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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:
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9
sola82 · 13/10/2018 08:33

The views of so many women on this thread is why I end up staying home so much with my baby and why I have ended up feeding my baby in the toilets several times. I've ended up feeling v isolated which has contributed to my PND.
My baby won't tolerate a cover, and I've never been in restaurants with this mysterious side table where I can sit on my own and be seen by nobody.

Aftereights91 · 13/10/2018 09:12

Oh FFS!! Your all out to lunch, baby is also out to lunch, everyone can pissing eat together and if they don't like it it's tough tits. I'm angry on your behalf op, stop trying to placate your family, they should care about your baby having the best nutrition and health and feeding in a toilet doesn't match that. I honestly if anyone complained about me feeding baby in a restaurant have a plan, I will very calmly unlatch baby, pass to dh, go to offenders table, remove their meal, and place in bathroom, because I find their comments offensive and would prefer them to eat in the toilet out of my line of sight. I suggest this might be a good plan for you to implement

speakout · 13/10/2018 09:21

sola82

I am sorry that you feel like this.

I ran a breastfeeding group for several years. One of the things we did was to operate a breastfeeding buddy scheme. So a new or hesitant woman could go out for coffee or busy places with another experienced, confident breastfeeder.
It really helped women gain their confidence to sit with another woman who was also breastfeeding.
Our confident members were always happy to buddy a new mother and show her how to claim that idea of breastfeeding in public.

Do you have a breastfeeding group near you?

Even if your local breastfeeding group does not have a buddy type system, I am sure if you asked if anyone was willing to meet for a coffee to help with your confidence you would get a response.

Everyoneiswingingit · 13/10/2018 09:31

Don't go and buy something new to appease people who are in the wrong.

lara09 · 13/10/2018 10:33

@JillianHoltzmann is covering up at the table that much of a big deal though ? I do think they are over reacting but I'm guessing sisters boyfriend could feel awkward I know my bf would feel uncomfortable if someone opposite him wacked there boob out, men don't seem to get x

DD2017 · 13/10/2018 10:33

Sorry to hear this... you're doing amazing!! To even contemplate going out in the first 2 weeks when it's most difficult and you're stuck to the couch.. well done mumma!!
It sounds like you have the confidence to feed outdoors which is awesome. It took me around 8 months to get there.
How much do you want to go?
If you're not fussed then don't go and tell them they're being unreasonable; don't hide their stupidity from them.
If you really want to go then ignore everything they've said and feed with pride...
You may wish to direct your sister to the bathroom when she wants to feed her baby 😂.
Either way; try not to let it get to you as there will be plenty more comments like that. Tell them you disagree with their narrow minded uneducated dark ages view and do what you like.
Keep us posted on the outcome!!

speakout · 13/10/2018 10:37

lara09

"Whacking" a boob out?

Really?

And yes it is a big deal.

Why does the OP need to cover?

I don't pander to people with bad attitudes.

HellenaHandbasket · 13/10/2018 10:41

"don't seem to get it"? Only dim ones I would posit.

Spanglyprincess1 · 13/10/2018 10:46

I breastfed from two weeks old in public with my first. A screaming child is way worse than a quiet feeding one. I ahve big boobs, G cup boobs and covering dosnt work, it's a faff and baby hated it plus early days I needed two hands to feed.
Hoenstly I have never had anyone comment bar my sister's fella when I was in my own home.
Boobs are not really that interesting really, people need to get over it. Shirtless football men in the summer and bikini tops in pubs with hot pants are way more sexualised and completely tolerated.

LaurieMarlow · 13/10/2018 11:08

is covering up at the table that much of a big deal though

It can be yes. The pressure to can make feeding more stressful.

I'm guessing sisters boyfriend could feel awkward I know my bf would feel uncomfortable

I just don't think bfing women should have to spend a second worrying about immature men who feel awkward.

They have enough on their plate what with the birth recovery, getting used to a post partum body, the responsibility of keeping a tiny baby alive, the physical and emotional challenges of feeding.

Can't the men just manage themselves in this situation?

I think it's deeply misogynistic to expect women to be considering the menz feelings on this issue when she has so much else to be focusing on.

ethelfleda · 13/10/2018 11:11

men don't seem to get

My DH understands it just fine Hmm

Aftereights91 · 13/10/2018 11:14

Some babies don't like being covered either, I used a cover at first when I was getting the hang of feeding and she'd just scream and pull at the cover and not feed.

