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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Iaimtomisbehave1 · 16/10/2018 20:06

When it comes to your kids, you need to be thick skinned. Her crying about being sacked does not make her a good fit for your family. It does not change her feelings towards cooking or watching the kids. She just wanted a paid for holiday.

You've given her time to process. Now you need to ask if she wants help moving her stuff to her friends. Don't ask when she's moving. Tell her it's happening tomorrow and does she need help.

StrawberryDaiquiriPlease · 16/10/2018 20:23

Did you specify that she would take over when DS off school sick? Perhaps she expected overtime for that.

Whattheactualheck · 16/10/2018 20:24

She’s still in her room. The tears have stopped and she’s on the phone. I feel extremely sick and just had a massive nosebleed. Not sure I cope very well with this kind of stress! Need to get a grip of myself. I think I’ll feel jumpy for some time. I really hope she gets sorted with a place to stay and that things work out for her. She kept saying she’s always asking the kids if they want to play. I’ve heard her but she kind of barks at them and never really speaks. When they do play a game she goes on her phone anyway. Obviously it’s all playing on my mind as to whether I’ve been fair/unfair. I have to keep in mind that she was out of order leaving my child alone

OP posts:
number1wang · 16/10/2018 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user8905 · 16/10/2018 20:26

She'll be gone soon and the stress will be gone in a few days.

Can I ask how much au pairs are paid in general? I know they get free accommodation and do simple childcare duties. I'm in inner London and am thinking of getting one.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 16/10/2018 20:29

Stop second guessing yourself, it's pretty obvious from what you've posted that she doesn't like your kids (possibly not any kids) and is not good for them in any way. It doesn't matter in the end how sorry you feel for her, your children are your priority and this woman isn't doing what she was hired to do, not even the basics. You have been more than fair, you've gone over her duties with her and she's ignored them and done what she likes when she likes. The very fact that she took herself off for the day today says it all. She needs to be out of your home as soon as possible.

acivilcontract · 16/10/2018 20:30

Seriously OP are you allowed to take a day off from your work without letting anyone know? Can you leave your place of work, switch off your phone leaving critical work undone and then reappear when you wish to?
There may have been no malice but your ex AP needs to realize the basic expectations people will have when hiring her for a job.
An AP seems ideal for your needs, better luck with the next one!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2018 20:35

She is no good with your kids, and your kids take priority, not her.

Whattheactualheck · 16/10/2018 20:37

Yes I kept saying to her that the kids have to be my priority. I’ve said I’ll pay her a months’ pay and the cost of her flight home.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 16/10/2018 20:42

Well if she doesn’t like it she should have paid attention to the warnings, shouldn’t she?

Don’t feel bad, this is all on her

myrtleWilson · 16/10/2018 20:42

ah OP - you've done the right thing. She's being pulled up on her behaviour - not your fault at all.

oh and Onegiftedgal
Maybe she's just picking up your vibes and your loose approach to what being a mother actually involves

slow handclap, did you get a frisson of joy when you typed that?

nonetworkaccess · 16/10/2018 20:50

Do NOT pay her anything until you know she hasn't caused any problems or taken damaged anything.

Sorry, I don't want to pile pressure on but I've seen too many things go wrong in my life to not be a bit Fox Mulder.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 16/10/2018 20:59

Dereliction of duty, didn't follow and basic instruction with common sense, waited until you left to walk out on him, horrid, if the kids loved her i could over look a few failings but they are scared of her !
Can't believe you are even debating this

Nightwatch999- go back under your bridge.

BewareOfDragons · 16/10/2018 20:59

A month's pay to leave a job she wasn't actually doing in the first place, plus her airfare?

You've been more than generous Stand firm and get her out.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/10/2018 21:04

I really hope she gets sorted with a place to stay and that things work out for her

I've only just read the thread but here's a prediction: her "friends" have discovered they can't have her to stay after all, and her "lost documents" mean that if you insist on her leaving she really will be "on the streets"

I mention this just in case you think of falling for it when it comes crawling into view ...

ClaireAnne1976 · 16/10/2018 21:04

I feel your pain OP. We’ve had around 8 au pairs over the years. One as bad as this girl. Give her a firm warning and be clear you aren’t happy and she will be asked to leave unless she Improves and does the agreed tasks.
I also do t like confrontation but had to steel myself to say it for the sake of my kids.
For a bit of advice I find that there a lot of Spanish au pairs who are trained as teachers but need to improve their English to get a job. They’ve been our best au pairs.
Also do you have boys? The male au pairs also tend to be a bit more into playing and less into their phones if you have sons.

Putthekettleonplease · 16/10/2018 21:10

Fire her immediately.

I fired mine. I booked her into a hostel as her the confirmation number and address. Packed her bag and kicked her out. Over and done with in five mins.

That’s ridiculous.

fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 21:16

Omg! Read the fucking thread!!!!!

oopslateagain · 16/10/2018 21:18

An au pair is someone like an older sister, who lives in your home as part of the family, and helps out just like you'd expect an older daughter to. Whattheactualheck, take a minute and read back over your posts.
She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. I did ask her to pick up the kids from school once or twice but she was late a couple of times. The jobs I’m able or willing to give her are just getting less and less so it’s just not working: she can’t be given simple meals to prepare, can’t do school pick ups and can’t be trusted to look after them .

If your eldest daughter did this, would you feel bad about stopping her pocket money, stopping her treats? No, you wouldn't. Especially as you had already warned her.

Don't feel bad. She isn't being an au pair. She never intended to be. She wanted a free ride, and she's crying because she realises she's screwed up.

Antigon · 16/10/2018 21:23

OP, I'd pay her the minimum notice.

And are you going to give her flight money or book the flight for her? She may may just take the money and stay.

ClaireAnne1976 · 16/10/2018 21:25

OP just read you’ve asked her to go. Well done. I can imagine it was awful and you feel sick.
You’ve done he right thing. She clearly isn’t the right person. I know it’s awful now but you’ll feel a huge sense of relief when she goes.
Sending you a big hug from someone who has been in a similar position. Xx

Ceilingrose · 16/10/2018 21:27

I've been here myself. You won't regret it .

Jakethekid · 16/10/2018 21:38

Not only is she being manipulative but I feel for your children having to have put up with her and now having to listen to her dramatics. Just remember she will be gone soon and your home will once again be your home.

Motoko · 16/10/2018 21:41

I've only just read the thread but here's a prediction: her "friends" have discovered they can't have her to stay after all, and her "lost documents" mean that if you insist on her leaving she really will be "on the streets"

I mention this just in case you think of falling for it when it comes crawling into view

Exactly what I was thinking. OP heed these words.

springydaff · 16/10/2018 21:41

Op. I don't know what's going on that you would feel sorry for someone who hurt your kids.

I'm not having a go. I just don't understand why your lioness hasn't come out and scalped her.

Where did you learn all this? It is insane that you're offering to pay her a months pay (for what exactly? NOTHING, as per) and her flight home.

Somethings wrong. It's kind of severe people pleasing... or something? Whatever it is its severe that you'd not want to rip to shreds someone who hurt your kids. No not physically but they are frightened and uncomfortable around her - in their own home! - while she swans about like an entitled little shit who left your boy alone in the house when he was ill. Why don't you hate her?

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