To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

It sounds like your DH wants to have a child more than you do, but is also assuming that you'll be the one to make any needed sacrifices in terms of career, personal life, etc. That's bollocks. If he's the one who wants a child more then he's the one who should be rearranging his life to make that possible.

And that's if you even decide you're willing to go through with it at all, which you don't have to. It sounds like you'd end up resenting both the child and your DH. I wouldn't do it in your circumstances.

In Germany people don't have children. If you are a mum you have to stop working. Working part time is the max. Thus your career has ended. There are some job where you cannot get away with one year maternity leave end of. If you are self employed it's not feasible.
3 months is good. The father can be there at the very beginning of the maternity leave and have all his 5 weeks of vacation that year in block at the end. This is what numerous people do. Baby gets mummy and daddy time, mummy time, then daddy time. Then nursery. The nursery helps because as they are professionals the child will go into patterns for sleep and eating etc, which makes for better week-end sleep patterns for parents too. You pay but it works. You safeguard two jobs and you participate to others jobs too. It's a win-win. If you particularly do not like this stage it's very good for both parents mental health and their relationship aswell. You go back to your previous work environment, you keep your adult relationships no money worries(you are going back full time not part time), you go back to your eating routine. I think a lot of PND would not start with that.

hibeat
Wtf are you talking about? That is your experience of vaginal birth. Some women sustain horrendous injuries, womb infections, sepsis, are stitched up wrongly or the stitches burst and need remedial work. This is by no means an exhaustive list. Not everyone’s body just snaps right back. Don’t you realise not every woman is the same?

The 3mo in nursery is a red herring - loads of parents have to do that for myriad reasons - they can cope.

The issue is you can’t outsource parenting in its entirety. They get sick, they need to visit doctors, they need to be shopped for, fed, played with.

They might have additional needs - not even ones that are extremely difficult, but enough that there’s an unexpected impact forever.

My son didn’t sleep through the night reliably for 4 years. That could be managed - DH and I shared the wake ups and we got through it by alternating rests on the weekend. What’s not easy is the chickenpox, flu, looming after them when you’re ill too and they need patience.

Not being able to have long lazy breakfasts out at the local cafe, no impromptu dinners, no impromptu anything actually. For a very long time.

My older DS is 5. I found the baby/toddler stage hard but loved him and there was a lot rewarding and he was very well behaved - no tantrums, biting, didn’t run off, but he’s now been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism. To an outsider he’s just quirky, funny and a bit cheeky. At home everything needs supervision and cajoling. We cope and it’s fine but it will be a big impact forever.

You don’t know what life will give you so don’t do it unless you want the child and are prepared to uproot your life because it really does, whether you have a nanny or not.

I think it's a decision of the heart not the head. Only you can make this decision, probably the biggest one you will ever make (a child is for life not just for Christmas!), so don't be unduly influenced by a random bunch of people on the internet.

I think you are in the very common situation of being married to a man who wants to be a father but doesn’t wants his life disrupted and he expects his wife to do all the parenting eg he will do the drop offs.

Where your situation is more unusual is that you don’t want to do any parenting either. You don’t like babies or toddlers. I’m not sure if you like young children either as you mention that you find teenagers interesting.

I can understand completely why you think it might be possible to have someone else care for your child and you just do the bits you find interesting or wait until the child is older. Because lot of men do this all the time . It’s very common for fathers to do virtually no parenting for years - perhaps 30 mins a day. It then take kids to football practice on Saturdays when they are 8.

But that type of parenting ( where you do 23.5 hours a day for 8 years and he does 30 mins a day ) isn’t going to work for you.

And even if you get a nanny, how many hours a week will she work ? If she does 60 hours a week, who will do the other 100 hours ? because neither of you want to . Same if baby goes to nursery .

So your plan isn’t going to work. You will become angry and resentful that you have had a baby that you didn’t want for your husband and he is doing duck all. Your life will be totally disrupted and his will continue just as it is now, with him doing the odd drop off.

Don’t do it. If he wants to spend time with children, tell him to babysit for friends or relatives, coach kids football or volunteer with children.

Don’t give up all your free time for the next 10 years and damage your career for something your husband wants. That’s madness.

Only do it if he’s is willing to stop work for a year and then go part time. YOU can be the 30 mins a day parent instead .

I was a lot like you, OP, in that babies seemed boring and small children hard to deal with, except that I did want a child and my own baby was never boring and when the small child is your own, you mostly know how to deal with them.

