Year 11 with the in laws and I have exploded, AIBU??

[Flyddo]

Now into my 11th year with the in laws, now it hasn't been easy and my own home is on the horizon after buying a renovation project and my husband doing the work (getting on the ladder is hard).
OK, so yes I am grateful for my MIL for having me and my family live with her for so long, yes it has enabled us to save enough for our own house, yes we do pay her.money every month and split all bills, however I do draw a line when she interferes in my parenting and is constantly undermining me.
My DS has started playing up since he started school, bedtimes have become an absolute nightmare, he screams, shouts, hits and bites and demands that his.beloved nanny (MIL) puts him to bed. Not.only this, but on other instances she is basically blaming my parenting for his behaviour. My DS will now ask for chocolate cake for breakfast, I of course will say no yet MIL will give it to him when I leave the room. When I come back I have to take it from him and he goes hysterical and MIL is then comforting him saying 'how awful darling, mummy being mean!'.
What am I supposed to do?!?!?
So bed time this evening was a 45 minute battle of me, my husband and DS, then MIL forcibly pushed me aside and said she would take him to bed. I was so angry that I blew my top.
Any advice on where.to go from here! I am fed up of her constantly interfering and undermining me and my decisions, I know I live in her house but surely my rules.on parenting my child should stand.

She has said on many occasions she doesn't want us to leave, often saying she can't afford the house without us (DH then feels guilty), or she wants us to stay because it is the children's home. Yes she enjoys having them around but it is constant interference and undermining. I feel sorry for my children being in this situation. We did.move out around 5 years ago for 3 months and during that time MIL was always around our house saying that she would have to move because she could not afford it without us etc. She is very very controlling, it is difficult to explain unless you live with it on a daily basis. And no she is not an on tap baby sitter, she has had the children overnight once in the time.we have lived with her. She occasionally collects them from school, never gives them a bath or anything like that. I feel that she doesn't want us to go and her behaviour is showing that if I give into the kids now before we move out they won't want to go. She is using the children as a pawn in her mind games.
I know 11 years is a long time but it is.not through my choice, I love my DH massively and he knows the problem lies with his.mother and has said it will be a matter of weeks before we move into our house.
I have made the decision to move.out with the kids temporarily until then and MIL is furious saying I am further disrupting the kids. She refuses to believe she is undermining and interfering.

i think it has to go both ways. it is not easy staying in same house with in laws. you are lucky in a way with live in help yet harder because you are also owing it to her. asian had for generations been living with in laws and looking after them. not the other way round that nana look after the kids unless you got really kind ones who help. but they sometimes overstep the boundaries too. its a give and take situation. as its your husbands mum, you husband have to deal with her. it is not right to say mum is mean and undermine your authority. just gently tell her when it comes to disipline your child, your and hubby words are the authority. she is a nana and a loving ones at that. make her feel good that you appreciate her but your child need to know that mum and dad in charge, not nana. its up to you and hubby to put your foot down with the child and not let nana interfere with your disipline. it can only get worse especially if your hubby refused to talk to in law and ask them to step down. nana have to respect your authority.

he screams, shouts, hits and bites
If your child is behaving like this in her house, I can understand why she gives in to him just because she cant cope with his atrocious behaviour.
In the cake incident, I think you were wrong to take it away from him again.Ok she undermined you (but possibly because he is behving ike such a brat) but you then went on to undermine her by taking the cake away from the kid.

" he knows the problem lies with his.mother "

It lies with you & him, for not moving out as soon as you realised that things were getting tricky!

she has had the children overnight once in the time.we have lived with her

No she has them every night overnight. You are living in her house.

Move out!

I do feel for the op, this has gone on for so long it's difficult to get out of. However you've made the decision to go and that is right.

Why can your parents in law* not afford the house on their own? Do they have no income at all, can they not apply for various benefits? Whatever, that is not really your problem. They could always have a lodger or if the house is too big, downsize.

*I'm assuming you have two parents in law as the title of this thread says, "In laws", though I think you've only mentioned her.

Communication, communication and communication. If there is a problem you need to sit down and let you feelings be known, for all you know she might have some issues.

If you keep everything to yourself it is going to boil over into a confrontation and possible alienation. Take a deep breath, maker her a cup of tea and sit down and work things through, we all need our mother in laws and sometimes unless we tell them they are not aware that they are insulting or undermining us in whatever aspect of our lives.

I would bite my tongue and save.... Save...Save! When you have enough, MOVE OUT! If she says she can't afford to remain in her home, help her downsize.

I couldn't cope with living with either my DM or my MIL for any more than a week! I like having my own family unit with DH and our 2 DDs.

I do get what you mean about your MIL being controlling and undermining you as mum, my DM is like that and I've gone very low contact with her. It's either that or allow her to completely take over, which has always been so stressful, and my DH hates that.

It must be really hard to create clear boundaries whilst living in your MIL's house. I would suggest that this might at least partially explain your DS acting up like he is, it must be a very confusing situation for him.

You need to move out a.s.a.p. And then work at creating clear boundaries.

You've made the decision to move out, or you have moved out? God, it sounds a nightmare, and you are nuts for not having tackled it and stuck to your guns when you moved out 5 years ago.

