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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and FIL have turned up uninvited

340 replies

scrabblechampion · 14/10/2018 10:58

I don’t want them here. DH is out (sport he does every Sunday) there’s washing all over the place, the place is a tip, I’ve got a cold, there’s no food in (DH going to supermarket on the way home) and they’re sat on the sofa in the other room waiting for him.

I let them in so as to not cause a scene and now I’m crying in the bedroom.

I hate it when they do this. I’m in my 30s, I should be able to tell them to get out of my home.

Can’t get hold of DH, he leaves his phone in the car. Have left a message to come straight home and get rid of them.

They KNOW he’s out at this time. They pretended they forgot. I don’t know what they want.

OP posts:
Gillian1980 · 14/10/2018 13:48

Wow, people are being very unkind to the OP.

She’s stated she was caught off guard, is unwell and that she is scared of her ILs. Clearly there is far more to the situation than anyone being or not being rude!

Do people have no empathy? Or no ability to understand that this could be a genuinely difficult situation for some people.

TeaByTheSeaside · 14/10/2018 13:49

I'm amazed at how horrible most of you are being to the OP.

I'd be exactly the same in your position, OP. And no I don't have MH issues or anxiety.

But I don't like having unexpected visitors when I'm ill and the house is a mess.

Why is that so difficult for most of you to understand?

OP I hope your DH is back by now and you've been able to go back to bed for a rest.

And in future, when they turn up uninvited DON'T OPEN THE DOOR.

SaucyJack · 14/10/2018 13:50

Nasty thread.

The OP is feeling ill, and the house wasn’t prepared for visitors. Even if her PIL were the nicest people in the world ( which they clearly aren’t), it doesn’t take a genius to figure up that she isn’t up to hosting them on this particular day

pointythings · 14/10/2018 13:51

Weary some people don't want anyone popping by. And it is their right to feel that way, and other people should respect that. I'm sociable AF, but on my terms.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 14/10/2018 13:53

Like many working women I have very little free time and unexpected visitors would not be welcome at all, whether friends or family.

I do not bash inlaws - I think the OP on the “holiday slideshow” thread was very rude to here, and I going later today to spend the night with my own mil.
I can’t see it being anything other than rude to expect your son and his wife to drop whatever they’re doing and attend to you, when you have a fully functioning voice and a hand to dial your phone with.

coconutpie · 14/10/2018 14:00

Wow, I cannot understand why OP is getting such a hard time on here. Just because some people feel the need to host unexpected people at the drop of a hat, doesn't mean everybody else has to do the same.

YANBU

Unexpected visitors really pisses me off. Get yourself downstairs OP and tell them they need to leave. You have a girly afternoon planned with your friend and they are arriving in 10 minutes so they need to leave now. And then later, tell your DH that you will not be answering the door in future to your ILs and they are not welcome unless he has cleared it with you first. Your home is YOUR safe space, if they make you feel uncomfortable in your own home, then are not welcome in it. If he wants to go see them, he can go and visit them himself. Good luck.

Jack65 · 14/10/2018 14:04

*I wish my in laws could come and visit.

What a ridiculous thing to say.*

Why is that a ridiculous thing to say? I wish they could.

GreenTulips · 14/10/2018 14:04

Onebiteofeverything

Poor woman was in bed ill - Gail to see how that would help her now

Catspyjamazzzz · 14/10/2018 14:05

They live an hour away - they haven’t ‘popped in’ they’ve made a conscious decision to travel there AND arrive at a meal time. Unannounced.

I’d start looking out of windows before I answer the door.

DHs mate ‘popped by’ yesterday (he lives 10 minutes away) and he was actually passing on his way to see his mother. I’m poorly, DH pointed this out. He drank his tea and left. He’s not bothered, he hadn’t gone out of his way.

Banamara · 14/10/2018 14:08

The fact that they are In Laws is not that important, what is at issue is the fact that those with no boundaries and who do not understand others needs for privacy and not to be caught off guard just do not understand this in others.

I'm fully convinced that those who call in unnanounced really think everyone will be absolutely delighted to see them! That is not always the case.

It is really just good manners to phone or text ahead surely? I personally would not feel comfortable about just dropping in to someone as I would always put myself in their shoes. What if they were still in PJs, the house in a mess, etc. That wouldn't bother me at all BTW, but it may and often does make others uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Best of luck OP. Best to say they are welcome to call, be delighted to see them etc. PROVIDED they let you know they are on their way.

I think this sort of thing is a kind of control mechanism... you know, keep the person being visited on their toes as they haven't a clue when the doorbell will ring and it will be us. Surprise! Yuk quite frankly.

flugelhorn81 · 14/10/2018 14:08

Yeah I get it OP, I'd be fuming if I wasn't feeling well, had housework to do and was looking forward to some time alone. And I agree it's not as simple as just asking them to leave - do people really do that?!

catpooproblems · 14/10/2018 14:27

I wouldn’t bother with the small talk. I would let them feel the full awkwardness of a situation they have created.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Imagine the AUDACITY of popping in to see your son and daughter in law. Some folk are bastards Grin

Pull yourself together OP.

