DD used the phrase "KYS" and has been suspended for 3 days?!

[olayjer]

DD is 13 and said sent the phrase "KYS" to a boy in her year after he sent her an email saying "type X into the school internet" (the X is the name of a porn star that wouldn't seem like a porn star name if you see what I mean). She replied "KYS" back on the same email. The school have said the boy will be punished for the initial email but he clearly hasn't been punished as much as DD has. 3 days exclusion!?

Mind you, if my DD told someone to go and kill themselves I’d do the same.

No double standards here.

No, because language matters, as it should. If she’d said fuck off you pervert I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid

I agree,language matters.... but a 3 day suspension of 13 yo who used it in response to sexual harassment? Totally over the top!

If people are interested in mental health here, then I’d be far, far more concerned about the impact on the girl. She’s a 13 yo who’s being goaded by a boy into accessing porn, and rather than her reaction being understood for what it was (a young girl robustly defending herself as she should, albeit with unwise language), she’s being severely punished. What message does this send out to young girls? If I was her I’d think the school’s message was: “Sexually harassed by a boy? Don’t think about defending yourself first, the priority is to make sure you don’t do anything that might offend or hurt him! If you mis-judge, it won’t matter what the boy did, we’ll come down on you like a ton of bricks - no mercy!”

Of course saying KYS is wrong - and she should be called out on it - but the laser focus on this to the exclusion of the wider context is far more damaging.

Yetalk,

Yes you would, as would I. I would let them know in no uncertain terms what I thought of their BEHAVIOUR.

However I would not consider them to suddenly be perverts, little shits etc. There is a huge difference between condemning a behaviour and labelling a child (something that seems to be being applied to both children on this thread).

Sorry where have I said he should get away with it? I haven’t.

There are plenty saying that she should though.

Because apparently language doesn’t matter.

A line spouted by those who have had the luxury of not being affected by it inevitably.

He has been punished, OP doesn’t know how, for all we know he has been suspended (he should have been)

I would think that OP would be ensuring her DDs MH is ok after what she was exposed to, as should the school.

larrygrylls his behaviour is perverted and deeply concerning, he is a pervert. Who needs to learn, quickly, why his behaviour is so wrong and appalling.

You can’t minimise sexually aggressive behaviour, nor aggressive behaviour.

Which is kind of the point I’m trying to make when people are absolving OPs DD of any responsibility for the language she uses.

It’s obvious she wasn’t being as mean as this email content is but schools have a wider problem in that these terms are thrown around.
I think making a zero tolerance approach to things like this is the only way to curb the way young people speak to each other. You dd could have sent this to someone who has been actually considering it.

If parents would parent their kids a bit more rather than relentlessly defending their shitty behaviour then we wouldn’t have such a problem.

So, so far from the truth. I have repeatedly said I want them BOTH to be punished as NEITHER is acceptable. What he did was awful too.

You’re obsessed with what was said to the boy and you have nothing much to say about what was done to the girl. It’s very clear where your priority lies. You repeatedly dodged the fact that this boy’s punishment was not commensurate with the girl’s, to the point of inventing punishments and making excuses. You either do not understand the perniciousnsess of the message this sends the girl or you do not care.

FYS? It wasn't that at all. It was KYS

Typo! It was past midnight and KYS is the whole point of the thread.

Kid must be loving this. Not only does he get to send creepy messages to girls, but when they tell him to KYS/DD/GFY, he gets to act all hurt and triggered and girl gets suspended.

This

larrygrylls his behaviour is perverted and deeply concerning, he is a pervert. Who needs to learn, quickly, why his behaviour is so wrong and appalling.

See, I wouldn’t go as far as calling him
a ‘pervert’ at that age over one incident.

But I also wouldn’t turn a hair at the recipient of the message telling him to KYC/DD/Go play with traffic in response.

You repeatedly dodged the fact that this boy’s punishment was not commensurate with the girl’s, to the point of inventing punishments and making excuses. You either do not understand the perniciousnsess of the message this sends the girl or you do not care.

Bullshit. OP has said she doesn’t know how he was punished, and I’ve repeatedly stated how serious it was and that there should have been immediate and harsh punishment.

Whoever you’re talking about isn’t me. Either that or you’re cherry picking aspects of my comments to suit your agenda that defends language proven to have had a negative impact.

So kindly point out exactly where I’ve minimised his actions please?

You can’t, because I haven’t.

his behaviour is perverted and deeply concerning, he is a pervert. Who needs to learn, quickly, why his behaviour is so wrong and appalling

You can’t minimise sexually aggressive behaviour, nor aggressive behaviour.

Agreed.

Larry’s repeated attempts to minimise sexual bullying and trying to shift responsibility onto a 13 year old girl, if she made the mistake of clicking on the link, is repugnant imo.

