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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Year 11 with the in laws and I have exploded, AIBU??

159 replies

Flyddo · 10/10/2018 21:22

Now into my 11th year with the in laws, now it hasn't been easy and my own home is on the horizon after buying a renovation project and my husband doing the work (getting on the ladder is hard).
OK, so yes I am grateful for my MIL for having me and my family live with her for so long, yes it has enabled us to save enough for our own house, yes we do pay her.money every month and split all bills, however I do draw a line when she interferes in my parenting and is constantly undermining me.
My DS has started playing up since he started school, bedtimes have become an absolute nightmare, he screams, shouts, hits and bites and demands that his.beloved nanny (MIL) puts him to bed. Not.only this, but on other instances she is basically blaming my parenting for his behaviour. My DS will now ask for chocolate cake for breakfast, I of course will say no yet MIL will give it to him when I leave the room. When I come back I have to take it from him and he goes hysterical and MIL is then comforting him saying 'how awful darling, mummy being mean!'.
What am I supposed to do?!?!?
So bed time this evening was a 45 minute battle of me, my husband and DS, then MIL forcibly pushed me aside and said she would take him to bed. I was so angry that I blew my top.
Any advice on where.to go from here! I am fed up of her constantly interfering and undermining me and my decisions, I know I live in her house but surely my rules.on parenting my child should stand.

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 11/10/2018 04:58

Did they know you were thinking of staying 11 years? How many children did you have when you moved in with them ---- and how many now?

Guests like fish go off after three days - even three days seems a long time to me Grin

GloomyMonday · 11/10/2018 05:07

Your mil is a saint for allowing this for 11 years. It must be very hard not to comment on parenting when it is happening in your home and impacting your life. When do you move into your own home?

cantfindname · 11/10/2018 05:17

The chocolate cake is a power game between parent and Gran and the only person truly suffering from it is the child who doesn't understand why he has something given to him and then taken away. No wonder the poor kid has meltdowns! And surely letting Gran put him to bed is easier all round than having a distressed child at bedtime. Once you move out and she is no longer there at bedtime the problem will sort itself out.

I am actually disgusted by this post and the amount you have used your in- laws whilst it suited it you only to start power games when the end is in sight. I feel very sorry for Gran.. yes she is wrong to feed the child chocolate cake for breakfast but be honest, will it really hurt him? I am sure the tantrum is far worse for him than the bloody cake.

lovetherisingsun · 11/10/2018 05:29

You don't have a mother-in-law problem, you have a HUSBAND problem. Where is he in all this? It's for HIM to have a word and lay the law down with his mother, not you.

lovetherisingsun · 11/10/2018 05:31

The chocolate cake is a power game between parent and Gran and the only person truly suffering from it is the child who doesn't understand why he has something given to him and then taken away. No wonder the poor kid has meltdowns!

Oh my god, you are so wrong. Yes, let's just let granny mold terrible behaviour into the OP's child and blame it all on the mother for the grandmother teaching the kid to be a tantrumming little brat when he doesn't get his way (not that the child himself is an actual "brat" - it's the behaviour that is brattish). Slow clap.

FiveShelties · 11/10/2018 05:31

Perhaps he is concerned if he lays the law down he may have to find somewhere to live.

Notacluewhatthisis · 11/10/2018 05:36

I stayed with my parents when my kids were young for 6 months.

Yeah they moaned for nana to put them to bed. I simply didn't get into the habit.

It appears op has let her MIL do things and these have become routine to the kids.

Given that Ok has put up with this until her own house is the horizon, is probably the same reason that the dh hasn't. They know which side their bread is buttered on

GloomyMonday · 11/10/2018 05:42

"You don't have a mother-in-law problem, you have a HUSBAND problem. Where is he in all this? It's for HIM to have a word and lay the law down with his mother, not you."

I disagree. After 11 years of living together op should be capable of handling her mil herself. Her dh may not be present, may agree with his mother, may disapprove of OP's attitude, may think they should cut his mum some slack after lodging with her for over a decade. If op is happy to impose on mil for that length of time, she can manage her relationships herself imo and shouldn't need anyone else to step in on her behalf.

Rtmhwales · 11/10/2018 05:49

I’m curious if the OP has been living with them eleven years .. when I read the title I thought OP meant she’d been married to DH for eleven years and thus dealing with the ILs, not necessarily that they’d been living there the entire time. If the latter, OP has more stamina than I’d ever have.

Booboostwo · 11/10/2018 05:55

Why is it such an issue if MIL puts him to bed? If you live together it is natural that ILs will have a bigger role in his care than otherwise.

