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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Year 11 with the in laws and I have exploded, AIBU??

159 replies

Flyddo · 10/10/2018 21:22

Now into my 11th year with the in laws, now it hasn't been easy and my own home is on the horizon after buying a renovation project and my husband doing the work (getting on the ladder is hard).
OK, so yes I am grateful for my MIL for having me and my family live with her for so long, yes it has enabled us to save enough for our own house, yes we do pay her.money every month and split all bills, however I do draw a line when she interferes in my parenting and is constantly undermining me.
My DS has started playing up since he started school, bedtimes have become an absolute nightmare, he screams, shouts, hits and bites and demands that his.beloved nanny (MIL) puts him to bed. Not.only this, but on other instances she is basically blaming my parenting for his behaviour. My DS will now ask for chocolate cake for breakfast, I of course will say no yet MIL will give it to him when I leave the room. When I come back I have to take it from him and he goes hysterical and MIL is then comforting him saying 'how awful darling, mummy being mean!'.
What am I supposed to do?!?!?
So bed time this evening was a 45 minute battle of me, my husband and DS, then MIL forcibly pushed me aside and said she would take him to bed. I was so angry that I blew my top.
Any advice on where.to go from here! I am fed up of her constantly interfering and undermining me and my decisions, I know I live in her house but surely my rules.on parenting my child should stand.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 10/10/2018 21:57

You've lived with them for 11 years? Why didn't you just rent a house? It may have taken you longer to save up but at least you would have your own family home.

Do you rely on MIL for childcare and will you still be relying on her for childcare when you move out?

tiredtiredtiredtired · 10/10/2018 21:58

Dear lord just leave. I did 3 years but with a kid it's hard

Canshopwillshop · 10/10/2018 22:01

I’d rather live in a building site! Time to move out clearly

RomanyRoots · 10/10/2018 22:01

I'm not surprised you exploded, but why on earth let it get to this.
Has your dh never stepped in.
It's going to take your child time to adjust when you move, maybe he is confused already and the reason he becomes violent.
You need to put in boundaries, make sure they are kept to and parent the way you want to.
It doesn't sound like you can do this until you move.

BendAndLoft · 10/10/2018 22:04

Just move into your own house, the decorating and carpets etc can wait, just get in there and out of each others hair.

Jozen · 10/10/2018 22:21

I don't know how any of you of managed for 11 years together under one roof.
How much longer until you move into your own place? Could you pay for your ILs to go on a once in a lifetime cruise to thank them for sharing their home for 11 years with you and separate you all for a good few weeks Grin

Rebecca36 · 10/10/2018 22:25

I'm glad your period of living with in laws is coming to a close but I cannot imagine eleven years with either set of parents, never mind having children.

In eleven years you have all become set in certain ways, that happens which is why it isn't healthy. Different if you had a separate apartment within your in laws' house but sounds like you all lived together on top of eachother. For goodness sake, it's not that difficult to find somewhere to rent and gradually get a few bits and pieces around you. It would at least have been your home.

Anyway, nearly over now. Hopefully your son will find a new house and new bedroom exciting, he can invite friends over whenever he wants and will still see grandparents, just not every day.

Do come back and tell us how everything is going and good luck.

Maelstrop · 10/10/2018 22:25

Yes, move out! Jesus, you’ve lived with her for 11 years? She must be totally fed up. Yes, she’s wrong to feed chocolate cake for breakfast (wtaf?!) but 11 years with her is ridiculous. Rent, get out ASAP.

Dollymixture22 · 10/10/2018 22:29

Tackle the extreme stuff. Cake for breakfast? No rationale adult would do this, so ask her why.

This is a really tough situation -but you have chosen to live with her for this long. It has cramped your parenting, and her grand parenting. If he stayed at her house once every month or so, she probably could give him cake for breakfast and no one would bat an eyelid.

She feels like an extra parent, but still wants to spoil him.

You need to move out, give her back her life and take control of your own.

While I am sure it’s going, living with her for 11years to save money is extreme.

GreenDinosaur · 10/10/2018 22:29

Sounds like you made a deal with the devil, live with the consequences.

