To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

Do not have a baby if you are not sure!

I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, Thing is, it's not just the baby stage is it? They don't suddenly become independent people as soon as they are out of nappies. Children are a lot of hard work, add to which you may find your child has special needs. What then?

And you don't want a natural birth? Why not? (genuine question)
Why do you think a section will be better for you?
Why do you think a section will be better for baby (it won't, by the way. Traveling through the vagina actually serves a purpose for the baby)

People will tell you won't regret having a child, I am here to tell you they are wrong. You can. My mother regretted having me (my father wanted another, mum didn't. Dad and her family convinced her to continue my pregnancy) and as a result we never bonded, and now we don't speak. It's been almost 30yrs. I don't miss her because she never once showed me that she cared or loved me.

I don’t know any people who have kids who regret it. People don't talk about it. But they definitely exist. You because you don't know any...

OP, possibly get the fertility tests and then explore your options from there. It's all fine and dandy for any of us (the desperate to be a parent/pretty ambivalent/unexpectedly happened regardless) to say what our own individual stand point is, but it's all about you and you DH. Don't take on board the 'Well your just shite if you don't do what I chose to do!'... I seriously doubt your thinking about having a child to abuse/neglect it, so I'd ignore the folk banging on like you're the anti-christ of potential parenthood because you're giving actual informed thought to the idea before jumping in... And bear in mind someone might believe they're up for a parent of the year award..Their child may well turn around in 20yrs time and inform them they are actually massive wankers.

Hi op, I love babies but as I am in America I went back to work when my little one was three months. I had a nanny and I really reccomend that route - if I wanted to start at 6am and finish at 3 I could - no relying on nursery bourse. She would bring the baby to see me for a quick feed at lunch time. She also did all the laundry and kept my house tidy, would also make dinner if I was running late! Meant I really had time just to enjoy my baby when at home. I know it’s a pricey outlay but it made being a working mum much more workable. Good luck!

OP, ignore the people giving you a hard time about nursery at 3 months. People are picking up on the wrong aspect of your question IMO, as what you do with a 3 month old is actually kind of irrelevant.

Yes, you can to an extent ‘outsource’ the day to day care of a child up until they are about 4 with a nursery or nanny. But unless you are enormously loaded and can afford both a day time live in nanny and night nanny, you are still going to have to do significant parenting overnight and on weekends. Even if you don’t breastfed, the broken sleep can go on for YEARS. And what you can’t really escape/outsource, is the restriction on your lifestyle and freedoms. And that restriction is not limited to the baby stage, it exists at least until they leave home! Once you have a child your time is never your own to do with as you please anymore.

If you want to seriously consider having a child, I think you need to almost ignore the baby stage for now and think about how you will really feel about the longer term view. I really really wanted children, but I found adjusting to the lack of freedom & the responsibility of child rearing, very very difficult. And I really wanted to be a parent!

I also agree with others that you need to sit down with your DH and have a very frank conversation about exactly how much he would be willing to do. Will he do all the all over nights for years on end if you have a crap sleeper? Will he really, truly, take days off week after week after week when your child keeps getting sick (quite common when children start group childcare, or school if the child has been at home up until then). If your child has additional needs, will he put his career on the back burner (or stop completely) to handle specialist appointments, physio, etc? Will he carry the mental load of tracking the child’s development, arranging childcare, school applications, play dates, home work, inset days, school holiday cover (3-4 months of the year depending on if you do state or private school!), medical appointments, etc? Or will he expect you to be the project manager for all this and he just executes?

And how’s your sex life? How important is it to you both, truly? Do either of you have a high sex drive? Would you really be ok with little to no sex for a couple of years? As this is the reality for many new parents, especially if you are lucky enough to end up with birth injuries or c-section complications that drag on (again, more common than people realise, it’s just not spoken about). Even without any physical issues, the sleep deprivation and sheer exhaustion of parenting puts a dampener on sex for most people.

I could go on and on but I guess I’m echoing a few precious posters that say, a child is profoundly lifechanging and not something that can be project managed. Your life will not be as it is now just with a baby. It will be a totally different life, with many new restrictions. And you won’t know exactly what kind of life you will get until after the baby is here, and then it’s too late.

If you like your life as it is now, please don’t feel pressured to have a child (by your husband, by society, by anyone!). It’s totally ok to say no. It’s 2018, not 1950. Women are allowed now to choose.

Of course there are many positives to having kids too - my DC are the best things to ever happen to me and they bring me so much joy and pride it’s indescribable. But people always talk about that part.... no one is honest (in real life) about the many many shit parts of parenting!

Don’t have one. The way you talk about babies and how you’d “put the baby in full time childcare at 3 months of age” tells me you really should not have one.

I haven’t read the full thread because your initial post made me feel strongly enough about this to respond straight away.

You sound as if you wouldn’t like your baby very much to be honest so don’t do it.

Your post made me feel uncomfortable and sad. Any baby you had I don’t think would feel loved or wanted by its mother and it’s very wrong to have a baby when you feel the way about parenthood as you do.

