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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refused to collect DD from party tonight.

430 replies

BlueSkyBurningBright · 12/10/2018 19:32

DD is just 17, we live in London. She is going to a party tonight with school friends, about 1 mile away.

She has asked me to pick her up at 11.30. I said no, I am tired after a week at work, want to have some wine and a relaxing evening. I have offered to pay for an Uber for her. She says she feels unsafe in one and would rather walk. I have suggested that her boyfriend gets the Uber with her, drops her off at home and takes the Uber to his house, all on the family account.

She thinks I am being very unfair and uncaring. Apparently all her friends parents pick them up from parties, so she will ask one of them to bring her home. I feel that I am being manipulated, and previously 11.30 has been extended to midnight and beyond.

AIBU?

OP posts:
carr1e1977 · 12/10/2018 22:04

17 is old enough to live by herself, so surely is old enough to get herself home! Paying for an uber is more than generous.

Bouledeneige · 12/10/2018 22:05

Well since our job as parents is to make our kids independent I think OP did fine - plenty of options offered there. I live in London too. My kids (18 and 16) wouldn't dream of being picked up unless there was no other way of getting home. They walk, get buses, and very rarely an uber (like twice). And maybe 3 or 4 times pick up by car if there was no other alternative.

I cant think how kids who have been driven everywhere will cope without their Mums when they go to college. At 17!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 12/10/2018 22:05

I bet she’d be happy walking home or taking a cab if she’d been somewhere mum didn’t know about.

I think it’s fair for her to get a cab. I think it’s fair for her to get a bus. I even think it’s fair to walk if she’s not alone and you live in a reasonable area.

Karmin · 12/10/2018 22:06

@buscaution I copied and pasted the law in the UK.

I do not live in a zero tolerance country, the law is set for a reason, same as speed limits.

A small glass of wine is well within the legal limits of the UK

Yes, it is only a mile, and if I was making a risk assessment on this I would put it in the low risk. Much less than an accompanied female child (as under 18) getting an uber.

I am not suggesting she get drunk, I am not suggesting she drinks much, but a small glass would be acceptable, in my opinion. It is another legal option.

You sound as if you would prefer zero tolerance on this, which is fine. I am really not sure why you feel unable to disagree in a civil manner.

By all means, speak to the government and petition for change. But until it is illegal it is not a 'dick move'

specialsubject · 12/10/2018 22:09

A mile in London. jeez. Dozens of cab companies and lots of public transport. Molly coddle can get home.

woodlands01 · 12/10/2018 22:09

but then I'd not drink anyway in case something happened

This - as a Mum of 2 teens (and one is 17) if they are out late at a party, local fair or staying over at some-ones house I actually do not drink in case something happens and I need to go and get them (or help out one of their friends).

However, we are very rural and they are often 10 or more miles away. I'm unsure if I would do the same with a sensible 17 year old at a party a mile away. I like to think I would do my own thing as I did think I'd get my life back when they were older. However, I've heard too many horror stories - I think I'd prefer to be able to drive.

PippaRabbit · 12/10/2018 22:09

Mine all drove at 17 so this wasn't an issue BUT I'd have stayed sober and gone to collect them if they didn't drive. We live very rurally though and über or taxis aren't an option. Ensuring my children were home safe far outweighed a glass of wine and we have have a zero alcohol and driving rule in our house.

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:10

Its not a competition to see just how much contempt you can treat your own teenager with

I think I'll just keep cutting and pasting that. Yes of course anyone in their right mind knows that at some point a 17 year old is going to have to get themselves from A to B, but its the way that the OP and other posters have described their own attitudes to being asked for or having to give lifts. Its those who are refusing who think they are somehow the cool parents.

Again, I notice various posters saying that Ubers or taxis are not always safe and being ignored. I was attacked by a taxi driver when I was 17, in the 70s, I thought I was lucky I wasn't raped and put it down to experience. I've had uncomfortable experiences in mini cabs etc throughout my life and I bet many women on here have. Maybe all 17 year old girls should have that opportunity eh? That'll learn 'em.

buscaution · 12/10/2018 22:11

I am really not sure why you feel unable to disagree in a civil manner

I'm saying drinking and driving is a dick of a thing to do. Which it is.

