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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Antigon · 17/10/2018 09:25

Definitely just pay her until the end of this month. What does the contract say?

Cloudly · 17/10/2018 09:28

Well done you sound like a very caring understanding person. Your family is your NO 1 priority. Hope everything goes ok for you today. 🌷

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 09:41

Right. I’ve just spoken to her and she asked if she could stay till we find another aupair but already she’s started taking food in her room and leaving cups/ plates/ knives every where and eating as much as she can. I think she’d take the piss if she stayed. So I said no that won’t work. She said “ ok I will go to my friend tonight” I said I would give her a lift . She said she can’t go back home as she has no papers and she’s no idea what to do. I said her details will all be on computer and she’ll definitely be able to fly home in an emergency. I said I’d help her and speak to the embassy but she didn’t seem to want to follow that approach

OP posts:
FrenchJunebug · 17/10/2018 09:42

You made the right decision. I was an au pair and my job was to look after the kids. I hope you find the right person next time. You do sound lovely.

Antigon · 17/10/2018 09:44

OP make sure she's out by today.

Make sure she's out by today, even if it means bungung her things in black bin liners and calling a taxi to take her to her friend's.

What did you decide about flight?

willgiveitago · 17/10/2018 09:46

I think you’re right to send her to her friend’s tonight. She needs to take responsibility for her own life and not look to you to sort everything out. You gave her a chance and she didn’t take it (in terms of doing her job well). She’s in her 20s, not a teenager and she’s old enough to figure out how to proceed from here.

Solenti · 17/10/2018 09:47

You are right, she absolutely can't stay until you find another aupair. I wouldn't be able to trust her and the awkwardness would be terrible.
You have been very kind and reasonable. Drop her at her friends and leave her to it. She is trying to guilt you into letting her stay.

CardsforKittens · 17/10/2018 09:56

Maybe I'm a cold hearted bitch, but in my view it's not your problem if she doesn't have her papers. She's old enough to sort that out for herself. You've made your position clear. This should be a good oppprtunity for her to learn something about the world, and it sounds like she needs to learn it as soon as possible.

OftenHangry · 17/10/2018 09:58

Secure your valuable. Change the lock.

OftenHangry · 17/10/2018 09:58

*valuables

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 10:05

She’s not packed any of her stuff!

OP posts:
juneau · 17/10/2018 10:05

Good - she'll be gone today. Make sure you don't leave her alone in your home today and FGS get your keys back immediately (you don't want her to have a chance to get copies made). As for her passport dramas - she's 24 - let her sort them out herself. She is not a DC who needs to be looked after.

StrangeLookingParasite · 17/10/2018 10:06

I have an agency so I know what I am talking about!

But still can't manage to RTFT.

Motoko · 17/10/2018 10:17

God, when I was her age, I was married with 2 children, running a house, and working. She's acting like a useless 15 year old.

Glad she's going tonight. I suspect she hasn't lost her papers, hence the reluctance to accept your help with contacting the embassy, because she doesn't need to. She's just trying to use that excuse to stay longer.

alifromtheforest · 17/10/2018 10:18

You just need to get into the mindset of "it's not my problem". She hasn't packed her stuff? She doesn't get to take it with her then! Tell her she's got 48 hours to come back and collect it or you'll dispose of it. No travel documents? Not your problem. She doesn't seem genuine. If she did I would absolutely help her out, but she's still taking the piss. You have to be hardcore here, set the expectations and don't back down, even if there are tears and tantrums. Good luck!

Cloudly · 17/10/2018 10:21

Maybe a good idea to change your locks and alarm code when she has gone.
Something not right here, let her sort out her paperwork she has to take some responsibility for herself and this is not cruel way of you not wanting to help her, but her own responsibility of sorting out things.

DarlingNikita · 17/10/2018 10:23

she’s started taking food in her room and leaving cups/ plates/ knives every where and eating as much as she can.

She's having a laugh.

She said she can’t go back home as she has no papers and she’s no idea what to do. I said her details will all be on computer and she’ll definitely be able to fly home in an emergency. I said I’d help her and speak to the embassy but she didn’t seem to want to follow that approach

I think this is so dodgy. Why can't she approach her embassy? There's something really odd here.

Dhapeer · 17/10/2018 10:33

What will you do for childcare in the meantime?

IABURQO · 17/10/2018 10:33

Remind her to pack as you'll be driving her at [insert time]. Keep an eye on valuables. Have someone round to keep an eye on the kids and get her out. Then change the main door lock and alarm code.

Jakethekid · 17/10/2018 10:35

OP stated that she has managed to sort it so she can work from home for the time being.

I hope she leaves soon. I can't imagine how stressful it must feel for you right now.

ralphi · 17/10/2018 10:36

Darling is right, very dodgy that she cannot approach her embassy. She is in her 20s...her passport situation is not your problem. It is her job to ensure everything is in order, and frankly she should have tackled this issue long before this. Get rid, check the key situation, and do not let her stay any longer. Black sacks if necessary. Then be sure to block her on everything. (and dont forget to cancel the gym!)

Dhapeer · 17/10/2018 10:44

What country is she from?

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 10:53

She’s skulking around glaring at the children. I’m so glad I’ve asked her to go. The loud loud sobbing was for my benefit surely? Who does that. It was wailing . She wanted to guilt me. However all this aside I’m conscious she’s someones daughter, she’s young and she’s away from home. She’s made mistakes and it’s time for her to move on from my family.

OP posts:
Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 10:58

She must know she’s not been nice to the kids. My kids are really friendly and it’s not often they do t take to someone. How is barking “ you must play a game with me” being nice. With kids this age range 10-13 surely you break the ice by chatting, talking about their school, friends, hobbies and getting to know them first? Then play a game if they want? It sounded like a punishment

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2018 10:59

She’s skulking around glaring at the children.

Right, enough of being nice. She needs to pack and go NOW.

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