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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell oldest friend I’m expecting as I haven’t seen her

273 replies

AliceRR · 16/10/2018 18:57

I am 23 weeks pregnant. Started telling people properly at about 14 weeks as I was nearly that when I had my first scan.

Other than a few exceptions, eg relatives abroad, I didn’t tell people except when I saw them but most friends I saw around that time as I had actually been keeping to myself a bit during first trimester due to tiredness etc.

I have a friend who I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. She’s not my best friend but she’s my oldest friend and a good friend.

I have been in touch with her and talked about meeting up but we haven’t made any plans. I even hinted we had something to tell them by saying we had lots to catch up and and she said I was making her guess what we have to tell her! She said she’d look at the diary.

She has generally responded to some of my texts (mainly about us both trying to move house) and not others in the last few months. I last saw her in March when I invited her and her boyfriend and a few other friends out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. She didn’t reply to my last text last month.

I don’t feel like I should keep trying to contact her but don’t want to tell her by phone or text I’m pregnant. I kind of think if she isn’t bothered to keep in touch or meet up so be it.

I’m not really upset about it but don’t want to fall out with her and I’m thinking would she be annoyed if it got to next year and I had a baby and she hadn’t known I was expecting!

Realistically we might make contact over Christmas even if it’s I send her a card and she contacts me but by then we might be talking about meeting in Jan which is v close to my due date!

She lives about 2 miles away by the way not far but may be busy with work / moving house.

OP posts:
Pols10wp · 19/10/2018 22:22

I wouldn't worry about it...doesnt sound like you are really that friendly with this person anymore if u live that close and rarely see them.

IAmGrootGrootGroot · 19/10/2018 22:22

@AliceRR I know where you're coming from OP. I am just as stubborn and melodramatic as you... it cost me a dear friend. (We still speak on rare occasions, but our friendship has never been the same)
I miss her.

Look, you don't want to look back on this in a few years and regret losing a lifelong friend over poor communication (more on her part than yours, I know)

Just tell her and go from there.
You're pregnant, you don't need to be stressing over things that don't need to be stressed over.

Original poster
AliceRR · 19/10/2018 22:23

Incidentally I told another friend today (not one I’ve been friends with as long and she does live in a different city so only see her a few times a year) as she announced on Facebook she’s just bought her first house. I texted her to say congrats and ask how she is. She replied straight away to say thanks and ask how things are with me. I was surprised as she is another who can take weeks to reply to a text. I replied and said (amongst other things) that I am having a baby. No reply. No lead up in that case. Maybe she is TTC too...

OP posts:
Pols10wp · 19/10/2018 22:25

Ps even if she is ttc she should still be able to at least txt u back - common decency!

Original poster
AliceRR · 19/10/2018 22:26

@IAmGrootGrootGroot We nearly fell out once before as mentioned above. We exchanged some annoyed texts (probably both tired or hormonal or something and something small got blown out of proportion) and then I didn’t hear from her for months. I had been just as annoyed at her but I was the one who reached out a year or so later. I feel like I’m setting a precedent of chasing her...

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 19/10/2018 22:29

@Pols10wp Yes she is my oldest friend but not my closest friend and we have had periods where we are more or less close over the years. But there comes a point where you need something back! I feel it’s just weird if I text her again or call her now.

I did think about a “Havent heard from you in a while. Is everything ok?” but that’s not helpful if she doesn’t want to engage.

OP posts:
IAmGrootGrootGroot · 19/10/2018 22:33

Look, what have you got to lose by telling her? You don't gain any moral high ground by keeping it to yourself, it you know what I mean?
I'd just tell her, the balls in her court then, she will either congratulate you, or she'll ignore you, in which case the friendship is over anyway.

Original poster
AliceRR · 19/10/2018 22:38

@IAGrootGrootGroot It just feels a bit desperate to text her again when she hasn’t replied to my last three!!

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 19/10/2018 22:40

@AliceRR friend sounds too fairweather. Im with you , also at an age where I expect relationships to be 2 way - if they aren't then i move on without them .

Why share personal news with someone who cant be arsed to reply a message to a text ??

Takemetovegas · 19/10/2018 22:58

FGS just tell her. You are not proposing, this news doesn't have to be delivered in person. While it's all life changing for you it's definitely not going to be "that kind of news" for her

Get over yourself and send her a text.

GrumbleBumble · 19/10/2018 22:59

nomud the thing is the OP has no idea what is happening in her friends life right now. She could be I'll (or her partner or a parent), she could be facing fertility issues, she could be really busy with something and therefore not prioritize replying to "hi there" texts but she might prioritize responding to big news texts but the OP won't give her the chance.

