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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to do anything ever again for FIL

131 replies

Wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2018 14:52

FIL is 87, lives alone, ok health wise albeit a bit of arthritis, very mild blood pressure issue and hard of hearing. Has always been a bit forgetful and worse since MIL died.

About 2 years ago after a near miss with a bus he gave up his car and since then has literally sat and rotted in his chair. We take him out whenever we can but otherwise he has refused to leave the house. We suspected depression and his gp spoke with him, agreed and he now takes a mild Ad. Except he forgets to take them. SIL1 was diagnosed with terminal cancer in April. It has all fallen to me and dp. BIL does sod all, never comes over, never helps and always has an excuse. Dp and I work full time and have kids. BIL kids are all adults (dp was a menopause baby so 15*years younger than siblings). Fine I don't have an issue, BIL will have to justify to himself when anything happens. I have arranged carers because I just don't have time to be there every day.

However, I am currently off work so have been going over more, cleaning house etc. Today I have been and done his shopping. Cleaned his house, done his washing etc. Carer arrived and helped out. And FIL had the nerve to tell her he had no idea who I was. Luckily I had explained who I was when she arrived as she hadn't been before. But I am livid. Had she taken him at his word it could have been horrendous. I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything.

He think he was being funny but I am. So angry. I do everything for him with absolutely no thanks. SIL2 (BIL wife) refuses to have anything to do with him and I am. Starting to understand why.

Can I legitimately refuse to do any more!

Dp is livid and having a word but still.

OP posts:

Sarahjconnor · 10/10/2018 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PragmaticWench · 10/10/2018 14:55

Are you absolutely certain your FIL doesn't have the onset of dementia? It can often first present as depression and people can be very good at masking it to start with.

Winterbella · 10/10/2018 14:58

I'd be thinking more along the lines of dementia or altzimers than take him at his word that he was joking to be honest.

Hoppinggreen · 10/10/2018 14:59

Well he might have been been joking or he might have actually forgotten
Either way I think you are being a bit dramatic , worse case scenario police are called /Carer questions you, you explain who you are and that’s it
Don’t see how it could affect your dbs or have been otherwise “horrendous “

NonaGrey · 10/10/2018 14:59

Are you absolutely certain your FIL doesn't have the onset of dementia

I immediately wondered this too. M lovely GM was extremely good at hiding her dementia and covering up slips in memory. You could have an entire conversation with her and have no clue that she didn’t know where she was, wh we were or what year it was

GooseberryJam · 10/10/2018 14:59

Sounds like fluctuating dementia to me. My dad is like this and will cover 'mistakes' by later saying he didn't mean it. Don't be angry at your FIL unless he has a consistent history of being really ungrateful. It's the other family members who deserve your anger.

serbska · 10/10/2018 15:01

I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything.

Are you usually so melodramatic?

Finfintytint · 10/10/2018 15:05

Why would you lose your job?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2018 15:08

Has it honestly not occurred to you that he is suffering from dementia?? This same thing would happen with my 92yo grandmother before she died. In the span of 30 minutes she would go from not knowing who I was to remembering things I did when I was a baby. She would think my grandfather was still alive and then 3 hours later remember that he died 15 years before.

You seem very dramatic and more than a little ignorant about the issues that can affect the elderly. And as for "losing everything" because of this non-incident... You're kidding right?

Mugglemom · 10/10/2018 15:09

I definitely think it's that he played it off as a joke to cover up for a failing memory.

JeanPagett · 10/10/2018 15:10

I agree that in your shoes I'd be much more worried about dementia than I would about the (non-existent) consequences for you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/10/2018 15:11

Whatever his motives you are being over-worked and over-used here and someone else needs to step in.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/10/2018 15:12

Your FIL may have been making a bad joke, or he may have blanked and been unable to remember who you are. Either way, the threat posed to you was exactly nil, and obviously so.

If you don't want to be saddled with an unfair proportion of your FIL's increasingly onerous care, it would be totally reasonable to say so and force a discussion about this. But throwing a bizarre strop about an odd comment made by a very elderly man with known memory problems is not your escape route.

ISpeakJive · 10/10/2018 15:12

This sounds like the onset of dementia. My grandad is the same age, same symptoms and has just been diagnosed.

E20mom · 10/10/2018 15:15

Nothing bad could/would have happened as a consequence of his comment given that you actually ARE his DIL. I don't get why you're annoyed. It was a non event really.

AngelsSins · 10/10/2018 15:18

It really annoys me how this stuff always seems to fall to women, even when it’s not their own parents. Not helpful to you op I know, but surely this should be your husband and your BILs “issue” to deal with and you just help out from time to time? So no, I don’t think it’s would be unreasonable if you stopped doing it.

user139328237 · 10/10/2018 15:21

It could be dementia or another health issue that meant he genuinely didn't remember you in which case he'd have passed it of as a joke to minimise his embarrassment.
If it is dementia you are very lucky in that many of the hardest steps are already in place before he got to the stage where he would refuse them. Many people with dementia refuse to give up driving and the introduction of paid carers.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 10/10/2018 15:24

Can you explain the ‘I could have lost my job’

That’s makes absolutely no sense to me.

justwantedalaugh · 10/10/2018 15:25

Carer arrived and helped out. And FIL had the nerve to tell her he had no idea who I was

He was either joking or has memory issues.

Had she taken him at his word it could have been horrendous. I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything

I can't believe this you would lose your job over that. It would be looked into and so easy for you to prove who you are and why you are there.

Sorry if I've been harsh, but it sounds to me like you are overwhelmed and tired of doing it all yourself. So it's understandable you are upset over this last straw.

I think I'd let this particular incident slide, but I would have a serious discussion with the rest of the family over how your FIL's are going to be handled in future.

justwantedalaugh · 10/10/2018 15:25

*FIL's needs ffs

Piffle11 · 10/10/2018 15:26

At best it's a silly joke, at worst it could be dementia-related. My DF would say something like that - as a joke. I don't think you need to take what he said as a slight, and I think the thing about losing your job is very over dramatic. I'm sure the carer realises that thieves/abusers/etc don't tend to wash up and hoover. I think you are more upset about the fact that BIL and his wife don't help out. If you don't want to do it, don't.

HolesinTheSoles · 10/10/2018 15:29

I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything.

This is clearly dramatic. If he really was joking he would hardly have continued the joke to the point at which you were actually arrested. Even if the police were called it would be very easy to establish who you actually were.

I'd also be far more concerned about the onset of dementia.

Perhaps you're really just stressed with the situation - especially BiL not helping rather than really so annoyed with FiL.

Original poster

Wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2018 15:29

He doesn't have dementia or actually it would make sense and I would have mentioned it in my op. It was a very poor joke.

I could lose my job because had the carer taken him at his word she should have been reporting it as a safeguarding issue and I would be suspended pending investigation. Which ultimately could have caused me to lose my job.

It may seem melodramatic but it is also true and I have thoroughly pissed off that everything I do is utterly ignored.

OP posts:

Orchardgreen · 10/10/2018 15:31

My mum lives in a Care home. She doesn’t have dementia, but some of the residents have early dementia. Chatting to them, they are verrrry clever at covering up when they can’t remember something. They may have dementia, but they’re not stupid and obviously think fairly fast how to avoid a direct question.

Nopuns · 10/10/2018 15:32

Tell him , he's not funny and don't do anything else for him

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