DD used the phrase "KYS" and has been suspended for 3 days?!

[olayjer]

DD is 13 and said sent the phrase "KYS" to a boy in her year after he sent her an email saying "type X into the school internet" (the X is the name of a porn star that wouldn't seem like a porn star name if you see what I mean). She replied "KYS" back on the same email. The school have said the boy will be punished for the initial email but he clearly hasn't been punished as much as DD has. 3 days exclusion!?

If someone burgles my house and I kill them I may well then be punished. I am no longer just a victim but also a perpetrator.

Unless you can show it was self defence (which I would argue is equivalent to what happened in OP's daughter's case) .

And even then, depends very much where you are.

But in your house burglary scenario, she didn't kill him.

What she did was go all "Home Alone" on him, and leave some pointy Christmas declarations out for him to stand on, and some gloop for him to slip on.

An immature, childish response, to a fairly serious and creepy initial act. But not lethal by any means.

Decorations 🙄

What she did was go all "Home Alone" on him, and leave some pointy Christmas declarations out for him to stand on, and some gloop for him to slip on.

LOL, I like that image.

I can imagine a girl thumping a boy over the head with a "joy to the world" sign Christmas declarations as weaponry!

I'm getting the sense though that even if he were also excluded for 3 days that some PP on here would argue that the DD does not deserve the same level of punishment. That she should be treated more leniently.

Absolutely! I’m not sure why that’s so hard to grasp. IMHO She should have been told that language was unacceptable even when harassed, and that a repeat would be treated seriously, but to do more would be excessive, and to exclude for 3 days is ‘off the scale’ draconian in the circumstances.

Brilliant Home Alone image!

The boy needs a proper bollocking for sexual harassment and bullying. The girl needs an advisory word about appropriate retaliation and awareness of suicide and mental health issues. The boy is the aggressor here and the girl's retaliation was 'self defence' for want of a better phrase.

I think being in a culture where you're excluded for standing up to sexual harassment (albeit with an inadvisable phrase) is more conducive to suicide and self harm than being told to drop dead when actively being on the wind up. Surely the boy would factor in that his being an arsehole to the girl might illicit a response? Isn't that what goady bully fuckers want, a rise out of their victim?

No, Teddy, it’s you who’s twisting the situation by comparing her response to killing somebody. FFS.

Whoever you’re talking about isn’t me
Indeed. The post I quoted and was replying to was by Verbeena

Yes, it was me.I am 100% with @YeTalkShiteHen on this one, that I have done no double standards on here at all.
I've said that they both need harsh punishment, as both behaved awfully.
One doesn't get a free pass and their behaviour minimising which saying someone should go kill themselves doesn't mean anything.
Yes it does.
Somebody emailing google porn links - crack down on, disgusting. Somebody replying the email go kill yourself, crack down on, disgusting.
School needs to take a hard line with both if they see that online exchange at school.
No double standards here.

Yy, marvellousnight.

I'm definitely going to spend the rest of my mat leave making inappropriate Christmas declarations for sale now 😂

Bottom line, one person broke the law by inciting a child to view pornography. One person used foul language - particularly inappropriate in this day and age, but not illegal. Both should receive a punishment fitting of their crime.

I'm not arguing that what she did was "equivalent to killing a burglar"nor even a Home Alone type response.

What I'm saying is that the comment that she is a victim is not entirely correct.

She was a victim and a perpetrator. Now whether her reaction to him was proportionate or not, we don't know because we don't have all of the facts.

Presumably the school do because they would have to investigate. And if the timeline is as the OP suggests ie that this happened yesterday and a punishment has already been given then, based on my experience, school has conducted an investigation, usually including interviewing witnesses, looked at the IT system and e mails and then decided that this is the correct punishment. The tarrif would be set in the school's behaviour policy. This suggests to me that there is more to this than we are being told.

When I've reviewed short term exclusions very few at my school were given immediately, unless there was unequivocal evidence and the punishment was non negotiable eg fighting or possibly found in possession of cigarettes.

That's why the OP needs to speak to the school. Make sure they followed due process, applied policy fairly etc.

Verbena, why do you think a 13 yo girl should be punished for not knowing the most acceptable way to respond to a boy sexually harassing her when she didn’t expect it?

Why do you think that in that moment of hurt, humiliation, distress (that he fully intended to cause her) she should have been able to deal in a calm, dispassionate way with the situation and have the boy’s feelings uppermost in her mind, and by not doing so she was culpable?

If the school insisted on a 3 day suspension for such an "offence" in these circumstances, I would let them know I was taking her to Alton Towers.

It’s more severe than foul language. Or it should be understood to be so given the mh situation for teens. In schools take a hardline.

It takes a lot to change what’s acceptable.

VerbeenaBeeks it seems a little heavy handed to treat the victim the same as the perpetrator.
If a boy grabbed my daughter's boob, and she kneed him in the balls, punched him in the face, and kicked him while he was down, no way would I expect her to get the same punishment - because she was responding to his attack.
Why should a girl be treated just as negatively for telling a boy being a nasty, sexually harassing perv to fuck off and die, as he is for sexually harassing her and provoking the whole situation in the first place?

I honestly cannot believe what I've just read there. You think these things are totally fine?It's the fact that they are commonplace, that kids think it's fine to say them that is causing the problems that we see.
What an absolutely toxic world our children are growing up in.

Jaw honestly dropped reading that too, @brownpaperteddy! You're not kidding, poisonous stuff like that is NEVER OK!! Just because it's online doesn't mean it's OK and therefore fine.
Unbelievable. If thats seen as fairr game language and ok to send to each other,there's no words. No wonder teens are having mental health crises. It's seriously fucked up.

No, Teddy, it’s you who’s twisting the situation by comparing her response to killing somebody. FFS.

Oh do me a favour.

Makes me laugh on here. People can post statements to twist a situation out of all recognition but if you dare to point that out by illustrating it with another amplified example that's taken literally.

You, and everyone else, know full well that I was not comparing anything with killing someone.

I am saying that not everyone is just a victim. Some victims also are guilty of wrong doing.

MarshaBradyo I notice you haven’t answered my question above about why a girl who doesn’t know the “correct” reaction to being ambushed by a sexual harasser deserves to be punished?

VerbeenaBeeks it seems a little heavy handed to treat the victim the same as the perpetrator.
If a boy grabbed my daughter's boob, and she kneed him in the balls, punched him in the face, and kicked him while he was down, no way would I expect her to get the same punishment - because she was responding to his attack.

And sadly, as a young teenager, probably the last point in her life where she'll be able physically repel a male aggressor so thoroughly. Unless she becomes some kind of martial arts expert.

Honestly, we all know that a girl telling a boy who linked a porn link to "KYS" isn't doing anything wrong. And if the boy was that fragile that it'd cause a suicide, maybe he shouldn't be sexually harassing his peers. This is ridiculous. In context, the OP's daughter was positively restrained.

Interesting that no one has answered my question about what else this girl is being exposed to whilst playing fortnite?

That her mum is allowing her to play.

Telling someone to go kill themselves IS wrong. Telling him to fuck off,, good, little sod would deserve being told that.
Telling someone to kill themselves IS NEVER OK.

And sadly, as a young teenager, probably the last point in her life where she'll be able physically repel a male aggressor so thoroughly.
Exactly Butchy, sadly. Honestly, I would encourage my daughter to beat the shit out of him, if she physically could. It would give him an amazing lesson in not objectifying girls, and empower her greatly. And if she got in trouble from the school, I'd take her out for a treat myself, actually. Because fuck being punished over boys who suddenly regret being assholes, because they got the consequences they deserve.