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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:

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Tootyfilou · 11/10/2018 22:56

Sending you a very big un mimsnetty hug.
Congratulations on your baby and well done for breastfeeding.
I won’t say anything mean about your family, but I would have been incredibly hurt by such comments.
Its up to you to decide whether to go or not.
Obviously if you go you will feed your baby at the table and this will set a precedent for future occasions.
Don’t feel pressured to please anyone, most of all enjoy your beautiful baby xx

Original poster

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 23:00

Thanks tooty Im quite hurt, honestly don't know what to do! Now if I do go I'll feel worried the whole time she might want feeding, and if she does I'll be uncomfortable, and if I don't I'll be worried about how everyone will talk about me alienating myself!

OP posts:

User02 · 11/10/2018 23:04

@Spanglylycra I could see these comments coming your way as soon as I read your post. My DP would be the same as yours. I know people whose jobs involve seeing all sorts of things, these people are nurses emergency services etc They see bare bodies frequently and for much worse reasons than bf. One thing they always do is cover up any bare bodies or body parts for the dignity of the patient. However when they are out relaxing having a meal in a restaurant for instance they are not comfortable with nakedness in a public place. It is not something a lot of people feel comfortable with. Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all.

Good manners is about not making others feel uncomfortable.

Kitkatmonster · 11/10/2018 23:04

Op, don’t go. It’s really not worth the stress you’re already feeling. Be kind to yourself, you just birthed a human. People forget how hard that is and the toll it takes. Please just consider you and your baby.

Kitkatmonster · 11/10/2018 23:06

They’re not considered because they aren’t relevant to the bf mother. Plus they’re generally adults who, if truly uncomfortable, can resolve that by moving away. A baby needs feeding when it needs feeding.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/10/2018 23:07

Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all.

Ah yes, why do we prioritise hungry babies above adults with immature hang-ups? Such a mystery!

eatthepineapple · 11/10/2018 23:08

Just spray milk at anyone who is staring 😂

Seriously though, go if you feel like you want to but feed your baby how you feel comfortable. When I do try to cover my LG she often just pulls the cover off anyway (then turns her head and exposes me 🙈). Sod the boyfriend, why is his embarrassment more important than your babies need for food?!

Purpleartichoke · 11/10/2018 23:11

Feed the baby at the table. No cover needed.

Babies can breastfeed constantly. There was no chance I was hiding every time Dd needed to eat and I was always hot with a baby attached to me. If someone had suggested I cover, my stare would have been hot enough to alight them in flame.

NoParticularPattern · 11/10/2018 23:14

Eugh. I hate people who say they just don’t want to see it or how it should be hidden away. Do people usually only ever look at other people’s chests?! I mean I don’t have the biggest social circle ever, but I’m pretty sure the last time I had a conversation with a grown up that I spoke to their face and made eye contact. Although they don’t sound very grown up so perhaps that’s where my argument goes out of the window.

Also you know what they can do if they don’t like to see breastfeeding?! They can employ what I like to refer to as “inadvertent nipple evasion techniques”. These involve (amongst others): turning your head, casting your eyes away or employing those revolutionary devices that your face comes equipped with: EYELIDS. Come on people, it’s 2018. You probably saw more boob over your bloody breakfast meeting than you’ll see when someone is breastfeeding!! And if there really are all these males across the land who wouldn’t be able to control them selves at the sight of some boob flesh then I really do despair for the future of society!!

MoaningSickness · 11/10/2018 23:17

Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all.

So if I said I don't like to see adults eating in public then no one should ever eat out? If someone didn't like seeing people walking should everyone have stay home?

People don't have to stop doing normal activities because it 'offends' some nutty person somewhere. Babies have as much right to eat as anyone else (in fact more, because an adult can wait to eat but a newborn really can't).

Badmoonsarising · 11/10/2018 23:18

Remember the inlaws coming to visit for a week when our first was just born and going out for Sunday lunch. I just fed during the meal at the table - looking back now many years later and i do think of my poor inlaws. They never said anything but I imagine they found it a bit weird and uncomfortable - i was in a haze of knackeredness and just winging it hour by hour. Don’t regret it in the slightest- though hope the inlaws weren’t too traumstised.

EwItsAHooman · 11/10/2018 23:18

they are not comfortable with nakedness in a public place. It is not something a lot of people feel comfortable with. Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all.

I've never gotten naked when feeding in public and I've been doing it since 2009. Now wondering if I've been doing it wrong this whole time, I'd have been a fuck of a lot cooler this summer if I could have been getting nailed.

People who don't want to see breastfeeding in public should look away. I don't like seeing underpants sticking out the top of low slung jeans. I don't like seeing those silly little top knot hair styles lots of men seem to have at the moment. I don't like seeing gnarly toe nails and dirty feet in flip flops. I don't like seeing pigeons and their weird little legs. But guess what? I look the fuck away because my likes and dislikes don't trump their right to carry on with their daily business.

