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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refused to collect DD from party tonight.

430 replies

BlueSkyBurningBright · 12/10/2018 19:32

DD is just 17, we live in London. She is going to a party tonight with school friends, about 1 mile away.

She has asked me to pick her up at 11.30. I said no, I am tired after a week at work, want to have some wine and a relaxing evening. I have offered to pay for an Uber for her. She says she feels unsafe in one and would rather walk. I have suggested that her boyfriend gets the Uber with her, drops her off at home and takes the Uber to his house, all on the family account.

She thinks I am being very unfair and uncaring. Apparently all her friends parents pick them up from parties, so she will ask one of them to bring her home. I feel that I am being manipulated, and previously 11.30 has been extended to midnight and beyond.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Everyoneiswingingit · 13/10/2018 09:28

Shower My DD knows that she could call if she absolutely needed to. That's different to expecting lifts every week and not making mature plans for getting home.

itbemay · 13/10/2018 09:29

I have an 18yo who regularly asks for lifts, I also say no for your reasons, she gets a cab... not an Uber though but a local mini cab. YANBU

Unfinishedkitchen · 13/10/2018 09:38

Don’t listen to ShowerofShit OP. She’s clearly showering in that much shit that it’s coming out of her mouth now!

You shouldn’t be judged as a grown woman for wanting a glass of wine and an early night after a long week. You offered to pay for your 17 year daughter AND her accompanying boyfriend to get a cab a mile up the road. You didn’t tell your 14 daughter to walk home alone from the next city whilst you knocked back a 6 pack of special brew.

Some people think that martyring themselves makes them a better parent. I don’t, you have given her and her friends lifts before, gave her sensible options, were not neglectful and do not look like you have a drink problem as was implied by talking shit above.

There are times when I would give a 17 year a lift, however, it wouldn’t be a regular occurrence. I also have a life and will not tell my DD to expect me to jump in the car every Friday and Saturday night. If we lived rurally then that would be different as it wouldn’t be her fault she can’t easily get around. However, she lives in London, a 24hr city where the options to get home are plentiful. She was also accompanied by a male, so was at less risk, even if they both walked home. It was one mile.

LoniceraJaponica · 13/10/2018 09:39

I see that he MN "my child is 18 and an adult, thinks and behaves like an adult and needs no more input or support from me" or in this case nearly an adult brigade are out in force Hmm

Perhaps they might consider that not all 17 year olds are the same. Not all of them are self assured and confident. I was, but I don't assume that every teenager is like I was at that age.

We live rurally so cabs are not readily available or cheap. If DD goes out in town she usually has the friends she goes out with stay over and they share a cab between them.

BarbarianMum · 13/10/2018 09:42

It doesnt say much for the character of a 17 year old that they'd expect their tired parents to do without sleep they need to facilitate their social lives. Occasional lifts are one thing, clicking your fingers of a Friday and saying "lift tonight mum, ok" is another.

Unfinishedkitchen · 13/10/2018 09:44

And then you have other PPs saying they don’t drive but hassle their DHs in to being taxi drivers. If I was the DH, I’d be giving DW the number of the local driving school!

Everyoneiswingingit · 13/10/2018 09:47

Some people think that martyring themselves makes them a better parent

Totally agree. I know of parents like this. I know one mum who said to me when I offered to share lifts to lighten the load, "Oh I just get told where to go and I go." I thought MUG and terrible example to her DD.

LoniceraJaponica · 13/10/2018 09:49

If DD was going to a party a mile away with her boyfriend I would expect them to walk back home. Our circumstances are very different to living in a city.

southnownorth · 13/10/2018 09:52

Biscuit showersofshit

I don't drive. If my dd wants to stay out late she gets a taxi or bus. She is 16 and more than capable of getting her self places.

Don't feel guilty OP for wanting some wine and an early night on a Friday FFS.

gamerwidow · 13/10/2018 09:54

It’s not like teenagers go out once I a blue moon either. I wouldn’t mind putting myself out for an occasional event but I won’t be doing it every week when DD is that age.