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:12

BTW yes to those saying public transport in London as it is likely to be busy on buses and trains etc. Much safer than a taxi or uber.

DistanceCall · 12/10/2018 22:13

I've had uncomfortable experiences in mini cabs etc throughout my life and I bet many women on here have. .

Reputable cab companies do exist. And the OP offered to pay for her boyfriend to ride along with her.

YeOldeTrout · 12/10/2018 22:13

I'd probably walk there & back to escort her home. It's 40 minutes & I could use the exercise.

Mrskeats · 12/10/2018 22:14

I would get her. It only takes a few mins to drive a mile.
Seems a lot of fuss over it. I would just say an earlier time if I was tired.

PippaRabbit · 12/10/2018 22:16

I cant think how kids who have been driven everywhere will cope without their Mums when they go to college. At 17!

All of mine coped very well - they were independent, drove and had their own cars. If they were going to a party then one of us collected them. You don't stop collecting your children when they turn 17 for goodness sake!

Elephant14 · 12/10/2018 22:16

Reputable cab companies do exist what does this even mean? That people who have bad experiences in cabs have themselves to blame as they didn't use one that was reputable?!

Do you think dodgy drivers immediately dash off and say "Aha!! I shall shun Reputable Cabs and immediately put my name down to drive with Rapey Cars?" Hmm

The issue is being alone as a young female where you cannot be seen or heard! That's where the risk lies, that's why I said public transport in London is safer.

gamerwidow · 12/10/2018 22:17

Leave her she'll be fine at that age I was going to clubs in London and getting a night bus home.

butterfly56 · 12/10/2018 22:17

YADNBU OP!
You have as much right to a quiet night in having an early night after working hard all week even more so than your DD...no matter how busy/full her social diary happens to be!!
Stick to your guns OP and tell her no more lifts home on Friday and /or Saturday nights.

Mrskeats · 12/10/2018 22:18

It seems a lot more exhausting to be endlessly debating on here than to drive a mile.

ElectricMonkey · 12/10/2018 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerwidow · 12/10/2018 22:20

It's not about driving the mile its about OP wanting to relax and have a glass or two of wine rather than sitting around waiting to pick her DD up.

Cobrider · 12/10/2018 22:20

Its those who are refusing who think they are somehow the cool parents

No, it’s you thinking that you are some sort of parenting guru who thinks that being a martyr makes you a better parent.
I repeat, some of us have three or more teenagers and work or maybe would like a Friday night off. Your hysteria about perceived risks which you tout as fact because of some daily mail headline does not mean that it’s inherently more risky than crossing a busy road in suburbia.

If I could be bothered to trawl through the statistics and bring them back to the thread, I am pretty confident that being attacked by a taxi driver is an extremely low risk. Particularly as it was suggested to pre book a cab company that is not Uber.

You go on parading what a fabulous parent you are though.

Mrskeats · 12/10/2018 22:20

uk.businessinsider.com/uber-drivers-convicted-of-almost-half-of-the-sex-offences-in-london-cabs-2017-11?r=US&IR=T
Yes this is all a storm in a teacup butterfly

ElectricMonkey · 12/10/2018 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchoolPanicTime · 12/10/2018 22:21

Elephant14

Massive straw man there. No one is saying they don't care if DD is attacked in a taxi. they're saying that getting an uber with her boyfriend is perfectly safe. Walking a mile home with her boyfriend would be safe. Arranging a lift share with a friend would be safe. In a years time she'll probably be in another city at university. Now is a very good time to start working out how to get around at night without relying on your parents.

As an adult we all manage to go out on nights out and get home without getting parents to drive us around. I'm sure a 17 year is more than capable of managing one mile trip.

Caring for your child doesn't always involve doing everything for them.

Ontheboardwalk · 12/10/2018 22:21

Ah her boyfriend is at the party with her. Surely they have a responsibility to each other to get each other home safely after a night out, especially when they got free Uber rides. It’s not Bluesky concern this night

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