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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Year 11 with the in laws and I have exploded, AIBU??

159 replies

Flyddo · 10/10/2018 21:22

Now into my 11th year with the in laws, now it hasn't been easy and my own home is on the horizon after buying a renovation project and my husband doing the work (getting on the ladder is hard).
OK, so yes I am grateful for my MIL for having me and my family live with her for so long, yes it has enabled us to save enough for our own house, yes we do pay her.money every month and split all bills, however I do draw a line when she interferes in my parenting and is constantly undermining me.
My DS has started playing up since he started school, bedtimes have become an absolute nightmare, he screams, shouts, hits and bites and demands that his.beloved nanny (MIL) puts him to bed. Not.only this, but on other instances she is basically blaming my parenting for his behaviour. My DS will now ask for chocolate cake for breakfast, I of course will say no yet MIL will give it to him when I leave the room. When I come back I have to take it from him and he goes hysterical and MIL is then comforting him saying 'how awful darling, mummy being mean!'.
What am I supposed to do?!?!?
So bed time this evening was a 45 minute battle of me, my husband and DS, then MIL forcibly pushed me aside and said she would take him to bed. I was so angry that I blew my top.
Any advice on where.to go from here! I am fed up of her constantly interfering and undermining me and my decisions, I know I live in her house but surely my rules.on parenting my child should stand.

OP posts:
snifflesnifflesnore · 11/10/2018 08:32

You should've done what other sane adults do and rented. Eleven years ago.

justwantedalaugh · 11/10/2018 08:34

I thought this thread was going to be about suffering in-laws for 11 Christmasses NOT LIVING WITH THEM FOR 11 BLOODY YEARS!!!! Shock

Oysterbabe · 11/10/2018 08:35

You've moved in with your in-laws so you can save for a house but instead knock out 3 kids and stay 11 years. Your in-laws are saints and should have exploded at you 10 years ago.

londonrach · 11/10/2018 08:37

I did 9 months but 11 years. I dont think many people could do that. You a saint.

kaytee87 · 11/10/2018 08:37

Yes it must be annoying your mil undermining you but can you imagine how annoying it is to have a whole family (who keep reproducing) live with you for 11 years! You're taking the piss.
We moved into my mum&step dads for a month recently during a renovation and were conscious to be out at exactly a month even though the house wasn't fully ready. They wouldn't accept money so I made sure I did as much housework as possible and generally tried to keep out of their way.

Piffle11 · 11/10/2018 08:39

This reminds me of when BIL and his partner split and he moved back in with MIL. He had a 3 year old who spent most of the days with him, as his ex worked 4 days a week and he worked evenings. MIL would completely take over: if BIL said no to choc, etc, MIL would say 'of course he can have it' and hand over whatever the DS wanted. She undermined BIL: saying things like 'he never cries/plays up when he's with me' - this was because whenever he started to kick off, MIL would give in. I would be at her house with my DS and she would have the child - she would actually tell BIL to leave them alone. She would criticise his parenting and I could actually see him sort of slump. You need to move out.

diddl · 11/10/2018 08:48

You & your husband sound absolute piss takers tbh.

INeedNewShoes · 11/10/2018 08:48

This can't be serious because no one with an ounce of common sense would think it's ok to live with their in laws for eleven years and expect a normal relationship with them.

If this is true maybe it's time to grow up and survive out there in the big wide world just like everyone else has to. Ie, move out and rent.

WizardOfToss · 11/10/2018 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 11/10/2018 08:53

This can't be serious because no one with an ounce of common sense would think it's ok to live with their in laws for eleven years and expect a normal relationship with them.

I think some posters need to educate themselves a bit.
That sort if organisation is very common in Asian families. When a son gets married, his wife moves in in the family home, woth the PIL. You often have other married siblings with their ins dcs there too.
So it’s not always an issue with needing to grow up or just renting. It’s an issue with the fact that this is how things are done and moving away actually is hard.
I’ve heard plenty of stories of the MIL not wanting their ds to move out and putting pressure in their son. And whatever the MIL says is what happens.

Somyes it’s a very different way of doing things. And no I couldn’t actually live like that. But I wouod be careful nit to be judgemental tbh.

HiHoToffee · 11/10/2018 08:54

Such a messed up situation. What I do not understand is why after the move to New Zealand got postponed because of the pregnancy you would buy a house that you can't move into straight away.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 11/10/2018 08:54

Oh, I also know that in a few Asian families I know, the ds still carries on paying something to the parents once they move out of the family home. Which makes moving out even harder....

