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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
reallyreallynow · 13/10/2018 12:52

@lara09 men don't seem to get it!! GrinGrinGrin

Saminsachs · 13/10/2018 12:53

It's all about maturity. Being mature enough to realise that it is just a mother feeding her baby - nothing more, nothing less. Nothing to be offended by, uncomfortable with or anything of that matter...it is just simply that...a mother giving her baby milk. End of.

reallyreallynow · 13/10/2018 12:56

@Saminsachs not sure it's about maturity if my boys when they were teens sniggered etc, they would've had a quick facts of life talk.

I mean the @lara09 comment of men that just don't get it is unbelievably thick, it's the same type of person who says well the girl that got raped was dressed provocatively.

3boysandabump · 13/10/2018 12:58

Must say that occasionally I've whacked a whole boob out because I have fairly big sorta saggy hooters and that's the easiest way for me to get the baby latched on. I try to be discreet with the whacking out part but occasionally strangers may catch a glimpse of my breast. 🤷‍♀️

People only feel uncomfortable because it's not the norm for a lot of people. They're mothers/partners/friends whatever all ff so it's a new experience for them.

But it needs to be normalised for everybody. I have 4 sons and thanks to them seeing me and others bf they won't bat an eyelid at a stranger in a restaurant bf her baby because to them it is normal. As it is for my husband/father/friends husbands etc.

In the Victorian times women were covered from ankle to neck. When the fashions started to change there will have been people who felt uncomfortable seeing a ladies calves. Nowadays nobody bats an eyelid because it is NORMAL.

So I'm proud to be sat there whacking my tit out making someone feel uncomfortable because maybe if he catches sight of enough bf babies he will begin to realise that it is perfectly NORMAL

speakout · 13/10/2018 13:03

Not sure it's about maturity.

I remember when my son was around 14, coming in from school, tired, slumped himself on the sofa where my friend was sitting breastfeeding her baby.
They started talking, I was watching and listening.
Halfway though the conversation my friend switched breast sides for her baby, latched her on again and they continued talking.

My son was aware what was going on, was totally unphased, I could see he wasn't giving it a moment's thought.

But then he has grown up from an early age seeing lots of women breastfeeding.

Children need to see this from an early age.

theconstantinoplegardener · 13/10/2018 13:44

Haven't read the full thread, but I think in these circumstances I'd just compromise and cover up. You definitely shouldn't have to feed in the toilets, but lots of people do feel uncomfortable around exposed breasts so I think it's nice to consider their feeling too (and I say that as someone who breast-fed all of my children for over a year each). Breastfeeding in public probably wasn't really done in your mum's day so it's understandable that she is struggling with the concept now. When your baby is older, she will probably pull the blanket away so you won't be able to cover up, but your family will be more used to the idea by then. But well done for breastfeeding, it's so worth the hassle, for you and your baby!

Bekstar · 13/10/2018 14:20

Id be saying "I'll feed baby where I wish to feed, feeding in a toilet is not hygienic and not advised, breastfeeding in public is encouraged and allowed and I didn't expect my own family to be so discrimate to it considering you have all had or gonna have children of your own. If you don't want t your boyfriend seeing my boobs I'd be looking more at why you are so insecure about him around other women. If you really can't trust him however you could always let him take his meal to the toilet to eat,

reallyreallynow · 13/10/2018 14:52

@theconstantinoplegardener

Haven't read the full thread, but I think in these circumstances I'd just compromise and cover up. You definitely shouldn't have to feed in the toilets, but lots of people do feel uncomfortable around exposed breasts so I think it's nice to consider their feeling too (and I say that as someone who breast-fed all of my children for over a year each). Breastfeeding in public probably wasn't really done in your mum's day so it's understandable that she is struggling with the concept now. When your baby is older, she will probably pull the blanket away so you won't be able to cover up, but your family will be more used to the idea by then. But well done for breastfeeding, it's so worth the hassle, for you and your baby!

Why on earth must OP manage others peoples feelings about her feeding her child, should she ask for permission when they may feel like they can deal with the horror of a mother doing the natural thing of feeding her child. When they've "got used to it" she can do it?

Utter bollocks, she doesn't have to cover her child, they don't like it get them to cover their heads!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/10/2018 15:14

Weird! So many choices for adults to make about growing up and just acting like sane human beings.

We don't have kids (choice) so never had this discussion but, over the years, many friends have breastfed when out socialising. No problem. Yes DH was caught staring a couple of times and when challenged his only response was "Who wouldn't stare. It is beautiful. A tiny human being, growing right in front of your eyes"

Yeah, he got some stick for being a soppy git, but what else is there to see when a baby is being fed? And yes, DH was often caught staring at bottle fed babies too, same reason, a baby is an amazing creature when you really look at them!

