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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refused to collect DD from party tonight.

430 replies

BlueSkyBurningBright · 12/10/2018 19:32

DD is just 17, we live in London. She is going to a party tonight with school friends, about 1 mile away.

She has asked me to pick her up at 11.30. I said no, I am tired after a week at work, want to have some wine and a relaxing evening. I have offered to pay for an Uber for her. She says she feels unsafe in one and would rather walk. I have suggested that her boyfriend gets the Uber with her, drops her off at home and takes the Uber to his house, all on the family account.

She thinks I am being very unfair and uncaring. Apparently all her friends parents pick them up from parties, so she will ask one of them to bring her home. I feel that I am being manipulated, and previously 11.30 has been extended to midnight and beyond.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 12/10/2018 22:51

Distance we were discussing Ubers.

There was a discussion further upthread in which people pointed out that she didn't need to get an Uber, there are still other taxi options. And the OP told her daughter to get a cab.

mum11970 · 12/10/2018 22:51

Gees if we picked dd (17) up every time she went to a party we’d be doing it every week. Dh dropped her and her friends off earlier but they’ll make their own way home, more than likely with one of their other friends who isn’t out partying.

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:52

If a cab driver wants to sexually assault you it doesn't matter how old you are

I thought we just spent an hour saying that its perfectly safe to get a cab?

GreenLantern53 · 12/10/2018 22:57

Laughing at some of these comments

I lived alone at 16! My mum never picked me up from anywhere as she didn't drive. Not that she would have if she did!

theworldistoosmall · 12/10/2018 23:05

Ah but Green, do you now have a 16-year-old? This seems to be an important thing for some people on here.

pallisers · 12/10/2018 23:05

Nothing you did as a 17 year old made you more vulnerable. It wasn't something you did.

nothing you did as a 17 year old makes it your fault but as you get older you gain experience and that can make you less vulnerable. Being vulnerable doesn't make it your fault - nothing does. But the older I got the less I cared about making a fuss in social situations, the more I was likely to cause a scene so as to get out of a dangerous situation (no I am not getting in that car with you) and the more likely I was to be hyper aware of my surroundings. I have a 17 year old dd and she is lovely and somewhat streetwise but still much more naive than I am - why would she be like me - I gained this experience over the course of my life.

I'm amused at the people who say "well if you don't teach them to be streetwise at 17, it will all go to hell in handbasket when they go off to college at 18". no. They will learn at 18 what you want them to learn at 17. And why is 17 ok to be on your own. Why not 16? Why not 15?

I've been thinking a lot about this recently because there is such a strong opinion on MN saying younger/mid and especially older teens mustn't be mollycoddled and must be left to fend for themselves. That is not how I am. Within reason, I drive my teens places or give them my car the same as I would dh. I like to cook for them and like to make life easier for them. I don't think I am teaching them to be mollycoddled freeloaders. I think I am teaching them that when you love people, when they are your family, when they are your community or maybe just people in your country, you are kind to them. DD recently went off to university (age 18, mollycoddled and has always been picked up by us - luckily the sky hasn't fallen in - she is having a great time). The day we moved her in, her siblings came too. Her brother got up at 6.30 on a saturday having been up at that time all week because he is doing a work placement at the moment. her sister gets up at 6 every morning for school - she cheerfully got up too. They did it because he knew she was really nervous and wanted us there. They can figure out how to cook a dinner for 5 people every night and run a house later in life, like I did. The most important thing I can teach them is kindness and treating people well.

But none of this has anything to do with the OP - I thought the OP's solution was fine. Wonder if something is up with the boyfriend/relationship that she is so weirdly resistant to an uber with him.

GreenLantern53 · 12/10/2018 23:07

No I don't have a 17 year old that doesn't mean I can't have an opinion. Confused

theworldistoosmall · 12/10/2018 23:08

If there was something wrong with the boyfriend and/or Uber then the DD should have said something rather than trying to emotionally blackmail her mum by insisting she would walk home instead.

EdWinchester · 12/10/2018 23:12

We have a 16 year old.

He's going to a 'gathering' (as they call them) tomorrow night. I wouldn't dream of telling him to get an uber. One of us will pick him up.

