To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

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I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

I don’t think that you me necessarily need to have any interest in tiny babies to want (and be able to) have a family. DH and I both wanted a family but both work full time in professional roles involving long hours and travel. We decided to go for it. We sorted childcare pre-birth and I went back to work full time when DC1 was 12 weeks. It was absolutely fine. A few years later we had DC2. Again back at work after 12 weeks, bit exhausting but on tHe whole also fine. I was perhaps ambivalent towards children but adore my DC and have found parenting much easier/rewarding once DCs are walking and talking. It does take a bit of juggling workwise but good childcare is invaluable. Similarly though we have good friends childcare through choice and they are also afaik very happy with their decision. Good luck whatever you decide!

If you are in any doubt don't do it!!!

I love my DS who is 5 months old more than anything in the world but Christ I had no idea it was going to be this hard! I go back to work in 3 months and in a way I'm looking forward to it but also dreading it. At the moment we have a non sleeper/napper and are on week 6/7 of no sleep for us. We're literally on our knees with exhaustion, there is no way I could go back to work right now and actually do my job, I'd burn out in a week!

Everyone warned me pre baby to sleep when I could as I'd never sleep again and I thought they were all nuts as for the first 4ish months he slept like a dream. Now, not so much. As soon as we get over this we then have teething to face as well as many other developmental milestones that throw them off.

You could be lucky and get a baby that sleeps or you may not you won't know! Even if you're husband takes the maternity leave it will still have an impact on you, a baby changes the whole family unit! I wouldn't change my life given the chance but I don't think we'll be having a second baby any time soon

I thought I would want to go to work but hormones are a funny thing, after 9 months I was wanting to stay home! I can't tell you whether you want kids, work issues aside your weekends and holidays are focused on their needs, if you are ok with that then do think about it in the next year or so - so many people I know said they didn't want kids, turned 40 and kids are all they wanted and their body was saying "too late". Working full time is common now and as people have said, a nanny is a good option for the first couple of years, nursery probably better at that point because of the social aspect.

Very unfair to have a child if you don’t really want one, OP.

(No judgement- I didn’t have them for the same reason. Though I quite like babies, but struggle with children older than toddlers).

The trouble with motherhood is very little of it is within your control. You can make all sorts of lovely firm decisions before getting pregnant and then anything can happen to change your whole plan. It sounds like it would be a fairly big risk for you to have a child as if something happened to mean you had to give up your career you might see your child to blame maybe, or get depressed. But that's total conjecture. You might love being a mum and suddenly you want to give up your job because you want to stay at home.

For me personally, I don't think anyone should plan to have a child knowing they want to put it in full time nursery from such a young age because they don't want to care for it themselves.

OP most people would say I’m nor maternal, but I live my DC and my nephews and nieces. My idea of hell was a play date but I coped.

Fortunately my DC were born in the 90s so my 3 month maternity leave was not considered unusual. I employed a live out nanny 8-6 5 days a week and was fully ready as in fit and getting enough sleep. I was senior management so had some flexibility but no working from home..commute was only 10 minutes. DH had the commute, the business travel, and the better wage. He also had loads of leave so often took days off to be with the DC.

Between us we didn’t miss an important milestone, school event or medical appointment.

And most importantly I have 2 well adjusted adult DC who if asked really enjoyed their childhood

To me OP, you speak about raising a baby in the same terms as someone who has inherited an unwanted Pet dog. No where in your post is the word LOVE mentioned which is a child's most fundamental need. Please don't have a baby if you're just not feeling it.

Would you try a puppy first see how that goes

Don’t do this either I’m sure your not stupid enough to test motherhood on a dog. They are hard work too, and I have a dog and a 4 month old. Crazy advice from previous poster!

Never missing an event? Would your children say they feel and felt loved? That they received praise, warmth, affection? Or that they had "lots of opportunities" and that's why it was an amazing childhood?

I don't get these cold women who go back to work as soon as they can. Why bother having them? You'll get those who claim nursery worked and they still have their career but I would bet that the attachment they have is shit and when the kids are older it'll show.
If you were asking about getting a puppy you'd be slaughtered on here... people get truly hysterical about people who work full time getting dogs.

Not everyone is totally taken with babies! Both my husband and I prefer kids when they're older if we're completely honest. We love our children, but just felt feelings of relief when they passed that early, helplessly reliant stage.
Op, how do you feel about having an older child? The baby stage doesn't last for ever - in fact it passes shockingly quickly. I've now got a teenage daughter - she has her moments, but we also have fantastic times too. She shares my love for books, and it's fantastic to be able to discuss them with her. She also enjoys cheesy 80s rock and is discovering a love for musicals.

Having a baby is like having a tattoo on your face. You have to be really, really sure you want one. (I think it was Anne Lamott who said this)

I would add that, for the analogy to work, you have to be thinking about it being a full ear-to-ear spider's web masterpiece.

