To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

Your plan sounds OK though I would probably prefer a nanny to a nursery as it would be more flexible. I was also in my 30’s and married 10y plus when I had my first DC and I returned to work less than 6 weeks after the birth. It was fine. And I didn’t do a job where I could WFH at all.

I haven’t rtft but just wanted to chip in to say that I was pretty ambivalent about having kids too, and posted a very similar question to the op on another forum, nearly a decade ago.

I took the plunge. I did not enjoy the baby and toddler years; it was a grind. But I love my dc. They are now 8 and 6, and primary aged children are SO much more fun and interesting! I amaze myself by how much I enjoy them now. They are little people not just creatures to be looked after; people who remind me of myself and dh, and of extended family members.

I still don’t like other people’s kids , and that’s ok.

I recommend reading 'Baby and Child' by Penelope Leach. If nothing else it'll ensure you're not scared of 10 minutes alone with a toddler.
I think the fact that you've changed your position from 'never' to 'maybe?' means you might well be ready to be a parent. It's impossible to predict what kind of parent you'll be. You only really know that after the baby comes. The first few months/year are exhausting unless you're very lucky.

Stroke - you're so right.

Undecided - don't be so sure that a CS is the easiest way. It will take longer to recover from than an easy vaginal birth (not to say a vaginal birth will be easy, but some of them are). If you do go ahead, keep your options open on that one (even if you do decide to go private). It would be a shame to go through unnecessary damage to your body. Honestly, for many, it isn't the birth that causes damage but the pregnancy. I have a 9 year old and a 7 year old and when tired, stressed, and rushing with heavy bags I still get twinges of hip pain from poorly treated SPD. Two vaginal births left me with no visible "pregnancy damage" on my body whatsoever: no scars, no stretch marks, no varicose veins, no piles, no continence issues. If you conceive and carry and bear a child it would be incredible if it cost you nothing physically, but don't assume that the CS will be the best option or will get you off all the hooks.

I hated the baby stage and the toddler stage wasn't much better. Ds is five now though and fab, very funny, articulate for his age, asks interesting questions I don't always know the answers to (so I have learned a lot) and is generally pretty good company.

He was also a total shock. I was adamant I was never having children as the whole idea of it sent me running for the hills. I have never been broody in the slightest, even as a kid I thought playing with dolls and playing house was tedious (far more exciting to play space shuttle pilot and mountain explorers).

I found myself quite viscerally protective of dc when I found out I was pregnant though and surprised myself by being so certain I wanted to keep him.

My career did take a hit, but dp is certainly an equal parent and we did discuss division of labour and working etc (not so much when ds was tiny, in fact I'd say he actually did more then as I took quite a while to recover from a pretty rough birth) but life is better with ds in it for certain.

Dp is the main bread winner, but that is purely a fiscal thing as his job has more earning power than mine. We would swap roles in a heartbeat if we could afford it (which is a real possibility down the line)

Not sure what your point is regarding vaginal birth - c sections aren’t zero risk.

Wombs still need to heal from the placenta detaching regardless of birth method.

But if you didn’t like my example, how about my friend, who’s c section stitches got infected and burst open, then the restitch didn’t heal properly, she was in and out of hospital for months and ago more antibiotics than you can shake a stick at...

I know loads of people will pile on now saying birth is fine! But actually, birth injuries / physical complications post pregnancy and birth are really common, going by my friends and family anyway.

From reading your post I would not have a baby. your already unsure & you could end up in a horrific place mentally while pregnant or even worse when baby is small. Giving up/compromising your career is a huge thing, I too will loose mine when we have a baby but although part of me is selfishly heartbroken because I love my job & earn a good wage, I'm also cool working part time in asda if it means I can bath & read to my sweet baby every evening & spend weekends playing/at the farm/zoo etc.

Does your partner want a baby of his own? Is foster/adoption an option?

I was never fussed about having another baby of my own but wanted another child, ex didn't want child of his own so it was always the plan to adopt an older child. My now partner wants kids of his own & were now TTC it's 100% something you have to be sure of, and agree on. I wouldn't have a baby on a whim that it will be ok, it's hard work.

Going by what you've said I don't think you should have a child.
I can totally understand the pressure you feel regarding your DH but, and I'm really not trying to be glib here, but if a poster posted your op about a pet and not a baby I'm sure it would be a resounding no

I didn't want children and never even considered parenthood until I was older than you are. I now have two teenagers and no regrets. I'm not a baby person at all but the older they get the more interesting they become.

I didn't take any maternity leave at all - I was self employed and the main earner, so DH took some time off and we used childcare. I was back at work within a week of birth both times.

I don't really understand why you would plan a CS. If you are healthy and lucky, as I was, recovery from a vaginal birth can be pretty quick. There is no such thing as a quick, easy recovery from a CS.

I had zero maternal instincts, no exposure to babies/young children. Found myself 19wks along at 18yrs old. Single parent, living on our own. I went on maternity 2wks pre birth, utilised childcare/family support so I could work/attend college at 12wks post birth. I couldn't afford to not work, wished to continue my education for a greater financial stability for both our future's (selfishly?), didn't want to lose my own identity (firmly clung to this). Dd is now 20 and on her own path, we're very close. Not everyone rushes full throttle towards 'You must be attached to your child 24/7 by the hip for at least 1-3yrs or they'll be fucked up for life'. Do whatever suits you/DH, and a potential child. No one wrote the book, we're all different family units.

