To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

Somebody needs to do a study of how long on average it takes someone to say "If the OP was man the replies would be so different!" on any given thread. It happens on all threads eventually.

Perhaps that is because the responses overall tend to hugely different. In this case a man wouldn't even have to think about whether he could bear maternity leave as nobody would expect him to do it in the first place.

Gummy..so not true. I have been a nanny to a newborn, and whilst mum was working from home and available for feeds, I have been the 'primary care giver'.
I have also been a full time 7am-7pm nanny to a single mother who worked away from home when her baby was just 3 mths old.
Both of these babies grew into well adjusted adults who knew exactly who their Parent/s were.
When I left there were tears of course, but I kept in touch, saw them when I could.. we exchange occasional letters, xmas cards and photos..both are now parents themselves and I have been asked to be their childrens nanny!

I don't think yabu. However if you have a baby be prepared for your view on everything to change.

I had a very successful career before having kids and imagined I would outsource the baby at least when tiny. However I ended up going back part time before taking redundancy and giving up entirely.

I think you should get your husband to agree to share ML and between you prepare to spend the first year of baby's life at home. You will NOT both want to work when you are a zombie from dealing with your child at 1,3,5am. Once a few months old they get a bit better, but mind didn't reliably sleep through the night until they were 3 and 2 years old. That's four years of continuously poor sleep. Nobody can pursue a full time career with that at the same time.

I do however know people that returned to work FT when baby was 5-6 months. They made it work, but they needed a nanny.

To add some clarifications to my original post, I don't have problems with the thought of the fundamental lifestyle changes that a child would bring in the long term. I've done lots of travel, Friday night drinks appeal to me less and less the older I get, and I feel ready for something other than the work hard play hard pattern of my 20s and early 30s.

I do not feel that I would resent spending my weekends and evenings entertaining a child that can actually talk to, etc. My issue is that the thought of getting through the 0-2 stage fills me with dread.

My original post was to find out whether this stage is really is something that you can just endure. However, responses seem to be split between people who think I would screw up a child for life if I wasn't hands on while it was small, and others who think it is doable.

I am still not leaning one way or the other, but all the posts here have given me things to think about, in terms of the pros and cons, that I hadn't previously considered.

Totally possible but I would expect your husband to take the rest of your maternity leave from 3 to 6 or 9 or 12 months and for him to take the career break and take in a more traditionally female role.

One of my friends, her mum wasn’t that fussed about having children and her dad did everything. The school pick ups, watched her sport matches, organised play dates. The mum just focused on work all the time.

Raspberry10 OP hasn't said that she or her DH will work long hours or be away a lot though. In fact she has said that they both work from home a couple of days a week.

Op, my youngest just turned two and I'm really glad. Conceiving was hard, misscarriages were hard, pregnany was exhausting, awful labour, difficult breastfeeding, no sleep, post natal depression etc. My second child would not wean onto solids or take a bottle. I felt trapped. I was really unsure about doing it a second time.. but I did. My career has taken a back seat as I think it kind of has too. Plenty of working life left though.
I travel with my kids, have a part time job I enjoy and two lovely girls. But can't say I enjoyed all of it.

Well, I for one think you are incredibly sensible for weighing up having children as you are. If you are this sensible deciding if you should have children, I think that you will be a caring mother should that be what you decide. Many people have children without giving the future a second thought. You’re already doing the right thing.
Good luck, OP x

I do not feel that I would resent spending my weekends and evenings entertaining a child that can actually talk to, etc. My issue is that the thought of getting through the 0-2 stage fills me with dread.

It's really very dependent on what your DH is prepared to do at this stage then. I can see no reason for him not to do the majority of maternity leave.

It's just pointless to have a baby and attempt to carry on as if you haven't but juggling childcare, mat leave and throwing money at the situation in order to live the same life as you had before...far easier to just not have one.

They grow up though. I wasn't mad about the baby stage but Since about 20 months it's been so much fun.

However, responses seem to be split between people who think I would screw up a child for life if I wasn't hands on while it was small, and others who think it is doable.

Interested by your phrasing here - what does ‘hands on’ look like to you? Because as I’d see it, there just isn’t much of the intensive parenting work of care and interaction that you can really opt out of at the 0-2 stage. You don’t have to give up work but even if your child is in childcare for 8 hours a day Mon-Fri, that’s 40 hours a week where they’re doing that work and 128 where you’re doing it.

It just makes no sense.

I really dislike dogs and would hate to have one, but everyone else seems to have one...

So, I've decided to get a dog but hire a dog walker and see if my dh can look after it, so I can have as little to do with it as possible.

Surely, not getting one would be a better option?!

I read that, but OP needs to make sure that she doesn't end up being default parent for days at home and 100% has to make sure her OH is fully on board with 50% of childcare.

We both worked at home for portions of DD's life and guess who ended up doing everything?

All I'm saying is if you are super, super in love with your career. Think and think again. Maybe my mother was the extreme, it was the 80s so different parenting times. I've gone 100% in the opposite direction as a result. Took time off, chosen jobs that are flexible and worked from home as a result.

I personally found 0-12 months painfully hard - babies are super hard work but I loved the toddler years they were tons of fun.

In all honesty you don't know how you'll feel until the baby is there. I know loads of high flying women who just ditched work once babies came along, and a fair few who became high fliers after they had babies.

You want to skip the parts where they learn to smile, sit, crawl, stand, walk, talk and develop their personalities. 0-2 is hard, but it's also amazing she the best chance you'll get to have some influence on their personalities (though not total influence).

Why do you want a baby? What do you think they will bring to your life and what can you offer them (non material offerings)? If you decide on an only child it is important that they have play dates, can you cope with other people's children at home after school?

