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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Year 11 with the in laws and I have exploded, AIBU??

159 replies

Flyddo · 10/10/2018 21:22

Now into my 11th year with the in laws, now it hasn't been easy and my own home is on the horizon after buying a renovation project and my husband doing the work (getting on the ladder is hard).
OK, so yes I am grateful for my MIL for having me and my family live with her for so long, yes it has enabled us to save enough for our own house, yes we do pay her.money every month and split all bills, however I do draw a line when she interferes in my parenting and is constantly undermining me.
My DS has started playing up since he started school, bedtimes have become an absolute nightmare, he screams, shouts, hits and bites and demands that his.beloved nanny (MIL) puts him to bed. Not.only this, but on other instances she is basically blaming my parenting for his behaviour. My DS will now ask for chocolate cake for breakfast, I of course will say no yet MIL will give it to him when I leave the room. When I come back I have to take it from him and he goes hysterical and MIL is then comforting him saying 'how awful darling, mummy being mean!'.
What am I supposed to do?!?!?
So bed time this evening was a 45 minute battle of me, my husband and DS, then MIL forcibly pushed me aside and said she would take him to bed. I was so angry that I blew my top.
Any advice on where.to go from here! I am fed up of her constantly interfering and undermining me and my decisions, I know I live in her house but surely my rules.on parenting my child should stand.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 11:36

I would struggle to let go of a child who had lived with me for 11 years. Of course boundaries are all fucked up. What the fuck were you thinking living with her for 11 years? This is your own doing.

I agree with that.

FruitofAutumn · 11/10/2018 12:55

wow- how rude you are after her kindness and sacrifice in letting you all live with her for 11 years.Stomping out after a minor argument.Why didn't you go and stay with your father for the last 11 years?

RedSkyLastNight · 11/10/2018 13:11

Well, your MIL is right ... you have needed her for the past 11 years.

Not looking after the DC overnight is immaterial - it sound from your other threads that she does plenty of ad-hoc looking after them while you pop out to do things.

I do agree with your MIL - moving in with your father would seem to be unnecessarily unsettling the children. She's said that she does undermine you - ok so point out each and every time that she does it until she gets the point.

Frankly, I think you are being very harsh with your MIL who has put you up for 11 years and watched you have 3 children whilst you are supposedly trying to save for a house. Funny how it's been fine for all that time but it's only now that things have come to a head.

JeanPagett · 11/10/2018 13:15

It's no wonder she is very close to the children and is devastated you're taking them away, she's been living with them for 11 years!

The lack of boundaries is completely your fault for taking the piss by staying so long and relying on her for childcare.

Saying "thanks for letting us stay" after 11 years sounds pretty CF to me, it's not like she put you up for a weekend.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/10/2018 13:34

You mentioned several times that you'll be staying with your DF for now ... will your DH be going too?

Blondebakingmumma · 11/10/2018 13:38

I’m at a loss as to what to type.....
11 years
Choc cake for breakfast
Huge imposition on the in laws to raise a family in their home
However, your kids, your rules

Loonoon · 11/10/2018 14:09

This is a massive unboundaried mess. I know it will be hard on MIL but I think once she became aware that it mattered to you that she treated the children according to your rules she should have respected that. By undermining you she has forced the separation. If she’d let you have your way a bit more this situation could have continued indefinitely.

Hopefully moving out with the children will enforce the message that your DC are her GC rather than a second chance at motherhood and allow the situation to calm down. You will also have to pay your DC a lot of attention during this difficult transition as they are sure to miss the only home they’ve ever known and the grandparents who have always been there for them.

Nanny0gg · 11/10/2018 14:18

Thanks for letting us stay

You have got to be kidding!

Mugglemom · 11/10/2018 14:56

I think you're being rash. After living with her for their entire lives, you're ripping them to another home over a fight/argument. It'd be much better for them to have a gentler transition with proper goodbyes.

I can only imagine how frustrating it must have been to live with your in-laws for so long, but I think the straw breaking the camels back is going to have an adverse effect on your kids, who are going to be caught in the middle of it.

Original poster
Flyddo · 11/10/2018 15:01

She doesn't want us to go, she hasn't ever lived alone with her husband. She moved from her parents into the large home.with her uncle and looked after him until he died, together WE nursed him at home until he passed away in 2013. He was Bedbound for the last 18 months and we had to.wash and roll.him etc. So TBH I think having me there helped her massively also. no I am.not perfect but I do the majority of the cooking, even for her and my FIL. She has a false persona of being holier than thou and never does anything wrong but until you see it.on a daily basis you won't understand. Essentially I am told daily how awful a mother I am and if it were her kids it would.be different.
The kids behaviour is fine until they see her. Yes she has had to put up with us for 11 years but has begged us repeatedly not to leave. Her financial situation is.not.our problem, nor.the fact she is afraid to live alone with her husband after 35 years! Yes I sound awful and cue the awful comments!