I often find the people who bitch and whine about breastfeeding in public are the same people who bitch and whine about babies crying in public.

MemoryOfSleep · 11/10/2018 23:24

Problem is that breasts are sexualised too much in our society. Their primary purpose by design is to feed babies. Your family need to grow up. Attitudes like this are the reason breastfeeding is so much rarer in our country than elsewhere. It honestly makes my blood boil. Particularly as the ones who are most vocally opposed to public feeding often seem to be other women.

I'd go and feed anyway, OP. Heck, I'd make a point of it. My wee one won't tolerate being covered either and it really grinds me gears that people expect her to.

Excuse me while I go and grumble to myself elsewhere.

IamMoana · 11/10/2018 23:25

I wouldn't go. It's their issue, not yours. Enjoy some time at home with your gorgeous baby instead.

Fishforclues · 11/10/2018 23:25

"This reply from Fishforclues cracked me up "I have to say I always disliked BF at the table. Anywhere else, fine, but at a dining table it just felt a bit weird". It's the dinner table. The baby is eating along with everyone else. It's the most un-weird place you can imagine!"

To you maybe, but I'm free to dislike it if I dislike it. I could variously put it down to the table being at the wrong height, or people sitting so close opposite, or the sensation of food going in and milk coming out at the same time, or just wanting my body to myself for 5 mins while I eat. No idea really though, I just didn't like it. I also don't like sprouts, even at Christmas, even though Christmas is the natural time to eat sprouts.

And as I said, I have done it, and I definitely wouldn't take the baby to feed in the loo.

User02 · 11/10/2018 23:26

Just so that it is clear. I am female. I have breasts. I do not want to see any breasts other than my own. I do not want to show my breasts to anyone I am not in an extremely close relationship with. I would not let my DM or Dsis see my breasts. My DF or DBros would not want me showing any part of my body other than what could be seen on a hot summer day. Some of my family are medics.

Again manners are about not making others uncomfortable

AlmostAlwyn · 11/10/2018 23:31

For goodness sake. There's no nakedness involved in breastfeeding! You whip your top up, push your bra down, baby latches on and voila! Baby is eating and no one needs to worry about seeing any gasp nipple unless you're looking really carefully to make sure you've got something to be offended about

EwItsAHooman · 11/10/2018 23:33

My DF or DBros would not want me showing any part of my body other than what could be seen on a hot summer day

And when a baby is latched on, that is precisely all that can be seen.

I do not want to see any breasts other than my own.

Then don't look.

Original poster

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 23:34

But user should your comfort come before the comfort of a baby? I think now that I wasn't being unreasonable. The baby is uncomfortable under a blanket. She'd be uncomfortable if I didn't feed her. She'd be uncomfortable in the toilets. What else can I do, except from stay in my house until she's old enough to eat real food?

OP posts:

MemoryOfSleep · 11/10/2018 23:34

Oh, and another thing sorry for coming back so soon breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world. Never, ever let anyone make you feel that it is shameful or embarrassing (which is what they do when they try to get you to hide it). You are giving your baby the best start in life.

And, to slightly alter a quote from Shazzer in Bridget Jones' Diary, "Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of' em. Tell them they can stick their fucking boob phobia up their fucking arses."

I feel better for getting that off my chest.

Borisdaspide · 11/10/2018 23:35

Why are the people who do not wish to see breast feeding in public not considered at all

Because they are massive fucking losers

ThatWasThat · 11/10/2018 23:36

If you've got feeding sorted at this point, congrats on your good fortune, because many people need a lot longer than that in the most supportive of circumstances.

Your family are making you feel bad which is not okay (mine did that too). My family lost interest in my BF, which helped my sister BF under less pressure. Get on with it, suggest you just shrug and tell them to focus on something else if it's really necessary . You should be focusing on you both eating and sleeping. Everything else will be easier if you are both fed and well rested:)

Original poster

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 23:37

ewitsahooman your typo is cracking me up. I'd have been a fuck of a lot cooler this summer if I could have been getting nailed

I totally get where you're coming from, though, and appreciate your comments 😊

OP posts:

Lalliella · 11/10/2018 23:41

Just so that it is clear. I am female. I have breasts. I do not want to see any breasts other than my own.

Look away then. Perhaps look at a book. Maybe a book about how to get over your weird hang-ups.

Again manners are about not making others uncomfortable

Isn’t this rather hypocritical? You’re trying to make other women feel uncomfortable about breastfeeding in public.

Ariela · 11/10/2018 23:51

Seems to me your sister is not secure in her relationship with her partner and THAT is more of a concern to her than you breastfeeding IMO.

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