BUT you don't have to have a child and if you do, you have to do so on the understanding that your life will never be the same again and you need to get as much right as possible, otherwise you have brought someone into this world who may not be capable of enjoying it very much.

OP, I was told at a young age that I wouldn’t be able to have children. Through my 20s I felt that this was probably a good thing - even by my early 30s. I could only imagine all the negatives (detonating my life, no sleep, no time to ourselves, expensive, loss of independence etc etc).

I was constantly on hormone treatments so no chance of falling pregnant naturally. I think making the choice to actually try for a baby when it’s such a massive unknown is incredibly difficult and had I happened to get pregnant earlier I think my outlook would have been very different.

Anyway, when I was 32 my mum died, and my perspective changed when she was very sick. Suddenly I felt that my life would be really empty without children (I’m not saying anyone’s life is empty, it was just how I felt!. I didn’t want to trust that feeling as I thought it would just be the bereavement talking but the feeling got stronger as the months went on.

I knew it would be hard to get pregnant and I knew the criteria for NHS IVF locally meant we needed to start trying right away. Didn’t occur to me I would actually get pregnant but that first month was successful.

At my 12 week scan we found out we were having twins. Honestly I was really upset and terrified. I had been worrying about how we would cope with one baby and now we were having two. None of my friends had kids. I knew nothing about babies or toddlers. I babysat my friends baby for an afternoon and I thought there was no way I could manage with two.

On top of this I suffered from severe tokophobia (fear of labour). Twin pregnant was physically hard and the tokophobia made it even harder. I was so unwell through the pregnancy there’s no way I could have worked between 6 and 17 weeks and 28 and 35 weeks when they were born.

You say MR cs don’t happen in the nhs but they do. NICE guidelines are behind you on this. You have to fight for it and jump through a lot of hoops but they have to at least refer you to somewhere else if they won’t do it. If you do have a baby, you tell the midwife at your booking appointment that you absolutely want a c section and what would be the process for that. If it’s tokophobia thats a factor in all this then I’d recommend early counselling as it did help me. I had a scheduled section planned but ended up needing an earlier emcs. There’s some misinformation here - in reality while vaginal birth is generally safer for mums, c sections are generally safer for babies, based on mortality and serious related disability statistics.

Maybe i’m reading too much into your post because I relate but I think you do want a baby, and you’re shitting yourself about the unknowns. Everyone knows the negatives but the amazing positives are so impossible to feel before they happen.

Having said that, I’ll briefly tell you about my experience and why your plans for a short maternity leave may not work. I had my emcs, my twins were taken straight to nicu. One was in there for 2 weeks, the other was in there for over 2 months. He had restricted growth in the womb and was diagnosed with a rare illness. At 3 months he still weighed 5lb and was like a newborn. He was then readmitted to the children’s unit HDU for a fortnight and I had to stay with him 24/7. DH had to take two weeks off work to look after the other baby at home.

By 3 months you might be raring to but I must say I doubt it, unless you could also afford a night nanny at least a few times a week so you can get some sleep. I’ve never known exhaustion like it in my life and they didn’t start sleeping well until they were 15 months. I started working part time when they were 10 months old, very very part time. DH works from home and looks after them while I’m at meetings.

Our lives have completely changed. We’ve been out on our own twice in two years. One of our twins has complex health needs and my life is a constant stream of assessments, tests, forms and appointments. I never thought I’d be able to cope with something like this, and it is super hard but honestly I cannot imagine my life without them. They are the best thing about my life, hands down. They’ve made me into a better person and honestly, the things that were important to me before (particularly my career) just aren’t a priority for me now. I spent so many years focussed on working my ass off for someone else, cared so much about doing a good job, I lived my job. Now I work my ass off for them and I wouldn’t change it. My only regret is not having them sooner to be honest - I wish my mum could have met them. It’s very hard doing this without her, we have no regular family support which makes life harder.

I don’t know whether you should have a baby, but I know I felt similarly and it was the right thing for me.

It sounds to me that you really don't want a child at all.

A child will change your life and it would t be fair to resent her/him for this especially when the child had no say in being born int be first place.

Don't have a child, it sounds as if neither of you are cut out for it.

You are enjoying your life enormously, there's nothing wrong with that.

