DD used the phrase "KYS" and has been suspended for 3 days?!

[olayjer]

DD is 13 and said sent the phrase "KYS" to a boy in her year after he sent her an email saying "type X into the school internet" (the X is the name of a porn star that wouldn't seem like a porn star name if you see what I mean). She replied "KYS" back on the same email. The school have said the boy will be punished for the initial email but he clearly hasn't been punished as much as DD has. 3 days exclusion!?

Apologies Tatiana the post you quoted was similar to something I’d written.

@Scrumplestiltskin
That's not the point I was making. I am saying that a one off remark CAN cause damage and that we really shouldn't minimize it like some have been doing on here.

Thank you, but she's not OK. If some one said this to her again, and she had the means and the know how (she doesn't at the moment, thankfully) she would more than likely try. This is my reality. Her reality. This is why we have to stop using it and pretending it is a flippant term.

I am saying that someone who killed themselves for no other reason than that someone used thee phrase "KYS" to them WOULD be a fragile flowerpot. Or someone with a fragile state of mind, perhaps? You are not better than either of the children being discussed on this thread.

The problem is things said and meant on one side of a written communication can be received in a completely different way to that intended depending on the person's state of mind when read.

Although 3 days exclusion appears harsh, she can live with that...could she have lived with if he'd have been 'flippant' and acted on it 'for a laugh' or to scare her (him also not realising the consequences of his actions are very real)

I'd take it as a lesson to be learned from

Unless there is a massive backstory here where we discover the boy was being harassed by classmates I think your daughter has been treated very harshly. He should also have been excluded if the school has a zero tolerance attitude.

No worries Hen

@olayjer Would you be prepared to shared the term he told her to goggle?

He should be dealt with. I don't believe that being told to KYS was so triggering to the poor wee soul that he just had to run off and tell someone and drop OP's daughter in the shit.

No, it’s not. But OP states her DD didn’t and doesn’t understand the seriousness of the phrase, so used it flippantly.

What of the next person her DD flippantly decides to tell to kill themselves? Or the one after that?

I do agree with labelling him, because he needs to learn, fast, that his behaviour is perverted and wrong.

TatianaLarina thanks

Given posts about poor wee lambs tg schools are doing something. It is a mh crisis exacerbated by this type of online communication.

The op asked is this fair and some said yes.

It wasn’t an op on what punishment the boy should get. The majority who want the KYS term wiped out would say the same if the op was on the other side.

That's the lesson I would be giving her - don't respond to that kind of thing next time (because being a female, there will be a next time). Tell me and I'll deal with it

Sad but very true

What of the next person her DD flippantly decides to tell to kill themselves? Or the one after that?

I stated previously that if this is part of her general lexicon, all gloves would be off (is that expression okay?)

In response to this particular scenario, nope, no fucks given here, I’m afraid.

Aye Butchy I get that, it’s not often we disagree to be fair.

I’m in no way defending his actions, quite the opposite.

I just think OPs minimising of the language her DD is flippantly using happily is scary.

Oh sorry if someone already said something similar, I skimmed the comments

He is not a pervert or the meaning of pervert has changed beyond all reason. Being interested in sex at 13, learning how to interact with girls his own age, which of these is perverted?

We teach children to make mistakes and learn from them. Yet is this just lip service? He has made a mistake (not a huge one imo) and hopefully will learn. I don’t even think she has done anything wrong really, although I know many will disagree.

The ready availability of pornography is a huge problem but it is not his fault. If adults, however, police adolescence through merciless adult eyes that to me is far closer to ‘abuse’, the term so merrily used by many these days.

Stop minimising the sending of porn links to a 13 year old.

Sending unwanted emails with sexual content or sexual images constitutes sexual harassment.

If you did that as an adult it could constitute a sex offence.

We get it, you don’t think he’s done anything wrong. You are incorrect.

People need to realise that actions have consequences, they need to learn to think before they press send. Words can be dangerous and we need to teach our young people (and plenty of adults!) to engage brain before pressing send

Absolutely!! What this lad did could have been incredibly triggering to this young girl. I hope she wasn’t effected long term by what she saw. Must have been very confusing

