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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
GunpowderGelatine · 12/10/2018 01:11

I’m all for breast feeding where and when, but is it unreasonable to expect a light chiffon scarf draped?

Not at all, if you wanna put a scarf on your head when you eat then go for it. You'll see less breastfeeding that way, so everyone's a winner 🤗

Volant · 12/10/2018 01:11

I’m all for breast feeding where and when, but is it unreasonable to expect a light chiffon scarf draped?

Aintnothing, I'm sure no-one would think it in the least unreasonable for you drape a light chiffon scarf over your head if that's what you want to do.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:11

aargh in the time its taken me to reply to celebelly two posters have come on to suggest scarf/muslin to cover up. WHY? Please explain and don't just say " to cover up" because my question is WHY SHOULD SHE COVER UP?

Volant · 12/10/2018 01:11

Agh, crosspost!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:14

^Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all*

why are people who do not want to see fat people in pubic not considered at all?

why are people who do not want to see women in public not considered at all?

why are people who do not want to see children in public not considered at all?

why are people who do not want to see muslims in public not considered at all?

why are people who do not want to see FILL GAP in public not considered at all

GunpowderGelatine · 12/10/2018 01:16

As an aside, I am loving the language on this thread - whipping boob out, flopping boob out, whopping boob out - it all sounds like jolly good fun, can anyone tell me how to do it? Is there a YouTube video of said whopping? I hope there is, otherwise it's just a ridiculous and emotive word to try and paint the picture of a heathen thrashing her breast around Wetherspoons when poor Nigel is there. When actually, literally no one does that when breastfeeding, you just sit and latch your baby on (boooring, I wanna take part in the flopping)

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:17

i don't want to see smoking or dogs or men who scratch their arses. ( or women who scratch their arses if they exist - I've never seen one)

zzzzz · 12/10/2018 01:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:18

ooh but i do want to see the flopping and whipping ,my boobs are just not whippy enough!!

GunpowderGelatine · 12/10/2018 01:21

YY @garethsouthgatesmrs the whole thing is drowning in misogyny isn't it. It's basically saying that women should assume that the simple and natural act of giving their baby it's dinner will offend so many people around her, strangers no less, and that their feelings are automatically and always far more important than hers. She has to modify her behaviour, routine and connection with that baby to please said strangers, because let's face it who gives a fuck about a woman's opinion - and if you have the audacity to say "hang on, this isn't right" you're an attention seeker who's only out to steal Nigel with your leaky road-map breasts, unwashed hair and baggy eyes.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:22

zzzzz absolutely agree it's fine to cover if you want to cover as it's your body ( I covered with first 2 but tend to bother less with baby 3) I just object to women feeling they OUGHT to cover.

No woman should be made to feel guilty for her own choices regarding the feeding of her own baby.

Beeziekn33ze · 12/10/2018 01:22

Ain'tnothing - I don't think your light chiffon scarf over your head would be a good idea - you'd probably still be able to distinguish a boob through it. You'd better go to the toilet instead.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 12/10/2018 01:22

A boob should be either ‘popped’ out or ‘lobbed’ out depending on size.
Any other word may lead to confusion 😄

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 12/10/2018 01:23

I've spoken to my mum, she was joking about the "toilet" thing, she didn't think I'd take it to heart. However, she does think my sister was thinking about the men in the room who would be embarrassed to see it. I don't really get that, and I said as much, that I should be able to feed her wherever I need to. My mum said yes, in an ideal world, but we don't live in an ideal world and I have to put up with the sensitivities of the society I live in. Again, i don't really understand that, but I'll be calling they restaurant tomorrow to see if there's the possibility of a room to feed her in and if not- I'll be having a lovely dinner at home.

Actually I'll probably just eat a whole apple pie Grin

OP posts:
Aintnothingbutaheartache · 12/10/2018 01:24

Beez 😂😂😂😂😂😂
You obviously misunderstood, I wear my chiffon round my wrist

GunpowderGelatine · 12/10/2018 01:26

Don't forget the flashing gareth! I want flashy boobs

This thread is bonkers. I feed my 21 month old son in public if he wants/needs to and I give no fucks as to if other people are uncomfortable.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:26

yes GunpowderGelatine the sad thing is it took me 3 babies to feel this confident about my babies rights to be fed and this angry about all this stigma. There are plenty of women just about managing to breastfeed (which is bloody hard as it is) but surrounded by these kind of opinions, like the OP, and we wonder why breastfeeding rates are low in this country.

