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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:
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zzzzz · 12/10/2018 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reallyreallynow · 12/10/2018 07:52

@MandalaYogaTapestry are you just being goady or are you the sister? I can't work out if you are?

It won't be "this one time" it'll be every time her ridiculous sister is there and she's scared her BF will see OPs boob....would you not say that's just totally ridiculous??

LisaSimpsonsbff · 12/10/2018 07:53

Do you really want to spend the next 6 months/year/2 years/longer looking for a separate breastfeeding room everywhere you go with there people? Few places will have them, and why would you want to go for dinner with someone and then spend 3/4 of your time in a separate room from them staring at the wall?

Agreed. Tbh I think this request is going to confuse the pub - they're going to think you want a private room for your whole party, not just for you to go sit in on your own!

zzzzz · 12/10/2018 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutsSelf · 12/10/2018 07:54

People thinking bare greats are inherently sexy need to pop down to a nudist colony. They are possibly the most unerotic places on earth. A beach with a load of bikinied breasts is loaded with 100% more erotic charge. lBreasts are sexualized in part by being covered. Letting them bob about in an ungainly way is a brilliant act of reclaiming them as incidental parts of our bodies, rather than loaded weapons that we need to protect others from lest they are compelled to assault us. I reckon that people are uncomfortable when seeing breast feeding because they have all these ideas about breasts that are actively being chaĺenged by the ungainly lump of flesh in front of them. They are basically like children saying please don't ruin Santa for me! Cept without the naive charm. Whip them out with impunity I say

zzzzz · 12/10/2018 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fieau · 12/10/2018 08:05

@user02 I am actually gobsmacked at how ignorant you are. Thank god I don't know anybody like you in real life.

yikesanotherbooboo · 12/10/2018 08:09

I fed 3 babies over 5 years everywhere. No scarves or covers; no comments. I am pretty sure that if in fact anyone noticed they just carried them n with their day. The reason laws have been made is because civilised thought considers that breast feeding in public in the UK is desirable and should be accepted by all. Those who are not 'on the page' are the ones with issues not the mothers.
Not only that, your family are very disrespectful of you and your baby.

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 12/10/2018 08:13

Struggling to see issue with feeding at the table.

IsBabyHereYet · 12/10/2018 08:14

Omfg @User02

Turn away, don't look at the 'nakedness'

What exactly are you doing staring at people tits anyway, it's rude weather they are clothed or not!

I'm not starving my baby for your ridiculously perceived Ill manners. 😡

alwayswingingit · 12/10/2018 08:15

Bloody check. I just wouldn't attend the dinner. Anywhere I've gone and my baby's been hungry I have fed him! I try to be as discreet as possible as I don't actually want people looking at me. If that means feeding on the bus, table,library, shop...wherever! I will do it. It's not like you're in public, you're indoors in a place where you should feel at home. I would just cancel my attendance

cheminotte · 12/10/2018 08:16

Great post @Outsself !

Lost5stone · 12/10/2018 08:21

Some people are seriously fucking weird about breastfeeding.

Seriously my toddler smothering her face with peas and ketchup is much more offensive...

Volant · 12/10/2018 08:21

However, she does think my sister was thinking about the men in the room who would be embarrassed to see it. I don't really get that, and I said as much, that I should be able to feed her wherever I need to. My mum said yes, in an ideal world, but we don't live in an ideal world and I have to put up with the sensitivities of the society I live in

It sounds to me as if the reality is that your mother does sympathise with your sister, for all that she says otherwise. I think her perception of sensitivities is very much seen through her own filter and that the reality is that society is much less sensitive than she thinks; and if people are that sensitive, it is they who should put up with the non-event of someone breastfeeding, rather than vice versa.

Fieau · 12/10/2018 08:23

Agree with poster above who said society doesn't care like she thinks they do. I've never had so much as a sideways look when I've been feeding my baby in public.

Looneytune253 · 12/10/2018 08:23

Wow that’s awful. Tbh I would feel so sad my family thought so little of me and my baby!! And does your sister think her bf is some kind of pervert or something?

Volant · 12/10/2018 08:29

There are a number of young males who are part of the group when we go to a restaurant for a meal out. Some might stare and some might blush. What though if one went to school and said I was with User and saw breasts/boobs. I would have child protection at the door.

No, you wouldn't. Social services would even be called, due to the fact that teachers aren't that stupid. It's a terribly unlikely scenario at all, given the tiny amount of breast that's actually on show when someone feeds, but if a teenager announced that he'd seen boobs when with you, I suspect the teacher would assume he'd seen page 3 of a newspaper or similar. If they bothered to investigate further, they'd soon learn that the incident took place in a high street café or restaurant, realise that you hadn't been taking them into some strip bar, and that would be the end of it.