@differentnameforthis
And you don't want a natural birth? Why not? (genuine question)
Why do you think a section will be better for you?
Why do you think a section will be better for baby (it won't, by the way. Traveling through the vagina actually serves a purpose for the baby)
I didn't want a natural birth and opted for two ELCSs after doing in-depth research on both methods of birth and understanding the associated risk profiles. There is no definitive "safest" way to give birth and generally c-sections on balance slightly reduce the overall level of risk to the baby but increase the risk to the mother.

I know you probably have good intentions but I really think you should refrain from telling a woman with any kind of certainty that a natural biryh would be better for their baby. The reality is that for many babies (and mothers) sections are actually the best option so it is a valid choice and to suggest otherwise is misleading.

Please don't have a baby.

You talk as if you can deliver, have three months out, stick baby somewhere, job done.
It's not like that.

When you have a child you are singing up to a lifetime- or at least 20 years of care.

Children deserve loving engaged parents. They need ongoing nurturing, guidance and care.
They need potty trained. They will have toddler tantrums. They may have sleep issues. They need time and patience.
They need parents to take them days out, to buy new shoes, to get a haircut, to visit the farm, the park, the farm, soft play.
THey have to engage with other children, you have to arrange play dates.
They need support when they start school, they will finish at 3.30pm.
They get loads of school holidays, they will be ill at times and you will have to take time off work.
They need help with homework, they need emotional support to navigate friendships, to deal with bullies.
Don't even get me started on the teenage years and beyond!!

All this too is very costly and will impact on your lifestyle.

You will find it hard to go out in the evening. You will be dog tired, your friendships will suffer.
Your priorities when choosing a holiday will have to change.
Ditto meals out with your child.
Ditto days out.

THe impact of having a child cannot be overestimated.

It will turn your life upside down.

It is not like getting a new sofa, taking delivery and parking it somewhere.

Having read your post, no don’t have them.

There are no guarantees with children. My first is severely disabled and now an adult. He still requires an enormous amount of care. He has brought me inctedibke happiness, a lot of stress and tbh a lot of meaning in life. But there’s no way he would ever have been compatible with an ‘interesting and demanding job’. Even as an adult not living at home he currently isn’t compatible with any employed job unless I have complete control over my hours (I do a mix of employed/self employed work where I have near complete say over hours - some of it is interesting, but all is secondary to him).

To be honest my younger kids, who are (so far) easy going, pretty independent teens who are no trouble at all & a pleasure to be around - also need to come before my job - whether dull or interesting.

There is a possibility you could have a child and find it changes your perspective on everything (have seen that happen a few times), but if not - if you had children and continued to feel as you describe in your OP, I think you would end up doing a lot of damage, to you, your child and your dh. I think it’s more likely your perspective would change tbh, but it doesn’t always.

I was and am, never bothered about other people's babies. Your own child is different, however you do need to.put in effort to bond with therm in those early few months and it is hard work. They aren't like dolls to be picked up when you feel like it.

They do grow up quickly and time goes by in a flash but it seems like forever at the time. That sounds a contradiction but it's not.

You’re not having a baby, you’re creating a human being that will eventually become an adult. This adult will be influenced by its upbringing.

I wouldn’t OP.

I endured the baby stage as it was so much harder than I expected and turns out I'm not interested in babies. However I love toddlers and older children so I only had to get through the one year.

I took 9 months maternity and then only worked 2.5 days a week until DS was 1 which I hated. However I am really glad I did that now. I struggled to bond with DS in the first month and although I don't know what would have happened if I had returned to work early I do think it would have affected the incredible bond I now have with DS.

I really really really wanted a child though and to be a mum and that got me through that first year. I wouldn't do it if you don't have that feeling.

Can you afford the nursery/nanny costs? If so it's certainly possible. I know a few women who've gone back full time after a short mat leave (one only took 8 weeks!) A nanny would make things easier as you don't have the struggle of getting baby ready for nursery and trying to get out on time! She could start at say 7am or even better, live in so you have help at night too.

Lots of people dislike the baby/toddler stage, it's boring, tedious and draining.

What yu are proposing is what is seen as totally normal in other countries.
In France, women used to have 3 months ML (granted they usually also ensured they had a month hols in the top of it). Most women who work work full time (there is little part time jobs).

I can’t see that been an issue, unlike what most people think in the uk. What children need, more than having a mother (note it’s never the father...) with then full time until they are at least 5yo is someone

• who cares for them and is genuinely there for them when they are around (aka evenings and weekends)

• parents who are happy. If been at home is something you dread, why in early wouod you inflict that to yourself and your child?

• a carer during the rest of the time that has their best interest at heart, which can be harder to find I found.

There is the issue that you have no idea what life is going to throw at you. You might have a child who has some (light) medical issues which will require doctors/consultant visits for example. You might struggle to recover frombirth (so 3 months might feel a bit short) etc...

Fwiw 3 months was the stage at which point I felt confortable to leave my baby with other carer/CM/nursery. Before that it would have felt ‘wrong’ for want of a better word.

