To not tell oldest friend I’m expecting as I haven’t seen her

[AliceRR]

I am 23 weeks pregnant. Started telling people properly at about 14 weeks as I was nearly that when I had my first scan.

Other than a few exceptions, eg relatives abroad, I didn’t tell people except when I saw them but most friends I saw around that time as I had actually been keeping to myself a bit during first trimester due to tiredness etc.

I have a friend who I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. She’s not my best friend but she’s my oldest friend and a good friend.

I have been in touch with her and talked about meeting up but we haven’t made any plans. I even hinted we had something to tell them by saying we had lots to catch up and and she said I was making her guess what we have to tell her! She said she’d look at the diary.

She has generally responded to some of my texts (mainly about us both trying to move house) and not others in the last few months. I last saw her in March when I invited her and her boyfriend and a few other friends out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. She didn’t reply to my last text last month.

I don’t feel like I should keep trying to contact her but don’t want to tell her by phone or text I’m pregnant. I kind of think if she isn’t bothered to keep in touch or meet up so be it.

I’m not really upset about it but don’t want to fall out with her and I’m thinking would she be annoyed if it got to next year and I had a baby and she hadn’t known I was expecting!

Realistically we might make contact over Christmas even if it’s I send her a card and she contacts me but by then we might be talking about meeting in Jan which is v close to my due date!

She lives about 2 miles away by the way not far but may be busy with work / moving house.

So you are 'testing' her with texts first to see if you want to tell her? And she hasn't passed the test yet - do you think she might be doing the same with you and you haven't passed the test either? It's not a nice thought really, is it? Just tell her your news.

We haven't moved on much really have we?

I feel for the friend if she's struggling to TTC and trying to avoid a face to face reveal (been there). However this thread is making me chuckle now

I’ve decided what I’m doing now so haven’t read all the recent replies. I think I’ve said what my position is. Thanks everyone.

So she’s potentially struggling to conceive yet you’re making a big song and dance about your news which she had probably guessed Are you on some sort of smug, I’ve won, I’ve got there first power play here. Quite frankly I wouldn’t blame her if she never spoke to you again!

I really don’t want a power play with her, just feel weird texting her to tell her something that is a big deal (only to me of course) when I don’t even know if she’s getting / reading my messages

I texted her to say hi how are you etc and she hasn’t replied

Maybe I should have just told her by text. I just thought we’d have seen each other by now and then it kind of got weird as she wasn’t texting me and I felt like I was chasing her. I can’t keep texting / calling her...

By way she was not v responsive before I said hinted I had stuff to tell her. I even sent her a “where are you?” emoji thing as she hadn’t replied to my texts...

there are medical issues which mean they can’t do things entirely naturally. He has sperm frozen.

In that case I can't believe you won't just tell her by text and spare her the face to face. She is probably more worried/perceptive than you think. And self protecting just like you are. She wants you to tell her by text and if it were me I would (and did) get that and be sensitive to it.

Really, just tell her!

But what about the fact she’s barely replying to my messages even since before I hinted I had news??

Is it ridiculous to think she’s checked out of the friendship? That’s how I feel

Apparently my feelings don’t matter though just because she might possibly one day have difficulty conceiving!!

Her partner is a relatively recent partner and are just about to move in together (buying a house together) so I’d be surprised if they are even TTC yet

It does sound like she's checked out.

At first I thought just busy but then saw she's only 2 miles away. Hardly a big effort to pop round.

But yeah just send a text cos it'd be too much of a statement to not tell her.

I wouldn't take it to heart. People grow apart, and sometimes pick up again. If she conceives she'll probably come back your way.

Congratulations!

But what about the fact she’s barely replying to my messages even since before I hinted I had news??
If they’re just bland “how are you” texts, she probably doesn’t see it anything particularly important to reply to if she’s really busy/having a tough time. How are you is a hard question if things aren’t fine.

If you’d sent something with actual news, you’d probably get a reply.

Fuck me, just tell her already.

apparently my feeling don't matter because she may one day have difficulty conceiving

Are you actually fucking serious?

Well then don't tell her.

I can't imagine why this woman would have abandoned the friendship

I was just updating you as some of you actually had helpful advice and I appreciate your input. She hasn’t replied. She wasn’t replying before I had news to tell her.

What I meant about the maybe one day having difficulty trying to conceive was a lot of you seem to have based your whole POV on that and don’t seem to be able to see anything else but I don’t think she is TTC (she could be but she could equally not be) and she seemed to have checked out before then!
M

I was thinking OP was getting a hard time here... before I realised she actually hadn't told her the baby news in the most recent text. You do seem like you're milking it a bit now @AliceRR
Just tell her. You'll know where you stand friendship wise once & for all.

@Eliza9917 you really like uppercase letters, don't you?

OP in the nicest possible way your been a bit of a princess about this.

