To think I’ve really arsed my life up beyond repair?

[sandiebeech]

I’ve made so many bad decisions and they’ve led me to where I am now. I regret it.

Look, I don’t know which thread you’re on about so how can I answer

“Aren’t you the poster from last month”

Seriously?

Problem is when people come at you like that you feel instinctively a bit defensive.

OP you say you’ve made bad decisions. And your decision to be closed, obtuse and evasive on this thread may be another one.

Do you want actual support, or just the contact, the sense that others are responding?

I think that so much advice about the small things like forcing a quick change of scene with a walk / talk / book etc, making a small change to routine and all these things is so much more effective than so many people think it is - but the trouble is many people can't accept their very unique and special brand of helplessness, hopelessness and pain is actually not that unique at all. It's part of the human condition to think that even in our misery we are somehow so apart and unique from others that 'normal' advice couldn't possibly work on us. That's the thing about pain and loneliness, it makes you feel like you are the only one.

Thing is though all the small things do work when put together. Life is only a series of individual moments, strung together by the common threads you choose to weave them with. That's pretty much it. It's far more mundane and far more spectacular than most people realise.

The day I started to get better from these sorts of feelings of hopelessness was when I realised I wasn't so special that my problems were so insurmountable, that I wasn't so unique as to be the exception to the rule of what helps basically anyone who gives it a try improve their life (exercise, better sleep, better diet, new activities, keeping the brain active, learning how to challenge negative thoughts etc).

And when I also accepted that given that I was not on my deathbed, or locked in prison or something I was in a fucking fortunate position to be able to effect small changes in my life and to stop being such a fucking child about it, stamping my foot and saying life isn't fair and my life in particular was the one unique life that could never be helped.

no more re cats or dogs. They are very nice but honestly, they are in no way shape or form a solution.

The solution is to change the way you think and live your life OP.
By posting in this way you are just absolving yourself of responsibility: 'Oh, everything hopeless and none of you can truly understand or help me.'

You say you've made mistakes in the past. Well, if you'd learned from that, you would reflect and acknowledge that you are making decisions today that you may regret tomorrow. Wallowing in misery rather than making small changes may be one of those mistakes. You have the power to change. Mumsnet is full of people in dire situations who drag themselves out of it, but you have to want to.

Also, you are very likely to be the poster that keeps posting these sorts of threads. You appear to have name changed and not posted anything else, and you haven't given a reason why you are posting in such an elusive manner.

You can change OP. Perhaps the first step would be having a think about why you post these posts, what you are looking for in the answers and what validation you get from this that you could seek elsewhere

“people can't accept their very unique and special brand of helplessness...” so much this. Once I realised that, actually, my despair wasn’t so different to anyone else’s, I got a lot better.

range LTB, have a spa day, get your hair done, move to Korea.

wasabi I love your whole post.

OP, I recognise a lot of your anger from myself in my late 20s. And sort of from myself now (mid 30s) although I've got a hold on it more of late.

I'm in ever increasing debt, am stuck in a job I have a number of issues with, am in desperate need of losing about 40% of my weight, and have a number of minor medical things adding to my woes. My default response is always to get angry at myself - I shouldn't have spent that money, I shouldn't have got into that job, I shouldn't eat so much. I then eat more or spend more or don't make an effort at work as a sort of self-destruction because then I can continue to be angry. It's impossible to fail if you're not trying to change.

Don't try to fix everything at once. It's not going to work. Set smaller targets that are part of a bigger plan. I've set myself up with a budget spreadsheet so at least I am aware of the state of my finances, and it does help me keep a semblance of control over my spending. It is only a drop in the ocean, but at least it's a step in the right direction. Once my finances are a little less of a cause for stress I can look at the next disastrous aspect of my life.

You say you are lonely. What sort of things do you want to talk about? Do you mind whether it's online or in real life? I've joined FB groups and other forum sites for some of my social interactions. It's easier and cheaper than real life groups.

I'm sorry if my waffling doesn't apply to your situation. It's just all I know. FWIW definitely don't get a dog. Not that you were going to. I have two and although I adore them, I am very certain my life would be easier without them.

Waffle away waffle is good.

I’m not really that angry though.

It’s hard to explain. I don’t think I can.

Lethal you’ve been trying to wear me down since page 1. Does it make you happy?

OP I’d say lethal is trying to help.

You don’t have to take the help, but being rude to people who want to help rarely works.

I sometimes think that I should be more angry - that I'm more numb than angry or that I'm angry at the wrong things.

I’m not intentionally being rude but I think it’s quite rude to demand more information from people than they are comfortable giving.