I think that it's good the school have dealt with this in such a positive way as often you here of schools not dealing with bullying when a child has a problem with other children bullying and the parent feels that despite speaking to teachers/headteacher etc that the problem still goes on. We have all probably read stories similar on here or Netmums,or know someone that has had this problem. I have read far to many sad news stories this year of children some as young as 11 committing suicide. It seems to be happening more often. My daughter is at this moment playing on Fortnite and I went and asked her if she had seen or heard anyone on there ever saying it and she said No. In any case it doesn't matter where it's been heard of or said your daughter is by far old enough that you never say anything like that and how hurtful it can be. Whether it is said abbreviated like KYS or actually said " kill yourself " it is a very hurtful and dangerous thing to say and is absolutely disgusting. I would be absolutely disgusted and mortified if I had found out my daughter had said that. I'm not saying you weren't by the way. You never know what someone is dealing with,outwardly they may have a smile on their face but inwardly they could be being bullied by lots of people whether it be at school/work, they could have problems at home or suffer with depression or other mental health issues. That comment or similar could just be enough to tip them over the edge at that particular time.In regards to what they boy did again that was bang out of order and I hope his parents have dealt with it as well as the school but as you were the poster saying what your daughter had done I was mainly focusing on that. We live in a sad sad world where with all the social media etc nowadays it's far easier for this to go on behind a computer screen,phone etc.

my Dd is the same age. Not a chance of me telling her to ignore sexualised bullying. She out in the world now and needs to know it’s ok to deal with things herself without worrying about the feelings of the perpetrator or being ‘kind’. Not once have I worried about the vulnerability of boys and men who have tried to show me porn, catcalled me, assaulted me, groped me, made me feel silly or uncomfortable or scared for their kicks. Not happening.

Sadly I do have experience of suicide, more experience than I’d like. Suicide is complex and multifaceted and I think it’s pretty sick to pretend it’s caused by girls objecting to boys being shits and ignore the mental health issues caused by the objectification and sexualisation of women and girls. It is not the ops dd’s fault if this boy is vulnerable and it’s not her job to fix him. She didn’t make him vulnerable. She reacted to his action. I don’t mean that in an every man is an island sense or “I am not my brothers keeper” but in the sense that it is not the job of all women and girls, all of the time, to be the “mum” or emotional support animal of any random boy or man who is dishing out shitty behaviour. We are allowed to put ourselves first.

@differentnameforthis I'm sorry that she's not. And I understand it must be very difficult to keep a child safe, who takes things so literally (my son is awaiting an autism assessment, and is very literal to, but not to such a dangerous/worrying degree.)
However a boy who tries to trick a girl into looking at porn, is not just someone making a nice comment on the internet.
Your daughter said nothing to deserve a nasty response. What this boy did, however, does mean a nasty response is not an unreasonable consequence.
Personally if I was the OP's daughter, I would have told him to "fuck off you disgusting perv" and not to "KYS" but either way? If someone doing something nasty on the internet kills themself, because someone replies with the letters "K" "Y" and "S" I'm not going to cry about it.
OBVIOUSLY it shouldn't be used to bully, to be nasty to an innocent person, or in casual chat. But as a response to that grossness, it was actually pretty restrained imo. I could think of a lot worse to say to a boy who tricked either of my children into looking up porn.

I'm increasingly saddened that early teenagers not only have to deal with the natural physical challenges of growing up but also these additional layers of complexity wrt how to manage their online communication. Often with limited guidance and support.

No wonder teenage MH problems are on the rise, they have this 24/7/365 intrusion with no respite.

She could have just said fuck off

^^ A fine response NOT!!
Swearing and inappropriate acronyms like KYS are so commonplace and normalised it's impossible for young people to filter what's good from what's unacceptable. Parents and have difficulty keeping up so they don't stand a chance.

Parents and teachers, that should say

I think it’s pretty sick to pretend it’s caused by girls objecting to boys being shits and ignore the mental health issues caused by the objectification and sexualisation of women and girls. It is not the ops dd’s fault if this boy is vulnerable and it’s not her job to fix him. She didn’t make him vulnerable. She reacted to his action.
This. And honestly, he deserved a lot worse than 3 letters, the disgusting little pig.
I am appalled that people on this thread are scolding the OP's daughter for telling a nasty little shit to go to hell. And that he didn't get suspended for essentially sharing porn as a method of sexual harassment, but she did for defending herself.

When I was 13yo I would have been punished for any swearing, not least of all telling someone to fuck off - now it's given as an appropriate response. Really?!?!

So the next time a girl is sexually harassed by a boy she has to be careful when retaliating that her language does not cause any offence. His welfare should be foremost at all time.

When I was 13yo I would have been punished for any swearing, not least of all telling someone to fuck off - now it's given as an appropriate response. Really?!?!

I too would have been punished for the same ... unless it would have been in response to someone trying to induce me to look at porno material or similar offences.

And then I'd have been punished for not telling them to FO. I can actually hear how the conversation would have gone down in my head. "What's wrong with you? Do you not have a tongue in your head? Why didn't you tell him where to go?" etc, etc.

Diff'rent strokes, eh?

It is not the ops dd’s fault if this boy is vulnerable and it’s not her job to fix him. She didn’t make him vulnerable. She reacted to his action.

Precisely