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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Hodnett32 · 12/10/2018 22:30

The grown thing to do would be to talk about it. Say to your mum and sister - am not happy feeding in the toilet and/or covering up but I also respect your feelings. What can we come up with that makes us all okay?

wildchild554 · 12/10/2018 22:31

Your doing nothing wrong just feed as normal how you and your baby are comfortable. Their problem not yours. Had this same issue with my dad's girlfriend and just fed as normal. No one sees anything anyway when babies feeding and I often had people going aww how cute then to to say oo sorry didn't realise you were feeding him.

Lethaldrizzle · 12/10/2018 22:32

The grown up thing to do is to breast feed at the table and pay no heed to the twats who's rather you feed in the place where people piss and shit.

Lethaldrizzle · 12/10/2018 22:33
  • Who'd
Dobbythesockelf · 12/10/2018 22:39

Well this descended into complete and utter nonsense. Feeding 3 feet away from people at all times. Playing musical chairs with a hungry baby. The sound of babies feeding making people feel sick. Seriously what is wrong with people. Babies need to eat. It is biological normal to use your breasts to feed babies. As a society we have sexualised breasts. It's disgraceful that this is happening in 2018.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/10/2018 22:44

Hodnett32 sometimes people are just plain wrong and there is no need to respect their feelings. If someone asked me not to bring my DH to a wedding because he is black the grown up thing wouldn't be to have a discussion and ask what they suggest, the grown up thing would be to say, "no, I will not do what you ask" because they would be wrong.

AlmostAlwyn · 12/10/2018 22:58

Well done you "just stating my opinion" people. A new mum is now more worried than ever and is considering just staying at home. What new mums definitely need is isolation and the threat that there'll be a tutting, offended person on every other table. Hmm

Jillian, despite what it might seem from what you've read here, the vast majority of people won't notice and won't care if they do. Sounds like your sister might have some hangups generally, so the sooner you get her used to the fact that you're breastfeeding the better. Perhaps she'll then learn that there's no flopping or whipping involved, and no, you're not going to remove your top and bra completely...

I do hope you go to the lunch. Try to relax and enjoy yourself. You deserve it!

Lotusflowerxx · 12/10/2018 23:26

User02 you need serious help.
Women breastfeed, get the fuck over it.

Thehop · 12/10/2018 23:29

I’d agree to a cover to protect them. How about a bag? Aldi do big strong ones for 50p that would cover them all nicely.

Thehop · 12/10/2018 23:30

You are doing a fucking amazing job feeding your baby the very best milk that there is. You deserve to be celebrated not locked away. Small minded morons.

Oh and does your ds really think her bf can’t cope with boobs? Will he be relegated a gibberish wreck? Has he never seen any before? Either he’s a nob or she is.

staceyflack · 12/10/2018 23:57

I wouldn't go... you should show your sister & mum our responses so they can see how rubbish they are being. If your sis is that insecure around her partner, god knows why they're having a baby! Good luck. I'm with the topless pizza idea.

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 13/10/2018 00:12

I will be trying the tank top under a normal top on Sunday, if that doesn't work buying a hooped tent thingy

OP posts:
UatuTheWatcher · 13/10/2018 00:43

THeres some on here who would have loved me. I’ve fed my kids just about everywhere from my lounge to the table at a 3 Michelin Star restaurant. I’ve fed at big family events and kids sports days. I’ve fed in the park and at the doctors. The Natural History museum and a posh golf club, the officers mess on a navel base and the cafe of the local supermarket. I was an elder in my church and fed during services and on one memorable occasion while I was handing out the communion wine and bread. I’ve fed in meetings in front of the minister and as part of the towns Church Collective in front of ministers and vicars and reverends and other church leaders. On one occasion I was standing feeding and chatting to the bishop. I didn’t flash anyone or ‘whop’ them out I very discretely fed my babies including tandem feeding a baby and a 2 year old.

ManaFleet · 13/10/2018 00:47

I must admit that I'd be really pissed off at their lack of support for your choice to ebf. Your breasts mean pretty much everything to your baby - they represent so much more than food, they're comfort and connection as well.

I don't understand how women are so weird about it, though men are taught from childhood that breasts are actually called tits and are entirely for their enjoyment. So, if boyfriend is embarrassed, he can look away. Your mum & sister should be supporting you in every way possible.

I'd stay at home and have a lovely relaxed family day with your baby. If they need an explanation, you can say that you're not comfortable with their decision to exclude your baby from the meal.

ruthieruthuk · 13/10/2018 01:32

Really good to see lots of support for breastfeeding mums here. Smile

If this was my family I wouldn’t be going, leave them go have their meal on their own!

smotheroffive · 13/10/2018 03:41

I suggest once you get baby latched on nicely and are positioned opposite the 3 offended mites the moment you feel the let-down you whip baby off briefly and liberally spray the bloody sniffy bunch!

