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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Motoko · 17/10/2018 00:05

TAMS71 you don't need to read every post, but if you want to comment, at least have the courtesy to read all the OP's posts. It's quite easy to highlight them, so there's no excuse.
If you can't even be arsed to do that, then OP doesn't have to read your posts.

affectionincoldclimate · 17/10/2018 00:05

Well done OP.

I was an au pair and what you described is outrageous. Leaving a child in your care for two hours to go for a walk is sackable offence. None of the duties you described were inconsistent with au pair expectations and if anything, she had a great set up with you.

Absolutely get it's upsetting to have a moody and upset stranger in the house who clearly doesn't get the rules of the game (and never will) so stay strong  It may be a good life lesson to her too in a long run.

Don't mind the RTFT idiots and "you should have a nanny instead" crowd piling in. You've done the right thing.

YankeeDad · 17/10/2018 00:07

OP - I hope you find a way to stop beating yourself up over this, and move on to finding someone else who is right for your family.

You have put your children first, which is the right thing to do, but you have also been more than fair with your au pair. She is now living the normal consequences that follow from her own actions. Hopefully it'll be a learning experience for her.

Meanwhile, her stomping and crying are just further proof that she's too immature to be entrusted with your children.

Fatasfook · 17/10/2018 00:17

Motoko
How do you highlight op posts. Knowing this could literally change my life

Rebecca36 · 17/10/2018 00:20

They will show up in green on each page where she has posted.

AnimalMystery · 17/10/2018 00:37

You’ve done nothing wrong, OP. I have two friends who’ve had a variety of au pairs for years and they’ve ranged from OK to bloody amazing and they fly across the world to see them several years later. The OKs were way above how you’re describing this one. Ignore the nonsense.

springydaff · 17/10/2018 00:41

Customising Talk

You can change the way you view discussions by clicking on the Customise link on the Talk Homepage.

It's here you can highlight op's posts - a choice of colours!

Mind you, I haven't been able to find the customise button

springydaff · 17/10/2018 00:43

Apologies op - I am used to posting predominantly in relationships where searching observations are par for the course.

I certainly didn't mean to be cruel - apologies.

StrangeLookingParasite · 17/10/2018 02:05

Geez you expect people to read 260 posts before they are allowed to comment!

Yes. Yes we do. Your thoughts are not so desperately needed that you need to jump right in - more often than not, someones already said what you were going to.

I continue to be amazed at the self-centredness of people who won't RTFT. (And F does not stand for 'full' in this instance).

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/10/2018 03:33

Geez you expect people to read 260 posts before they are allowed to comment!

Are you this socially inept in real life?

Rebecca36 · 17/10/2018 03:49

Anyway, well done to you op for taking the matter in hand. You've been more than fair.

From what you say, the girl does not sound as though she is cut out to look after children. Maybe she has never done it before and honestly didn't know how she would feel about it.

Hopefully she'll find another job, preferably without children, and all will be well. Then you can find someone more suitable.

Sasstal67 · 17/10/2018 04:08

Every time you doubt your decision or feel bad for her, let your imagination go to that place us mum's imaginations can take us. You'll soon snap out of self doubt mode and realise you're listening to your gut. Nothing wrong with that.

NotMyNameButHereForever · 17/10/2018 04:43

OP Have RTFT and (patently!) you've done the right thing in sacking her but it's all sounding a bit too... 'woolly' in terms of ending... As in, there doesn't seem to be a clear plan - IE she's out by 5pm Friday, paid at that point for the (very generous under the circs!) month you are paying her for and only after you've fully checked state of room etc.

It feels a bit 'drifty' and that alarms me for you as I too have had the joy of an au pair like this (just the one thank god - the rest were lovely as were the nannies I had before APs when needed full Nanny care - but still scarred by it!) and bitter experience tells me you need to be absolutely resolute in an exit time/date; get her off your wifi now and generally keep your eye on every ball. I promise you that she won't have changed from a taking advantage CF of highest order to suddenly being ok. You need her out and soon and on your terms.

