To think I’ve really arsed my life up beyond repair?

[sandiebeech]

I’ve made so many bad decisions and they’ve led me to where I am now. I regret it.

I'm wondering about the 'not depressed' thing too. Because from how you are responding, OP, and what youre saying, that's exactly how it sounds. Depression isn't just sitting down feeling sad.

So you've mad bad decisions in the past and now you're trying to square things with yourself. Okay. Then you need to try to work out what will make you happy. And of those things, what are practial, what can you actually do?

You have debt. Is it manageable? Can you look into alternative ways of paying it back? Could you declare yourself bankrupt and start with a clean slate?

You say your finances are chaotic and you won't have a mortgage. But why do you want one? If you live in an expensive area are mortgage repayments that much different from rental rates? What would you do with an owned property that would be different?

You don't have kids and that's a source of regret. How much do you want kids? Is it really too late biologically or 'too late' based on your family and peers? You don't have to be in a relationship or dating to have kids if that is something you really want. Again, if you did have kids, how would this affect your finances, your job, where you live?

You say you can go weeks, months without speaking to people. Does this trouble you? Is this because of the nature of your job? Is it because you don't want to speak to people? Is it because you think people find you unapproachable?

You don't have to answer these questions, at least, not on here, but I'm trying to understand the reasons you feel you have messed up your life.

It sounds as though the expectations that are oppressing you are partly formed by what is deemed to be "the normal" and you feel you don't conform to that. But why do you want to?
When I was a teen, everyone was dating from age 13: I wasn't. Everyone in my peer group had had sex by age 17:I hadn't.

The majority of my friends went to University: I didn't.
Everyone in my peer group was in a serious relationship by 21 and had moved out of the family home: I hadn't.
The majority of my friends were married and had kids by 25: I hadn't.
Many of my friends had an interesting career, which they enjoyed, by around age 30: I didn't.
Many of my friends now are grandparents: I'm not
I have an outstanding student loan (taken out as a mature student) which I doubt I'll ever pay off. I have a young child who I may not live long enough to see settled in a relationship. I don't have a career. Right now, I don't have a job.

However, none of these things bother me. It is not my responsibility to fulfil other peoples' expectations. What is right for me isn't necessarily right for other people.

I've had so many regrets. So many things I'll like to do over but it's impossible.
I had therapy and for me was very helpful. I was deeply stuck in the past. The therapist said it was frozen in time. She was right.
I was grieving for an alternative life. One that I made better choices but I could only forgive those who hurt me and forgive myself for not knowing how to make better decisions.
I've done very well since I accepted that I didn't fuck things up on purpose I just didn't have the right tools for the job.
As long as there is life there is opportunity but it is easy that's for sure.

Where would I live with the kid I’m going to have on my own? How would I afford childcare? What would happen to the kid if I died?

Where would I live with the kid I’m going to have on my own? How would I afford childcare? What would happen to the kid if I died?

There's been so much more said OP, it does feel a little like you are trying to start an argument.

Halloumi and Wasabi great posts! While I have the feeling they’re not likely to help the OP, they are definitely useful for others.

OP, I fucked up my life too.

I'm trying to form a new life. Lots of angry self hating voice here too for fucking things up so badly with terrible decision with foreseeable crappy consequences. .
Then I read (on mumsnet) about retraining your inner voice to be less critical. I've been trying that and it helps. I have no-one else to cheer lead me and be on my side and never had really - certainly not my parents. Thought there might as well be at least one person on my side even if that person is me! Anyway, that's my simplistic tuppence worth : )

I’m not trying to start an argument, I’m trying to show you it’s not as simple as ‘do this and all will be well.’

But a significant number of us have tried to engage you in all sorts of ways and lots haven't suggested 'do this and all will be well'

Dunno OP, that's something that most people have to figure out. We all have worries about what we'll do with our kids, or no kids, or pets, or parents. Only you can answer the questions.

If you want kids, you can have/adopt them. If you decide to have them, you figure out what to do with them - that's what everyone else does.

If you decide you can't - you make peace with it. That's literally all you can do.

And I’ve responded.

