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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

479 replies

Undecided84 · 12/10/2018 19:32

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 13/10/2018 10:32

From what you have said - don’t do it.
I was desperate for a baby and still found it really tough when I had my first as it was such a shock to the system in every way.
At 3 months no way would I have been ready to go back emotionally or physically. Esp with ds (2nd baby) as he was a lot more fragile and had some health issues too. I would not have felt right handing him
Over to someone else at that point.
Enjoy your child free life, mine are teens now and while logistically it’s much easier, I would say emotionally it’s harder as they go through stuff.

Lazypuppy · 13/10/2018 10:35

@Undecided84 it could all depend on your baby. Mine has slept brilliantly from day 1, i could've easily gone back to work at 3 months as baby was sleeping 10-12hours a night. I've not had to endure theblack of sleep some parents do, breastferding worked well, no cluster feeding etc. Not all babies are like this, so you need to prepare yourself you may have to tweak your plans.

Also, c section recovery time is a lot longer so you'd need to factor that in.

I've always planned to go back to work f/t, my 9 month old is starting nursery settling in sessions next week, i have enjoyed my time off but i cannot wait to go back to work. I'm not a SAHP, i need to go to work, i love my job.

Also, i never really liked other peoples kids, but when its your own it is completely different Smile

user838383 · 13/10/2018 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

53rdWay · 13/10/2018 10:54

Also I think it's harder to make this decision as a woman, because on a societal level we think of 'mothers' as a different species in a way that we just don't with 'fathers'. So we try to imagine not just whether we want children but whether we fit into this category of 'mother'. "I'm not really the maternal type, I'm not interested in other people's babies." "I don't know if I'd be your typical 'mum', I'm really ambitious at work and I love my job."

This also goes for when we're considering children and we look at women who already have them. It's really temptingly easy to look at how women's lives change in big and little ways, and think "ah, they are obviously the kind of person who chooses all these things because they like all these things". I remember seeing women carrying their babies around in slings all the time before mine was born and thinking "well I definitely won't be THAT kind of mother, I need my personal space, I don't want to be attached to my baby all the time!" And then my baby ended up a super-clingy velcro type who screamed every time you put her down and I got the point of slings.

The overall decision is not about the practical choices, they're all secondary. The big one is about whether you want a child.

Hayles88 · 13/10/2018 10:55

Your baby will be a very different matter and I can guarantee that they will be the most perfect and enchanting creature ever to exist

What a crock of twee shit.

Notmorewashing · 13/10/2018 10:55

It’s hard work - why bring a child into the world and shove them into nursery it’s not fair, they need nourishment and love early on.

AnotherEmma · 13/10/2018 10:56

Hayles Grin

GabsAlot · 13/10/2018 10:59

i know someone who regrets having a child- and she actually wanted them im the only one shes told

Fullofregrets33 · 13/10/2018 11:00

I don't think it sounds a good idea for you. Not to mention missing out on bonding time you do realise that kids get harder work as they grow up? The baby stage is the easiest! The fact that neither of you are willing to compromise anything does not sound like a good start

0rlaith · 13/10/2018 11:01

Where do i cash in my guarantee because only one of my kids was a perfect and enchanting baby ?

LaDaronne · 13/10/2018 11:35

Full time nursery from three months is standard in loads of places that have shorter maternity leave than the UK, like France and the US. The kids turn out just fine.

Womaningreen · 13/10/2018 11:41

OP, I don't think you've gone from "never" to "ambivalent".

I think you're doing some wishful thinking on account of your DH.

results I've seen from people being "ambivalent" and going ahead anyway

2 x divorce and neither party wanted custody of the child

1 ruined life after the mother thought she could cope in the ways you describe, but the child was repeatedly ill and her husband refused to give up his job.

1 mental breakdown which resulted in the mother going to live with her own mother for a while and thereby forcing the father into full time parenting, which he didn't want to do but she had to find a way to get out of what had happened

all of these were "talked into it" by a DH.

just don't. It is perfectly fine that you don't want children.

flamingnoravera · 13/10/2018 11:48

I went back to work at four months because that's all the mat leave I was entitled to in the early 90s. He was EBF to four months then he had expressed and mixed feeds. He stopped bleeding at 7 mths and I was glad to get my body back.

II also don't do the baby toddler thing, I much prefer children when they reach school age. It's not cruel, your not going to neglect your child, I'm sure you'll be tender and loving to your own child. But don't have a child for someone else or to keep someone, do it because it's what you want to do.

Original poster
Undecided84 · 13/10/2018 11:49

@Hales, thanks for giving me a laugh. I almost spat out my coffee.

Re: A lot of the other comments, the Nanny suggestion makes sense. I have a more senior colleague who is returning from Maternity soon, leave after having a third.

She's almost full time, 4 days a week, her DH is full time, and they have a nanny. To be honest, it's a shame that I can't really ask her about how she makes it work, as I don't want to let anyone else at work know that there is even the vaguest possibility of me and DH TTC.

I also get the sense that I need more discussion with DH about how the division of labour would work in practice and I may suggest that if he wants to do this, then he should consider me taking 3 months leave and then he takes a month (meaning the child would at least be 4 months old before being put in the daytime care of a nursery or nanny). I think we could cope for one month on just my salary, and it would avoid settling a precedent where I am the go-to parent.