OP posts:
Schuyler · 11/10/2018 15:03

You cannot uproot your kids and move them to yet another grandparent’s home. That’s wrong. I’m not saying she hasn’t been a massive PITA but your cheek is something something else.

Schuyler · 11/10/2018 15:04

You haven’t mentioned FIL in this. Does he want to live with you? What does he want?

roundaboutthetown · 11/10/2018 15:15

Your mil should get lodgers if she needs other people in the house to save her from being alone with her dh...

HiHoToffee · 11/10/2018 15:15

You do not sound awful, just at the end of your tether. All of you have benefitted from living together but it is time to move along, become independent. At least for you that time has come, not sure if your husband is quite there. Yes it will be a huge change for mil but you are only moving down the road, not NZ!

However you saying things like 'thanks for the last 11 years' and moving in with you dad does seem childish and bordering on spiteful.

When will the house be ready?

Ennirem · 11/10/2018 15:18

YABU living with your in laws for over a decade. Seriously, rent a house and have a life. If I lived with a kid day in day out for their whole life I'd feel like I had parental rights too. Get your own place no matter how small, and then you can tell her it's your way or she won't see half as much of him as she is fostering a rift between you and encouraging his naughtiness.

happypoobum · 11/10/2018 15:22

I don't understand - why are you only moving ten minutes away from her? She will insist on a key (don't let her have one) and continue as usual....

Ennirem · 11/10/2018 15:25

Sorry if she is that bloody manipulative and controlling you had no business having children in her house and exposing them to her! Why on earth did you not either just rent a house and raise your family, or hold off on kids until you were able to buy???

tiredtiredtiredtired · 11/10/2018 16:32

@Flyddo are you from India or the surrounding countries? (Or your ethnicity is of that?) I only ask because this type of living arrangement is commonplace, from your recent update about your MILs living arrangement with her uncle it sounds as if you might be.

In that case everyone may not have the full understanding of how for the woman who is married to the youngest man, it's expected to live with your in laws and take care of them when they're old (Indian culture basically - has been carried over as people have migrated here)

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 16:34

However you saying things like 'thanks for the last 11 years' and moving in with you dad does seem childish and bordering on spiteful.

I agree. It does seem unnecessarily cruel.

beeefcake · 11/10/2018 17:24

I would love to hear your MILs side of things

Beaverhausen · 11/10/2018 18:05

OP can I just add it is very strange that now that you no longer need to live in her house or take advantage of her child care you seem to have a problem with her.

You need to sit down and talk things through with her, you are taking her whole family away from her after 11 years, it is not easy for her and with your attitude no doubt be alienating her from her own son.

Do consider her feelings in all of this, her fear of being alone and especially as you do not hold her in high regards she no doubt has fears about it too. How would you feel if you were in her shoes? No doubt scared, no matter how much you dislike her she has been there for you the last 11 years and just saying "thanks for the last 11 years" makes you look like a nasty piece of work who use others purely for their own benefit and then get rid when it no longer suits.

crispysausagerolls · 11/10/2018 18:46

Sounds like you are refusing to take any responsibility for the last 11 years. You are a grown woman - no one MADE you stay there. My mother does not like living alone either...so I visit her. I don’t bloody live with her with my husband and child. Jesus Christ.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 11/10/2018 20:46

For those saying that the MIL must be a saint to have coped with the OP for 11 years...
That's the same MIL who is refusing for the OP and her family to go and live in their own house, making them feel guilty to do so.
If the OP was so awful and the MIL a saint, I doubt that the MIL would be upset to see them go. She wouod have been relieved and dancing with joy instead no?

I do agree that the OP and her DH agreed to the situation and let it go for far too long. But she is leaving now, they’ve bought a house so that’s not a question anymore.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 11/10/2018 20:49

As for the OP having to sit done with her MIL, why in earth is it not HER DH who is sitt8ng down with HIS MUM to have a chat, talk bait visiting etc?
Why is it the OP that is taking away her family and not the MIL son who is starting to live his own life as an adult?
I’m at loss as to why it is all the OP fault and none of it is her DH, even though he was quite happy to stay WITH HIS OWN PARENTS even though he wa married with 3 dcs....

Imo if anyone is responsible there, i would start by the DH tbh.

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 20:51

If the OP was so awful and the MIL a saint, I doubt that the MIL would be upset to see them go. She wouod have been relieved and dancing with joy instead no?

That also works in reverse. If the MIL is so awful then why not leave. They have been there 11 years!