Big question now. What if you have a baby and decide that you can't leave them and want to give up work or go part time? Will your finances and relationship survive that? I ask that as I planned to return to work at 3 months and only have one child. I took over a year off and am off for the same amount of time with dc2 now and I want one more baby.

Because as I’d see it, there just isn’t much of the intensive parenting work of care and interaction that you can really opt out of at the 0-2 stage. You don’t have to give up work but even if your child is in childcare for 8 hours a day Mon-Fri, that’s 40 hours a week where they’re doing that work and 128 where you’re doing it.

That assumes that the other parent doesn't do anything! Plenty of men seem to manage to opt out of the majority of childcare at the 0 to 2 stage. People congratulate them for just giving the baby a bath in the evening, dropping them off at childcare in the morning and spend time with the family at the weekend.

I never wanted children, was too busy building my career/ business.. Couldn't understand my friends being broody at all. And I was scared of the whole pregnancy stage,but not scared of the ability to look after them. I was however never completely fulfilled. I took a chance in my thirties as time was getting on and conceived immediately. Although I had a bad experience of pregnancy / childbirth it totally changed me as a person. No one could've come near to describing the feeling of becoming a mum that I had,it was the best thing I ever did and went on to have two more. You might regret it if you don't, but you might not. And you can't obviously change your mind. My career became nothing in comparison to having children. My fulfillment came from them!

That assumes that the other parent doesn't do anything!

No it doesn’t. I would say exactly the same to those men who want children but expect their partners to do all the actual parenting.

Why do so many people keep calling it “your year of maternity leave”? It’s PARENTAL leave, the mother can take a year of maternity leave if she want, but if they share it the father’s share is called parental leave.

Call me a pedant if you want but referring to it as maternity leave by default just feeds the assumption that it’s the mother by default and if the father takes leave he’s doing “her” role. No, he’s being a parent. Since shared parental leave was introduced, that’s what it’s called.

I’m torn between thinking you’re totally right to analyse this decision in a pro’s and cons way, to thinking I suspect a lot of people with kids would struggle to accept they’d made the right decision if viewed this way with hindsight.

But I guess that’s why it’s so hard to decide/rationalise. I feel like I’ve been bringing up kids almost my whole adult life, and I’m only 40. I work full time on rubbish shifts and always have, so life is basically work or looking after the youngest (pre school). I’m totally exhausted, knackered, ratty, I haven’t read a book properly for about 14 years and yet....

I probably wouldn’t change it. And I don’t have a natural affinity for young kids either. When I think about the laughs we have, the canoe trips I now go on with my oldest, the daft trips and caravan holidays we drag them on, I’m glad it’s turned out the way it has. But pro’s and cons on a list- the cons would win. On paper

I read that, but OP needs to make sure that she doesn't end up being default parent for days at home and 100% has to make sure her OH is fully on board with 50% of childcare.

I didn't mean that the OP or her DH should look at the baby while they were at home. I just meant that the child wouldn't be getting themselves to and from school or cooking themselves dinner etc.

All I'm saying is if you are super, super in love with your career. Think and think again. Maybe my mother was the extreme, it was the 80s so different parenting times.

The 80s were different in that there wasn't much childcare and also your mother probably wasn't allowed to take time off when you were ill.
It shouldn't just depend on whether you are "super duper" in love with your career though. It should also depend on how flexible you can be with your job (the fact that OP works from home suggests it is flexible) and also how much the other parent intends to contribute. The assumption here seems to be that if a woman doesn't want to give up her career she shouldn't have children but I doubt anyone would say that to a man. They would probably think it depends on what he partner intended to do with regard to childcare and I think the same should apply to OP.

@Undecided84 .....I think you need to change your views on the 0-2 year old. At the moment my impression is that you see it as some kind of amoebic blob that cries and needs its nappy changing. There is plenty of that and there's no doubt that new borns are quite creature rather than human-like. However, a new born is also an awesome super-charged computer with a memory and ability that you are getting to shape from the moment it emerges. It comes programmed with your DNA. What you then experience at 2 years of age - tantrums, laughter, talking will mainly be the product of everything that you will have either put in or chosen not to put in to that point in time. So if the 2 year old loves touch and cuddles; that will be because you've nurtured that baby. Try and see this period as a golden learning opportunity for you rather than something to be 'got through' or outsourced. Personally as a mum about to send my two off to uni, I can see no better or worthwhile thing to put my time and energy against.

No it doesn’t. I would say exactly the same to those men who want children but expect their partners to do all the actual parenting.

Well then you can't add up. If a child is in childcare for 40 hours but another parent isn't looking after them for half of the time they aren't in childcare then noone is looking after the child for 128 hours. When my children were small, DH looking after them in the morning and got them off to nursery (while I went to work early) while I picked them up and cooked them tea in the evening.

I don't agree that the "most unlikely parents can make the best ones". What a dangerous piece of advice.

I am shocked at how many women have children without seemingly giving it any thought or even if they don't particularly like children.

Ok maybe in most cases things work out fine but, obviously, in a lot of cases things don't.

You should only have a child if you are sure you want one. Even then things can go wrong.

This "oh once you have your own it will all be wonderful" is absolute bollocks. So how come so many children are abused by their parents or neglected by their parents?

My neighbour says her 2 children were accidents but "happy" ones. She is always posting on facebook how much she loves them, how proud she is of them, how they complete her life etc.

Shame then that I can hear her shouting at them all the time and swearing at them. The other day she shouted at the eldest (12) that she fucking has to work full time because she fucking has him and his brother (6) and she fucking hates it.

Other neighbours tell me she is always shouting and swearing at them when she drops them at school and picks them up.

She is now pregnant with "happy" accident number 3. Her husband seemed surprised that I didn't seem overjoyed when he told me the news