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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

391 replies

dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 10:50

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
elessar · 12/10/2018 14:15

Well done OP! Great you have stood your ground on this

EK36 · 12/10/2018 14:15

I think if it bothers you OP then send a blanket message to all invited stating no siblings but welcome to drop invited guests off. I've had party's before, couple of extra siblings showed up. I had spare party bags and food so it was absolutely fine. If a child's been invited to a party that's priced per head then that is very different to a hall party. Yes ive been out for a special dinner and surprise guests have turned up, e.g. new girlfriend of some one. Im okay with it. But everyone is different.

TheVortex · 12/10/2018 14:15

You are brilliant. So easy to be cheesed off and roll over to the CFs. 😁

Winterbella · 12/10/2018 14:16

Whereismumhiding2 That's the thing they just said to me how many are coming and I gave them the number and because its not individual meals they don't bother with names at the door and each set of CF parents just said oh the wee one is invited as well to the guys on the desk so that they didn't have to pay in.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 12/10/2018 14:16

I don't understand all the people saying "if it's in a hall it doesn't matter if siblings tag along". We're having a whole class party for our Reception age DD in a few weeks and it's in a hall so not 'pay per child' but we've still had to plan and budget according to expected numbers. We've planned how much food to buy, how big a cake we will need, how many party bags, the venue have asked how many tables and chairs we will need etc. I don't even know the names of all the kids in DD's class yet, let alone who has siblings and how many of them. So if parents all take the attitude of "it's in a hall so it's fine to bring siblings" I could end up with 5, 10, who knows, maybe 15 extra kids that I haven't planned for. I'm buggered if I'm going to shell out for a dozen extra party bags and associated tat and cater for way more children than we've invited just in case. If people have a genuine childcare issue and actually have the courtesy to ask me then fine, but if you just turn up with extra toddlers in tow then I'm sorry but that child isn't getting a party bag and you can deal with the inevitable tantrum.

Returnofthesmileybar · 12/10/2018 14:16

I was only joking Grin. Good texts, , no room for confusion there and nice and pite too

prettypossums · 12/10/2018 14:19

At a party for 8 year olds, drop and go is surely the norm, unless there's some sort of SEN, or the party is in a very out of the way location and the parent doesn't drive. But even then, I'd expect them to make arrangements for someone else to give their dc a lift. YANBU

GinUnicorn · 12/10/2018 14:19

I have no problem with a parent politely asking but bringing Someone along uninvited is plain rude. Good luck OP. Hopefully those texts remove any room for confusion.

KurriKurri · 12/10/2018 14:19

Ill mannered not to invite siblings ? - What new madness is this ?

What is extremely ill mannered is to invite yourself to someone else's party.

Eight year olds do not do the same activities as 3 yr olds. I don;t know what OPis planning but if for example there are games, three year old's trying to join in will ruin it for older one. if someone is coming to do an activity with the children - a craft thing or similar, then it will be pitched at 8yr old abilities not three year olds.

I thin the idea of constantly having younger ones tagging along to their older siblings activities is really unfair on the older child. They need time to be with their own friends of their own age. (And I speak as a youngest child - so no axe to grind) What do these people do when thier older kids go to cubs or brownies do they expect thier younger ones to be allowed to join in ? Do they dump thier younger kids in the classroom when their older child goes to school ?

The idea that it is impossible to cope with your different age children doing different activities is utterly bizarre - just go somewhere else with the younger child. Go home and come back, go for a walk, go to the park, find somewhere to have a coffee and snack. There's bound to be something you can find to do.

beyondthesky · 12/10/2018 14:19

Your messages were perfect - short, to the point with no room for 'misunderstanding'.

Well done!