OP what do you want from this thread? We all seem to be annoying you, so just say directly what you want.

You’re not annoying me.

OK, let me put it another way. You dismiss every suggestion you're given, so what is it that you want?

At least you have your health. I’m sitting here with a frozen shoulder and it hurts! Can’t raise my arm without stabbing nerve pain. I’m gonna try and wash my hair and get dressed. I’ll get through the day best I can.

ThisIsTheFirstStep You're banging your head on a brick wall with a person like this. They seem like the type that likes to wallow.

I often feel like this about my life. I find looking at other people and what battles they are fighting helps me feel better about my life. I have my health, I’m not house bound or wheelchair bound, yes I’m single but I don’t have to live with an abusive partner, I don’t have to tell anyone where I’m going or what I’m doing. Only I can make my life better, I started by not looking at what I don’t have and by looking at what I do have and embracing it.

We are all different and things that work for one person don't always work with others.

All we can do is offer suggestions and say what worked for us.

There isn't an easy fix. All we can do is keep trying.

Sometimes everything feels hopeless and it's hard to keep trying.

Sometimes just rest and doing nothing for a while is the answer.

You have debt. Is it manageable? Can you look into alternative ways of paying it back? Could you declare yourself bankrupt and start with a clean slate?

I came on to say this. It's not something I suggest lightly but you might need desperate measures to get you back on an even keel

I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless OP. That's not a nice place to be. I know what you mean about glib one line solutions. It's hard not to get annoyed.

So I'll just leave you with this...have you thought of joining a choir?

Sandie you've sort of answered part of one of your own questions. There are plenty of single parents who think those same thoughts ever day. But if you are talking about the fact that you don't have children, then this is one thing you don't have to take on board as a consideration. If you are really uspet with your life choices/the way things have panned out because you want, but don't have children, then those are factors in making that decision.

I have a friend who has just turned 50 and who works in a particular sector. This means that she has little social life. She has a huge amount of debt and has elderly parents for whom she cares. She wanted to be married and have a child, it hasn't happened. She wants to adopt but has been told that in order to do so, she needs to lose weight (she is clinically obese). She is a highly intelligent woman. She has taken absolutely no steps at all to lose weight, despite having told all her friends for the past 10 years that this is what she will do.
She has taken no steps to address the debt situation, rather, will buy things online when her wages come in and then eke out what is left. Time and time again she's said she needs to sort out a payment plan.

I'm not sure what can be done if someone isn't willing to take even a small step toward making a change.

You sound supremely bored, op. If you find something that really sparks your interest and pursue it, it can make a tremendous difference to your quality of life. It could be something apparently quite trivial. I have found even a good tv series or book can spark my imagination immensely. Changes my whole perspective.

Well if your life is so terrible because of your —probably normal— bad decisions, and you can’t or won’t do anything about it to improve it and you’re not suicidal, you’re just going to have to accept it and get over whinging about it aren’t you? You have a choice- stick with the shitty status quo, or do something to change at least one small part of what you hate about yourself.

Or build a time machine so you can go back and make better choices.

Going back to a previous post, I think people on here reach out to strangers because they do actually care. I reset my long-forgotten password because the OP chimed with me and I didn't want to just walk on by and ignore someone that was feeling like that.

Thisisthefirststep, Wasabi and others thankyou for the posts.

life is more mundane and more spectacular than you might think - :)

I found a lot of freedom and comfort when I accepted that in one sense, my actions matter and can change things. But in the universe, nothing I do, including exist, matters in the slightest.

Thing is the life we get is what we put the effort in for. If you're not willing to put any effort in then yes, this is the rest of your life.

Re your finances. You CAN sort that out, you just need to be shown how to push that wheel and there are bodies out there who will help if you contact them.

Whilst I agree the posts the op is making can feel irritating, that's how a lot of people act when they have depression.

It's clear lots of you have (luckily and thankfully) never experienced terrible depression or been near it and I've reported quite a few comments.

If you can't not be a cunt, just don't bother to comment.

You can scream advice at someone who's very depressed all you like, it's going to have a negative effect rather than a positive in most cases.