Pompom42 · 12/10/2018 08:31

And it's exactly these kind of comments why breastfeeding rates are poor in this country.

Emma765 · 12/10/2018 08:32

I think @User02 is on the windup, surely no one is genuinely as ignorant and can come up with so many bizarre objections to breastfeeding in public, the strangest being having the police knocking if a child saw 😂😂😂😂😂.

I was looking after my niece yesterday @User02 and i needed to use the toilet in the supermarket, she's too young to leave on her own shall I expect a knock at any second?

Breastfeeding should never have become to be seen as 'not acceptable' in any way. There shouldn't be a need to persuade anyone to see it as acceptable as the very fact it hasn't always been seen that way by 100% of the population is ludicrous given it is in fact just about the most natural thing that any woman can do. However, the sad fact is that there remains a portion of society who do see it as indecent or inappropriate, or ' Not acceptable' as User would put it. However, given that breastfeeding is proven to be the best thing for our babies, and our right to do it anywhere we want is protected by law, there's literally no reason I can see why anyone would alter their behaviour to suit these people.

Sadly, research showed that 40 per cent of women who stop breastfeeding by six weeks cite being judged, discouraged and shamed in public as a main reason. So congratulations @User02 and whoever may have agreed with this person's views, for playing an active part in preventing these children from getting the best start in life.

IsBabyHereYet · 12/10/2018 08:34

I have to put up with the sensitivities of the society I live in

What BULL from your mum!
If we never challenged these 'sensitivities' then we would never progress and most people don't care about breastfeeding -

it's your SISTERS insecurities about her partner looking at your boobs not his own. She sounds like she has some serious trust issues around her partner.

Imagine if the suffragettes never challenged the 'sensitivity' of men who didn't like seeing women having any power....

@User02
Shut up with your bile, let people feed their babies when and how they need to and get on with your own life. It does not actually affect you ffs. JUST DO NOT LOOK!

Volant · 12/10/2018 08:40

What proportion of people could be bf at this time. Maybe 5 per cent so the majority of people at any given time are not bf. What is expected is that the majority have to bow to the minority.

Given that the laws on breastfeeding in public were passed by Parliament which is elected democratically, maybe your perception of what the majority wants is incorrect, User02.

I accepted the changes I had to make when I had babies but didnt expect the rest of the population to change to meet my wishes

Who has to change? If I'm in a restaurant where there is a breastfeeding woman, I change precisely nothing. If anyone objects, literally the only change they have to make is to avert their eyes.

In general the more people try to bully their way into making something acceptable the more likely they are to meet with opposition.

How is feeding your baby bullying anyone?

I am entitled to my view and my opinion. Whatever happened to free speech

Nothing happened to free speech. No-one is stopping you giving your opinions, User02, are they? MN hasn't deleted you. What you don't seem to understand is that free speech applies to everyone - therefore people are free to disagree strongly with what you say.

InMemoryOfSleep · 12/10/2018 08:41

@User02 Some pp here have no idea that life exists outside their narrow margins

I’m assuming you are referring to yourself here?! How about people like you focus on educating their boys that breasts do not exist for their delectation and pleasure? Then we might have fewer issues with sparing their blushes Angry. A breastfeeding baby is feeding, nothing more, nothing less. Any sexualisation is in the eye of the beholder and entirely their issue. Educate yourself, your views are shameful.

Tinkobell · 12/10/2018 08:42

Meh. I was never one of those neat feeders. Milk squirted everywhere when the let down came, baby would normally choke around as she couldn't cope with the deluge. DH Was great and would help swab up, but I'm going to be honest - it was never neat or pretty. People risked getting an eye full! It didn't stop us doing it but it was quite funny! 😁
Ps the wet burp at the end is the piece de resistance!

funinthesun18 · 12/10/2018 08:43

I still don’t understand why people have a problem with breastfeeding in public/in front of other people. What do you think happened before formula existed?!

It says a lot about the person who has a problem with it. They can’t get past the fact that they see breasts as sexual.
Well that’s their problem, not mine. If my baby is hungry and she needs feeding I’ll feed her. Look away if you can’t handle it, or cover your head with something so you can’t see. Simple.

ferrier · 12/10/2018 08:48

I've never understood why a 'cover' is needed. As long as you wear something reasonably loose then there's the bare minimum of flesh on display as the vast majority of it is covered by the baby. In fact no more is on display than if you wore a low cut top.