So Tatiana it would appear to be you with the transparent agenda wouldn’t it? Because you’re conveniently ignoring suicide statistics and language around that, while accusing me of focusing on only one side when in actual fact that is what you and many others are doing.

I’ve repeatedly said that both are wrong, have you?

TatianaLarina you’ve just used one of MY comments to agree with ffs!

Yetalk,

He is not a pervert or the meaning of pervert has changed beyond all reason. Being interested in sex at 13, learning how to interact with girls his own age, which of these is perverted?

We teach children to make mistakes and learn from them. Yet is this just lip service? He has made a mistake (not a huge one imo) and hopefully will learn. I don’t even think she has done anything wrong really, although I know many will disagree.

The ready availability of pornography is a huge problem but it is not his fault. If adults, however, police adolescence through merciless adult eyes that to me is far closer to ‘abuse’, the term so merrily used by many these days.

Kids need teaching but labelling him as a pervert and her as a bully are both ridiculous.

See, I wouldn’t go as far as calling him
a ‘pervert’ at that age over one incident.

Really? Maybe if the first incident of sexually aggressive behaviour was taken seriously and not minimised, there wouldn’t be sex offenders. There’s always a first time eh?

I haven't read everything but I do remember going through my early teens and people saying "oh, drop dead" in a similar fashion.

My mum would 'get her knickers in a twist' over it and we thought it was a total over reaction as, between peers, this was an acceptable phrase with no malice, spite or intention behind it other than to bring an end to an argument.

Like all things though, had it been said to someone who had just been bereaved it would have been received differently and, hopefully, not said to show sensitivities.

Personally, I think a bollocking would have been sufficient.

I think making a zero tolerance approach to things like this is the only way to curb the way young people speak to each other.

Unless it’s the last resort, I disagree with zero tolerance approaches that don’t make any attempt to recognise context. It makes the school appear serious about an issue, when actually it’s lazy and likely to be counter-productive, as while people focus on applying the ‘letter of the law’ rather than ensure the ‘spirit of the law’ is adhered to..... and the real bullies switch their tactics to something more subtle but equally insidiously

Whoever you’re talking about isn’t me

Indeed. The post I quoted and was replying to was by Verbeena.

OP are you not worried at all that your DD has told someone to kill himself? You seem to be minimising what she has done. You need to be explaining to her the implications this could have if she says it to a vulnerable person.

Has anyone else considered she just typed it back thoughtlessly straight the way and didn’t think? It’s an abbreviation, could also mean kick your self...she didn’t type the actual words so I think the punishment is unfair. Who knows what she meant in her head at that time.

She should be careful what she types online but he was in the wrong too! Lol could mean lies odious lies, or yeah she may have meant kill your self.

Unfair the school jumped on that in my Opinion. 😕

you’ve just used one of MY comments to agree with ffs!

Quite. Why not read my posts a bit more carefully.

Do people think OP’s daughter should/would have been punished had she responded, “go take a long walk off a short pier.”?

Or it would have been even better if OP's daughter did not respond at all and took the message from the boy to her teachers and parents and let them deal with the issue. She didn't need to engage with him. Had she ignored his message and taken it to an adult who could deal with it, then it would have been a lot better situation.

Really? Maybe if the first incident of sexually aggressive behaviour was taken seriously and not minimised, there wouldn’t be sex offenders. There’s always a first time eh?

Hey, I'm all for taking it seriously. As I said, Imo OP's daughter's response was fairly mild for the offence in my book and if she we were my daughter, would not be getting additionally punished by me.

He should be dealt with. I don't believe that being told to KYS was so triggering to the poor wee soul that he just had to run off and tell someone and drop OP's daughter in the shit.

Nevertheless, given his age, if this is the only incident that has occurred with him (so far), I would not refer to him/label him a "pervert".

That is quite apart from thinking he should be dealt with. As you say, language is important. 'Pervert' is too strong a word for a first offence at that age.

Has anyone else considered she just typed it back thoughtlessly straight the way and didn’t think?

But that is no defence. People need to realise that actions have consequences, they need to learn to think before they press send. Words can be dangerous and we need to teach our young people (and plenty of adults!) to engage brain before pressing send.

Or it would have been even better if OP's daughter did not respond at all and took the message from the boy to her teachers and parents and let them deal with the issue. She didn't need to engage with him. Had she ignored his message and taken it to an adult who could deal with it, then it would have been a lot better situation.

Oh yes, I agree. Not least because she probably didn't predict that the poor wee lamb would go off clyping about what she said.

That's the lesson I would be giving her - don't respond to that kind of thing next time (because being a female, there will be a next time). Tell me and I'll deal with it.