Your PIL will be HmmConfused in the other room.

UnknownStuntman · 14/10/2018 14:29

Cat, they didn't pop in to see their daughter in law. They made a specific trip to make her call him home. That is a bastards trick.

I hope she's sent the deceptive pair of cunts home.

legofriendly · 14/10/2018 14:33

Have registered to post this.

“Causing a scene” to some people is enough to bring on an anxiety attack. If the OP opened the door and saw her in-laws standing there, what was she to do as they are the type to cause a scene if she shut the door on them?

Some people take advantage of others. The OP may be a timid type, the ils aggressive types. The OP may be scared of them, the ils the type to take advantage of her reluctance to say no.

I see this all the time in my job, someone marries the opposite to their parents - or the dominant parent - and, guess what, they don’t get on.

No point telling the OP she shouldn’t have opened the door, for whatever reason she did.

OP, you sound like you’ve had enough, that they are intrusive and rude and know you will be polite whatever they do. I hope they have gone now or your DH is dealing with them.

You need to make this the last time they are allowed to do that.

  1. Do not answer the door. Tell anyone you don’t mind popping round uninvited (if there is anyone) that they ring you beforehand so you know to answer the door. If it’s a parcel delivery or similar that you are afraid of missing, make sure you have a way of seeing who is at the door before you open. Video entry camera? Spyhole? Upstairs window?
  1. DH needs to tell them to back off, that turning up at someone’s house and expecting to be let in, is not acceptable behaviour. I don’t care if half of Mumsnet do it or half your ils don’t mind it, you don’t and it’s your house. His parents so he has to tell them.
  1. Give them rules that are watertight. No turning up without asking. If they still do it, they are doing it for badness not stupidity.
  1. To reinforce this, your ils need to aplogise to you. Yep! If I’ve read the situation correctly and this has happened before and you have requested it not to happen, they need to apologise to you. This is powerful! It brings it home. DH needs to tell them to apologise. It works. Or they refuse which shows you exactly what they are.

For those that are saying it’s no big deal and are about to scoff at an apology, it isn't for the OP, it’s for the ils to realise that they cannot keep doing something they have been asked not to do.

Some people don’t mind unexpected visitors, some do. Some don’t mind people seeing their mess, some do. There’s no right or wrong. What is wrong is when someone has been asked not to do something and they still do it . At best it’s crass, at worst they know it makes the other party feel uncomfortable and do it anyway. Either way an apology is needed.

Flowers
Nanny0gg · 14/10/2018 14:34

Ok, it's not people with poor comprehension skills at all.

They either like being spiteful or they're genuinely thick.

I'm going with thick.

LucilleBluth · 14/10/2018 14:38

How the hell did we get through two world wars. Jesus H Christ.

legofriendly · 14/10/2018 14:38

Meant to add, the number of people who are advocating lying to get rid of the visitors shows how immersed in social nicety we have become. I’m not saying it’s wrong, but the split is about 45% think the OP should put up with house invaders, 40% think she should tell a lie to get rid of them; and 15% think she should just tell them to go as it’s not convenient.

No wonder people take advantage.

legofriendly · 14/10/2018 14:40

UnknownStuntman

Yes, they could have called him themselves. This is a bully’s trick.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 14/10/2018 14:42

For what it's worth I sympathise with you OP. I have grown up children both living with their respective partners, one lives very near and the other now lives about 40 miles away, but did live within a 15 minute walk away when he and girlfriend first got together. We would never turn up unannounced, it's an imposition even if they are your offspring, it's still important to respect boundaries. If you aren't well you should tell them so and that you just don't feel up to entertaining them. Perhaps also suggest they could they come back some other time but PHONE first to make sure it's convenient.

Heatherjayne1972 · 14/10/2018 14:43

I get it op
My ( ex) mil used to turn up unannounced at random times and open the front without even knocking first
Until I locked it And pretended to be out
The fil once turned up to see dc on a Sunday morning with a carrier bag full ( almost overflowing) of chocolate and sweets
At 6-45am
We were in bed.

Luckily the then dh was there And dealt with him but I also hate People just turning up

YouTheCat · 14/10/2018 14:44

Nanny, I totally agree with you.

I'm not surprised the OP hasn't been back.

pigeondujour · 14/10/2018 14:45

How the hell did we get through two world wars. Jesus H Christ.

Well, you see, quite a few people didn't because they died, and many more were rather upset by the whole thing. What's your point?

Maelstrop · 14/10/2018 14:47

Are people deliberately ignoring the whole she’s scared of them bit? If my in laws were foul, they wouldn’t be allowed in and I’d be upset if they came round.

Those of you telling her to pull herself together clearly have no fucking clue how it feels to be this anxious about others. For all we know, they’re hugely abusive.

SilverySurfer · 14/10/2018 14:47

I sometimes think that the present day generation have morphed into an entirely different species.

I'm trying to imagine me sitting crying in my bedroom because people I don't like have arrived to visit and completely failing.

If you dislike them so much why are you at least NC with them?

YouTheCat · 14/10/2018 14:49

I'd imagine it's difficult to go NC with people who just turn up when they like. Hmm