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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
obligations · 17/10/2018 17:04

OP - well done on how you've handled this, and on raising kind and empathetic children. For everyone baying for your AP's blood and insulting your kids, fgs calm down. Maybe the OP is naturally kinder than you and doesn't like to see people upset. AP wasn't a good fit, wasn't that into it. You've all had a bit of a bad time but 1. It isn't the end of the world, just an unpleasant inconvenience; 2. It's over now, you live and learn. Have a great evening

Weezol · 17/10/2018 17:09

Definitely change the locks. Although it's highly unlikely there will be any problems, it's better to be sure.

EdisonLightBulb · 17/10/2018 17:12
Flowers

Well done OP, I hate confrontation too, I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you.

x

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 17:12

Quite telling when she left she didn’t say a word to the kids. Not sure I could do that.

OP posts:
Pemba · 17/10/2018 17:21

I expect they were glad to see the back of her anyway.

Pemba · 17/10/2018 17:22

Did you interview her when she got the job and have a chance to see how she interacted with the kids?

DerelictWreck · 17/10/2018 17:24

OftenHangry

Ahhhh what?! I’m never allowed to, always require passport rather than id!

NotMyNameButHereForever · 17/10/2018 17:25

Phew, so glad to read your updates - you must be feeling soooooo relieved!

And YY vis telling/not saying goodbye to the kids, she patently at best doesn't give a shiny shit about them and at worst, well at worst is the kind of person who'd happily walk out and leave a sick 11 year old home alone... Oh, wait Wink You are WELL rid! Kick back and enjoy your home and don't be surprised if the kids tell you more over coming days.

And again, it's not worth the relatively small cost of changing the locks versus what could happen if she did get them copied and TBH, she does sound much more of a hustler than a demure, sheltered, 24 year old so it's not out of question that she had already done that.

Glad it's worked out for you. After 20 years exp, myy best reccs for APs are Kiwis and Aussies - they were always great with the kids, great work ethic, partied appropriately hard at the weekends, and generally just great to have around.

cheesefield · 17/10/2018 17:37

Bottle of champers and a take away tonight OP? Sounds like today has been awfully draining.

I can't believe she didn't say goodbye to the children, that's a shame.

SubtitlesOn · 17/10/2018 17:38

Ring the gym and maybe follow up with email to make sure her membership is cancelled as from today

Even if you have to continue paying fees she isn't allowed to use the facilities

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 17:40

Hi we spoke to her on Skype a few times and she chatted to the kids. We all thought she was great. Intelligent, mature and chatty. She was just different in person. Much colder which I didn’t pick up on through Skype.

OP posts:
SubtitlesOn · 17/10/2018 17:45

Glad you have got the house back again. Hope you and your DC enjoy a quiet tea and relaxed evening 

Motoko · 17/10/2018 17:46

Glad to hear she's gone. Didn't even say goodbye to the kids? Shows exactly the type of person she is.

I agree about changing the locks, she could have got a copy made before, and she could give it to anyone, if she's feeling revengeful.

You can breathe now!

lynxca16 · 17/10/2018 17:51

Good for you - you did it - addressed the situation and dealt with it

Not an easy situation to be in but you did it - enjoy this evening and tomorrow is another day.

angieloumc · 17/10/2018 17:51

Glad to hear she's gone. Hope her room isn't too bad when you clean it.

SimplyPut · 17/10/2018 18:35

Glad she has gone. Enjoy a restful sleep!

busyhonestchildcarer · 17/10/2018 18:40

I understand why you need help but unfortunately there are very few protections for you by using an au pair.personally i wouldnt but if finances meant I had to( cheaper than other childcare )then I wouldnt leave her alone with your child ever.If anything had gone wrong with your child whilst she was suppose to have been there you would be entirely responsible.An au pair is to support alongside you.Most are not registered with any governing body,no insurance etc..its not worth the risk.Maybe find a childminder who can do adhoc.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 17/10/2018 18:41

Well done. I can’t imagine it was easy but at least now you can relax. (And maybe give some feedback to wherever you found her)

Have a peaceful evening

WellThisIsShit · 17/10/2018 19:00

Woohoo!!! 😄🎉🤪🤩

You did it !!!

And you did it WELL

I am totally late for the party as I missed supporting you when it was all horrible and stressy. But I do get to celebrate with you so that’s a good thing at least!

Just ignore the weirdness of some posters in the last few pages (ok, on all the pages!)... people get weird about au pairs, they hear the sound bite about it being used to enable ‘modern day slavery’, because yes, in a tiny minuscule percentage of cases in the past it was used as a way around employment law. So now some posters have it in their heads that it’s a free pass to be able to work off whatever spite they have going, and justify it as some virtuous crusade. It’s all very boring, and leads to innocent people getting shouted at randomly, like you, unfairly, on this thread.

So please don’t let them weigh down your soul, even a tiny bit. You handled it all really well. I hope you find a super good au pair who becomes one of the family.

Until then, enjoy your home free of the awkward atmosphere ... after the stink has gone that is!

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 19:36

Those who said she’d be angry and vengeful are right. Just had the most horrible, nasty message from her.

OP posts:
Iaimtomisbehave1 · 17/10/2018 19:37

At least it's just a message. That really doesn't matter. Delete and block and move one.

If she's done something to your home before leaving that would be different. But nasty messages will stop when she gets bored.

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 19:41

It’s clear she thinks I’ve treated her badly and doesn’t see my view at all

OP posts:
Iaimtomisbehave1 · 17/10/2018 19:43

And that's her failing. Not yours. Hopefully she will grow up at some point and gain the ability to see from other points of view.

She's probably been at her friends and has told some fake version of events to them, and they've encourage the nasty texts. Ignore.

ivykaty44 · 17/10/2018 19:44

Remember this is someone who left your dc scared and unhappy - that’s not how it’s supposed to work

acivilcontract · 17/10/2018 19:45

OP, she has already shown you more than once she is immature and unable to put others before herself. It isn't surprising that she left you a nasty message just console yourself with what a good job you have done with getting her out of your house and how right you were.