To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

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I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

I find it interesting that so many people are picking up on the going back to work at three months things. We’re lucky in this country we have the choice to not go back. It’s totally the norm to not have any paid maternity time in America for example - are all those parents going back to work purely to fund their life making everyone ‘sad’ about the ‘outsourcing of motherhood’?

OP you sound like in the abstract you kind of like the idea of having a child but aren’t wedded to it. I can’t really relate because when I turned 26 I was just baby mad and couldn’t wait to have one.

I also thought I was going to write a novel while on maternity leave though, things change, priorities change, life changes. I’m not a SAHM and never wanted to be - you might fall so completely in love with your child you do a 180.

FWIW I can do without other people’s kids but my own are amazing

Someone very close to me has 2 children that she utterly adores, they have a fantastic family life.

But in a very frank conversation years ago, she said ‘ I knew I wanted a family, but I can’t stand babies’

And I do kind of get that, the baby stage is hellish for some. But doesn’t mean you love them any less.

You probably ought to decide sooner rather than later. Lots of people around this age find out they can't have children. It's good to think about the practicalities now though.

Honestly in the US we get 12 weeks maternity (usually unpaid) and lots of parents go back then so I don’t see the issue. You’ll still have the up all nights and weekends though. And the pregnancy. Which for me was worse than the baby stage.

'cold women who go back to work as soon as they can. Why bother having them? You'll get those who claim nursery worked and they still have their career but I would bet that the attachment they have is shit and when the kids are older it'll show.'

What an absolute load of crap

And I took 15 months Mat leave

I don't understand the certainty in those who say don't have a child.

OP, just to say I would have felt EXACTLY the same re your kid on bench scenario. I'd still hate that now! It is chalk and cheese when compared to it being your own kid. It's just so different.

Whatever you decide, please don't be put off by all the 'clearly motherhood isn't for you' comments here.

My gut feeling is that if you're considering it, maybe go for it.

Shared parental leave would suit your situation, you take the first three months, then he takes the next three months (you should be able to afford this and it is a helpful reminder to your non sexist husband and his employers that it is not just high paid women who need parental leave). Better for your child to have parents during those early months. Then nanny or nursery.

I have just spent an enjoyable hour or two chatting politics with 13yo dd2 while watching 15yo dd1 play excellent football. Life changes, but in a good way.

It's all well and good thinking that you enjoy the company of your friends teenager, but teenagers that people enjoy being around don't just magic out of thin air. Babies and children become who they are from the input of those who raise them and their environment. Children can tell when you can't be arsed with them, and that sticks.

I don't know about your situation or the practicalities but I always said I'd like children I don't want a baby. I have 2 now and the baby stage is dull dull dull. I did however go part time as that was my choice but the baby stage is ~1 year the rest is great so I pushed through the 1st year both times and now I 'mostly' enjoy it we all have off days!

'I don't understand the certainty in those who say don't have a child.'

Neither do I Ostrich

I've read nothing Op has said which would make me categorically say that at all.

Agree with rest of your post too.

No, sorry. It is so important for an infant to forge a close bond with their primary caregiver. If you put them in nursery full time at 3 months then their primary caregiver will be random nursery staff. That could mess them up for life by causing attachment disorder issues.

I am aware I'll get abuse for that, but there are studies stating this. The baby needs someone to consistently care for them the majority of their infanthood.

Vast majority of mothers work full time, OP. And still have careers. So your idea of motherhood is a bit off tbh. MN is skewed in that there are many SAHM/women who work part time but I know only a couple in real life.

It's perfectly possible to have children and both still push ahead with your careers, even without lots of money and a nanny.

It's also fine not too like every stage. I had to think long and hard about having DC2 because I really wasn't a fan of the baby and toddler years with DC1. I'm quite open about not enjoying parenting teeny children, but last 3 or so I've found DC1 enormous fun. So I finally made the decision to have DC2 knowing there were a few hard years to get through first. But it's perfectly normal to prefer certain ages over others.

It's also perfectly fine to use quite a lot of child care.

However there's just something in your posts which says to me that you're really not ready to consider having a child yet. You have to embrace a certain change to your life - less free time, less money, a tiny dictator micro managing your life, essential meetings at work missed because they are ill, all that jazz. And you need to be generally on board with that before you make the decision to have a child. Because these things are going to happen and at least one parent has to be ready to drop everything sometimes.

It's nuts how many people are saying "Just go for it! It'll be fine!" Why on earth would you advise this to someone who's already said they're ambivalent about it, at best? It's bringing another human being into the world ffs. If you're already thinking of ways you can outsource the care of your child it's not as if you're going to have a great relationship with them by the time they're at an age you deem interesting. Kids don't work like that.

I think this is a perfect nanny situation.

OP I'm busting to know what you do as a career because it sounds great. Most people can't wait to start maternity leave just to have a break, even if they really like their job. Yours sounds positively addictive!

Best of luck with your decision, I definitely feel like a nanny is your best route.

Please don't have a baby for someone else. It's hard work, if you don't want it then it's even harder work and not fair on a child. What's the point in having a baby if you want to return to work at a few months old, before you've even got pregnant? Sorry, I just don't get it.

Unless you fall in love after having your baby I can’t see that this is a recipe for success at all. Pregnancy, labour and breastfeeding are hard and you have to want it to make it fun and worthwhile in my experience.

Have you explored your feelings deeply on this? You’ve gone from no to maybe - I wonder why?
Is it fear? Change?

Having a baby then going back to work quickly will not resolve you of the baby stage. They’ll still be there at night, mornings and evenings....

I don't get these cold women who go back to work as soon as they can. Why bother having them?

I know. I don't get all these cold men who go back to work full time within two weeks after their child is born. Why bother having them?

I know. I don't get all these cold men who go back to work full time within two weeks after their child is born. Why bother having them

It’s different when you’ve carried a baby andyour hormones are raging.

OP sorry you have had so many nasty responses. I would firstly like to point out that at least you are really thinking about the situation to a great extent and being honest about what is potentially putting you off having a child. I don't really understand why people seem to think its ok to have babies accientally (which is also ok) but for so many people to not very politely tell you that you shouldn't.

I had my child at 37, had been trying for a while and nearly gave up thinking well I'm not really maternal so I will be ok if it doesn't happen but now that I have my daughter I really think that even if you slightly think you want a child you should go for it. It is hard for any working parent and I really have found it hard working full time and never having a minute to myself but I can honestly say I can not imagine life without her now and can't believe I considered not having a child x

You don't have to breast feed. Or you could just breast feed for the first 4-6 weeks if you wanted.

You may work full time, but if you both can do a couple of days from home each week, then at least you don't have the commuting stress.

I had a really interesting job, but found going back 4 days a week worked well. I'm not sure I could have coped with only 3 months maternity leave, but maybe you could do say 6 months, and then your husband do some.

I also had absolutely no interest in babies, until I had my own, but then was completely besotted.

Hormones raging for a while, yes, but not for the next 3 years. You can't just say 'Hormones' and call it a reason why a woman shouldn't go back to work.

It is relevant when you’re talking about going back to work very early!