AuntBeastie · 10/10/2018 22:32

11 years! No wonder you’re all fed up of each other. It will be so much better when you have moved out.

Bestseller · 10/10/2018 22:36

That must have been unspeakably difficult for everyone.

If this is a change in her behaviour, maybe she's doing it deliberately to make sure you actually do leave.

RoomOfRequirement · 10/10/2018 23:12

I can't believe you had a child while living in your in-laws house! That's insane.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/10/2018 23:22

You have lived with your ILs too long.

The problem is you were never fully focussed on saving for a place of your own otherwise you would have been working as many jobs as possible and saving as much as possible to buy the cheapest flat possible.
Your prime focus being to get your own place.
Instead I think you have gotten too comfortable.

I take it that you had ds whilst still "saving" for your own home.

Whilst your MIL might have over stepped the mark on a few occasions I think your ILs must have been mightily pissed off you were living in their home on the pretext of saving for your own place but then you start a family in their house.

The finishing line is in site so I would keep everything buttoned and never mention things that you don't like again.

If you were so bothered about having autonomy over your parenting then you would have moved out and gotten even a tiny studio flat years ago.

Fwiw i have fed DC cake for breakfast on occasion. It has never done them any harm

Member745520 · 10/10/2018 23:42

@lazymum99 I think the link you're looking for is
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3236978-A-decade-with-the-in-laws-and-I-think-I-am-ready-to-explode

Ilovemypantry · 11/10/2018 00:13

OP you need to leave ...NOW. This will never work with two adult females in the same house and a child.

wtfhaveijustread · 11/10/2018 00:32

Just say what you have just said to us, sit down with her and just say you are thankful and you respect her. But you are your ds mother, she is not. What she is doing is damaging your son, no one else. She sounds like a silly bitch to be honest and I would f blew my lid with the giving stuff when I've already said no. So bravo for that!

dangerrabbit · 11/10/2018 00:38

I thought it was bad enough living with my in laws for nearly 6 months when DD1 was a baby.

Oysterbabe · 11/10/2018 00:49

Why can't granny put him to bed? I'd be delighted to offload bedtime on to someone else.

FloydWasACat · 11/10/2018 00:53

Greatduck it sounds vv familiar to me too

Choccywoccyhooha · 11/10/2018 00:57

11 years? Actual years? You don't mean months? Or weeks? 11 days would be enough on both sides surely? That's a real test for all the relationships: your marriage, your inlaw's marriage, your relationship with them, your relationship with your child, their relationship with your child, their relationship with their son...I find it hard to believe that in 11 years there has been no alternative, unless you moved in with your dh's family in your early teens and are now only early 20s, in which case I can kind of see how you would still be saving to move out.

How much longer have you got? We lived with my parents for ten days between house moves, but we split that up with five days in a caravan park to give everyone breathing space. Is there anywhere at all you could go to for a week or so, and then concentrate on moving into your new place asap?
One of my friends bought a renovation project and they literally camped out in the house for a year. It would be a lovely bonding experience for your, your dh, and your dc away from the in-laws, your dc will treasure the memories i've sure, this is the kind of adventure is what makes a childhood - living unhappily with the in-laws with stressed paremts6, caught between them and their grandparents - not so much.

TattyCat · 11/10/2018 01:00

Your situation has come about because there's an end in sight. You are nearly free and because of that, you're letting 11 years of frustration take over. Stop it. She has housed you and helped you, presumably, for a very long time. She will be struggling (probably) with the fact that you're soon leaving and it will be hard to go from a full house to a very quiet one.

Be kind.

Heatherjayne1972 · 11/10/2018 04:29

Two weeks with my ( ex) mil nearly finished me
Eleven years !

You need to everything you can to move on

flumpybear · 11/10/2018 04:38

Just get the hell out of there

EmperorTomatoRetchup · 11/10/2018 04:41

I know I live in her house but surely my rules.on parenting my child should stand.

Has your mother in law doing the bulk of the childcare? If so, it isn't unusual for the child to want their primary caregiver to do bedtimes. It is harder to say 'my rules' if the other person is doing the grunt work of parenting.

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