If lethal has a problem with that stepping away might be best - as I suggested on the first page.

I feel numb a lot too.

OP

You’re depressed.

You’ve gone on a forum. We don’t know you. We don’t actually care about you. And anyone who says otherwise is lying.

We can be totally objective though. You need help. Other in the form of ADs or counselling. Given you have made repeated efforts to engage with mumsnetters by starting threads, i reckon the latter option may be a good first step

Good luck

I went through a period of thinking this. I am not where I imagined I would be by this age. I made made decisions that I thought were for the best but made me unhappy. I made decisions (or failed to make decisions) that stopped me being/doing what I expected to be. I had bad relationships that feel like time wasted. I failed to keep in touch with good people and spent too long pandering to arseholes.

However, coming through to the other side of it I realise that although I have spent a lot of time doing stuff I wish I hadn't, and am not exactly where my 16 year old self would have said I should be, I now have a clearer understanding of what I want and who I am (and just as importantly what I will put up with, and what I will and can refuse to do). I have made my mistakes so I have a better idea of what makes me happy and knowing that I got through a lot of crap has actually given me more confidence to make the right choices for me now (even if other people think they are mad choices).

I really hope you can find a way to get through this.

It's far more mundane and far more spectacular than most people realise.

This made me well up
It's off the topic but
This is how I felt after the intial shock of my Mum's unexpected death- just starting to slowly slowly climb out back to the world

I’m not depressed, thanks, and I do know no one actually cares

I have no idea what other threads I’m supposed to have started and even if I did, given I’ve namechanged, maybe just respect my right to some privacy?

Thanks stones

Don't most people go through phases of thinking like this? Hindsight and all that? It would be amazing if all our decisions were great ones, right from the start, but how can they be when we're learning as we go along?

Numbness is not good though and does indicate you're depressed OP. Are you able to go and talk to a professional about this? The internet is not always the kindest place.

When I say numb I just mean I don’t feel all that strongly about anything. Maybe I should.

Numbness is a sign of depression. I have had 'smiling depression' before which it sounds like you might have from your posts. Generally appear cheerful but everything is duller than it should be with a sense there was always a dark cloud about to come over. It is only really apparent to me now retrospectively, I would say I felt like that for about 5 years.

Are you in London? I moved to the area as a mature student and was very lonely so attended city socialiser and meetup events where I made some very close friends who were more at my stage of life than many of the friends back home. There was a total mix of people, regulars, those that had just moved to the area etc. You may of considered it already and getting the initial motivation to do it isn't necessarily easy. Loneliness makes everything else feel 1000 times worse.

wasabi you are right! I was really really thrown when I first realised that depression was very common, and lots of other people had this, and I was not this unique child of pain and despair. (Was a dramatic teen.)

range got a pet, had a spa day, moved to Korea - v funny.

sandiebeech You've said you're angry with yourself, you hate yourself, you feel numb and you see no good in your future - trapped, helpless, bound by your past choices. That's exactly how I feel when I am depressed. Our circumstances may be different but our symptoms are the same.

What makes you say you are 'not depressed...in fact remarkably cheerful most of the time?'

In the end you have a choice to make. Do you want your remaining time on this earth to be the same as the last 2 decades of paralysis and stupid decisions? Or do you want to let another 20 years go by, look back and think, 'Oh you silly cunt! You've fucked up FORTY years now!'

Pick one positive thing to do and just do it. Eat an apple. Dance for 5 mins tonight to a song you like. Feed the birds. Download Headspace and meditate.

Here's the thing: you're not special. You're really not. We ALL balls up, make poor choices that close some avenues off to us, underachieve at some level. But life goes on until - suddenly, too soon - it doesn't.

You've had more advice than you deserved given the snark. But lots of us have felt the same at different points in our lives. We see you. We know that kindness matters so we reach out - but sometimes you just need to be a bit brave too and that bit comes from you.

Stop letting yourself off the hook. Strive to be happy.

My face ached from my fake smiles.

I was told I had Dysthymia (mild, chronic depression). When I was on ADs I felt like a different person. Leaping out of bed everyday, keen to face the day. I felt care-free. Even though I had problems I needed to sort out I didn't feel bothered to do a great job - I just got it done.

I had been depressed for so long that I didn't realise that it was why I found everything so hard.

Halloumi please will you be my life coach? You are totally right about not cocking up the next 20 years too. God I must try harder to remember this.

halloumi I love your post.

You are getting something out of being negative and dismissive, it's how you're managing to feel things I think. But it's at the expense of other people, which might be why you're stuck in a lonely loop. There's only so many accommodations people will make.