7salmonswimming · 12/10/2018 01:27

I’m amazed that you’re considering going out to eat with a 2.5wk old baby and stitches Shock I was still knackered, unwashed, wearing pajamas and crying all day at that point, and feeds/winding used to take easily an hour a go! Good for you 👍

More relevantly, in your shoes I’d have either stayed at home or, if I really wanted to be there, sat at the end of the table. More room for the car seat/stroller/diaper bag, more space generally for faffing to see what’s going on if baby stirs etc. If she’d needed feeding, I’d have taken her out of the car seat/whatever, lifted up top, latched her on, lowered top so no boob exposed, and got on with my meal. I’d have had to be side on anyway, to get my food to my mouth without reaching over or dropping it onto the baby, and that would have sorted the sister’s boyfriend’s issue. I’d have not given two shits about him (would actually have probably wanted to provoke a bit, although not really the time or place or especially fair), but other people can be put off by it and I’ve no interest in provoking them. I think education about these things happens through normalisation and no fanfare, rather than point-making.

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 12/10/2018 01:27

Usually I wouldn't care, gunpowder, but they're my family. I have always and will always care what they think, even if I wish I didn't! 😕

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:31

OP so sorry you feel you have to find a room. I hope the restaurant reassure you that you can breastfeed in their main restaurant and that your baby has the same rights as the other humans present, to eat their dinner. Please be assured that most of us in the world are not like your very prudish family. I hope in the next few weeks/months you find some fellow breastfeeding mums who help you to get some perspective. Your family love you but they are being very VERY old fashioned arses about this

GunpowderGelatine · 12/10/2018 01:38

I get it OP, it's crap for you though, especially when you've just had a baby you're allowed to be selfish this time in your life! I don't know if you've fed in public yet but what I found helped massively was sitting in front of a mirror at home and feeding so you see what other people will see. I was amazed how little I could actually see, like I was just giving them a close cuddle

LaurieMarlow · 12/10/2018 01:41

Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all.

They have been considered. It is concluded that the needs of people who don't want to see something (and have the ability to avert their gaze) are so far below the needs of a hungry baby and a vulnerable new mother that there's no need to factor them into this particular debate.

Good manners is about not making others feel uncomfortable.

Yes a vulnerable new mother who is simply doing the best she can for her child should never be made feel uncomfortable for doing so.

7salmonswimming · 12/10/2018 01:49

LaurieMarlow

“It is concluded”? Who concluded that?

There’s no difference between prudes who insist that breastfeeding in public shouldn’t happen, and bf evangelists who put bf before all else.

It’s feeding a baby. There’s no need for a fanfare or such a big deal being made of it. Everyone should be considerate, except the baby of course. Woman should bf without a big song and dance, everyone else should leave her to it. Both parties just get on with it. I don’t see where “vulnerable new mother” comes into it. OP doesn’t sound at all vulnerable to me!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:49

I was amazed how little I could actually see, like I was just giving them a close cuddle you are just giving them a close cuddle, I mean that it literally what you are doing!
All of this assumes that people are staring when actually invariably people are looking the other way.

User02 · 12/10/2018 02:46

@garethsouthgatesmrs If breasts are not sexual why do women wear bikinis and not shorts like men? Women wear V necks and other clothes which show part of the breasts but not the nipple or areola so why are those areas covered in normal life? Why does anyone thinks breasts are not sexual when as far as I know most breasts are involved in sex in various ways?

@powerless Thanks for your support of my views. There are a number of young males who are part of the group when we go to a restaurant for a meal out. Some might stare and some might blush. What though if one went to school and said I was with User and saw breasts/boobs. I would have child protection at the door.

If women want to bf why do they really want to do it in public? There has been mention of getting a flash mob of bf mums to arrive at the restaurant. Would that not be a form of bullying by numbers. I don't want in any way to say a mum should not bf, all I am saying is that if you are away from home you should not assume that the public are all ok with bf in a public place. I did not really want to say this but if it makes it clearer it might help people see the alternative point of view. When bf breasts are not exactly looking their best.