To think I’ve really arsed my life up beyond repair?

[sandiebeech]

I’ve made so many bad decisions and they’ve led me to where I am now. I regret it.

In tough times, I tend to go back to a basic level - I'm alive - now what can I do to improve on that? There's always something no matter how small.

Look, I have heard the ‘be kind to yourself’ thing before and I think it is helpful to some I am sure.

But for me - no. I have to face up to the fact I’ve ruined my life if I am ever going to claw back some of it.

So after you have faced up to the fact that you have ruined your life so far, what then. You don't have to look long term. You can live in the here and now without focusing on what might or might not happen in the future. You say you are happy enough day to day so why is that not enough for now? Not everything has to have a long term plan. You could just be content with what you have today, or, if you aren't content with it, just make a plan for each day as it happens.

To be honest it doesn't sound like you want to claw something back. It sounds like you are happy with your melancholy view of your life so just embrace it. Accept that this is your life and just get on with it without looking forward at all.

I think there are a lot of people that make crap decisions and have no idea why they make them.

In my case I have had wealth, success and positions of responsibility but I felt constantly anxious, under-pressure and undeserving. I wasn't happy.

I've had lots of changes, I've done lots of different things but I've never been completely comfortable in my life. My life has been exciting - not always in good ways.

I'm not sure I'm materialistic - a big house, nice car and expensive clothes are not truly my priorities. My family have those and aren't happy - they are unsatisfied as someone always has more and don't enjoy what they have.

My Grandmother had a very high powered job but quit to do something very menial. They said she had a breakdown but I think the return to a simpler lifestyle made her happy. She realised she was earning lots of money but there was no time to enjoy it.

I've thought of joining a commune and letting others take away the responsibilities, or wait for someone to come and rescue me!

Some of us (many of us) have been where you are now, some of us now have jobs watching and assisting with hugely distressing life changes, as in proper car crash territory (Not suggesting that your problem isn't in that area) but you are talking 'long term' and long term may never happen.

What is past is past. You have no idea what the future holds. None of us do.

Do you want to languish head first in the sea of despair or float on the surface like a star fish and see the sun? Same sea, same shit different perspective.

sandiebeech But your life is only what happens from today onwards, our past is what shapes us but not what creates the person we are today, that is done by the choices you make from now. I hear that you are regretting some things you have done, yeah, I get that, but you cannot regret something you haven't done, so write a plan, step by step from today how you are going to live. Good luck OP. Take care.xx

Op you don’t want to answer your age because you’re young.

30s I reckon.

You know what are going to say but because you are caught up in a negative cycle, you don’t want to hear. I’ll say it anyway.

You are you. You have time on your side.

Ok so you’re not depressed. You sound numb and depressed. But if you say you’re not, you’re not.

What are you going to do about this feeling of despair though? It are you going to just stay the way you are?

*or

I've tried new starts - the problems just follow on they don't disappear.

I've tried drugs and alcohol - they help initially but long-term make everything worse.

Meditation/yoga/tai-chi have helped me start thinking clearly. Massage helped. Anti-depressants worked but I didn't feel like myself.

I've got my debts cleared - that really helps.

you are young

So after you have faced up to the fact that you have ruined your life so far

This. You can’t change the past but that doesn’t have to dictate your future. I’m convinced the fashion for eyeliner ‘bat wings’ resulted from someone being shit at applying eyeliner.

I’m not being dismissive, you sound low and I know that place well. You need to make your peace with what can’t be undone and try really hard to not let that define who you are. Try to find the person you were before life beat you into submission.

how old are you? Unless you are at the very end of your life, then there is always time to have a fulfilling life. If you have no partner or kids then you can go out and take risks and do what you want to do. Retrian....go travelling...do ANYTHING other than sit in the hole you feel you are in.

Fair enough - you’re skint, lonely and fed up. And you did it all to yourself. That sucks

Now what, though?

Eating really healthily has also perked me up. It put me in a better place to deal with things.

I'm nearly 50. My life is def not want I wanted and I spent a long time recently thinking I've failed to live up to my expectations. I made bad decisions. But I've decided fuck it,. Can't change it. It's easy to forget bad decisions are not made in a vacuum. They are affected by the circumstances, the people round you, the baggage you carry. It's easy to forget that chance and luck play a huge part in this world and other people may make bad decisions but a bit of luck can make it better. As for long term- well there's only a long term if you're lucky.