Hunlife · 13/10/2018 09:55

Missing the point of the thread but I must be the only person in the south east to have never taken an Uber Confused I work in London and live just outside - there are other cabs and methods of transport available

EsmereldaWasRight · 13/10/2018 09:56

Only read the first page but.. She's a mile away! She should bloody well walk!

gamerwidow · 13/10/2018 09:57

True I’ve lived in SE London for 43 years and I’ve taken an Uber once. There are loads of other options.

penisbeakers · 13/10/2018 09:57

She's being an over dramatic brat.

PillowOfSociety · 13/10/2018 10:01

Glad it worked out OP.

I have a just 17 yo, None of the teens round here (S London) have been picked up from parties since...Well whenever, really. They get the bus (together) get an Uber (also together and they know to have a friend wave you off having taken a pic) or they walk (up to a mile / mile and a half) together.

One of the advantages of London for young people is the availability of (free) public transport and the sheer busy - ness of the streets at night. It is very safe and ALL the teens I know are very self sufficient.

I don’t go to sleep until I know mine are in, though.

BarbarianMum · 13/10/2018 10:03

Oh and what my dad told me was that I could ring him any time for a lift if I didn't have a safe way to get home. The expectation was I'd try and arrange a safe way but he was always there as a back up.

YouTheCat · 13/10/2018 10:03

How will these kids cope when they leave home? Or will they still be phoning every weekend for a lift?

I don't drive. Dd is 23 and has had to sort herself out regarding getting home since she started having a social life (about 15ish).

PillowOfSociety · 13/10/2018 10:05

“to help your daughter feel safe.”

Oh please. As I say I have never once picked mine up from parties, but they all know without question that should they be in any kind of trouble, predicament or doubt they could call and my help would be unconditional.

Shampooeeee · 13/10/2018 10:08

I have done this when the car was in the garage and she had gone to a party. The issue last night however was that I wanted to go to bed.

Fair enough. I read the OP as you being tired after a week of work and responsibilities so you wanted to relax and drink wine. I didn’t realise you wanted to go to bed early.

PhilomenaButterfly · 13/10/2018 10:11

X post BlueSky

diddl · 13/10/2018 10:19

I think that if you are regularly ferrying her about then the time to not pick up is surely when she is only a mile away with her boyfriend & there is the chance of a lift with another parent/public transport/uber/walk?

JoeyJoeyJo · 13/10/2018 10:21

I'm really quite staggered that walking home isn't an option for her. I've never lived in London, but is it really that desperately unsafe? I grew up in Belfast, went to uni in Edinburgh, and now live in Belfast again. It would never, ever have occurred to me to do anything other than walk home from somewhere a mile away. Especially if I was in the company of someone else.

There is a lot to be said for learning to walk confidently and purposely, and being aware of your surroundings. For PP who mentioned their sister calling them for a phone call on the way home, that's not a great idea, it makes you less aware of what is going on around you.

ArialAnna · 13/10/2018 10:24

Don't feel guilty OP. What you did was just fine. At 17 she needs to start standing on her own feet a bit, otherwise uni life is going to be a massive shock.

I bet some of these martyr parents on this thread are exactly like some of my work colleagues. They complain about the recently joined grads being unable to show any initiative, expecting to be spoon fed, blah blah blah. But you overhear them on the phone to their precious diddums in their late teens / early twenties and they are still completely facilitating their kids lives for them! They can't have it both ways.

LoniceraJaponica · 13/10/2018 10:28

DD does only go out once in a blue moon. Now, she never goes out Sad

SusanneLinder · 13/10/2018 10:35

I was a mum to 3 teenage daughters..I say was as 2 are grown up and married now. I have an almost 20 yr old left at home.
I occasionally offer to pick her up, but warn her beforehand if I am likely to be out ir having a drink, so would be unable to pick her up. She is out all the time, so not a chance that I am going to pick her up from everywhere.
Taxi firms here ( not Uber), text the person the make of car and registration number, so she forwards it to me or her dad. She also phones me when she is in a cab late at night, so I know she is ok. Often carries on chatting to me through the journey if she wishes.Or phones to let me know where she has arrived at her destination, if she is not coming home.
With these precautions, I don't see the need to physically get her. Teaching your girls to be street safe and take precautions makes them much more independent.

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