I live in France. Most mothers go back to work full-time here when their children are three months old. All seem fairly securely attached to their kids and vice versa.

I managed to string my mat leave out to five months, but tbh, I was ready to go back after four. Babies are really very dull, ime. My child is a toddler now and a pure delight and I’m glad I managed to make it through the baby phase to the good bits.

I say go for it if you want.

No don't have a child. Stick to your career. To have a child you don't really want only to sod off back to work as soon as you can would be very unfair on that child.

@redstararnie76 see my earlier reply to Howmanysleepstilchristmas

Hair, I’m not sure whether/why you are implying children from families where both parents have busy careers don’t have praise, warmth and affection as well as “lots of opportunties”, the latter of which I assume is finance steered?!

Standard maternity leave is 9 months. Additional/extended takes it to 12 months, possibly a couple of extra weeks/months if you save up you holidays. Some parents can then reduce hours if career/ circumstance/finances allow. That bears little relation to one’s parenting ability. It has no bearing on the “praise, warmth and affection” a parent can give.

@RLOU30 I thought the woujd be a hint I was joking ?

Don't have a child unless you want one. Children need to feel secure.

yes babies are a nightmare but u sound like ur on a decent income so definitely go the nanny route for the mornings.. Night time help is hard to come by so if you are planning to work after 3 months that can be a headache. My dd is 9 months now and there are days when she wakes up more than a couple of times a night . Also account for the occassional colds and flu etc when ur up most of the night .. I know some posters mention kids are a joy once they are toddlers and beyond - my elder one at 5 is a pretty lonely child and I do have to spend a lot of time taking him out for activities etc . So your life is not guaranteed to go the way you want it to.. but its a risk well worth taking imo as having someone to call your own is pretty special . In short b open to taking time off from your career unless you have a good support network, be prepared to sleepless nights and working around the clock :)

Apologies, I had read your post, but not really taken in the part about the teenage son.

I've had a good giggle over some of the more judgemental posters on here who obviously feel that the fact that a mother has dared continue to pursue her career means that they have enough facts to condemn that person's parenting and assume that their children don't feel loved!
Op, as obviously you'll be well aware, none of us can tell you how you'll feel if and after you have a child. The one thing you can be sure of is that it will have a huge affect on you and your life, but it's up to you if that alters your career etc. As other posters have said, there are childcare options, nannies etc. The people I know who haven't had children, I don't think they particularly regret it, though I know they are all concerned that they may do further down the line, but who knows?! I would say that you tend to feel differently about your own child than about others. I'd also say that the one thing about having a baby is that as they grow up, you get used to them at different stages, so panicking over a 2 year old is not so likely when it's your own.

Above all, just continue to think about it and discuss your concerns with your husband - it's not going to be an easy answer. The fact that you've not dismissed it out of hand may mean that it's worth considering further.

Please don't have a child. You will resent it and that's so unfair on the child.
To be honest if you were talking about getting a dog in this way I'd be appalled, let alone having a child.

I don’t know any people who have kids who regret it. (That includes lots of people who weren’t planning them but end up having one by accident.) That’s not to say it isn’t hard work and there aren’t low times. The first couple of years are hard because you put an astronomical amount of effort in and don’t get much back. (There is a certain amount of treating the very early years as a job requiring supreme organisational skills, patience and stamina. As a working parent you might be rather good at all that!) But then they start talking and you can do more interesting things together, and it gets much much better.

You could leave it a couple more years and see how you feel then. My clock didn't start to tick until after age 35, and has got stronger as the time has passed. Maybe you'll be in a better position career wise then, and with a shorter commute, and everything will feel more manageable?

Although you also risk infertility and medical issues with this route. It's a gamble.

cold women who go back to work as soon as they can. Why bother having them? You'll get those who claim nursery worked and they still have their career but I would bet that the attachment they have is shit and when the kids are older it'll show.

Rubbish. Totally depends on how you are with them out of work. Had to go back to work at 4 months ...now
I have a great relationship with teenage d ds

Motherhood isn't mandatory for a woman and please don’t feel pressured by your DH, no matter how much you love him.

I’m curious as I may have missed it, is it just the baby stage of a child’s life that puts you off? Could you see yourself 5/10 years (etc) down the line with a fully mobile and chatty little person who wants to be with you as much as possible? Does this thought bring a smile to your face or make you recoil at the idea of having a little human who, at many stages, will want to be glued to your hip because they adore you? Rather than focusing on the baby part (which can be tedious, frustrating and drive a person downright batty! Speaking as a mother to 11 month old twins who I care for full time) maybe envision further down the line with a child and follow your instinct from there. But at the end of the day the only person who can decide whether or not you want to be a Mother is you :)