And I echo all PPs vis the sobs, that's pure BS and she's not remotely cut up about 'it not working out'; she's gutted she's finally been sussed and I promise you her next step will be anger at best and 'retribution' at worst. I'm not trying to scare you, rather just give you a clear heads up. She's still that person, please don't be hoodwinked or emotionally blackmailed into thinking otherwise. You need a plan and now. Good luck Flowers

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 06:46

I know. I want to go through the plan with her today. She looked very shocked yesterday when I told her so I wanted to give her some time to digest it. One thing that’s sticking in my mind is when I mentioned again how I had been struggling to move past the leaving of my son, she cane up with this gem. Apparently he was not very responsive when she suggested playing games and “ just wanted to rest” so thought it wouldn’t matter if she went out. He was ill for god’s sake. The fact she still can’t see what she did there and is still defending it makes me realise how wrong she is/was for looking after kids. I didn’t sleep last night. It feels horrible having her in the house now but I’m mindful of how I cannot put her out without giving her chance to get sorted. I’ll ask her to go by tonight

OP posts:
Bebopaloola · 17/10/2018 08:01

Yes get her out of the house. She's shown herself to be selfish and I wouldn't be surprised if she turns on you soon. On another subject, I really dislike people who don't rtft. They don't have time to rtft? That's fine then they shouldn't take the time to post. Pfo

CoraPirbright · 17/10/2018 08:11

Oh OP I do feel for you - it has been such a horrid situation but its nearly over now - phew! Just think of it this way: in a sense you have actually done her a favour. You have highlighted to her that she can’t just piss about on her phone and not actually do the job for which she is being paid. Her actions have had consequences. A lesson learned (a bit bloody late at 24 yrs of age but still...)

lifebegins50 · 17/10/2018 08:15

Good luck op, it will get sorted.

FlowThroughIt · 17/10/2018 08:52

@TAMS71

In long threads I just scroll through each page stopping if I see green posts, if the OP references specific advice or posters then I'll look to see what they said if it's unclear by the OP's response.

Unless it's something I'm also looking for advice on then I might actually read the entire thread. I don't see how my method which I suspect is the same as many others is somehow worse then actually reading every single response, I still know wtf is going on. 🤷‍♀️

FlowThroughIt · 17/10/2018 08:54

"Apparently he was not very responsive when she suggested playing games and “ just wanted to rest” so thought it wouldn’t matter if she went out. He was ill for god’s sake."

Geez she doesn't even have common sense or any ability to really take responsibility. Good riddance.

juneau · 17/10/2018 08:55

I think she's bloody lucky actually - you're paying her flight home AND a month's wages when you're sacking her for not doing her job? I'd maybe pay for the flight, just to get her out of the fucking house and onto a plane and no longer my problem, but a month's wages?

Bebopaloola · 17/10/2018 08:57

I agree @FlowThroughIt, maybe there should be an acronym like 'at least get the gist of the thread' algtgott(!)

Igobackyears · 17/10/2018 09:04

The agency that you used should be supportive and helpful. All this talk about "firing her" please remember that an au pair is not an employee but a guest in the home of a "host-family". Having said that of course she does have responsibilities and she should honour them. Clearly her heart is not in it so you should definitely be looking for a replacement so that that you can do your job without worrying. If she leaves the children alone at home this is a safety issue and should be dealt with quickly. I have an agency so I know what I am talking about!

WeeSausage · 17/10/2018 09:06

What, I totally agree with how you've handled it so far, but I'm not sure it's fair to kick her out with such short notice. Could you give her till the weekend to get something sorted? I know it will be tricky for you and your family, but you don't want her to end up sleeping rough.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/10/2018 09:10

You did the right thing, she wasen't suitable for your family, so you had to let her go. She is 24, an adult woman who has to accept this, and stop acting like a 12 year old child not getting their way.

Whattheactualheck · 17/10/2018 09:21

It’s my DH who says paying her a month’s wage is the decent thing and I was planning on telling her that this morning. I actually said “ until end of the month” when I spoke to her but was planning on telling her a month to soften the blow as per DH advice. Now I’m starting to think you’re right! She can just get herself home fgs! I’m now starting to think she was a bit suspicious from the get go. Though at the time I saw it as keen. We’d had quite a few interviews with girls that I could just tell wouldn’t manage with the kids due to language barrier

OP posts: