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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to do with aupair

607 replies

Whattheactualheck · 15/10/2018 17:04

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Moreisnnogedag · 16/10/2018 19:23

Don’t. Honestly I have met some women who, once they realise they’ve been caught out, can turn on the waterworks so much you’dthink Someone had stolen their puppy. It’s designed to make you feel bad and to relent. It’s a load of bullshit.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/10/2018 19:24

She's sobbing because she realised she was on a good deal and she messed it up.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/10/2018 19:25

Stay strong and stick to your guns OP.Flowers Yes she's crying, I'd be crying too if my cushty, paid holiday (that I'd lied to get) was coming to an end. She will go home and get over it and will hopefully have learnt a valuable lesson.

nonetworkaccess · 16/10/2018 19:26

Do NOT feel bad, OP. You've said yourself that the children are quiet around her. Do you think she feels bad for making them uncomfortable?

You've done the hardest part. Don't mess it up by giving in to emotional blackmail to this unpleasant girl.

Make sure she doesn't leave with anything not belonging to her and keep an eye on her for potential damage.

fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 19:26

I'm as soft as shit op but of someone was unkind to my kids and left them when they were sick they'd have got a bollocking and instant dismissal.

You've been more than kind!

Blatherskite · 16/10/2018 19:26

Better her sobbing than her making your children sob Op. You've done the right thing.

LeeBee11 · 16/10/2018 19:27

Don’t feel bad OP. you gave her enough chances. She was totally taking the piss. I don’t think anything you asked was to much. Your family come first X

Dljlr · 16/10/2018 19:30

Hi op, I've never been an au pair but I have been fired for being totally useless. I was much younger than your au pair but it was a very necessary part of me growing the fuck up and not acting like a tit anymore. I too did sobbing and probably made my manager feel absolutely terrible but it definitely was the right thing for her to do, and I did recognise that later. You've done the right thing for your children; you can't worry overmuch about someone else's.

e1y1 · 16/10/2018 19:34

It’s hard, but you’ve absolutely done the right thing - you were paying her to make you and your children sad.

Home is where you’re supposed to be 100 percent happy (well ok 100 is stretching it) but still, you all don’t need this issue.

Yes yes you’ll no doubt feel bad for a while, but it sounds like you were very generous with her and she’s taken the piss.

Antigon · 16/10/2018 19:35

Crocodile tears, OP, don't be taken in by them.

Well done for having the conversation. Ignore the cunty comment from the onegiftedgal. Because women with a loose approach to motherhood are known for negotiating WFH to be with their children 🙄

Bigboobiebish · 16/10/2018 19:36

You've done the right thing. You have to put your children first.

If she had any sense, she would have been a good au pair and made the most of the opportunity you provided her.
But she didn't, that's her own problem.

acivilcontract · 16/10/2018 19:37

As Dljlr says it is an important lesson growing up that if you are only half trying others will notice and pull you up on it. I remember it happening a twice to me, I was very sad and uncomfortable but honestly I should have known better than to behave like that in the first place. It's an important life lesson that you have given her.

MemoryOfSleep · 16/10/2018 19:37

Be careful, OP, in case her grief gives way to anger. Don't leave her alone with anything of either sentimental or monetary value.

GabsAlot · 16/10/2018 19:39

either shes taking the piss or she thinks au pair means live in someones house and get a wage for it whilst doing fuck all

mcmooberry · 16/10/2018 19:39

Well done and stand firm! We had to sack one au pair who didn't appear to like us or the children and was like a dark cloud over the place. She stole my car and damaged it (no permission or insurance) but that wasn't why we sacked her, my son greeted her one day when she walked in with her usual face like thunder and she completely ignored him. She had to go. It was extremely awkward as she stayed in the house with us for a week after that until she found somewhere to go (not looking after the children of course).

Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2018 19:40

No don't feel bad, she was not right for you, and she has to accept that as an adult.

EnglishRose13 · 16/10/2018 19:46

She's not upset because she's let you down, she's upset because she's lost her meal ticket.

alwayswingingit · 16/10/2018 19:47

Goodness me, she sounds like a nightmare, you've done the right thing OP.

Peartree17 · 16/10/2018 19:48

We're long past the need for live-in childcare (thank God!) but your story reminds me of my first and truly awful au pair. You are doing the right thing, don't be manipulated (as I was) - when you get a good one (as I then did, once ghastly woman had left) it will be like floating on clouds. Your children will be happy, and so will you. She's played you. It's a horrible feeling, but it will pass. A good lesson learned.

scepticalwoman · 16/10/2018 19:48

Op, you've done what good parents do and prioritised the needs of your children. Stay firm - they are far more important and she had the potential to do real harm through neglect / failing to be responsible.

TheSingingNanny · 16/10/2018 19:53

I think you would be better off paying for an experienced nanny to do all the things you are hoping for

HouseworkIsASin10 · 16/10/2018 19:53

She didn't even like your kids, nobody in their right mind would let her stay.

You don't owe her a living OP, you have done the right thing for you and your family.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/10/2018 19:59

I think you would be better off paying for an experienced nanny to do all the things you are hoping for Genuinely interested (given your user name) why you think that OP needs a nanny not an au pair? I don't see an all the things in her posts.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 16/10/2018 20:04

Crying or not, she's brought this on herself. She's probably just upset and losing such a cushy job where she could get away with doing fuck all and getting loads in return. Cancel her gym membership and ship her off to her friends. You dont owe her anything other than the boot at this point, don't fall for her histrionics.

Cloglover · 16/10/2018 20:06

Don't feel bad op. Hopefully she will learn from this. Please don't forget she is a 24 year old woman. I would have empathy if she was a 15 year old but jeez, you get to 24 and you absolutely have to take responsibility.

You feel bad because you are a nice person. But put this into perspective. She's got the sack from a job that she was shit at and clearly didn't enjoy. The tears are nothing to do with that. The tears are something else not to do with you.