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 13/10/2018 12:01

A nanny from birth isn't the answer. Baby will love the nanny as its mother since they will be primary caregiver. Then nanny is no longer needed, the child will be bereft and grieving. That will have a lifelong effect.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 12:09

I also get the sense that I need more discussion with DH about how the division of labour would work in practice and I may suggest that if he wants to do this, then he should consider me taking 3 months leave and then he takes a month (meaning the child would at least be 4 months old before being put in the daytime care of a nursery or nanny). I think we could cope for one month on just my salary, and it would avoid settling a precedent where I am the go-to parent.

Why can't he do three months? Surely if he wants a child that shouldn't be too much of a "sacrifice"? If he doesn't want to do it he clearly isn't that bothered about having a child. You can save up before TTC in order to cover the financial impact.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 12:13

I find it a bit bizarre that people are suggesting OP shouldn't have a child because she isn't that interested in babies (at the moment) and she doesn't want to be on maternity leave for more than three months. Nobody tell men not to have children if they have little interest in babies or expects them to take months off work after having a baby.

53rdWay · 13/10/2018 12:23

It's not the not being interested in babies, Dungeondragon, it's that she recognises she has a high change of hating and resenting parenting. Not all of us are baby people but if your absolute best-case scenario for your life with young children is 'just about bearable', that's probably a sign that this isn't the path you deep-down want to take.

LividAtDolphins · 13/10/2018 12:24

Somebody needs to do a study of how long on average it takes someone to say "If the OP was man the replies would be so different!" on any given thread. It happens on all threads eventually.

If the OP was a man and her OH a woman, I would have given the exact same advice.

"Biggest life decision ever, will change life forever, shall I do it because I'm ambivalent about it? OH wants it more but neither of us want it enough to give up work for a while"

A: NO!

LividAtDolphins · 13/10/2018 12:27

if your absolute best-case scenario for your life with young children is 'just about bearable', that's probably a sign that this isn't the path you deep-down want to take.

Exactly! OP says:

then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood

That's the best case. That she could just maybe probably cope without resenting and hating her decision. Jesus! Who would advise her to go ahead after reading that?? Especially given how being a parent is almost always significantly more difficult than the "best case" you imagine before you have them.

LividAtDolphins · 13/10/2018 12:32

Anyway having seen OP's latest replies, it seems this is one of those ABIUs where the OP just ignores the majority advice and listens to the few saying what she wants to hear. Always a great approach Hmm

AnotherEmma · 13/10/2018 12:46

I agree Livid. It’s frustrating.

OP, several people have rightly pointed out that you need to work out whether you actually want a child before considering the practicalities. However you and DH manage things, your lives will change dramatically. You seem to have gone from never wanting children to ambivalence to considering timings of maternity/parental leave - but you’ve skipped a vital step, which is the part when you decide that YOU want a child and not just to please your husband or because you think that you “should” have one. If you have actually gone through that thought process and just not shared it on this thread please do. I find it frankly worrying that you seem to be actively planning it now despite the negative attitude in your first post. Have you genuinely changed your mind based on replies on this thread?

Also it’s a minor point but if you think you could only cope for a month without your DH’s salary, I would suggest that your finances / financial management need to be in better shape, regardless of having a baby, but especially if you do have one. Don’t you have savings? What if he lost his job tomorrow? If he really wants a child and you do too, you (as a couple) could prioritise saving for him to take parental leave. I think that’s more important than paying for a private ELCS when you should be able to get one on the NHS.

But these are all details and beside the point unless you’ve had a genuine change of heart.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 12:50

It's not the not being interested in babies, Dungeondragon, it's that she recognises she has a high change of hating and resenting parenting. Not all of us are baby people but if your absolute best-case scenario for your life with young children is 'just about bearable', that's probably a sign that this isn't the path you deep-down want to take.

Maybe I missed something but I took from that that she would find maternity leave and being at home with a baby "just about bearable" if she only had to do it for three months. i.e. she would rather go to work than be at home all day long looking after a baby. I don't see that as a sign that she wouldn't be a good mother overall. Plenty of women don't enjoy maternity leave. I found it very boring but it has no reflection on what I am like as a mother as that stage is actually very short. OP just doesn't want to do the maternity leave part and considering that her DH is also the parent and is very keen on having a child why can't he be the one at home with a baby?

MarthasGinYard · 13/10/2018 12:51

I didn't plan my pregnancy and felt exactly as you do Op.

It was a huge shock as was using contraception.

I went as far as going physically for a termination.

Which never happened.

I wonder if on here I'd have been advised to go ahead with it too.

I was once told the most 'unlikely parents' can actually make the best ones.

I laughed

I now agree.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 12:53

Somebody needs to do a study of how long on average it takes someone to say "If the OP was man the replies would be so different!" on any given thread. It happens on all threads eventually.4

Perhaps that is because the responses overall tend to hugely different. In this case a man wouldn't even have to think about whether he could bear maternity leave as nobody would expect him to do it in the first place.