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 14:20

Well done @dontyouforgetaboutme

Those were polite and clear texts. Now you can focus on DD's birthday, her party as she wants it, and all the fun she's going to have!!! Smile

Soubriquet · 12/10/2018 14:21

Nice texts OP

Yokohamajojo · 12/10/2018 14:21

I have had to bring DS2 to DS1s parties to drop off (eg no child care so have to bring DS2 when dropping DS1 to party) , but then I would obviously take DS2 back home if near or to a park if not and then pick up again. Sometimes we have been asked to stay if it's like a church hall type but I would definitely not expect party bag or food. Same with soft play type parties, then if I have needed to bring DS2 I would pay for him separately and keep him away from the rest of the party

ADastardlyThing · 12/10/2018 14:22

NOT unreasonable at all. They have been extremely rude.

Deadbudgie · 12/10/2018 14:23

Absolutely not ok to bring siblings unless they have been invited. This happens so bloody often. It always starts off with the sibling day there with the parents, food comes out, cue sad faces sibling, I’m so hungry etc. Helpfully bringing their brother/sister up for a party bag. I always put on invites now after having a few parties where siblings increase numbers by a third. sorry, due to venue no siblings can be accommodated. I’ve notice this on quite a few invites esp those with older kids who have obviously learned by experience

widgetbeana · 12/10/2018 14:24

Well done. I've had to do this before too. However there have been occasions where people have asked can they bring younger due to childcare issues (admittedly the party children were around 5 at the time.) These were usually asked about a week or more in advance and they were always very apologetic, not expecting food or party bags. But hey always asked, never expected.

notdaddycool · 12/10/2018 14:24

I think it's unreasonable not to invite siblings when you require a parent to stay but otherwise only invited children. You're doing nothing unreasonable.

RiverTam · 12/10/2018 14:25

very good. Straight to the point, no room for 'misunderstandings'. Nice one.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/10/2018 14:26

Well done OP.
I hope they get the message!!!!!

To any loons out there.
WTF would an 8 YO girl want a load of 3 YO boys running around being boisterous at HER birthday party?????
Answer = she wouldn't.
Weird lot!!!!

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 14:26

@Winterbella. Gosh, those parents lied then as at your DC's party, stealing another child's place?! What outright CF-ery!! They'd be on the no future invites list for me.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/10/2018 14:26

The difference between 8 and 3 is a lot and I agree that 3 year olds at an event like that would just be a nuisance.

DramaticGoose · 12/10/2018 14:30

I had similar happen at my dc's party - but reverse... it was my dc's 3rd birthday and one family turned up with a much older child (8/9 I guess), and a younger one, both parents. The poor older child was clearly bored out of his mind (who can blame him, it was a party for 3 year olds). Luckily the venue only asked us to pay extra for one of the extra children. We didn't do party bags but gave away books instead, we only gave them one book because we only invited one of their children! I was keen to set up some play dates with the invited child but the cfery of the parents totally put me off! Luckily my ds will not be in the same school year as their child and the friendship will probably fizzle out between my dc and this boy, but still... also, it's the same mother who always posts on the nursery app about the cost of nursery, complaining about training days (personally, I'd prefer it if the nursery staff are up to date on their training!) And generally being a moaning Minnie. I guess she's a "type" and best avoided!!!

flowery · 12/10/2018 14:38

”Sorry, there appears to be some confusion with the other parent. I am not sure why she thinks her younger child is coming, as this party is for 8 year olds, and no three year olds have been invited.
There is no need to stay, as the children are 8.””

Yes this. ^^

bridgetreilly · 12/10/2018 14:40

Even if the party is in a hall, there are restrictions on the number of people it's legal to accommodate. It's incredibly rude just to turn up with uninvited children and assume that you can all stay. If you need to bring siblings, you need to ask first. And sometimes you need to explain to a child that they won't be able to go to a party. It's not the end of the world.

KERALA1 · 12/10/2018 14:43

Well done op nice and clear. Bloody cheek!

In all my years of parenting and parties I have never come across this it is NOT normal to bring along random siblings! It would double your numbers straight away at least. Sort of bearable if you were having some hellish church hall free for all (but even then) but we have our girls parties at home with our kids actual friends so random toddlers would not fit in at all.