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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refused to collect DD from party tonight.

430 replies

BlueSkyBurningBright · 12/10/2018 19:32

DD is just 17, we live in London. She is going to a party tonight with school friends, about 1 mile away.

She has asked me to pick her up at 11.30. I said no, I am tired after a week at work, want to have some wine and a relaxing evening. I have offered to pay for an Uber for her. She says she feels unsafe in one and would rather walk. I have suggested that her boyfriend gets the Uber with her, drops her off at home and takes the Uber to his house, all on the family account.

She thinks I am being very unfair and uncaring. Apparently all her friends parents pick them up from parties, so she will ask one of them to bring her home. I feel that I am being manipulated, and previously 11.30 has been extended to midnight and beyond.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lilseb · 12/10/2018 22:21

YANBU - if she's old enough to go to parties and stay out late, she's old enough to travel by herself. If she's that worried, you can go give her a lift at a time that suits you.

If she's truly worried about being unsafe, make sure she's using the GPS setting on uber so she can send out her location and people can see where she is.

I wouldn't go as far to say she's entitled - ultimately she should be responsible over her own safety - but she's old enough to understand how this affects you and to see that it's unreasonable to expect you to taxi drive for her when you don't want to. There are stories on pretty much every taxi ranks in cities about assault, but realistically that is a very small proportion of journeys made and it is going to be very unlikely that your daughter is is any serious danger. Otherwise, why would anyone use a taxi, ever? The danger isn't waived regardless of whether your 17 and living at home, compared to being 18 and living a university/away and regularly getting taxis home from nights out. The danger is further waived if she is travelling with her boyfriend/another friend.

(I also share the surprise from other posters that wants you to pick her up!!)

gamerwidow · 12/10/2018 22:23

fwiw my DD is only 8 but we have just put an offer in on a house in the centre of our town where all the bus routes run from. I considered going semi rural but I do not want to be ferrying her around when she is a teenager. Kids need to learn independence, I was a much loved child but I did not have my parents driving me about of a weekend when I was 16/17. I took myself out on public transport and I want DD to have the same responsibility and freedom.

PippaRabbit · 12/10/2018 22:24

@buscaution I completely agree. I'd love to see a zero tolerance for drink driving brought in. My brother and 2 nieces were killed 10 years by a driver who had been drinking but wasn't over the limit. The driver was only barely under the drink driving limit.

Cobrider · 12/10/2018 22:24

There has been no significant change in the prevalence of sexual assault measured by the CSEW between the year ending March 2005 (2.6%) and the year ending March 2017 (2.0%) surveys

AlecTrevelyan006 · 12/10/2018 22:25

I would pick her up - and have done do in lots of similar situations

My daughter is 19 now and after failing her driving test for the third time she said to me that felt because i always pick her up (she often finishes work 11-11.30pm). I told it was fine because I enjoy our little chats along the way and I’ll miss them when she can drive herself.

Obviously, I was secretly screaming inside FFS for the love of God can you please pass your bloody driving test so that I can have a night off???!!! In the meantime I’ll continue to pick her up from or, if she manages to catch the last bus home i walk up to the top of our road and meet her there at midnight and we walk the 400yards home together.

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:25

Its not a competition to see just how much contempt you can treat your own teenager with but if it was ElectricMonkey is in pole position at the moment.

Its like that Monty Python sketch about the Yorkshiremen, each one-upping each other - we've had people coming on saying "I was pregnant at 17!" . C'mon guys, keep hitting us up with tales of how your mum made you walk 25 miles without shoes on your own when you were 5 and it never did you any harm!

My family circumstances meant I had no choice but to make my way everywhere on my now from when I was 13 but its not a badge of honour I aspire to pin on my own kids FFS when I can simply drive a car and pick them up!

