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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’ve really arsed my life up beyond repair?

324 replies

sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 09:11

I’ve made so many bad decisions and they’ve led me to where I am now. I regret it.

OP posts:
breastfeedingclownfish · 12/10/2018 12:07

Hi Op

If there was one single piece of advice I would give, it would be to do some exercise every day. . Walk, run, swim, whatever. Listen to a podcast or music if you prefer while doing it. It's the one thing that can give me motivation when I don't have it. I know you probably don't believe me but try it. Try it for a week. Do an hour perhaps. 30 mins, 40 minutes. But commit for a week and see.

If I don't exercise regulary I can quickly feel the way you do.

And don't drink too much, especially wine, it wipes any motivation impulses dead.

Ok, that's two pieces of advice.

Flowers to you x

Snowymountainsalways · 12/10/2018 12:08

So lets just say you have totally fucked up your life, and is on a non repairable and permanent way. It happens every single day to lots and lots of people.

They make bad choices, the consequences go far beyond what they even imagine.

It happens to people that didn't choose as well. It happens all the bloody time.

So what to do?

You look it in the eye, the ugliest part of it, you take it on - and you accept it. You surround it with as much love as you can muster. You accept it and learn to live with it. You don't need solutions or a big plan. Nothing.

It is called acceptance and it is very very powerful if you apply it properly to your life.

Have a try and let me know.

Jenasaurus · 12/10/2018 12:08

sorry if I misunderstood. I was responding to this post

*sandiebeech Fri 12-Oct-18 11:34:04

If I had a friend who had run up loads of debt in my name so my finances are in a complete mess I would be fucked off with her and wouldn’t consider her a friend! *

Talith · 12/10/2018 12:08

People give advice like take up a new hobby join a club etc because guess what sometimes is actually works. I think you're determined that nothing can fix your problems because if you accept that maybe something could, then it's another thing to potentially fail at. Safest to believe nothing will work then you don't have to try and fail. I understand where you're coming from, I'm antisocial because it's easier to believe no one likes me than to open myself to get hurt but it does keep us festering in a hole.

cornishmum41 · 12/10/2018 12:09

If I am hearing you right, you are ok day to day, there's no crisis, but it's that you just don't see the point. There's no purpose, nothing to hope for.

Hamandcrispsandwich · 12/10/2018 12:10

When I read this, it sounded like something I would (and considered, but decided against it) write about myself.

I don't really have a life. I simply exist in the world. I have made poor decisions - I'm not sure if they are exactly why I am where I am now, but I do believe some contributed.
The last time I had a face to face conversation was 6 weeks ago and before that, March.
I liked my job, but i'm not sure I was really good enough to do it. I used to work with children and I used to spend every day thinking they deserved better than me.

I don't have a job anymore, I have no kids, I have no friends and I don't really leave the house. I do have tiny waves of happiness, but they're not things I have control over or can continue doing (if you understand what I mean) and are gone now anyway.

I just posted this to show you that there are others that do feel like this too and I do truly hope you're feeling better soon!Smile Flowers

Skyejuly · 12/10/2018 12:13

Hey. 5 yrs ago I made an awful choice after series of events and lost most the things I had. It was dark but the sun rises and sets still. It will get better x

ravenmum · 12/10/2018 12:15

Whaaaaat raven?
Did you have your fingers in your ears when you wrote that?
😂

Original poster
sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 12:15

ham Flowers

jen I feel like we are over complicating the issue. But people kept saying ‘would you speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself’ And my answer was yes, if a friend had treated me as badly as I’ve treated myself.

Which proves why the ‘be kind to yourself’ is not very helpful!

At any rate I don’t know. I have a job and it pays well. However I also live in an expensive area* and so not much left over.
My finances are chaotic** and I don’t know where to start.

I don’t have kids I’ve never even had a proper relationship* and I can go weeks,
Months even, without speaking to anyone properly.

  • moving is not an option as my job doesn’t exist outside of expensive area.

** I’m trying to sort this but by the time I do I’ll be so old I won’t be able to get a mortgage

* and no I don’t want to foster or get a dog, I don’t actually like dogs much (sorry)

**no OD doesn’t work

OP posts:
LittleMissMarker · 12/10/2018 12:15

But for me - no. I have to face up to the fact I’ve ruined my life if I am ever going to claw back some of it.

Well, do you really have to claw it back? That sounds really punishing and not very realistic. It's OK to regret the past but the past is done and it can't/wont be clawed back. Some things really can't be repaired and then people really do have to build the best life they can out of the pieces. So maybe the best you can do is to accept that this is where you are now (bad though it may be) and to see where else you could move on to from here. If you recognise that you made bad choices in the past then you have learned something from 20 years of experience and you can make some better choices now. That may not be much comfort (and it doesn't guarantee that your choices from now on will be perfect either) but it's as good as it gets.

