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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Emma765 · 12/10/2018 03:11

@User02 are you real? I'm embarrassed for you.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 12/10/2018 03:23

Go and take a couple of covers with you, if anyone says anything give them a cover for their face. I feed at the table all the time, I have tried to use a cover but it was too difficult.

agnurse · 12/10/2018 03:33

For those saying they don't want to see it and there should be consideration:

If you drive past a field and see a mother cow nursing her calf, do you go up to the farmhouse and tell the farmer how DISGUSTING that is and how no one should have to SEE that and can't he put them in a SHED or something?

Of course not! You'd be more likely to say to your child "Look! The mother cow is feeding her baby!"

My mother used a cover in public because that was her preference but nursed openly at home. When my second brother was born my oldest brother was 26 months. Mum was feeding the baby and my brother gave her a worried look and asked, "Is he eating you up?" Mum reassured him that wasn't possible. None of us kids died from watching our mum breastfeed. In fact my sister and I used to "nurse" our baby dolls because that was normal to us. That's what our mum did so that's what mummies did.

If you don't like it no one says you have to look. I highly doubt any woman is sitting there thinking "I want to tempt your partner with my great big leaking jugs".

MrsSiba · 12/10/2018 03:41

Your family's attitudes are like those of my family and it sucks. Been there myself and been told to ' do that upstairs'.

I would just not be bothered with the hassle of it. Stay home. Feed your beautiful baby in peace. Tell them baby comes above all else and they can do one if they insist you come but feed in the toilet.

And well done to you, You're doing an amazing job! ☺

twiglet · 12/10/2018 03:42

Bf is difficult enough without people judging about it.

User your attitude is exactly what makes mothers nervous about being able to go out socialise and feed their baby. If they choose to bf women should be supported not judged for feeding.

Given the terrible bf rates that the UK it's exactly your type of attitude which puts mothers off and can alienate them. Public attitude is still pretty bad in regards to bf in public.
That won't change unless it's challenged. It's perfectly natural to bf in public, it's feeding a baby. Regarding people feeling uncomfortable well that's the society problem if hidden it gives the response that's OK when it's not.
Learn to support mothers and embrace it, I always give a small smile of support if I see a nervous bf mother in public rather than a stare. Just a little way of showing her it's OK. Maybe you should try it next time.

Ps. You most definitely wouldn't have child protection at your door for bf or seeing someone bf.

TheSerenDipitY · 12/10/2018 03:57

Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all.
quite simply because they are not considered, they are not considered by LAW! ( hopefully the same as ours) the law states that breastfeeding is legal anywhere a person may legally be ( in a public place, in a place the public is allowed to enter, etc, it doesnt state "anywhere that a person legally is allowed to be unless someone doesnt want to see"
so for all you folks that dont want to see a baby being fed.... ummmm... stay home and close the drapes... cause if a mother can legally be somewhere then she can feed her baby with out cover and without having to go hide in a room anywhere she wants... even in parliament, while in session

PillowOfSociety · 12/10/2018 03:58

Well done to your Mum! With attitudes like hers , it’s not hard to work out where your DSis got her reluctance to breast feed from!

My children were fed anywhere and everywhere. I was very nifty in just getting the baby on my breast, and it is down right prurient for people to dwell on “Oooh, what if someone sees some boob, shock horror “.

I am glad your Mum is being helpful generally, but you could be feeding your baby for many many months to come. I would be plain and direct with how their warped attitude makes you feel.

LaurieMarlow · 12/10/2018 04:10

if women want to bf why do they really want to do it in public?

Because they want to get out of the house. Nothing will bring on pnd quicker than being cooped up at home. Is this something you want for new mums? Sounds like it. Hmm

you should not assume that the public are all ok with bf in a public place.

So? That's their problem. The mother and baby's rights are protected by law.

When bf breasts are not exactly looking their best.

This is an incredibly telling comment. Breasts do not exist to look good for others. They exist to feed babies.

I think it's fair to say that bfing mothers already know that their breasts aren't at their most attractive. I certainly do. It couldn't be less relevant because I'm not trying to attract anyone. I'd have thought that the post partum period is an unlikely time to be out there, affair seeking.

harrietm87 · 12/10/2018 04:15

user02 are you actually for real? Yes breasts have been sexualised in our society, but they are not innately sexual any more than your hands or lips are. Hands and lips are also “involved in sex in various ways”, but that is not their primary purpose and if anyone suggested you need to cover your hands up because they like a good wank you would think they were totally mental. Breasts are for feeding a baby. There is absolutely nothing objectionable about it, and if you think there is then you’re the one with a problem.

LaurieMarlow · 12/10/2018 04:20

it is concluded”? Who concluded that?

The law, by protecting mother and baby rights to feed. Hope that clears it up for you.

Woman should bf without a big song and dance

What does that even mean? And how is it relevant to the discussion? The OP wants to feed in a restaurant. I must have missed her references to an orchestra and a backing chorus. Hmm

I don’t see where “vulnerable new mother” comes into it. OP doesn’t sound at all vulnerable to me!

All new mothers, juggling the needs of their baby and an unpredictable, radically changed post partum body are vulnerable. Breastfeeding in public in those early days is tough, psychologically and physically.

harrietm87 · 12/10/2018 04:21

OP I think you should ask your mother why her concern for the potential embarrassment of some
random men in a restaurant trumps
her tiny newborn grandchild’s need for food and her own daughter’s freedom to go out in public? My baby was a mad cluster feeder in the early days and I’ve fed him in numerous restaurants, on the bus, the tube, planes, sitting on random park benches and bus stops. No one has ever said anything to me - if they were embarrassed I’ve had no idea, and if anyone had spoken to me I’d have told them where to go.