Butterymuffin · 12/10/2018 23:19

Has anyone pointed out yet (I've read some pages of the thread but not every single one) that the daughter's dad never does any pick ups? She always comes back to her mum's from a night out even on a weekend she's staying at her dad's. I'mguessing she knows dad won't provide a pick up service. So is it ok for dad to slack off while we're berating mum for wanting a glass of wine for once?

ivegotflowersinthespring · 12/10/2018 23:23

sorry but I don't think picking a 17 year old daughter up from a party at 11.30pm in London is molly coddling and making her unable to cope later in life....
I agree the Dad should do it though - even if he picked her up and dropped her at Mum's (if for some reason DD doesn't like staying at Dad's)

jasjas1973 · 12/10/2018 23:23

My 17yo daughter never took a cab on her own, late at night, she and her friends always ride together and take it in turns to stay over at the parents house.
This isn't something any parent has insisted on, its just what they've decided to do, as one said to me "i don't want to end up in a ditch"

Maybe we live in a rough part of Cornwall ? lol!

Mrskeats · 12/10/2018 23:24

Totally with you pallisers. There’s a competition on here to see who can do the least for their teens.
Recently we’ve had not paying for petrol to get to college, not cooking or doing laundry for them. I find it bizarre.

theworldistoosmall · 12/10/2018 23:24

Yes I pointed that out as a third option for the dd. But it was ignored along with the question I asked - If op had plans to go out tonight should she cancel to collect the DD.

A580Hojas · 12/10/2018 23:28

I have a London 17 year old. Quite frankly, in the light of what some of her peers get up to, I'm delighted that she wants to be picked up from parties before midnight. I like wine as much as the next person but really it isn't a hardship not to drink for this reason?

OftenHangry · 12/10/2018 23:30

Stick to your guns. You have offered amazing alternatives compare to my parents 😂
I have a "cousin". Fresh 18. She CAN'T do anything by herself. She actually doesn't want to. She calls her parents saying she is lost just so they pick her up. And they do!
Please, don't let your child be dependent on you too much. It's not good for her in a future.
But do make sure she is as safe as possible, which is what you have done by offering uber for her and bf.

tinstar · 12/10/2018 23:40

I'd pick up.

I'd also stay sober in the event of a 'getting drunk and falling out with boyfriend' scenario.

My dcs are late teens/early 20s. Being generous with lifts in no way rendered them incapable of going out and about at university. I know DH hasn't come to bed yet in case ds wants a lift home. DS has done the same for me when I've been out. We just like helping each other.

BlackForestCake · 12/10/2018 23:51

One mile? Doesn't she have a bike?

Petitepamplemousse · 12/10/2018 23:55

So a lot of you think it’s wrong to pay for a taxi rather than pick your kids up... yet those same 17 year olds will be going to university in a year. Really?!

theworldistoosmall · 12/10/2018 23:55

What happens when you as parents go on holidays and leave these older teens/young adult at home? Do they stay in for the week or two?

BrownPaperTeddy · 12/10/2018 23:59

We always picked our daughter up, and everyone else too as their parents were happy with letting them make their own way home at all hours.

I would never say no and she always knew that she could phone at anytime for any reason and we would pick her up.

MemoryOfSleep · 12/10/2018 23:59

Its not a competition to see just how much contempt you can treat your own teenager with

Wow, getting someone an uber and offering to pay for them and their boyfriend is contempt? It's a different parenting style from yours, yes, but I don't think such blatant hyperbole is warranted.

Weenurse · 13/10/2018 00:18

Ours always made their own way home from the age of 16. It did mean we would often find extra bodies in the house the next morning as they brought friends home too.

mamapud · 13/10/2018 00:26

They are 17 not 7 will they call you to pick them up from a night out when they are at uni next year? We wonder why we have a country full of snowflakes it's because parents treat them like small children and don't let them out in the big world to fend for themselves.

pallisers · 13/10/2018 00:27

I lived alone at 16!

I'm sure - well I hope - it worked out great for you. But this would be the last thing I would want for my 16 year old - and the last thing any of my 16 year olds wanted. It is not a standard I measure my teens or my parenting against and find myself wanting. If my 16 year old was living on her own, frankly, I would be very worried about what went wrong in our family.