OP - tell you mum not either invite you or not invite you as you really are, rather than the weirdly sexualised creature your DSis has imagined. You never know, her OH may have no idea what the hell is going on!

IsBabyHereYet · 13/10/2018 15:18

The wired cover really worked for me, it might or might not for your baby, every baby is different.

Seriously op, please just feed your baby at the table, you want a nice family meal, your baby and you don't deserve to miss out because they are STUPIDLY worried they might see a bit of boob whilst your baby gets fed!

IsBabyHereYet · 13/10/2018 15:25

If breastfeeding offends you...
Do these women offend you too? Because those tops show more breast than you will see when the majority of women are feeding their babies...
If they are offended then you had better avoid all restaurants, nightclubs, cafes, well pretty much any public place tbh!

Breastfeeding at table
Volant · 13/10/2018 15:48

lots of people do feel uncomfortable around exposed breasts

Really? How do they cope on beaches, or when looking at bikini and suntan lotion adverts, or indeed if they catch a glimpse of the cover of Playboy or Page 3 of the Sun? Because you see a hell of a lot more breast in those circumstances than you do when you see a baby breastfeeding.

speakout · 13/10/2018 15:49

*reallyreallynow

Breastfeeding in public probably wasn't really done in your mum's day so it's understandable that she is struggling with the concept now.*

Interesting- as a mother herself she would have seen lots of nipples- her own, maybe close family members, her own children.

Hard to imagine it's the sight of a nipple itself that causes her concern, or indeed the physical act of breastfeeding.

Could it be a concern about what others are thinking - or judging rather than offence to the grandmother herself?

reallyreallynow · 13/10/2018 16:05

@speakout that wasn't a quote from me I had a bold fail, it was @theconstantinoplegardener.s quote.

I'm totally in the camp of you feed your baby everywhere and anywhere for five mins, 2 hours, 15 times every 10 mins! Whatever suits your baby.

Anyone else can go put a cover their own heads and leave mother to feed baby naturally!

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 13/10/2018 17:06

I love the panda poster 😂😂

OP posts:
speakout · 13/10/2018 17:11

reallyreallynow

Sorry.
The point is I am making though is trying to explore the feelings of the grandmother.
Is she offended herself- or more worried about others judging?

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 13/10/2018 17:24

My mum was born in the 60's, I think she saw quite a bit of nipple! Especially at Glastonbury, from the stories I've heard

OP posts:
reallyreallynow · 13/10/2018 19:00

@speakout I see! Sorry!

Honestly I think people think they should be embarrassed or uncomfortable! When I asked @Floaty2018 down thread really tell me what's uncomfortable or embarrassing she just couldn't! People need to be challenged and asked but why do you feel that way? Make them look at themselves and the they may go actually I don't know, I'm wrong.

speakout · 13/10/2018 19:05

reallyreallynow

Yes- and this is what I find interesting.

My mother was very uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in public.

Yet she had no issue with me breastfeeding in front of her at home- and she had breastfed herself and raised two girls.

Yet if I breastfed in public while she was there- she would squirm, tut, throw me scarves etc.

So I am wondering if her issue is not with breastfeeding per se, but with the attitudes of others which may reflect on her.

Is it to do with maintaining public standards? Grin
Just rambling here, feel free to ignore

garethsouthgatesmrs · 13/10/2018 19:19

lara09 oh dear, I think it's you and your ilk who don't seem to get it

MyDressHasPockets · 13/10/2018 20:33

I spent many meal out bfeeding at the table. My in laws made it quite clear that they didn't approve but there was no way that I was going to go elsewhere as DS would easily be latched on for 40 minutes at time. They are cunts and I knew that if I left the table by the time I came back my food would have been cleared away and they would be on to coffees. Bfeeding was an inconvenience and immodest. I ignored them and fed whenever and wherever baby needed and eventually MIL got used to it. SIL never did but I don't care. They were also aghast that I continued bfeeding until DS was 4yo but by that point they knew not to comment on it.

cherish123 · 13/10/2018 23:59

I think breastfeeding at a table whilst eating is probably poor etiquette. You don't have to go to the toilet but could move away, feed before the meal or express with a pump. These are things i did and it worked well.

Weenurse · 14/10/2018 00:04

Breasts are for food, not for fun. Baby comes first, adult preferences second.
Feed wherever and whenever you need to

GunpowderGelatine · 14/10/2018 00:05

@cherish123 why is a baby having its food when everyone else is poor etiquette?

Also not everyone wants to or can express. And doing this runs the risk of mastitis, an excruciating infection which can make the mother very ill. But as long as the prudes are happy that's all that matters Hmm

Rebecca36 · 14/10/2018 00:16

I've no objection to people feeding in restaurants, sometimes you can't even tell they're doing it, they don't pull out a boob and spread it on the table, they do it neatly.

However the baby may not need to be fed during dinner. Might be quite happy feeding before and after. So let's wait and see what happens.