Many years ago I knew someone like you. She was in a terrible place; in a boring job with a low wage / living with parents who were very controlling / no confidence / overweight / no friends / extremely fond of children (particularly little boys) but with hardly any hope of meeting anyone and having children and a home of her own. One day I asked her what she would love to be (even if it were an impossible dream) and her reply was “nothing really”. I was so incensed at her lack of ambition and hopeless attitude (most likely caused by depression) that on the spur of the moment I suggested that I could see her as being a matron at a boarding school, having the care of lots of little boys – and getting away from home and being paid for it – and to get a copy of “The Queen” or “The Lady” and see all the advertisements for such jobs – and get cracking. This was on a Friday. On the following Monday she shyly told me that she had done exactly as I recommended. In a very short time (behind the backs of her parents) she had applied for a job as an under-matron; got the job and was on her way to freedom – and hope. ( Her father, was heard to remark angrily “I wonder where she got the idea from!” ). The happy end to this was that she married one the masters at the school and had four children.....all thanks to me. Years later, she wrote to me thanking me for changing her life.
So there is hope. If all the Mumsnetters sent similar suggestions (realistic ones!) you are bound to see a way forward. Good luck! And here’s wishing you a happy future sandiebeech!

OP, I don't mean you're literally sitting at home crying. Substitute sitting at home crying with whatever it is you actually do that is not a useful solution.

Have you ever read any Alain de Botton? He introduced a lot of different philosophers to me and I honestly found so much of it helpful. One of the main things I remember reading was that the key is just to be happy. I don't remember the exact quote, but it's something about being alone and happy, in despair and happy, dying and happy. I can't remember who said it, but the concept stuck with me. I guess it is tied to acceptance as others have mentioned above. They key is not about altering our circumstances (which can't always be done), but altering our minds.

I did philosophy at university and I still read some philosophy now, I find a lot of it really helpful.

Thanks to all who left kind messages for me.

Cutie It was a fucking long process, like over a decade, and many false starts and fuck-ups, but I think I was really always determined to get better and so I can't really say what started it, because really, I was always trying to get better. I basically had some form of anxiety/depression since I was a child, so it did take a really long time to make any progress. I'd say a massive turning point for me was moving to Korea - in Korea, you show up to work and you get on with it whether you are dying from lurgy or not. You get 10 days holiday a year, total. It is brutal - but honestly, it's what I needed. Before, I was always making excuses about not being able to work cos I was too anxious etc, but once I was forced into it, I just did it. Now it's been something like 3 years since I took a day off for any kind of illness - considering I couldn't hold a job down for more than 6 months before, that is HUGE for me.

A lot of other things, therapy, self-help, not drinking/taking drugs, not getting involved with assholes... but for me, being forced to work and abide by structure and rules was huge.

Oh I also did a course on mindfulness, that helped a lot. The first few times I thought it was useless, but after a month or so, it really started to help. I still meditate now sometimes (18 year old me would be cringing) and as cheesy as it sounds, I cry sometimes when I do it because my mind feels so clear and it's such a relief.

Sorry OP not massively relevant, just answering a question.

You can change your life totally from A to B, it will take two things : time and You. You might have lost someone in the process of making bad decisions. Maybe you compromised your health. Count your losses but don't start writing your obituary while you are still alive. There are things that can be done. Start living with purpose, make a plan. If you stop being naughty after 2 decades, you still have a number a decades to wriggle around doing good.

Oh it’s you again OP. I don’t remember what you were calling yourself last time but it’s definitely you, and probably you the time before that when everyone said “aren’t you poster x from last month?” and you kept saying you weren’t. Sigh.

All you do on these threads is flatly day everything is shit and nothing will change, then bait and snark at people trying to make you feel better. Why post it on a forum if you don’t want responses? Or what on earth responses do you want if not suggestions? Do you literally just want someone to say “OP sorry you feel shit and that you’ve ruined your life”? As so far it seems responses: can’t say your life isn’t ruined; can’t ask you questions to see if it actually is ruined; and can’t make suggestions for how you could unruin it/make the ruinedness more bearable. So literally what do you want?

My only final suggestion would be to try reading into some Buddhism - everything will be exactly the same but maybe it will give you a different/more disinterested perspective. Or you know, don’t, because you’re not interested in trying anything, because there’s no point.

Sorry but yes it is annoying. You know it is annoying. But you keep doing it again and again. So either you get a masochistic kick out of being scolded, or an ego boost out of being snotty and dismissive, or you jut like wasting people’s time, or... god knows frankly. What do you get, or hope to get, out of posting? You can’t say it’s because you “like talking to people” if you’re not remotely interested in anything that any of them have to say.

Are you the same poster who was complaining about loneliness a few weeks back and then shooting down every single good-intentioned suggestion? If so I don't understand what you want from these threads

ThisIsTheFirstStep thanks for answering. It kind of fits it with what I was imagining, that you just have to start by changing things. Pretty drastic to go to Korea but that way you actually found something that helped. Doing nothing changes nothing.

Ennirem I agree the posting style sounds identical.

Some lovely, wise and inspiring posts on this thread.

no more re cats or dogs. They are very nice but honestly, they are in no way shape or form a solution.

But there is no solution. Just nice things that might make the problem more bearable. Either a pet will make your life more bearable or it wont. If it will then get a pet even if it solves nothing. And if a pet wont make life more bearable then don't.

Pets are great but they can also be an additional responsibility and someone overloaded with responsibilities can just feel more overwhelmed.

I'd say a massive turning point for me was moving to Korea
I think that would be quite a turning point for most people It could be the new LTB!