First though congratulations! I think it's amazing you are considering going out so soon. Go you! Please please don't be put off by them, I can't believe a mother could behave so childishly and pa to her newly become proud mum dd. Wtaf.
I say stick to whatever you feel comfortable with, because you happy is baby happy and you have enough to get to grips with without their weird attitudes to something so beautiful and natural.
Do what makes you comfortable. One if the biggest adjustments for me was to stop worrying about what everyone else thought because the baby matters more, especially when it comes to feeding in the early days.

Be happy. Is all. oh yeah, and screw them!

Angelicinnocent · 13/10/2018 07:18

I find it so sad that we are having this conversation in 2018. My DC are older now and when I was bf it was still considered a bit hippy etc. Midwives were just starting to explain the benefits to new mums and try to encourage it.

I ended up moving to FF after a month as I couldn't stand being stuck at home any longer and I was made to feel so uncomfortable feeding in public, particularly by my mother.

I had hoped that by the time my DD and (theoretical) DIL were at the point of having babies that the world would have moved on. I'm glad it's protected in law now but some people still need an attitude readjustment.

OP, do what feels right for you and your baby. That's the only opinion that matters.

Saminsachs · 13/10/2018 07:26

Do your thing,OP! Please don't panda to them - it'll send completely the wrong message about breastfeeding. I breastfeed my 7 week old baby anywhere and everywhere and tbh a lot of the time I feel nervous and check to see no one's giving me funny looks. A few days ago,I was breastfeeding in a supermarket and feeling very sekf-conscious and a shopworker gave me a chair and a glass of water. I nearly cried :)

Honestly people. ..be kind! These are mothers feeding their babies. They should be admired,not made to feel like outcasts.

speakout · 13/10/2018 07:29

Please don't panda to them
Made me smile.

Breastfeeding at table
Saminsachs · 13/10/2018 07:52

Oh dear - not even an auto correct fail - I thought it was actually to panda (just googled it-eeek! )

NeeChee · 13/10/2018 07:54

My sister BF her two, anywhere and everywhere, plenty of times when I was with her and I never saw her breasts. Just tell them to look away a little bit when baby is latching on and has finishing feeding. That's all I did, just looked at her face instead (not that I was staring at her chest but YKWIM), more for her privacy than prdudishness, they're just boobs after all.
With a two week old, baby is not going to be flailing about or trying to turn its head to look at other family members, thus exposing your nipples!

speakout · 13/10/2018 07:54

Sorry, I didn't mean to criticise, just found it a little funny.

Lostinlondon999 · 13/10/2018 08:03

I bf all my children, I’m definitely FOR breastfeeding.
I didn’t care where I was or what I was doing. On the school runs I’d be breastfeeding whilst walking down the highstreet and pushing my other child in their pram. I wasn’t usually covered whilst walking.

BUT when I see a bf mother I have a mixture of emotions. Beauty, pride, love, natural and also slight discomfort. I totally understand that’s my issue but I am aware that some people do find it uncomfortable. Not the actual feeding of the baby, but seeing another woman’s breast. As we grow up we are taught that certain parts of our body are private. That becomes embedded on what we find acceptable.

When going for a meal or when I had friends and family round I would usually cover, not all the way but enough so that my FIL or my own father couldn’t see my breast.

When a woman begins to breastfeed their breast is no longer their own, you detach yourself from the sexualised image. Just because a bf mother does this, it doesn’t mean the rest of the population can. When my breast popped out during the the time I breastfed I couldn’t have cared less, now I’d be mortified.

If anyone would have commented on me bf in public I think I would have flipped on them. They are a total bunch of inconsiderate arseholes. Opinions to themselves please! Thankfully I never experienced that. But I think an awareness is important.

Respect the fact that I’m breastfeeding in public and I accept the fact that you may feel uncomfortable.

darceybussell · 13/10/2018 08:07

I do the two tops method (or I wear a top from an online company called the B Shirt) and I'm fairly confident that no one ever sees anything when I'm feeding. To be honest though I do that more for me than for any hypothetical offended other diners. If anyone was to object I'd be pretty pissed off, but no one ever has!

Just wear two tops OP and if they still object they're objecting to the idea of you breastfeeding rather than because they're actually seeing any boob, which surely they won't dare to do!

jwpetal · 13/10/2018 08:08

Feed with confidence and people will not bother you. Show you look uncomfortable and worried and you will see reactions. I have fed 3 children in very high end restaurants and air planes, park benches etc. Never had a comment and if there has been a look, I have ignored it. If anyone suggestions a bathroom advise them to go eat their dinner their. As for the grandparent, tell her about all the germs etc that are in a toilet and would she really want her grandchild exposed to that. I also suspect that it is the sister and her guilt about not wanting to breastfeed more than the boyfriend seeing breasts. those are everywhere and easy to see if you look. Just ignore and feed your child as you like and ignore the awful naysayers.

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