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 04:24

If women want to bf why do they really want to do it in public?

I don't want to BF in public. I need to feed my baby and unless I stay at home for a year then I'm going to be BF in public from time to time.

Neither of my children would ever accept a bottle if I was anywhere nearby, they would refuse and wait for the real thing. And by refuse, I mean cry. I wonder if people would rather have a screaming baby or a quietly nursing one.

User02 · 12/10/2018 04:30

Of course no one would have child protection to see them for bf but children dont always say things correctly and things can be blown out of proportion by over zealous social workers when they hear a child's version or perception. As soon as the situation was explained it would be acceptable if unfortunate.
What proportion of people could be bf at this time. Maybe 5 per cent so the majority of people at any given time are not bf. What is expected is that the majority have to bow to the minority.

harrietm87 · 12/10/2018 04:53

user02 all that stuff about child protection is nuts.

What is expected is that the majority have to bow to the minority.

Your post assumes that all those who are not bf (the majority) think that those who are bf should cover up. That’s a completely false assumption. As you can see from this thread most people don’t have a problem with it.

As other posters have said upthread, the majority of people aren’t in wheelchairs for example, but that doesn’t mean wheelchair users shouldn’t be catered for, and in fact prioritised. If you posted on here about how you didn’t like seeing people in wheelchairs out and about so they should stay inside you’d be rightly vilified.

Veterinari · 12/10/2018 04:57

My mum said yes, in an ideal world, but we don't live in an ideal world and I have to put up with the sensitivities of the society I live in.

Well the society you live in protects your right to breastfeed in public by law so clearly the sensitivities of newborn babies are prioritised above the sensitivities of the professionally offended.

If a minority of people CHOOSE to be offended by a legal and entirely natural baby feeding they can look away/move away/fuck off. They aren’t sitting there with their heads in a vice.

Why on earth should you and your baby move away to accommodate the sensitivities of bigots?

Show your mum the video Speakout posted Grin

Snitzelvoncrumb · 12/10/2018 04:57

How do you latch a baby on while covered up? I couldn't do it, I had to cover my head as well just while latching my baby. Unfortunately my 3 year old thought I was playing peekaboo and pulled the wrap off my head, while at the table at a restaurant. I don't cover myself anymore, but have worked out how to feed in public and you would have to really be looking to see any boob at all. Honestly since reading an article about men's urinals (public ones in view of everyone) in Paris I don't care if I offend anyone now.

Cuddlykitten123 · 12/10/2018 04:58

**When bf breasts are not exactly looking their best.

Well actually a breast filled with milk with a baby latched is it's best as it's fulfilling it's biological purpose

StoppinBy · 12/10/2018 04:59

USER02 "What proportion of people could be bf at this time. Maybe 5 per cent so the majority of people at any given time are not bf. What is expected is that the majority have to bow to the minority."
How wrong you have it, you are not bowing to the minority, you are, and rightfully so, bowing to the needs of a baby, a baby who relies upon it's mother to feed it wherever it may be..... unfortunately for you, the food which it requires is held where all mammals store/make their babies food.... in the breast.

As a long time lurker I have signed up so I can reply to you. My first child fed only with the help of a nipple shield, that was hard enough to juggle with baby, let alone with a cover, trust me... I tried it, apart from baby ripping the cover off, every time she unlatched so did the shield, you sure would have got an eyeful if you were round me when that nonsense went on. No cover, no fuss, Top opened a bit, bra unclipped, nipple/small portion of breast out, shield on, baby on. All in a matter if 30 seconds and after that you saw less than what half the women around me were probably showing.

My baby was also a small baby who needed to be fed almost on the hour, should Mum's like me stay home all the time so you and your husband or children don't get offended? You sound like a very selfish person.

No woman is putting her needs first when she feeds her baby.

Regressionconfession · 12/10/2018 05:12

I wouldn't go to the meal. Your mum sounds like a arsehole. To be honest, you're doing well to breastfeed if you're surrounded by that sort of attitude.

ohlittlepea · 12/10/2018 05:36

Hey Op,
Have a Google of Holly Mcnish 'embarrassed'
This poem gives me the confidence to feed in public:)
Also the yes Mumma movement.

Your family sound positively Victorian. Well done on giving your baby the safest and best nutrition.

Booboostwo · 12/10/2018 05:44

Let us know the restaurant and the time and we’ll arrange a flash breastfeed!

Blondebakingmumma · 12/10/2018 05:48

This thread is making me so angry 😡
Granny can go eat her meal in the toilet! Oh she doesn’t want to? That’s because it’s disgusting!
I wouldn’t go!

Blondebakingmumma · 12/10/2018 05:51

@user02
I’m appalled that you would put your needs before the most basic needs of a baby. Disgusting attitude

Stillwishihadabs · 12/10/2018 05:56

Oh FFS is this still going on in 2018 ? YADNBU feed where the he'll you like. Do you have a DP to come along to support you ?

User02 · 12/10/2018 05:59

@blondebakingmumma in case you are not aware it is not absolutely essential to bf many babies have survived on ff. I dont disagree with bf. To some it would appear to be the only way. The difference being that no clothes are moved to ff.
Some pp here have no idea that life exists outside their narrow margins