Maybe the best you can do is just to keep on keeping on. Change is an inbuilt part of life so even if you do nothing deliberately yourself, some of those changes that just happen may bring good things to you. "Keeping on keeping on" is very simple advice but it can also be very difficult to do. It can take a lot of effort. Which means that if you can do it then you do have something to feel proud of, instead of only being angry at yourself.

Getting through the day to day but with so much anger at yourself does sound (from the outside) very like moderate depression. Depression doesn't always feel like depression. Cheerful day to day, afraid to think of the future, and very angry with yourself for your past choices. That's very like functioning depression. And how are you not normal? You sound normal (if depressed) so far, but of course you have not shared any details. Being abnormal can make life hard. And surely being abnormal is a mitigating factor in some of the poor choices you have made?

I have no idea if any of that''s helpful, I suspect it isn't. Feel free to ignore. Flowers

lilyheather1 · 12/10/2018 12:16

If you're not looking for help or advice, I'm confused as to why you posted? Though I do hope things look up for you.

Rudgie47 · 12/10/2018 12:16

I think everyone messes up really badly OP, you are not alone there. With friends I think if they have children and you don't then you naturally grow apart because you have less in common. Its part and parcel of life. All a person can do is join or do things that interest you and hopefully you will meet more people you have more in common with. Nothing ever stays the same and friends do come and go in life even really good ones.
I think you sound depressed to me, not abnormal or anything. Could you start with some small things that you want to do? .Also try and live for the day not look too much into the future that's what I do.I find actually going out for the day to be helpful as well.

CSIblonde · 12/10/2018 12:17

Thisisthefirststep
Thank you for saying so. I found you post so accurate as well, as I went thru similar stuff.

Talith · 12/10/2018 12:18

Rescue cat then! Mine was a great prompt to actually improve self-care e.g. go to the shop for food now and then. Also v absorbent if you need a cry although get a cuddly one else it'll have your eye out and add to your problems.

Original poster
sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 12:19

Groan. Please, no more re cats or dogs. They are very nice but honestly, they are in no way shape or form a solution.

OP posts:
Snowymountainsalways · 12/10/2018 12:21

But what can you do? You accept it. You try to embrace it.

So what you made some bad decisions? No one is actually dead because of you, and even if they were, you would have to accept that too in time. Find some forgiveness.

Does making bad decisions make you a 'bad' person? It does just make you human. A human being with a pockets of lack of judgement.

You are being so harsh on yourself. There is a hardness and edge to your posts that worry me (You remind me of how I felt at my very lowest) I hope you are okay as okay as you can be, given your post.
Look, you are working, you are living somewhere, you are paying the bills, you are actually getting through it. You are doing a whole lot better than lots and lots of people. At least give yourself some credit for that.

So we collectively forgive you for what you have done, how about you forgive yourself now?

crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 12:21

Groan. Please, no more re cats or dogs. They are very nice but honestly, they are in no way shape or form a solution.

What solutions have you tried? I think if there aren't any, you might just have to get on with it. Other posters have said that they feel similarly to you so maybe the answer is just path of least resistance- maybe accepting you will feel like this forever with no solutions may be oddly freeing?

wonderandwander · 12/10/2018 12:22

How old are you OP?

You’ve been asked a few times. It will help with responses

Original poster
sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 12:23

Yes but that doesn’t mean that from time to time I don’t bitterly regret what could have been.

OP posts:
Mrsharrison · 12/10/2018 12:23

Yes please stop with "get a pet". They're a pain in the arse half the time. I have to go bed early to avoid my cat who takes over the living room at night.

Original poster
sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 12:23

I don’t want to answer wonder because of the insistence that I am young (I’m not.)

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 12/10/2018 12:24

Agree with snowy mountain re acceptance. There are certain things that can't be changed, and the only option is acceptance.
If you develop a medical condition, your life will change, or convicted of a crime, you will never be able to get that top paying job.

So you just need to find ways to accept and move on, to allow other things to fill those gaps/voids/frustrations.

fifithefoof · 12/10/2018 12:24

Op I thought life was over for me. I'd had an abortion that went horrifically wrong, was in about £60,000 of debt, mugged violently in the space of weeks, a failed suicide attempt I honestly couldn't see how things could get better.

Fast forward 10 years and I'm so happy that some days I burst in to tears and pinch myself.

I (and others) would have said there was no way up and out for me.

Thanks
MadMum101 · 12/10/2018 12:27

Hindsight is a wonderful thing OP.

I'm sure lots of people would make different choices if they had the benefit of it at the time of making them.

fifithefoof · 12/10/2018 12:29

I wouldn't change any of my bad choices, awful as some (and the consequences) have been as I wouldn't be where I am today without them.