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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
juneau · 17/10/2018 11:00

Remind her to pack as you'll be driving her at [insert time]

I agree - you set the agenda - don't leave it up to her to decide what time she will deign to leave. Tell her when you'll be taking her to her friend's - the last thing you want is to be waiting her for to drift around your house packing in her own sweet time. Be firm.

Aprilislonggone · 17/10/2018 11:03

Hand her a black bag and offer to help - right now.

Strongmummy · 17/10/2018 11:03

@whattheactualheck why are you still justifying what you did? The woman is an idiot and I’m unsure why she’s still in your house. As she’s an au pair I assume there’s no contract so just tell her to get out/go back home. If you’re feeling kind pay for her flight back and her night in a premier inn.

I just don’t get this idea that people think these arrangements will work, I really don’t. You’ve got a stranger in your home, with no qualification , looking after your kids.

ralfeesmum · 17/10/2018 11:05

Out, ASAP! She's freeloading and even worse she's inflicting psychological cruelty on your kiddies.

She.Must.Go!

Weezol · 17/10/2018 11:06

Please stop with the 'she's young' stuff. She's in her twenties and is a grown adult. There are people her age raising children, running businesses, driving trains and commanding troops.

Give her a deadline (an hour? 1pm?) and get her gone.

KERALA1 · 17/10/2018 11:07

God op you will be dancing round the house when she leaves! Her behaviour now is utterly vindicating your decision.

Windgate · 17/10/2018 11:08

If she ha 'no papers' how did she get in to the UK and does she have a visa.
You may need to speak to someone about no longer employing her as you may be responsible for her visa etc.
www.gov.uk/government/organisations/uk-visas-and-immigration

KERALA1 · 17/10/2018 11:09

Strong they usually work. But it's a numbers game you get some that don't work out. When it does work can be great for both sides

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 11:10

Strongmummy thousands of aupair arrangements work beautifully every year so I imagine that’s probably where people get that little old idea from! I had a lovely aupair girl from France when the kids were all under six and I wasn’t working. We all loved her and she’s been back since to visit and we are in regular contact. Silly old me from retrying this idea that worked before.

OP posts:
Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 11:12

Yes I’ll make sure now I give her a time to go to her friends so she can get her train. She claims ID was stolen whilst she was here when she was in a train

OP posts:
Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 11:13

The kids must be as bad as me. They felt bad for her yesterday but their happiness on knowing she’s leaving makes me realise this is the right thing

OP posts:
Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 11:15

Windgate there’s no employment status as she’s not paid a wage. It’s officially called “pocket money” and in the eyes of the law it is not recognised as an employment relationship. On these points I am crystal clear

OP posts:
OftenHangry · 17/10/2018 11:28

@Windgate since she travelled on her ID xcard I assume she is from EU so no need for visa

Windgate · 17/10/2018 11:28

Whattheactualheck my apologies. I was under the (incorrect) impression that non-EU au-pairs had to have tier 5 visas. Sorry.

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 11:30

No worries Windgate. She’s defs EU so makes it easier.

Thanks to everyone for helping me get through this Flowers

OP posts:
OftenHangry · 17/10/2018 11:31

But you are right about non eu au-pairs needing visa. Not sure about the Tier

Motoko · 17/10/2018 11:32

I think this is so dodgy. Why can't she approach her embassy? There's something really odd here.

As I said before, I don't think she's lost her papers at all, that's why she doesn't want to go to the embassy. She's just playing for time.

SnorkFavour · 17/10/2018 11:36

Honestly I think some people just want a stick to beat people with for no reason!

This is Mumsnet, most of the posters on here are perfect, didn't you know that? ;)

Seriously though, you've done the right thing. Your requests were perfectly reasonable and it would break my heart if my children were treated like yours have been. In fact, your son's gentle reaction to her awful behaviour suggests he's a nice boy and would be very hurt by this coldness.

Please don't change your mind, you sound like an awesome mum protecting her children. Don't feel bad for the au-pair, she was completely unreasonable and even now she's playing the victim because she knows you're a decent person with a heart.

juneau · 17/10/2018 11:38

She's just playing for time.

^this

She's a right manipulative little madam. You're well rid (or will be when you get her out of your house).

TightPants · 17/10/2018 11:44

OP, she’s not young, she’s 24!
My mum lived on her own in London from the age of 15 and supported herself. She was married with 2 kids by the age of 24.

Please don’t feel sorry for her, she has brought all of this on herself. Hopefully she’ll learn something from this eventually.

nonetworkaccess · 17/10/2018 11:52

This girl is thoroughly unpleasant.

You've been more than fair, OP.

You and your children have seen enough of her now. If she's out, go pack her room up now. You might be surprised by what you find (and not in a good way).

I'm suspicious by nature due to life's circumstances. It took me a long time and quite a few shitty experiences with people to get this way. Please don't get hurt any further by this psycho-in-training. Get her out today and feel the relief.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 17/10/2018 12:20

i also know anecdotally that I was told by my au pair agency a million years ago that girls who come already speaking English and with friends and or family in UK that there is a much higher rate of them not sticking it because they have a safety net-not as motivated to make it work.
We got rid of one of these type au pairs-my DH husband drove her to her Aunts house-sadly when I went up to strip bed she had stolen duvet cover and pillow cases. Sad I am not suggesting your au pair a thief-just sharing my cautionary tale...

hellojim · 17/10/2018 12:23

I would get her moved out ASAP before she stalls for time. It must be really awkward but you and your DCs don't feel comfortable. She has said she will go today so take her at her word on that and help her on her way.

Despite coming from a country where kids are apparently so independent, she is probably terrified that her own parents will give her a bollocking for messing up what seems like a very cushy arrangement in your home.

fifithefoof · 17/10/2018 12:37

If you offered to take her to the embassy and she's said no she clearly full of shit.

Little monster!

JamPasty · 17/10/2018 12:50

Nothing useful to add - just wanted to say well done OP, you're doing the right thing. If she's already hoarding food, make sure she doesn't take anything else that's not hers. I'd "help" her pack so as to keep an eye on what's she's packing.