The cake for breakfast is off as you said no and she undermined you (can’t see anything wrong with cake for breakfast as such though, maybe if DS is having a rough time with school it’s a good time for you to relax some pointless rules at home).

MIL’s comment to DS about you is the problem. I think you and DH need to take her to one side and explain why such comments are entirely unacceptable. Is this the first time she has said something like this or is it an ongoing pattern?

misstblue2 · 11/10/2018 06:15

why are ppl being nasty towards the mil, she as also put up with the dil for 11 years in her house.cuts both ways
has she looked after your dc/dcs while you have been out /at work over the years.more money you have saved by not using babysitters
what if she hadn't put you up would you have been able to save for a deposit and pay private rent'
you sound very ungrateful to me

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 11/10/2018 06:21

If you don't like it move out, after 11 years of you and months of your nsflu behaved biting child she probably have him the cake to shut him up do she could have some sort of peace in her own home. I can't believe you are so selfish to think it's ok to move into someone's home for 11 years. Even if she has said it is fine to stay she is doing out of a sense of duty and kindness. It is time for you to show her respect and move out right now make do with What you have in your own house

Notacluewhatthisis · 11/10/2018 06:22

OP has more stamina than I’d ever have.

Really? How about how much stamina the MIL has had to have her adult ds, his wife and growing family in her house for 11 years.

GloomyMonday · 11/10/2018 06:29

I'd love mil to come on and give her side. I wonder whether, over the 11 years, op has ever done something as heinous as giving a child chocolate cake for breakfast.

Ghanagirl · 11/10/2018 07:38

OP I thought you were moving out in August?

RedSkyLastNight · 11/10/2018 08:00

I would be interested to hear MIL's side of this. I am sure she has not found having house guests for such a long time particularly easy. I agree with the PP that says you were hardly busting a gut to move out. If you didn't like the arrangements you could (and would) have moved out long ago - it sounds like you are paying rent and splitting bills anyway, so renting something cheap wouldn't have been much more.

malificent7 · 11/10/2018 08:04

Yanbu op but I disagree that having other people help raise your kids is bad. It takes a village etc.
However undermining you is not on....a united front is best. Time to move on.

longwayoff · 11/10/2018 08:04

Please make sure your children understand they will soon be living in a different house and granny wont be there. If you spring it on them you'll pay for it three times over and more.

helacells · 11/10/2018 08:10

Bloody hell! Why haven't you moved out in 11 years? That's batshit crazy. It's not fair on either of you and I can't believe they have put you up that long. Get out ASAP even if you have to live in a hole in the ground

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/10/2018 08:10

This isn't any normal DIL/MIL situation where the MIL had overstepped the mark. 11 years of living together has totally altered the way these two women see each other. There will be many things the OP has done over this time that's pissed her MIL off and I'm sure she's resented not having her home to herself.

The OP can't have it both ways. Either move out and do things your way or put up with your inlaws and thank your lucky stars you've had such support.

TwoGinScentedTears · 11/10/2018 08:15

Ha! Been there. I used to call it parenting by committee. It's tough. But you need to keep your cool. And remember this isn't easy for them either.

It's coming to a head because he end is in sight. Don't wait for the new house to be perfect. Get one room ready and a functioning kitchen sink, cooker and bathroom. You can manage in the new house like that. And thank them them, buy them a gift and move out.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 11/10/2018 08:18

Their house, their rules??

It might apply to how many showers you can have each week or of you need to take your shoes off, but not about parenting sorry.

OP your DH needs to talk to them. And set boundaries and actually stand up to his mum.
Are you from an Asian family by any chance? I’ve seen that happening so often in that sort of environment. And many DIL blowing their top off too.

Feellikeimthemaid · 11/10/2018 08:26

It's very confusing. Your post from 1st May this says "this year will be year 10 with the ILs", now 4 months later it's suddenly 11 years. You also said then that your own house should be ready by August. It's now October, so why aren't you in? It must be in a liveable enough condition by now that you could move out from the ILs house?

I can't believe you've had 3 kids in the time you've been at your in laws, including a baby this summer. Talk about taking the p*ss!

malificent7 · 11/10/2018 08:30

Ok...I would be pissed off about chocolate cake for breakfast and the 'isn't mummy mean comments. No idea why you are getting a hard time.
Both the cake AND the comments are awful.

BarbarianMum · 11/10/2018 08:32

I think this is a classic case of "if you want the milk you have to put up with the moo " (no offence to your MiL).

I also remember your previous posts. If you want to be treated as an autonomous family unit then you need to live like one. Just fucking move into your never-ready house.