Soooo you don't like babies or indeed toddlers, don't want to take any time out your career or life to have a baby, don't want a vaginal birth, but you think you'd like a teenager as you got on with your friends teenager once.

You should totally have a baby, start trying now. Sounds like a great idea .

OP I really do not understand why you would want to have a child when you are unsure if you actually want one.

My own mother married in the late 1950s and prior to this had a good job. I guess she had no idea about what childcare actually entailed as she was the youngest child in her own family.

Having to give up work, which was non negotiable for many women in those days, left her feeling isolated and unhappy with her lot in life. As children we were held responsible for this.

Your responsibilities to your child will conflict with your employer's expectations on many occasions. Unless DH is prepared to be 50 percent committed to taking time off to collect a poorly child from childcare/nursery/school, this will fall to you by default.

Bringing up children is hard work. Think it through and consider the sacrifices involved.

Oh as for breastfeeding, I tried for three weeks and it wasn't working for either me or Dd, so I quit! 😮 shock horror! Neither of us spontaneously combusted and we're still here to tell the tale. Other side of the coin is my brother who was of the 'Omg! It's a baby, I don't have a clue brigade!' - he ended up being a SAHD very much through choice for his kids formative years.

For those advocating adoption/fostering? Wtf?! I'm adopted and the process was/is gruelling. What do you think happens? Someone doesn't want to take maternity leave so they apply for a pre born child?.. I despair...

*Ilovecookiedough"

LOL

Every child deserves to be truly wanted and utterly loved.

There's nothing wrong with you if you don't have a child. Far preferable than having one because you vaguely feel it might be ok and work out fine.

Money to provide for a child and physically caring for a child are very important, but it's so important that a child is loved and does not end up being resented for simply existing and having needs.

Hand on heart I'd explore fertility testing to see where both your options actually stand. It sounds like you're exploring the idea and the what if's. I'd be looking towards checking if you have the biological time frame to take another couple of years to fence sit and consider your options if that's what you want. You may find in another 12-18mths the desire to have a baby grows, or it may fade away. It sounds like you're at a very settled life stage right now, which is potentially throwing up a few question's for you.

Ask yourself this: do you want to be responsible for bringing into the world a child who is, at best, endured by its mother? A child who, before it was even conceived, had had plans laid for childcare at 3mo (roughly the age that babies’ vision focuses and they begin to see in colour)?

There are 7bn people on Earth. There’s no need to procreate for the sake of saving the human race. Your DH sounds like he’d like a child in the way he’d quite like to experience living abroad. I’d stay as you are and have no regrets and feel no guilt. You’d be making the wisest decision.

The bottom line is that having a child is basically the biggest life-long change you will ever make to your life. Even if you go back to work early and it doesn't affect your career, nobody can argue that it doesn't profoundly change your life.

I would never make the biggest decision of my life based on a feeling of "ambivalence".

No way. If your husband was eager to take full paternity in place of your maternity that would be great. But how much does he really want it if he is refusing?!

If neither of you want a child badly enough to quit work/go part-time for a few months/a year or however long, then clearly neither of you want a child that much.

It's perfectly fine to not want to have a kid!
It is not fine to bring a child into the world who would (by the sound of your post) unloved, unwanted and just something your going too do to please your partner. I say this all the time, children are not asked to be born. They are helpless and innocent and need all the love in the world. If you can't give that then please do not bring a child into this world!

Putting a three month old in full time nursery (when you don't have to) is cruel imo. A baby that young should be at home with, ideally their mother, but if that's not possible another consistent one-on-one caregiver.

I really wanted my DC but I've found parenting very VERY difficult. The lack of freedom, the feeling of my wings being clipped and my options in life limited, is torturous at times. Don't listen to comments like "when you see your baby you'll be so in love you won't want to leave them" etc. this is definitely not a guarantee. There's been times I've regretted my choice and times when I've ached to return to my old life. That said, as they're getting older and the youngest is turning one I'm beginning to see things get easier and I enjoy them so much more. And when they do something cute or reach a new milestone I burst with pride.

You might take to parenting like a duck to water and adore your DC - that's the thing about becoming a mum - none of us know how it's going to turn out until we jump in and do it. Honestly though? Reading your post I'd probably leave it if I were you OP...

I don't think motherhood is for you either, OP but I'll credit you for laying your feelings out on the line on MN to get other viewpoints and opinions rather than just going ahead and potentially regretting it.

The biggest issue isn’t going back to work. It is that responsible adults should not have a child without committing to love it through thick or thin, to always make them feel wanted, loved and supported, to rush on the way home to see them , to prioritise them- if work is busy and your child is sick, your child comes first (between the two of you of course). It’s dashing to get ready in the morning and your child says anxiously ‘do I have to go to nursery , Paula hits me’ and stopping to kneel down and say I’m sure she won’t today but anyway after afternoon tea there’ll be a knock at the door and I’ll be there with two kisses and a big cuddle. It’s tracking their homework and teaching them to ride a bike and to cook. It’s many many interrupted nights.

Also, (I haven't read the full thread so sorry if this was mentioned already) if you love your current lifestyle and don't really want a baby very much to begin with, I think you would be at a high risk of post natal depression. Just keep that in mind if you decide to go ahead with this and seek out potential supports before you have the baby so that if pnd does happen you'll know where to turn to get help and support.