Original poster
AliceRR · 19/10/2018 23:14

@Takemetovegas I don’t care about telling her in person now. I care about her having ignored so many texts from me and don’t want to bother again

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 19/10/2018 23:17

@GrumbleBumble It doesn’t matter any more. She might be busy and have lots going on. If she needs me then she needs to let me know. Otherwise I can only now assume she has checked out. We are all busy and have other things going on. Maybe we’ll resume our friendship when she checks back in! We are beyond my big news now. It’s about whether we are even friends! You are obviously all more tolerant than I am as I don’t think I owe it to text her and keep her up to date on my life.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/10/2018 23:19

Maybe we’ll resume our friendship when she checks back in!

If she checks back in to find you didn’t tell her you were pregnant/had a baby, I’d bet that will be the end of your friendship. If you’re prepared for that, go ahead and don’t text her.

TheBigFatMermaid · 19/10/2018 23:22

I just don't get why people make this a 'thing'. Tell her, don't tell her........... I would have told her.

NoMudNoLotus · 19/10/2018 23:23

@GrumbleBumble iv been through some pretty traumatic stuff in my time but its never stopped me from replying to one (of many) text messages.

onecatshortofcrazy · 19/10/2018 23:36

I’ve had 4 miscarriages over the past couple of years - 3 of which no one except me and my husband were aware of. Belive me, if one of my friends was texting me with cryptic crap about “news” which was quite obvious you were pregnant, rather than just telling me, I would have shown zero interest too. I lived in a completely isolated bubble after those happened, and had no interest in anyone or anything, until I got my head together and explained to the people that I felt deserved to know why I’d dropped off the radar a bit. It might be the most exciting news in the world too you, but honestly, other people’s pregnancies / weddings / house purchases are generally uninteresting. Don’t expect everyone to be as bothered by this news as you are!

AwakeNow · 19/10/2018 23:39

Ring her up and invite her over for dinner. Or show up at her door and say hey girl, you are hard to get ahold of!

Whatswrongwithme1 · 20/10/2018 00:58

Be honest.. Would you be trying to get in touch quite as much if you didnt have news to share?

I get that it's important to you but you're kind of holding back your news like its a prize...

If you intend to tell her the news before baby arrives, just tell her by text, before it becomes a bigger deal than it already is. You must see that by not saying anything, you're making it to be quite a big thing?!

I took a little while TTC and one of my BFs told my by text which I was immensely grateful for as I could have (knee jerk) little cry first before I could be genuinely happy and congratulate her

If she's in this situation, it's the kindest thing to do. If she's not then she'll call to say congrats, maybe you'll even meet up!

I know being pregnant is a special time, you feel special, but please... Don't be so precious about a text message Confused

RoseGoldEagle · 20/10/2018 07:25

Honestly, I think she knows. Maybe she saw your message come up this time and thought ‘finally she’s going to tell me’ and then felt hurt when you still haven’t said it, so hasn’t replied. If she is going through fertility issues she may think you’re insensitive for not getting the news over and done with, and like you’re still gearing up for a ‘big reveal’. Maybe she feels hurt that having explained they wouldnt be able to conceive naturally, that you haven’t been sensitive enough to pick up on that and tell her gently and with understanding.

Or maybe she’s just busy, or not bothered about the friendship. But if you’re a good friend- why not assume the first scenario and tell her in a kind and sensitive way. If she isn’t bothered, you’ve still done the right thing and can walk away with your head held high. Please just tell her OP.

sofato5miles · 20/10/2018 07:31

How frustrating are you?! Just bloody tell her.

JingsMahBucket · 20/10/2018 08:10

@AliceRR why haven’t you tried calling her?

Roussette · 20/10/2018 08:27

Going through this at the moment, the same, I left a message with my friend Wednesday lunchtime saying I was hoping to catch up. No reply.
'
So I do get where you're coming from It's not being precious, it's just finding out if you have still got an actual friendship!

If it were me, I would just text her your news, that'll sort it one way or the other. I'd say...
Hi.... I was hoping to catch up with you tell you I'm expecting but our paths haven't crossed. Do hope you're OK, lots of love Alice'

Then it is totally down to her as to how she responds. She can take her time, she can ignore you, she can do what she wants and her response will really tell you what you want to know about your friendship.

As for my dilemma, I have no idea what to do with my ever decreasing friendship with my friend of 50 years. It's sad but I think it's been happening for quite a while now. Matters will be brought to a head because there is an event coming up next month that she can't ignore and I wanted to tell her my 'news' that I'm not going to be in the country when it happens.

Alice maybe it's time for us both to move on from these friendships

PurpleDaisies · 20/10/2018 08:42

Going through this at the moment, the same, I left a message with my friend Wednesday lunchtime saying I was hoping to catch up.

It’s only been a few days. Confused

Are people really this precious about quick replies to text messages?

BeautifulPossibilities · 20/10/2018 08:49

Honestly - going round and telling people to their faces you are pregnant can be incredibly insensitive. I wouldn't have thanked you at all for that.

Give her time to get back to you. You have no idea what's happening with her. If you are a friend be patient.

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