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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refused to collect DD from party tonight.

430 replies

BlueSkyBurningBright · 12/10/2018 19:32

DD is just 17, we live in London. She is going to a party tonight with school friends, about 1 mile away.

She has asked me to pick her up at 11.30. I said no, I am tired after a week at work, want to have some wine and a relaxing evening. I have offered to pay for an Uber for her. She says she feels unsafe in one and would rather walk. I have suggested that her boyfriend gets the Uber with her, drops her off at home and takes the Uber to his house, all on the family account.

She thinks I am being very unfair and uncaring. Apparently all her friends parents pick them up from parties, so she will ask one of them to bring her home. I feel that I am being manipulated, and previously 11.30 has been extended to midnight and beyond.

AIBU?

OP posts:
pallisers · 13/10/2018 00:28

We wonder why we have a country full of snowflakes

Do you? never realised that. Is that a big social problem in the UK now?

LividAtDolphins · 13/10/2018 00:51

So a lot of you think it’s wrong to pay for a taxi rather than pick your kids up... yet those same 17 year olds will be going to university in a year. Really?!

TBF, even at uni (and beyond) I always shared cabs with friends. Almost never took one alone.

spacefighter · 13/10/2018 00:56

I would not be picking my children up at 17 they are practically adults! I was going out to the pub at 16 and always managed to get home ok. It's a mile from home ffs, I'm sure she was fine.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/10/2018 07:19

Oh dear big scary London has been mentioned again Grin.

My 17 year old DD was out last night (pub, south London), she managed to make her way home (uber). Me and DH picked up at 15/16 but we're not spending every weekend doing that now. She's out all the time! Our weekends would literally be on hold to fit around her plans.

Obv if it was a particularly tricky journey we would but not run of the mill nights out. They need to be more independent at 17.

My DD organised a meal out for her 17th birthday, group WhatsApp etc. I had a mum texting me the day before asking for full details ..... I replied I didn't know the full details as DD was organising it. This mum kept on texting and finally said "I will pick him up at 11pm regardless of the finish time as he has work at 9am on Saturday" ShockGrin. The poor lad.

ElectricMonkey · 13/10/2018 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyLux · 13/10/2018 07:30

I always picked my daughter up from wherever she wanted. She always knew that no matter what or where, I'd collect her - no questions asked.

She's turned into a pretty amazingly competent 27 year old community nurse. And I'd still collect her from anywhere at any time if she needed me to.

Shampooeeee · 13/10/2018 07:37

I haven’t rtft so apologies if this has already been suggested.
You could take an Uber to pick her up. That way she doesn’t have to worry about being alone with a dodgy driver and you still get to drink wine.
Personally I don’t use Uber, I would rather use a reputable cab firm. When I was 17 I often got cabs alone but always from a specific company I trusted. My mum also picked me up fairly often, if it was before midnight. It was a good balance of independence and knowing my mum would look after me if needed.

Rachie1973 · 13/10/2018 07:48

Our youngest is 16. She’s the youngest of 6.

I don’t drive so never picked them up. DH would be sent to collect from a rural party with no transport links but other than that part of the planning was getting home.

Thisreallyisafarce · 13/10/2018 07:48

A teenager is going to want to go out every week; should the OP be forced to stay up until midnight each and every week, never have an early night? How ridiculous.

Unfinishedkitchen · 13/10/2018 07:50

It’s a mile away, not 100 Miles and she’s 17 not 7. There’s many ways she could’ve gotten home.

17 year olds are out every weekend, you’d literally have to be ready to pick them up every Friday and Saturday. Do the people always on standby with car keys in hand not have their own lives? I work all week, there is no way I’m staying in/staying up every weekend to ferry around 17 year olds who are out one mile away. Occasionally yes and if further away but she’s up the road.

AJPTaylor · 13/10/2018 08:08

It was at 17 i stopped being a taxi service.
Most girls share a cab to the nearest house and sleep over dont though?
Thats what mine told me and i chose to beleive them. Grin

Gaspodethetalkingdog · 13/10/2018 08:17

She should Get a black cab, I would never use Uber

Rubberduckies · 13/10/2018 08:25

Interesting to read the different views on here. How did she get home in the end OP?

Some people said that they just give their teenagers the same respect as the rest of the family, and this is why they pick up. This didn't really get discussed in the thread last night, but I would not routinely pick up my husband after my bedtime if he went out somewhere I wasn't invited. Or my Mum. Or Sister. Mostly I'd expect that they'd organise a lift, or a taxi, stayed over or drove themselves. I'd do it sometimes if there were no other options, and it was planned in advance. But the OP said she does this sometimes too.

