend, I don’t know, but I don’t feel like chasing her.

As I have already said, it’s not about my news any more and telling her in person isn’t a consideration. She has probably guessed so probably knows and she’s no longer on my “need to tell” list.

I realise I’ve said all this.

I’m not discounting what anyone has said that I could have just told her by text. I could have. Maybe I should have. But I don’t see any reason why she couldn’t have sent me a quick text. She didn’t have to meet up. I don’t feel like she’s a friend now.

If she needs me I’ll be there but it she will need to let me know she needs me as I have asked how she is and if everything is ok several times!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/10/2018 11:52

Could she have changed her number? Long shot I know.

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