You become a mum when you have your baby, the baby makes you a mum, that peculiar relationship will shape you. If you are dedicated to your relationship and your work, there is no reason why you would not be dedicated to your child. If it was an heroin addict who said she absolutely had oozing feelings for children, and wanted to have a baby, that would be another conversation. An adult who does not fear to become a parent is stupid. The very fact that you are questioning yourself so much and not giving in at that stage to the emotional side of things is good. The fact that you understand that there is pain, physical pain to the process and you are willing to have a forever scar on your body, you are getting there, it take all the 9 months, and even so, some people are not ready when baby is there. You are not even started. You cannot expect the end result already. Responsible adults are advised to not have children, then some absolute idiots have. This is nonsense. How many threads on here about people having unexpected pregnancies and not knowing how they are going to manage, than if you want to jot down your options and express concern omg you should not have a child. Being a mum is a minefield (already), if your plan suits you and your husband that's the only thing that counts.

No I d9nt tho k you should have a child if all you are thinking about before you have even conceived in is getting someone else to look after it from as young as possible fulltime. I really don't know why you would.

I've just had my first baby at 38. My whole life I said I didn't want kids and had zero interest in being pregnant and the newborn stage.

I didn't enjoy the pregnancy but baby girl arrived quickly and "easily" 5 weeks ahead of schedule so put a stop to the latter stages! And from thinking I'd hate it, I now feel that the newborn stage is SO precious! I've taken to motherhood so naturally after years of saying it wasn't for me (losing my 65yo dad and 70yo FiL last year is what changed my mind) and am totally primal when it comes to caring for my daughter.

I disagree you cannot wash/go to loo etc with a newborn, even when home alone I can find a way to do this. Due to a pretty 'easy' birth I was back at yoga within 5 days and have been to the gym/yoga every day since - I choose to forgo some morning sleep in favour of this as it helps my mental health (hard work fitting it in before hubby leaves for work though!).

Parenthood is bloody tiring and very testing sometimes - like when she takes 2-3 hours to settle at bedtime, but she is only 4 weeks old! That said, hours just fall into a black hole and it can be hard to get things done but the rewards trump this - and I imagine parenthood will get even more rewarding as she grows.

I'm different to you in that I was very bored in my job (but teach yoga part time which I'm going back to next week) and I must admit I'm panicking already about what career path I want to follow when it's time to get back to working - so I envy you in that you have this interesting job that you can go back to. I think if I was in that position I'd be way more relaxed now.

Sometimes, I wasn't sure if I'd made the right choice when I was pregnant - but now my daughter is here I cannot believe I almost missed out. My perspective has changed completely and I feel SO lucky to be her mum. My world has already opened up so much in terms of the fantastic people I have met through being pregnant/a mum. FWIW my hubby was also a 'no kids' person and I've never seen him so in love.

So I guess my point (having waffled) is that if you're considering it, deep down you probably really do want a child, and it would be a real shame to miss the opportunity.

Good luck.

I was brought up by parents just like you OP.

My father liked the social status of being a father, he felt it was good for his image. However he loved his fulfilling and rewarding career and would do nothing for his children. On the odd occasions that our mother forced him to care for us, he would take us into work and sit us in an office with a book and leave us some money to go to the work canteen for lunch ( wouldn’t be allowed now of course ).

We even spent every Christmas morning at his work, because our mother was angry that he wouldn’t even help on Christmas Day. TBH we really liked it there because everyone was nice to us there and have us sweets and presents. It was much more fun than at home shut in our rooms listening to our parents fight. It was the best part of our Christmas .

Our mother hated children and only had them because it was expected of a married women in her generation and culture. Married women were not allowed to work in professional jobs and it was a sign that a husband had failed in his duty if his wife “ had to work “.

She hated kids in general and she hated us even more, we were constantly told what a disappointment we were and compared to her as a child and her friends children who were perfect.

We had a miserable childhood, left alone most of the time when we were not at school or looked after my neighbours or random staff. But of course it wasn’t neglect because we were middle class .

Both my brother and I left home as soon as we could and never went back. I barely saw them from the ages of 18-35, maybe a couple of times a year and nothing at all after that.

I only ever saw them because I feet socially obliged, it was a duty. Much like they felt bringing me up I guess.

So Please don’t be those parents . It’s horrible to be an unwanted child, it scars you for life.

'then I would not want a natural birth. As the whole maternal request CS on the NHS seems to not happen in practice, I have told DH that I the only way I would consider having a child is a private ELCS. '

Op all this is fine

ELCS felt 'natural' to me. I had a fantastic calm and wonderful birth. I found the pregnancy easier to deal with when I knew this was all in place.