ElectricMonkey · 12/10/2018 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElectricMonkey · 12/10/2018 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SplishSplashSplosh · 12/10/2018 22:28

I would definitely be picking her up myself. Each and every time, regardless of the time.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 12/10/2018 22:30

Sometimes she goes out with mates and gets a cab home - but then I can never get to sleep until I hear her come home. Obviously at 19 she could be living away at university but while she’s still at home I’ll always pick her up if she asks

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:30

ElectricMonkey I couldn't answer your questions as they appeared in my feed literally a few seconds ago. Not sure who we can complain to about that. But anyway yes I was safer when I was older. A 17 year old is more of a "target" for people who are that way inclined.

My mum didn't pick me up as she was dead.

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:32

My family circumstances meant I had no choice but to make my way everywhere on my now from when I was 13 but its not a badge of honour I aspire to pin on my own kids FFS when I can simply drive a car and pick them up!

@Electric.

Crunchymum · 12/10/2018 22:32

Too young to make her own way home (given the options open to her especially) = too young to go to the party.

ElectricMonkey · 12/10/2018 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivegotflowersinthespring · 12/10/2018 22:35

why is her dd saying she would rather walk than get in an uber I wonder?
has she heard something that has scared her? I was followed home whilst walking from the station at 11.30pm the other week and I am MUCH MUCH older than dd. I was on my own and I did think to myself, why on earth did i do this? I pretended to turn into a driveway and hid behind a car till they had gone.

DistanceCall · 12/10/2018 22:35

Reputable cab companies do exist what does this even mean?

Means companies where you can pre-book and get the cab driver's licence number, and with a history of caring about safety.

In London, this means basically black cabs.

www.the-london-taxi.com/why_use_a_london_taxi

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:40

Why was I safer when older? Well, I suppose I was not so shy, more confident, would have sat in the back, looked for ways to escape, given the impression that someone was waiting for me, used spidey senses - lots of things I had learned by then (although when I was 24 it was still the time when not everyone had mobile phones, and not all cars had central locking).

Are you going somewhere with this or just trying to find something to argue about?!

SchoolPanicTime · 12/10/2018 22:41

I'm not sure why everyone is obsessing with the risk of getting an uber (with her boyfriend not even alone) yet ignores the fact that many young women get assaulted by someone they know in an environment like a party where people are drinking.

gamerwidow · 12/10/2018 22:41

why is her dd saying she would rather walk than get in an uber I wonder?
Because she knows her mum doesn't want her to talk home and she is trying to emotionally blackmail into picking her up.

theworldistoosmall · 12/10/2018 22:42

Maybe this got lost...

If the op had plans to go out tonight, should she cancel to collect her dd from the party?

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:42

Distance we were discussing Ubers. I don't think the OP was going to suggest a black cab. And yes I would say black cabs are safer, but I thought that was stating the obvious.

The reason why I asked you "what does this even mean" is that your comment was just meaningless in the context of what the OP was proposing.

gamerwidow · 12/10/2018 22:46

Why was I safer when older? Well, I suppose I was not so shy, more confident, would have sat in the back, looked for ways to escape, given the impression that someone was waiting for me, used spidey senses - lots of things I had learned by then (although when I was 24 it was still the time when not everyone had mobile phones, and not all cars had central locking).

You wouldn't have been safer, that's the point. If a cab driver wants to sexually assault you it doesn't matter how old you are. Nothing you did as a 17 year old made you more vulnerable. It wasn't something you did.

DeadButDelicious · 12/10/2018 22:47

My daughter is almost 2, so I'm a way off teenagers just yet but I certainly remember being a 'just 17' year old girl 20 years ago and in the thick of being 16/17 I didn't want my parents picking me up, I wanted to stay out all night and do as I pleased, I don't think I ever thought about how I would get home, I was a bit of a twat to be honest. Your daughter wants you to get her. I'd pick her up.

NorthernLurker · 12/10/2018 22:47

I would have picked her up. Being there for my kids - including at 11.30pm when I'd rather be in bed is important to me.

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:48

Anyway, I am sure the OP's DD will be home safe soon. I have to turn in now as I have to give my DD a lift early tomorrow. 2 hours each way and I am so glad she wants me to be with her - as a poster above (again ignored) said "I told it was fine because I enjoy our little chats along the way and I’ll miss them when she can drive herself."