Everyoneiswingingit · 13/10/2018 11:16

My DH does too. ethel

JassyRadlett · 13/10/2018 11:18

I'm guessing sisters boyfriend could feel awkward I know my bf would feel uncomfortable if someone opposite him wacked there boob out, men don't seem to get

Don’t insult men. Most are functional adults who can cope just fine with a breastfeeding mother.

Saminsachs · 13/10/2018 11:32

People always want to see your breasts, until you're feeding a baby, then it's considered inappropriate!

Breastfeeding women are setting an amazing example. And if people don't see it, it will never become normalised.

Breastfeeding is beautiful and so natural and absolutely nothing to feel 'uncomfortable' or 'awkward' about seeing.

SidSparrow · 13/10/2018 11:40

"Usually I wouldn't care, gunpowder, but they're my family. I have always and will always care what they think, even if I wish I didn't! 😕"

Baba comes first surely not?

I had hangups at first because my family get embarrassed at everything! So I would hide and get really stressed. But then I thought f this and f them. It's their issues not mine. My baby comes first. They can look away and squirm and I'll concentrate on the baba.

You know I bet the bf doesn't even care, most people don't, sounds like your sister is prissy as fook. And your Mum should be backing you up.

GunpowderGelatine · 13/10/2018 11:42

men don't seem to get

Here's a radical idea, try not to be too alarmed...sometimes we don't have to be dictated by what men want 😱 I know. Mind blowing.

GunpowderGelatine · 13/10/2018 11:42

Also if your OH is uncomfortable about a breastfeeding woman around him he is incredibly dim

Boulty · 13/10/2018 11:57

Wow what a grandmother....she feels it is ok for a baby to eat in a toilet!

Don't go or educate them to hygiene and why feeding a baby in the toilet (or anyone) is not a great idea. Perhaps also tell your sister and her boyfriend that guess what breasts aren't just for looking at/sexual things but actually have a real purpose as well.

I feel for you having family like that.

Boulty · 13/10/2018 11:59

Whomever said 'men don't get it'..... I disagree sensible, grown up men get it - dipsticks/idiots take your pick are the ones that don't get it.

tashac89 · 13/10/2018 12:04

I find it really sad that so many people freak out at seeing boobs used for purpose. Flashing cleavage on a night out? Fine. Topless waitresses at bachelor parties? Fine. Topless in magazines and nudity scenes on TV? Fine. But feeding a baby? OH EM GEE PUT THOSE THINGS AWAY. What a strange world we live in.

SusanneLinder · 13/10/2018 12:06

WTF, your mum and Sis want their grandchild/ niece to have their dinner in a toilet? Hmm.
Dear God! I have 2 grandchildren who were both bf, and another on way, and would never even dream of suggesting such shit!
Luckily the males in our family are mature enough not to faint over a bloody boob!
How ridiculous!

Saminsachs · 13/10/2018 12:18

Rather than going to the toilet, or covering the baby with a huge blanket, or turning the chair around, or finding a sofa (some of the suggestions on here) so that someone won't be 'offended' or made to feel 'uncomfortable' maybe just do it, then hopefully, finally, it'll be, as it so should be, normalised. And there won't be any of this immature crap.

Volant · 13/10/2018 12:36

I know my bf would feel uncomfortable if someone opposite him wacked there boob out, men don't seem to get

Who the hell ever whacks their boob out when breastfeeding? And why is this ridiculous phraseology always used by those who are against breastfeeding at public venues?

If your boyfriend doesn't "get" it and would feel uncomfortable, then maybe he needs some practical experience and also needs to grow up. A few weeks ago I was at a works do in a local bar attended by several of my male colleagues. When a female colleague started breastfeeding her baby, none of the men was in the least bothered, and we all carried on talking and enjoying our evening. If this is something that all men struggle with, how come all those blokes obviously had no difficulty at all in getting it?

TAMS71 · 13/10/2018 12:50

Like others have said I'm presuming like when most babies are being breastfed you can hardly see the boob (usually just the top bit), in which case it's barely noticeable. But I have once or twice seen someone expose the whole breast very openly for ages in public, which I think is unnecessary.