I also chose not to BF. Just my preference as never felt a desire to even when dc arrived.

I wouldn't fit into most MN pigeon holes of motherhood but that's fine with me.

I found most stages relatively easy but I'm guessing DP doing just as much as me helped.

I resonate so much with your posts. I would see how fertility lies if possible just to fore arm you with options. I wouldn't have left it quite as late as I did if I did my time again.

@MinecraftHolmes
the best option if you ignore the purpose of vaginal birth for the infant gut biome (and subsequent impact on propensity towards allergies).
No, even accounting for this I believe C-sections can still be a preferable option. I think this is obviously the case where a vaginal birth will lead to the death of the mother and/or baby, but there are other cases where the damage and trauma experienced by the mother and/or baby as a result of a vaginal birth outweighs the benefits to the baby's gut flora. Our understanding of gut biome is still developing and there are apparently many factors that influence its health including breastfeeding, diet, stress, antibiotics etc. I can appreciate that the impact on gut biome may be seen by many (including me) as one of the advantages of a vaginal birth, but I don't believe it is in itself enough of a proven factor to definitively say that vaginal birth is better than a C-section.

Don't do it, OP. If you don't feel a need to have children, there's no reason to saddle yourself with huge lifelong commitments. It really isn't worth it

Yes, you will love your baby if you have one but if you are happy without a child in your life, I would just enjoy all the money and freedom you have.

Hmmm. It’s tricky, because you don’t really know how you’re going to feel about being a parent until you are one, but I’ve always thought that if you’re not 90% sure, you shouldn’t do it. It’s normal to have some doubts and fears, but the overwhelming feeling should be that you want a child. If you don’t feel that way, it’s much better not to have one.

DH and I have always been sure that we wanted children. Our DS is 19 months old and it’s been incredibly hard - for many of the reasons PPs have described. In my darkest moments I have regretted having him. I don’t really regret it, I love him to pieces, but I’m still finding things very hard indeed, and I think DH feels the same.

Honestly, if I had been ambivalent about having a child in the first place, I think the last 2 years (I’m including pregnancy and childbirth as I hated both!) would have broken me. They very nearly did, and I was 100% sure I wanted to be a mum.

It’s really difficult to advise as it obviously has to be your decision. You might be pleasantly surprised, you might be lucky in that everything goes smoothly and you absolutely love your child and love being a mother. But you might not, and you can’t undo having a child - which is a hell of a risk to take.

Btw, the whole debate about returning to work at 3 months and putting the baby in full time nursery is a red herring and, frankly, an annoying derail. The fact is that if you went ahead with this plan, you would still have to parent during evenings, nights, weekends and holidays. It’s still really bloody hard. And only fair on you and the child if you actually want to do it.

One final point, which is only relevant if you actually want to go ahead. The man being the higher earner is always a convenient excuse for him not taking parental leave or working part-time or flexibly. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (his career is prioritised so he progresses, mother sacrifices her career so it flounders). In reality you can make the decision about what’s a priority and you can save and budget carefully if it’s important to the family for the father to do the majority or an equal share of the parenting.

DH is by far the higher earner but he still works 4 days a week so he can have a day with our son. Obviously that doesn’t make financial sense (we would be better off with DH working 5 days and DS with me or in nursery for an extra day) but we decided that the drop in income was worth it so that DH and DS could spend one day a week together.

If your DH genuinely wants to be a father and wants to share parenting as equally as possible, he will take parental leave to match your maternity leave. Each of you should check your employer’s policy on parental leave and pay, see what you would be entitled to and work out a budget.

I told DH I wouldn't be having a baby unless it was ELCS. He was dismissive and said I'd "be fine" to begin with. DD is now nearly 5 and he is the first to say he doesn't want me to go through what I did with pregnancy etc again but I did get an ELCS.

Another spin on this is i DID really want a baby/to have children and my first was an angel, second has been feral. Although I love them dearly, I think I should have considered the decision to have children far more heavily, to say there have been times where I long for my child free existence would be an understatement, I would urge you to really listen to your misgivings and what your head is telling you. Huge, life changing permanent decision. Go with your gut.