INeedNewShoes · 11/10/2018 08:57

The point I was making is that you wouldn't expect MIL to stick to a standard grandparent role if she had lived with the DC their whole lives. Of course boundaries will blur if the DC see as much of their grandparents as they do their parents, and if the OP has a problem with that they need to move out.

OP didn't say they'd been living there because that's the cultural norm, it was so they could save money to move into a 'house' - they could have started their property ladder climb on the bottom rung in a small flat, but no, it sounds very much that they chose to live with their in laws for a very long time.

trulybadlydeeply · 11/10/2018 09:02

The children will see all adults in the house as care givers, and it's going to be quite difficult for them if you have to tell them that nanny can't put them to bed etc. It must be hard for your ILs too not to over step the mark and to keep put of things.

The sooner you move out the better. I cannot understand why you have chosen to have 3 children in this time, when you are young enough to have waited until you were able to put over roof over their head. However the situation is as it is, but it must be extremely stressful all round.

You own a house now. move into it, whatever the state of it, and camp in it until you everything you want done. It's costing you more money this way anyway, you must have been paying the mortgage on it since you bought it (without trawling the other thread that's at least a few months now) plus you are paying rent and bills at the ILs.

poglets · 11/10/2018 09:13

Your MIL isn't a grandmother. Her role has blurred. This is confusing for the children. You need to put boundaries back in place and everyone's role needs to be redefined. Starting with yours.

You are their mother. You have made poor choices OP and allowed this to happen. I am not being unkind - I also made this mistake. It nearly cost me my husband and children.

Where is your husband in all this?

Ecclectics · 11/10/2018 09:14

It is awful of your mil to undermine you and to give your dc chocolate cake for breakfast.
But can’t you see you have put yourself in this situation.
I live a short drive from my in-laws and regretted our decision to live here as they have a tendency to meddle.
But you have established your family in another women’s household! Whether that was your dm, your mil, your dsis or sil it was going to be a bad move.
You can’t have someone else who is heavily invested in your dc living with you as the rules and boundaries become blurred.

I don’t think either your or your mil are to blame as such. You are both overstepping boundaries in different ways.
But surely as adults you all should have known this was a bad idea.

You need to leave the house ASAP.
I don’t really think there is another resolution to this.

Loonoon · 11/10/2018 09:18

It’s always tough when adult children move in with parents. My DD has just moved back in with us after 4 years on her own and it’s a struggle. She has reverted to a teenager in many ways but also wants to make adult choices which impinge on the way I want to run my home and especially my kitchen. It’s a financial necessity atm but it isn’t good for her or for our relationship.

Apologise OP and move out to your own home ASAP.

BarbarianMum · 11/10/2018 09:20

I think you need to get real Brexit. When you live with yoyr husband's family a la SE Asian style you dont then get an option on a western-style, arms length relationship with your inlaws. There are different pros and cons of different family models, it's not a buffet where you get to pick the cheap cost of living and on-tap childcare but hold on the whole matriachy/everyone patenting ypur children thing.

longwayoff · 11/10/2018 09:22

Are you sure you really want to move O P? 11 years is a long time to have surrendered automony. Please make sure you're all adequately prepared for the immense upheaval.

longwayoff · 11/10/2018 09:23

Autonomy

Oakmaiden · 11/10/2018 09:30

She will be struggling (probably) with the fact that you're soon leaving and it will be hard to go from a full house to a very quiet one.

Gosh - can you imagine a young child, who has lived with you since he was born and been loved by you and cared for by you, suddenly being taken to live somewhere else? Granted she is not his mother, but you would anticipate them having a relationship of similar closeness. I can well imagine that as the day of you all leaving comes closer she wants to indulge the child more and more...

I can also imagine that the move will be a huge wrench for your child. If he knows it is coming, this may in some way explain his recent behaviour...

MorningsEleven · 11/10/2018 09:31

You've moved in with your in-laws so you can save for a house but instead knock out 3 kids and stay 11 years. Your in-laws are saints and should have exploded at you 10 years ago

I agree. Enormously ungrateful.

Snowymountainsalways · 11/10/2018 09:32

MY advice from here....get the hell out as fast as you can.

You would do less time for manslaughter, which is what it will probably come to if you don't leave asap.

Snowymountainsalways · 11/10/2018 09:34

What were thinking buying a renovation project?? Surely you should have bought a house that you could immediately in to without work so you could start your own life.

ChilliPowderMild · 11/10/2018 09:37

Just get a kitchen and two rooms of the 'renovation project' liveable and go.