DD used the phrase "KYS" and has been suspended for 3 days?!

[olayjer]

DD is 13 and said sent the phrase "KYS" to a boy in her year after he sent her an email saying "type X into the school internet" (the X is the name of a porn star that wouldn't seem like a porn star name if you see what I mean). She replied "KYS" back on the same email. The school have said the boy will be punished for the initial email but he clearly hasn't been punished as much as DD has. 3 days exclusion!?

I’ve just been to the funeral of a boy who was bullied to the point of killing himself

DD is the one in this case who was actually being bullied. She was tricked into looking at sexually explicit and degrading material. Then the boy manages to get her suspended. Do you think he will stop now? I doubt it.

And as for people saying that the type of boy doing this is hardly going to kill himself how would you know? Imagine a scenario where this boy is being bullied and is forced to send a message like that or one of his bullies takes his phone and sends it. He’s scared of the trouble he’s going to be in. Still fine for the ops dd to tell him to kill himself? It’s not the kind of thing that should be thrown around and if an exclusion is necessary to drive home the potential seriousness of it then I would fully support the school in the ops situation.
If you concentrate on the discrepancy in punishment (without knowing whether there is any) and pass the comment off as just something people say then don’t be surprised if she gets a longer exclusion soon for saying it to someone again.

The lack of perspective and refusal to consider context from some posters is difficult to understand.

This boy sent an email designed to humiliate and sexually harass the OP’s DD. She responded robustly, aggressively even, but she was defending herself and responding to unacceptable behaviour... I don’t condone what she wrote (albeit just 3 letters!) but it is VERY, VERY, VERY different to someone bullying and tormenting someone, urging them to KYS!

Those that are bullied may killed themselves if they suffer a sustained campaign of harassment with bullies telling them to KYS as part of it... It’s utterly absurd and stretches any kind of imagination to think that a bully who sends girls links to porn sites would kill themselves if one of them impulsively responds KYS. Why some can’t see this baffles me!

I’m pretty sure that messaging someone telling them to kill themselves is also a crime.

I've just been to the funeral of a 15 year old. Killed themselves after 1 argument. An argument that the rest of us would shrug off.

You can’t know what his mental health was like. If he couldn’t shrug off an argument that most would, then he was possibly not mentally or emotionally well.

That cuts both ways. Potentially someone could kill themselves after being degraded and humiliated by a boy at school.

I think it’s harsh

I typed some porno stuff on my work computer I’d be in real danger of being instantly dismissed. If someone tried to trick me into doing that I’d be livid at them.

I’ve been the victim of sexual harassment sexual assault & sexual abuse. I also find it upsetting when people care more about an abusers mental health than the actual victim

It’s actually a myth that everyone who kills themselves has a long history of depression or sustained bullying. A lot of kids - especially teens commit suicide impulsively after a single argument, a single comment, a one off event. Without giving any indication they were unwell or unhappy beforehand.

@BumsexAtTheBingo can i ask where you got your info on this ?

As a secondary school teacher my experience of the majority of students who say or do something inappropriate is that their parents defend and back them all the way. Always someone else's fault.

I’m pretty sure that messaging someone telling them to kill themselves is also a crime

She was replying to his sexual harassment

It's quite amusing to see people bend themselves up in knots to play gender politics and automatically make the boy the worse culprit.

This KYS meme is widespread all over places such as Tumblr, but people still try and blame Fortnite etc, the boy hasn't been dealt with yet according to OP., but the subtext of some is that he deserved it. I will bet my house that if a daughter had received a text of KYS they would expect the sender to be suspended.

Porn isn't an issue in this scenario, IMO if she has picked up the KYS meme then porn is one of many problems that she is already seeing and aware of, on her own accord as well.

I'm not sure that's true Bumsex. Of the nine recent cases we've had here all had previously been self harmers, although for some that had been historic.

Of course very few people would have known they were self harming and they may well have been presenting as generally happy "normal" teenagers.

Ok just

And as for people saying that the type of boy doing this is hardly going to kill himself how would you know?