I think OP was more than reasonable and seems to have a good balance of helping her daughter to learn to plan ahead and problem solve, and also pick up sometimes when she can.

petitepeach · 13/10/2018 08:32

One of us always picks up my teen DD, or we lift share with another parent. Unless there is a group going back to the same place they may get an Uber....
I would always pick her up.... yes I may miss out on a glass of wine but my daughter will always come first, she isn’t entitled she wants her mum to pick her up?
People look at things differently but I have never really forgiven my dad for never dropping or picking me up... going to the pub was always more important. It made me feel embarrassed as we lived in a village.... I had to scrounge a lift etc.... made me feel unloved really as other parents did it automatically. As someone said above I will always pick my DD’s up if I possibly can.

Original poster
BlueSkyBurningBright · 13/10/2018 08:34

She is home safe and sound and fast asleep. She got a lift home from one of the other parents that picked up. As I have at other parties. It is fairly standard to pick up and then find that there are another 2 or 3 that want a lift too, I always oblige. She got home about 12.30.

I went to bed before 11 and woke when I heard her come in.

I see that I am still being berated for wanting to drink, I wanted to sleep more. I would happily have gone without wine, but I did not think I would still be awake at 11.30 or gone midnight as I knew it would end up being.

It is difficult deciding when they should be more independent and balance that with our own life.

OP posts:
Shockers · 13/10/2018 08:42

Could you speak to the parents of her friends and arrange to take it in turns in future? That way, you’ll not have to go through this every time she has a party, you’ll be able to have 3 nights off out of 4, and it’s cheaper than taking Ubers.

Mitsouko67 · 13/10/2018 08:59

Growing up my dad always said call anytime for a lift even 2 in the morning. I don't drive but I encourage my husband to collect our daughter. She asked to be collected at midnight last night. I'm pleased she wanted to be collected and hubby did. He will drop her to the library this morning. She's 18 in last year of school.she was wearing hardly anything!

Original poster
BlueSkyBurningBright · 13/10/2018 08:59

Could you speak to the parents of her friends and arrange to take it in turns in future?

I don't know the parents of all the group, and it is not always the same people. I also find that sometimes they all live within 2 mins walking of the party and she is the only one that lives 1 mile away. I do usually pick up then.

I am just feeling that I should not be managing my social (sleep time) life around her going out, when she could get a cab home. The boys did that at her age. But I do appreciate the safety aspect too and am conscious that she needs to feel safe and happy with the arrangements.

So I guess until she feels comfortable with a taxi it will be me or other parents.

OP posts:
Thisreallyisafarce · 13/10/2018 09:02

My view is if she isn't old enough to behave like an adult (book a registered cab for a certain time and get into it) then gone midnight is too late for her to be coming in. I would offer a lift at 9, but not automatically if she wanted to be out later. I need to sleep as well.

Original poster
BlueSkyBurningBright · 13/10/2018 09:03

You could take an Uber to pick her up. That way she doesn’t have to worry about being alone with a dodgy driver and you still get to drink wine.

I have done this when the car was in the garage and she had gone to a party. The issue last night however was that I wanted to go to bed.

OP posts:
PhilomenaButterfly · 13/10/2018 09:05

Shampooeeee that wouldn't have solved the problem. The OP wanted to go to bed. I'm not even awake at 11.30.

Everyoneiswingingit · 13/10/2018 09:07

DD will be at uni this time next year. I won't be able to collect her then. I'm preparing her for getting home safely without me by getting her confidently using taxis now.

Wetdressinggownsleeve · 13/10/2018 09:14

If your 17 year old is such a timid person that she can't get into a taxi with her boyfriend at night, she probably needs to stop going to out until she can.

That's harsh I know, but it's a reflection of their generation and it's worrying.

If she was alone I would see it differently and probably say pick her up, if it's agreed beforehand.

LL83 · 13/10/2018 09:19

YANBU as you said she will be at uni next year she needs to learn to manage these things alone. You were helpful in paying for her and boyfriend.

ShowersofShit · 13/10/2018 09:22

My parents always made it very clear that they would pick me up from anywhere at any time, no questions asked. It was excellent parenting IMO. I didn't take the piss. They even extended the offer to my friends and once took a 90 minute detour simply to take one of them safely home. They never moaned to me about it and it left me with a sense of real security, care and responsibility. I've just recently said the exact same thing to my children. I want them to know that I am there for them and that their needs and safety are paramount in my life.
Sorry OP - I judge poorly your inhability to forgo alcohol for one night to help your daughter feel safe.