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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:
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User02 · 11/10/2018 23:53

@Jillian - I did not feed my baby outside. It is a while now but as far as I can remember I didn't. I was a mum and had to change my life. I cant take a baby to a night club or casino so I did not go. I had to change a lot of my life to fit my role. Feed baby before going out?
If bf mums are all so covered up and not flashing boobs why is it that I have noticed bf mums in the malls when I have been there. To go further I don't have the best eyesight but I do notice. I don't set out to notice.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/10/2018 23:53

I have breastfed for a combined total of 5 years, my family have never put obstacles in my way like this. You should be so proud to even have breastfed this long but if you succeed for a long time you will have the full satistfaction of knowing you did it despite the biggest obstacle, your family have made it so tough for you and they should be ashamed.

Your baby will thrive and have the healthiest start in life because of you and despite them.

If I were you I would go to the meal and feed freely but I can only say that as someone who never had to worry about disapproval so i can only imagine how hard that would be.

Elephant14 · 11/10/2018 23:53

OP will your mum be ringing ahead to the restaurant and making sure they remove any breastfeeders that might not have been shamed enough by their own mums? Or will she simply rugby tackle any lowlife with her tits out shouting "my daughter's boyfriend has EYES!!"? Do you happen to know what her plan is?

Oh and sorry your family are such twats, but glad you have a lovely baby and are able to feed her.

Badfridgesmells · 11/10/2018 23:54

Feed baby at table. Set up a tray ready for the toilet for anyone who wishes to complain to eat in there.

Have some of the smells from my fridge to pop in the loo beforehand Grin

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 12/10/2018 00:03

@user thing is my baby is a cluster feeder, she often needs feeding 15 minutes after she's finished because she'll shut her mouth and refuse anymore but then want more a bit later, and screams until she gets it. So I would have to stay in all the time on the off chance she didn't finish her feed.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 00:04

BREASTS EXIST FOR MILK NOT SEX!

user02 and others like you, if you do';t get that then that is a problem with you not the breatsfeeding mother. You are sexualising a normal biological human experience and if you don't admit this is about sexualisation then why is seeing someones breasts different to seeing their arms or face or knees?

I can't actually believe this thread exists in 2018

Volant · 12/10/2018 00:11

What the hell does your sister think will happen if her bloke gets a brief flash of your boobs? Is he going to be overcome with instant insatiable lust or something? She can't trust him much if she's that bothered about it.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 00:18

It's the saddest indictment of our society that so many women don't breastfeed because they are uncomfortable with it because breasts are sexualised and it feels weird to put a sexual object in their babies' mouths ( if they don't mean that then I would love them to explain why they think its weird/uncomfortable). but they do mean that don't they?

I want to be clear that ofcourse I understand some women cannot breastfeed, its women who won't because they think that breasts are or sex that I take issue with!

Volant · 12/10/2018 00:23

I mean that in the nicest possible way but I've had some friends literally whip full boob out in front of my husband and he doesn't know where to look

Fuxake, is your husband normally that dim? How hard is it to know where to look? Point out to him that most people who are socialising with women look at their faces, not their breasts.

Volant · 12/10/2018 00:41

Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all. Good manners is about not making others feel uncomfortable.

Because it's so unbelievably easy for them to avoid the dreadful sight. No one holds their head in a clamp and forces them to look.

Think about the logic of what you are saying. The likes of Tommy Robinson apparently feel terribly uncomfortable seeing Muslims in public in the UK. Some idiots claim to feel uncomfortable seeing disabled people. We rightly ignore them. Just because equally idiotic types can't cope with the occasional short flash of boob, why should babies have to be covered up? Surely if good manners is about not making people feel uncomfortable, we should be thinking about the comfort of babies? And don't you think that has priority over the comfort of grown adults who can perfectly well avert their eyes if they're that inadequate?

Charliecatpaws · 12/10/2018 00:42

Tell them when you’re ready to bf to take their Sunday lunch to the toilet to eat ‘in a cutesy voice’ I’m sure they’ll be impressed. As for your sister and her feeling ‘wierd’ about it, how the fuck doesn’t she think babies survived in the past??? I so wanted to bf my DSs but didn’t produce enough milk, I never felt any less a mother but feel strongly that any mothers who bf give thir babies the best start in life and should not be berated for it. Crack on OP you are a top mum xx

Placebogirl · 12/10/2018 00:43

Your family are being dicks. One piece of advice, if you do go, try to make sure the table has a little bit of room around it. I had some seriously difficult public BFing experiences in cafes with e.g. fixed booths where the table was so close to the back of the booth there was no room for the baby between me and the table--so having a table where you can push the chair back a little bit (ideally against a wall so you're not being knocked into every 10 seconds by passing waitstaff) is really valuable.