1. They most likely have TTC if they are at a point where they have had some treatment (in relation to the sperm freezing) you don’t just wake up and do that.
2. You don’t announce to people you are going to try to conceive - you announce that when you have. It’s very easy to start feeling like a failure when you can’t reproduce, so again if they are trying and failing she may not want to share just yet.
3. Have you ever wanted something so bad it hurts, and then your friend announces in front of you they have it, and you have to try look happy? That’s what a F2F announcement will do if that’s the case. Much easier to deal with it in text so you can process emotions before responding
4. If my friend from childhood started been distant, I would be worried why, I wouldn’t just send a standard how is you text, I’d put a bit more weight in it explaining you are worried - more likely to get a response.

however

If you genuinely feel she has checked out, then no don’t share your news - you could have one last stab at the friendship, something like ‘friend you seem really distant lately and I can’t help but think there is now only me involved in this friendship. I did have some news I wanted to share with you, and I was looking forward to meeting up with you - however it seems from your part this friendship has come to an end and I will respect that and no longer contact you’ if she wants to remain friends then surely you would get a reply to that stating so.

I’ve got 2 children, I understand how exciting the news is, but I also understand how been the last to know news feels too. It is totally up to you, but maybe just a one last text to say as there’s no hiding the bump you want to share you are pregnant and you hope to see her soon.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Tell your friend. leave it up to her afterwards. She'll probably be delighted.

Maybe look at it this way;
You’ve found you absolute dream home. Perfect size, location, close to the good schools etc and then you get declined for the mortgage. Your friend comes round with her ‘big news’ yep you’ve guessed it, she’s bought THE home! Your dream home! She knows that area is somewhere you’ve considered, but is also aware your fella doesn’t have great credit. So she thinks you might have seen that home, but she isn’t sure.....

Sound familiar? Only difference is it’s a baby and not home - shoe on the other foot.

Bet you would have appreciated that blow in text before having to act happy and talk about what colour scheme she should choose.

^^ that’s not me been a dick btw, just trying to fit a very similar situation but putting you in potentially the situation she is in.

On balance i think you'd be a worse friend to not tell her. I'd be offended & there's lots of times I don't see good friends for months. Just say I was hoping to tell you when we met up but it's been hectic so just to let you know I'm pregnant. Very exciting & hope to catch up for a cuppa soon x. No drama

OP you have the hide of a rhino. Almost everyone thinks YABU but still no hint of rethinking your position confusedhmm

The waiting to TTC while moving house thing could be a cover for fertility issues, which they clearly have if her DH has had sperm frozen. And no it's not a case of 'just getting inseminated or something' angry perhaps you should educate yourself a little before making judgements about her situation

This. She knows you're pregnant already OP, because of course she does. Don't text. Just leave it.

*A text like. 'I'm up the duff. By the time we meet up it'll be the kid's 18th. Soooo obviously, not drinking, but boy am I eating? Name a date'

No need for all the smoke and mirrors, unless you are sniffing the nappysan already.*

Also this

Otherwise, don't bother texting!

Bold fail.. was quoting a PP

I do understand your hurt, but speaking as someone who went through a lot of treatment for infertility which never worked, I can honestly admit that I got very good at spotting the early signs of my friends TTC. The early conversations about babies, the hints, the slight changes in behaviour and attitude. We barrens become very adept at understanding these things and then distancing ourselves for self preservation. I'm sorry that your friend has done this to you, but I'm even more sorry for her for the difficulties that she is likely to face. You will soon have your lovely baby. She may not.

So ... when was the last time you actually heard from her OP? Are you not worried about her being - you know, really ill or in hospital or something? Is there no one who could check she's ok and able to text? Have you gone by where she lives at all recently and spotted her car or anything?

A friend from primary school stops communicating suddenly - my instinct would be to worry.

@IamGrootGrootGroot I feel like I do know where I stand now as she just isn’t responding to me! Not just about my news but I just can’t be bothered with people who can’t be bothered to reply to me. You all have been much more responsive 😂

@BigPizzaLover I get she might not tell me if she’s TTC but I mean based on other things going on like how they haven’t even moved in together yet as far as I’m aware

Like I say it’s not just about my news any more. I’d like to know if we’re friends

@BunnyColvim Again lots of emphasis placed on the fact she might be TTC. No I haven’t researched her situation. Frankly I think that would be weird and it was very open of her to tell me what she did about that. Maybe I should have read between the lines. I honestly don’t mean to seem insensitive to her and maybe in retrospect I should have just texted her to tell her. I just honestly thought I’d have seen her since March and then would have told her.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh I am really sorry if she is going through that. But it’s difficult if I don’t know. As I said I accept now maybe I should have known but I didn’t and still don’t really and I’m now in a position when I feel I’ve sent her a few texts she hasn’t replied to and can’t bring myself to send any more!

@Laiste see I’m not worried as she is like this from time to time. She can be a bit on and off. There are times when we see each other a few times in a few months and then we don’t see each other for months. I’m often the one to initiate I think. We don’t really have mutual friends these days that I can ask.

She last texted me on 30 August congratulating me on finding a buyer for our house (tbf she could have thought that was my eyes!) and I have sent three texts since then - 31 Aug (about House as we are both buying and selling or trying to), and then the other night (asking how she was, mentioning we had issues with house buying and saying it’s been a while and we need a catch up)

The distance started in April before pregnancy. We’d been in touch a lot in March.

7 April I texted hi how are you? No reply.

7 August I texted hi how are you? No reply

13 Aug I sent silly “where are you?”

14 August she replied saying sorry for late reply, saying her house is on the market and asking about my house.

So she was a bit rubbish at texting then!