The newborn phase is probably one of the easiest there is. At least in my experience/opinion. Toddlerhood is harder. So don't think that it's over after only a year!
And to the poster who hasn't washed her hair in a week, because of having a baby and no time, this really isn't right. Motherhood shouldn't reduce you to that Pop the baby on the playmat and hop in the shower!

What yu are proposing is what is seen as totally normal in other countries

Not in Germany! My German friends were absolutely horrified at me going back to work at 6 months.

I don't know if you have a pet or not, but sit down and ask yourself (if you don't have one) whether getting a puppy tomorrow would be the thing for your DH or yourself, and if not why not.

If the answer is no then shelve the idea of a baby.

I live in a country where short mat leave is the norm. I personally don't think it's healthy at all. I have worked as a nanny here and while I think hiring a nanny gives you the best of both worlds, parenting is your role 24/7/365 from the day the baby arrives, for years down the road. The nanny is never going to be able to sub for you completely and if he or she is filling that role then you have problems.

Maybe you could get a dog (and sitter) instead... or better still a couple of cats.

I'd advise you not to have a baby, you'd be at high risk of postnatal depression. Babies are 24hr feeding machines and need to have responsive parenting not be forced into a schedule.

Your life will revolve around the baby not the other way around. If you weren't bonding with the baby then they are likely to be more unsettled, crying a lot and that's on top of the colic, reflux etc etc.

Don't bring an unwanted child into the world, it's very cruel and selfish in the end.

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a very good reason.

I like your plan, it's ideal to me. I have more than one and really no !you do not have to mold your life like a commercial for Neverland. You already have a great life and just he one child you can work around. Mind you, this is more work, but it is rewarding. Often you realize that it's not about motherhood or babies it's about how others (society) wants you to feel and behave. It's your life. 3 months is what works when you have a career. Now you have to realize that it might not work out absolutely perfectly for x reasons : scheduling a baby is not exactly like making a meal. (3 months and a day, 3 months and a week, or even 2 months who cares ? Do what suits you) You can definitely choose a moua ha ha parenting style rather then the goozy goozy cliche advertisement style. Have your kid while still being true to yourself. I hated pregnancy and the nappies stage, (I'm a "I can't wait" mum) they are gorgeous now that they can argue. He has to pitch in though , the best is that you alternate the maternity leave, then baby can go to nursery a little later then 3 months, or he takes his vacation to top up his dad's leave, everybody will be sitting down and calculate when is the best time of the year and how much days of work they can get away with. It's is about wanting it all : with one kid it is possible. Going back to work as soon as possible might feel like hell or relief, in hindsight you will see it's the best thing that you could have done for yourself and your kid. Having a kid is not tchernobyl.

This sounds along the same lines as the conversation DH and I had when we were considering getting a puppy for our son last year.

We decided neither of us wanted said puppy enough to commit to what was involved in giving it a good home.

I politely suggest you and your DH do the same.

speeak out it’s interesting because I can’t see any of that been incompatible with been a parent that works full time.

I do agree that having a child throw your world upside down though but I also think that children are much more adaptable than we think and that we, in general, seem to have lost the ability to ask children to adapt to us, adults, and only know how to adapt to them.
It’s very good up to a certain point. When your whole life is becoming inon child centric, i don’t think it’s good for the child either.

Eg I’ve never stopped going in hols the way we did before having children. We were camping, are still camping during the hols. (Bar a couple of years when dc2 just could not settle in a tent). We have always gone walking and are still doing that etc...
The difference is that we adapted the walks to them as children, made the trips fun, added a trip to the local swimming pool from time to time etc... They are now teenagers who love the outdoors and are very happily coming with us camping and walking.

Some people are not particularly keen on the baby/ toddler stage but this sounds more than that. Children older than this still require a lot of your attention and some significantly so right into adulthood. I would think very carefully about this.

And vaginal birth ! The recovery is very quick. You can have a beautiful birth with no tears whatsoever. If you have to have a Cs is something else than planning a C section. I'd rather yell for 15 minutes than for a month. Do not put on weight, I repeat do not put on weight. (No more then 10 kilos). You want the experience not the souvenir... Everything will snap back to normal within a few weeks. Do schedule our perineal courses after birth with a professional. If you breast feed only for a few weeks you might even be slimmer than the previous you. Get coached by your obgyn or your midwife. We are in 2018 you don't have to resort to 60's method of managing your pregnancy and cut your body to get your way.

I wasn't remotely interested in babies either and still arm't to be honest and I endured the baby and toddler stage and found it very hard work as my ds was quite demanding and had some health issues.
However he's now a funny, caring, charming and kind beautiful 10 year old who is my bestest mate in the world.
Go with your gut.

What I thought about is how I would feel at 50 if I'd never had children. The answer was I'd have felt sad. So that was my answer.

Don't be so naive to think you won't have to make sacrifices though. You will, it comes with the job unfortunately.

bumpity the best option if you ignore the purpose of vaginal birth for the infant gut biome (and subsequent impact on propensity towards allergies).