Powerless · 12/10/2018 00:44

@User02 Absolutely agree! What people forget is that the breast and nipple is often on show until baby latches. For some that is a mere millisecond but for others it's much more than that. Then anyone (especially men or boys) sat opposite who ACCIDENTALLY catches a glimpse is going to feel terrified of having been seen and then being called a perv! That's the issue! It's not the dislike so much as the fear of being branded a pervert!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 00:50

Powerless i live in a house full of pervs then, my 7 yr old boy is a perv, my 5 yr old daughter is a perv, my husband probably needs therapy despite the fact he doesn't find breastfeeding a turn on, ( well obviously theres something wrong with him)

Who, in particular, call you a perv for accidentally catching a glimpse of a random female's breast as she feeds her baby? My DH says he has made it to 43 without ever being called a perv(despite much more potentially perceived to be pervy behaviour) so he is interested ( as am I) to know who these people are who dare to label you as such.

Eatmycheese · 12/10/2018 00:54

I would organise a flash mob of breastfeeding mothers to turn up at said restaurant and all faff about getting their baby to latch on. Hopefully your inane mother, sister and her boyfriend will implode while you enjoy your grub. Both of you

GunpowderGelatine · 12/10/2018 00:58

I honestly wouldn't go for a meal with people who'd expect my child to eat in the toilet. And if they're so horrified by a bit of chest in public I assume they're going to ask every woman wearing anything lower than a polo neck to cover up in case boyfriend is offended by that too? Go for a meal with friends or your OH instead. Leave the boobphobics at home

GunpowderGelatine · 12/10/2018 01:01

Then anyone (especially men or boys) sat opposite who ACCIDENTALLY catches a glimpse is going to feel terrified of having been seen and then being called a perv!

This sounds a little bit too much like those mythical men who are scared to talk to women in public in case they're accused of sexual assault. You only need to worry about being seen that way if you are actually a pervert.

Can we all just agree that women need to stop inconveniencing themselves and their children in case some sad act bloke decides he might look like a perv?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:05

Can we all just agree that women need to stop inconveniencing themselves and their children in case some sad act bloke decides he might look like a perv?

I never agreed with anything written on mumsnet more gunpowder

Celebelly · 12/10/2018 01:06

I actually thought that perv post was satire. Now I'm worried it's not.

Lalliella · 12/10/2018 01:06

How are we even having this debate in 2018? A baby feeding from a breast is one of the most natural things in the world. Nobody would object to seeing a lamb suckling from a sheep or a calf from a cow, so why is it a problem with humans? Because of men sexualising women’s breasts for their own pleasure, because of mysoginy, because of prudishness, because of a load of other stuff that anally retentive saddos have invented. Let it go! Stop judging other people!

gluteustothemaximus · 12/10/2018 01:06

Fucking hell. No wonder breastfeeding rates are so fucking low with dickheads like this about.

You and your baby do not belong in the toilet. Feed baby at the table but just throw a muslin cloth over your shoulder or have clothing that makes it discreet.

Your sister is worried about her boyfriend seeing your boobs. Why?? They're just feeding your baby, it's not like your giving him a lapdance and shoving your huge breasts in his face.

They sound fucking awful.

Volant · 12/10/2018 01:07

I hope your sister's boyfriend never dares to read the Sun, or let his eye rest for a moment on adverts featuring women in bikinis. He'd see much more breast that way than he would by sitting at the table with you.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 12/10/2018 01:08

I’m all for breast feeding where and when, but is it unreasonable to expect a light chiffon scarf draped?
Come and get me🤭

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 01:08

Celebelly please let it be satire, then there's not as much wrong with people as I originally thought.

I bet it's not though

GunpowderGelatine · 12/10/2018 01:09

Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all

Because why would you consider the feelings of a small group of people - who may or may not even be around you - who are so incredibly and overwhelmingly thick and illogical? Not to mention they can utilise those neck muscles they have and look away.

Do you think you could tell us exactly what bothers you about breastfeeding?

Is it the skin on display? It can't be - women wear low cut tops all the time, I assume you still go out in public and don't faint at the sight of a v-neck t-shirt?

Is it the mere presence of a baby having its lunch in public? If so do you get equally as offended when someone bottle feeds their baby?

So it must be the nipple, yes? But hang on - we see men's nipples all the time. They are the same kind of nipples as women's. But with a bit more hair. So it can't be that?

Or is it just one of those things that makes your stomach turn? I mean, you can't help that. I'm a bit like that with watching people eat. I have to look at my plate pretty much at all times when eating out as watching people chewing really puts me off. It's unreasonable and inexplicable, but it's how I feel. However, I tell you what I don't do - I don't expect every person chewing to immediately stop so that they don't offend my precious sensibilities. I just sit there and get on with it because the world doesn't revolve around me.

So now I'm out of options - what is the actual issue with breastfeeding in public? Anyone?