I suppose your scenario it’s conceivable and theoretically possible, but it’s far fetched.

Similarly it’s “possible” that had she responded with ‘go fuck yourself’ instead that unknown to her he may have been sexually abused previously and this response was the trigger for him killing himself. It’s possible!

I will bet my house that if a daughter had received a text of KYS they would expect the sender to be suspended

Would that daughter have been sexually harassing some one also ?

It wasn't a case of not shrugging off an argument. The feeling is it was more an act committed in anger, a sort of "I'll show you".

The point is none of us can pretend to know the state of mind that others are in.

What this boy did was very wrong. However, the OP can do nothing about him. The school aren't going to tell her about his punishment.

What she could do would be arrange a meeting to discuss why the school's filters didn't work and what they plan to do to address that and what their attitude is to sexual harassment, sending porn etc. Because they should have done more to prevent this.

At the same time what her daughter did was wrong and it's no good claiming that it was in response. It's still wrong.

I'm really shocked at how many poster's are saying that this is normal conversation between teens.

Maybe school should use this as an opportunity to explain exactly why we shouldn't say it.

She was replying to his sexual harassment

Yes, and so she should call him out on it. It was awful what he did, no-one has said otherwise.
You can't just tell someone to go kill themselves though.

I think it is OTT too.

She told him to KYS when he tried to get her to view porn. If she was bullying him and regularly telling him to kill himself, then yes, she needs severe punishment.

No one should tell anyone to kill themselves. No one should have said 'drop down dead' when we were at school either. It is of course, a horrible and flippant thing to say.

I don't agree with missing education for three days because of it. Both acted poorly and any punishments doled out should match. He was disgusting for doing what he did. A fuck off would have been much better.

Sometimes, talking to a teen who has screwed up is all that is needed. Not suspension for a first offence. I am sure if there was a conversation around why it isn't acceptable she wouldn't do it again. Probably the same for him. I am not one to jump straight to harsh punishments for first offences. However, the school decided to suspend her, and the boy wasn't. That doesn't make sense to me.

If my son sent that email to girls at his school and he got that response back, I would have told him he shouldn’t be surprised.... I wouldn’t have had a particular issue with the girl’s response and certainly wouldn’t have wanted her suspended.

It's quite amusing to see people bend themselves up in knots to play gender politics and automatically make the boy the worse culprit.

Who is trying to make the boy the worse culprit? People are saying he acted disgustingly, and hopefully he got a harsh punishment too. We don't know what his was, as they won't tell OP as it's not her child.
What the boy did was awful.

Ok just

Good comeback.

What is happening here is that there is an automatic default of the daughter being innocent and trying to justify her telling someone to kill them self.

If they admit that telling someone to kill themself is wrong it is trying to be spun as coming from a male dominated area

To get to the position that you casually use the outdated meme of KYS cannot be pinpointed solely down to the boy sending her random porn star names to google, it really isn't

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.businessinsider.com/many-suicides-are-based-on-an-impulsive-decision-2014-8
There’s tons of research on suicide and impulsivity if you research. Teens are particularly at risk because they are still very impulsive until around 25 and the part of the responsible for thinking through the brain consequences of actions isn’t fully developed.
It’s very sad but for a lot of people if they could get through around 15 mins where the conditions are right for them to kill themselves they would likely not die of suicide. The idea that people who kill themselves are chronically ill and miserable and plan and want to die isn’t true for many suicides.

A lot of kids - especially teens commit suicide impulsively after a single argument, a single comment, a one off event. Without giving any indication they were unwell or unhappy beforehand

But they may well have been unwell or unhappy without anyone realising.

Either way, all the more reason to come down hard on sexual bullying.

The world has gone crazy. 10 years ago and he would definitely have been in the wrong. People want to attack girls for sticking up for themselves.
Imagine the opposite, girl randomly tells boy to search name of a pornstar with a 10 inch cock. He sends back KYS which is a common acronym like PMSL or FML. I can't imagine people turning on that boy.