I don’t get it. If you’re already thinking of ways to palm your kid off on other people at the earliest opportunity, what are you even considering having a child for? What would a child mean to you if you plan on spending as little time as possible with it? Is it just a tick box? Kids aren’t stupid. If you don’t actually invest your own time in raising it, the poor thing is going to be well aware that it’s playing second fiddle to a career, which is a heartbreaking thing for a child to recognise. Plus, nobody really has an interest in breastfeeding and getting up in the night to tend to their baby. They do it because it’s what the baby needs and is in their best interests. If you can’t even contemplate a scenario where you may have to put someone else’s needs before your ‘interests’ then for God’s sake don’t have a baby.

I forgot to add that I completely disagree with this:

“if you're considering it, deep down you probably really do want a child”

No, no, no!

It sounds as if the OP is considering it because her husband apparently wants a child and she feels that she owes him one. Do not underestimate the social pressure on women to have children.

And we all consider things all the time - it doesn’t mean we want them deep down!

Having an ELCS is fine and perfectly compatible with being a mother, OP. Going back to work full-time is fine, etc. So is having a career you love. So is not being crazy about babies in the abstract.

You don't need to feel all mumsy to be a mother, you don't need to have dreamed about future babies since you were a little girl, or want to jack in your career to be a SAHM or know what to say to toddlers or coo over your friends' children all the time.

But you do have to accept that your life will change if you have a child, because it will. A lot of those changes are hard hard hard, and they're only bearable if you feel that the overall sacrifice of time and energy and money and life adaptations are actually worth it.

I work full-time, as does DH. Went back to work (p/t at first) when my first baby was under 6 months. I like my job and much prefer it to maternity leave. But still:

• I had a tough pregnancy, and it was really REALLY hard to deal with at work. My employers were unsupportive and awful. (I work somewhere else now.)
• Childcare costs us a fortune.
• There are work opportunities I can't take because of the time and unpredictability involved. That's particular roles, but also smaller things like where I would previously have picked up something new and urgent at lunchtime and stayed in the office till 8pm to finish something off - can't do that routinely now.
• Sick child = no nursery = making changes to work plans on very short notice.
• After work is no longer "Get in and put your feet up" time, it's now "Get in and start all the evening house/childcare/child activities." (Obviously there was housework before children, but there is more of it now and things like dinner need to be done earlier.)
• I am TIRED. If I drop down to p/t, which I am considering, it will not be because my career doesn't matter to me, it will be because I have a long commute and a demanding job and I am so bone-achingly tired. And this is not even dealing with the baby/toddler night wakings period - if you get a bad sleeper it is hard hard hard.

This is all worth it to me, because the payoff is my children and my life is better as a parent (not easier, but def better). But if the best you can imagine is that you might, possibly, not resent and hate motherhood if you minimise the time spent doing it, then it really doesn't sound like the right decision for you.

I swing back and forth between wanting children and not wanting children. In my case I will need fertility treatment, which makes it a more difficult decision. Babies are cute, but I don’t find them very interesting. I love older children where they are forming their own ideas and opinions of the world. I worry about what to do when someone asks me to hold a baby, it is so unfamiliar. But all my friends felt the same, they were handed this tiny human and thought, what the hell do I do now. I don’t think any amount of books can prepare you for a child.

Wanting to keep your career and return quickly does happen in other countries. However I think a nanny would be the best childcare option for you as it would give a bit more flexibility. However, whatever you do your lives will be turned upside down and you do have to be prepared for that.

No one can tell you whether it is the right decision and I can understand why you are focusing on the practical elements. I don’t think you sound cold or awful, just struggling with a huge decision.

Unless you are certain you want children you should not have them. Better to regret not having them than having them.

Pickleup, you may now know anyone who regrets having children but many many women and men do. There are websites/forums for people who regret it. There have been posts on mums net from women saying they regret it. Just because no one has ever said it to you does not mean they don't exist.

I have quite a few friends who tell me that although they love their children, if they could go back in time they would not have any. Also a lot of them say their marriages broke down because of having children.

I guess they can tell me those things because I have no children and so won't judge them. You only have to read this thread (and many others on here) to see how some do judge anyone who doesn't want children or suggests someone else should not have any or shock horror expresses regret at having any.

One good thing is you are thinking about it and talking to your DH about it. Me and DH spent ages talking about whether to have children or not and our friends and family who don't have or want children also say they talking about it a lot.

The couples we know with children on the whole say it was never talked about. They just assumed they would have children, it is the done thing etc. No wonder then for quite a few it hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine.

I know 2 women who had children because the DH wanted them but they weren't so sure. They are both divorced now