Sounds like your MIL has a large house which, as a single woman (you don't mention any other family members) she can't afford to run. This is a decision which comes to practically everyone at some point - the need to downsize from the family home. My parents did it, my next-door neighbour has done it, the first house I bought was a bargain because it was a large and very neglected house that had been lived in by an old lady who couldn't make the break. The conversation needs to turn to how, now that you ARE moving out and will be gone permanently, she can move on to the next phase of her life, which may well involve selling up and enjoying life in a smaller, more manageable place. Maybe you and your husband could devote some time to helping her do this - getting the house ready for sale, helping her look for another home. If you support her, she might just get very excited and happy about the prospect of a fresh start. And you might just save your extended family from permanent bitterness, although you are sailing might close to the wind now.

"she doesn't want us to leave, often saying she can't afford the house without us (DH then feels guilty), or she wants us to stay because it is the children's home."

But she doesn't help with the children much?
"she has had the children overnight once in thetime.wehave lived with her. She occasionally collects them from school, never gives them a bath or anything like that."

"She is using the children as a pawn in her mind games."

DH needs to help her sort out her finances, and you need to move out, for your own sanity. Does this not affect your marriage? Do you and dh get alone time? (Very different having kids in bed asleep, and a mil awake in bed reading). Is it not a passion killer? You dh and kids need space. You'll have to move out eventually, might as well be sooner rather than later. Also in another 10- 20 years, as she gets older, she may genuinely need to move back in with you, so there's that to think about too.

So MIL is saying she can't afford to live in her house if you aren't there? Does that mean she'll move into your new house with you?

We lived with mine for about 6 months whilst we renovated a house. The longest 6 months of my life, completely ruined our relationship too. How on earth have you managed 11 years??? How?

I think as others have said, lines are blurred. However your mil is acting like a grandma (not that I'd agree with cake for breaky), the problem is you live in her house. If she behaved like she is when she sees your child once a week or every other week it wouldn't matter you'd ignore it, but it's the fact this is everyday that is the issue and your child knows your mil is a soft touch.

I hope you can move out and salvage your relationship. We ruined our relationship with my in laws, things were said that can't be unsaid, I hope it doesn't end like that for you. Could you afford to rent short term maybe until your house is complete?

You have made this situation worse by being OK with this arrangement for so long. She can't afford the house on her own? Downsize then, like most people do.

It will become very difficult to disentangle yourself now so good luck, and you will need your DH to be 100% on your side and be firm otherwise it will never work.

How far away is your new house?

Our house is a 10 minute drive, kids will be able to stay at the school that they are in. I tried to have a sensible conversation with her this morning where she basically said she doesn't interfere or undermine she just loves them like a mother should! I said that I would be leaving with the children today and am staying with my father until house has at least the bath or shower and a semi functional kitchen with oven toaster and microwave. Even if we all sleep in one room I can't take living with her any longer. I said thanks for letting us stay and was polite and she then turned around and begged me to stay with the children said 'it isn't fair that I am punishing them, they need me I am like their mother, and you need me!' I don't need her. OK she is scared what will happen when I leave today, a huge house with just her and her husband but it isn't my fault. Trying to get her to understand that I am my children's mother and to stop interfering and she just won't accept it! Then she says it isn't fair on DH, I said I know, but we are his family, I am.not asking him to choose sides bur the reality is we have to do the right thing for our children.

I don’t mean to be nasty but I find it absolutely impossible to have sympathy for you, having let it get this far. 11 years?!? Her saying she is like their mother? You should have left after a few months. There is no acceptable reason for having stayed for so long, or for letting her undermine your parenting so much.

Is the move to New Zealand still on?

I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that you decided on a renovation project only 10 minutes drive away if you are still planning to emigrate.

It sounds like your husband is quite happy with the current situation.

I think the worst thing you can do for your DS would be to pack him up today, after an awful row at bedtime last night and move in to your father's house.
You've lived there for 11 years, you need to ensure the move to your new home is as smooth as possible.
You need to calm things down and start getting your DS and your MIL used to the idea that finally you and your DH are getting your act together.

Well done on sticking up for yourself OP. Sometimes upsetting the established status quo is the hardest thing in the world to do. She was completely undermining your parenting and she's not their mother she's their grandmother. Hopefully in time she'll find fulfilment in the role of grandmother. I still think you need to consider how you will set appropriate boundaries once you're in your own home, since she didn't seem to have any boundaries last time you moved.

Your DS has started school, and is pribably exhausted. Many small boys find starting school very hard. If granny can get him to bed quickly and quietly, don't be jealous. She may be dreading losing those precious times with him.

Maybe everyone is on a short fuse now that the end is in sight. You want desperately to be in your new home, and the ILs are probably visualising getting their home back. Eleven years is a long time, during which they are older and less able to tolerate the disruption of a school-age child than a baby.

The chocolate cake was a "peace a any price" moment.

Find a way to navigate the final few months by showing appreciation for what they have done for you. Talk calmly with mil about the food you want him to eat, but it's not really about cake. It's about everyone's emotions around the imminent huge changes to relationships and roles.

You may not be aware of it now, but after the move you'll realise just how many little things they helped with.

Sweet Jesus! 11 years?
I am surprised you all haven't gone crazy

11 years??? Time to grow up and move out

I said thanks for letting us stay

You make it sound like you've just stayed there a couple of nights. You have been there 11 years and that's all you say.

I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that you decided on a renovation project only 10 minutes drive away if you are still planning to emigrate.

So do I.

I would struggle to let go of a child who had lived with me for 11 years. Of course boundaries are all fucked up. What the fuck were you thinking living with her for 11 years? This is your own doing.

Geez you're only going to be a 10 minute drive down the road and this is her reaction??? My Mother and MIL would love to have her problem.

Although seriously why didn't you move MUCH FURTHER AWAY? I'd be half an hour or more away at least.