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Original poster

To refuse to do anything ever again for FIL

131 replies

Wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2018 14:52

FIL is 87, lives alone, ok health wise albeit a bit of arthritis, very mild blood pressure issue and hard of hearing. Has always been a bit forgetful and worse since MIL died.

About 2 years ago after a near miss with a bus he gave up his car and since then has literally sat and rotted in his chair. We take him out whenever we can but otherwise he has refused to leave the house. We suspected depression and his gp spoke with him, agreed and he now takes a mild Ad. Except he forgets to take them. SIL1 was diagnosed with terminal cancer in April. It has all fallen to me and dp. BIL does sod all, never comes over, never helps and always has an excuse. Dp and I work full time and have kids. BIL kids are all adults (dp was a menopause baby so 15*years younger than siblings). Fine I don't have an issue, BIL will have to justify to himself when anything happens. I have arranged carers because I just don't have time to be there every day.

However, I am currently off work so have been going over more, cleaning house etc. Today I have been and done his shopping. Cleaned his house, done his washing etc. Carer arrived and helped out. And FIL had the nerve to tell her he had no idea who I was. Luckily I had explained who I was when she arrived as she hadn't been before. But I am livid. Had she taken him at his word it could have been horrendous. I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything.

He think he was being funny but I am. So angry. I do everything for him with absolutely no thanks. SIL2 (BIL wife) refuses to have anything to do with him and I am. Starting to understand why.

Can I legitimately refuse to do any more!

Dp is livid and having a word but still.

OP posts:
Silvercatowner · 10/10/2018 15:33

I bet he is aware of his failing memory, is terrified and is trying to cover it up with a joke. Poor bloke.

PasswordRejection · 10/10/2018 15:34

Reported it to who? The police?

Just because your FIL hasn't been diagnosed with dementia doesn't mean it's not starting. He's 87, barely leaves the house and suffers from depression. It's not a leap to suggest that this may be the cause.

PasswordRejection · 10/10/2018 15:36

You've also also said he has a problem with his memory...

cate16 · 10/10/2018 15:37

I think once you had proved your identity there wouldn't actually be a problem. Who arranged the carer? I thought you said you did anyway-so surely they would know you're involved with his care?

GooseberryJam · 10/10/2018 15:38

He doesn't have dementia

And you're certain of this how? You said he's forgetful, he's depressed and he's 87. It's incredibly likely he is in the early stages if not further along. Why deny this?

avocadoincident · 10/10/2018 15:38

You are completely over reacting and being hyper sensitive. Maybe you need a rest away from some of the responsibilities without cutting off everything

Havaina · 10/10/2018 15:39

I couldn't look after my PIL. My mum, absolutely, but not PIL. It's more bloody wife work.

I bet BIL will sniffing around for his inheritance when FIL dies.

Time to take a step back. It's not enough for your DH to have a word, I wouldn't take a huge step back and let DH sort him out or take him to a care home.

Havaina · 10/10/2018 15:40
  • I WOULD take a huge step back, that should be
overagain · 10/10/2018 15:40

Wheresthel1ght he has some memory loss, struggles in unpredictable situations (the driving), forgets to take his medication, has lost sense of acceptable social norms. Are you sure he doesn't have dementia. As in, has he been tested (bloods, CT, memory assessment clinic) or has the GP just not mentioned it?

But no YANB, you don't have to support him if you don't want.

Sashkin · 10/10/2018 15:43

“He has always been a bit forgetful, worse since MIL died”

“Near miss with a bus”

“Since then he has sat and rotted in a chair”

“He forgets to take his tablets”

OP, he absolutely has dementia. It is clear as day. Most people over 85 have some cognitive impairment. Get him to see his GP.

chocatoo · 10/10/2018 15:44

I would leave him be for a while. I would also get your partner to apply pressure to other siblings and their families to help more.

RomanyRoots · 10/10/2018 15:44

He was joking, I think it's funny.
The fil isn't the problem, it's the lazy fuckers in the family not doing their bit.
Call a family meeting and sort out who is responsible for what, if they come up with excuses, tell them when he needs full care you'll sort it and bill them for their share, and of course what you have provided so far.
In other words, you need payment for providing care, you need them to pull their weight. You need to plan what future care will mean.

HeddaGarbled · 10/10/2018 15:44

I don’t think the carer would be hurrying to report a woman doing his shopping, washing and cleaning because of one comment and without asking a few questions. She’s not daft.

You are feeling taken for granted and unappreciated and his comment came at a bad time, hence your over-reaction.

You can do less. You don’t need to try and find something as an excuse. Tell your H it’s getting too much for you.

yesmelord · 10/10/2018 15:46

He's 86 for god sake! He's an old man! Alone and yes probably getting confused.

I'm sure careers see things like this all the time and if reported then it would have easily been cleared up that you are the DIL with a few checks!

Havaina · 10/10/2018 15:50

tell them when he needs full care you'll sort it and bill them for their share, and of course what you have provided so far.

They'll probably just laugh at the bill.

Hit them where it hurts. Let the house be sold for FIL's care home fees.

DerelictWreck · 10/10/2018 15:51

How would she have reported you without your name? After all, FiL had 'no idea who you were', so he couldn't have given it!

OP I know it's stressful (been there) but it's just a poorly executed joke, you're overreacting I'm afraid.

Ilnome · 10/10/2018 15:51

Close relative with dementia- before diagnosis he would cover up his confusions and forgetfulness with humor because he didn’t know what to do, also, dementia doesn’t start at diagnosis diagnosis happens when symptoms make themselves known

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2018 15:53

So you think this carer could have "reported" you for what exactly? She would have said your FIL called you a stranger, but you're not, so again, what is there to report? Honestly, this level of drama and paranoia is laughable.

Original poster
Wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2018 15:54

I know he hasn't got dementia because I am not an idiot and have had him properly assessed by his doctors. Although people appear to be ignoring that part of my posts.

@romany you are right about the lazy gits not doing anything. Dp and I have done everything since SIL1's diagnosis. She is exceptionally ill and cannot care for him, in fact sgjhe isn't meant to be near him at all because of the infection risk but goes when she feels well enough.

BIL & his wife are a bloody nightmare and flatly refuse to do anything at all. It is why I brought carers in as we cannot do it alone. I work 50+ hours a week, dp varies between 48-60 depending on what shift week it is and then we gave 2 teenagers and a 5 year old. But you are right, he will be swift enough in hunting for his piece of the pie at whatever point FIL dies.

The carer should have called it in. It isn't her job to question or investigate an allegation. Potentially she could have been putting herself in a vulnerable position.

FIL absolutely was taking the piss. He knows exactly who I am, he just thinks he is funny. He just isn't. And I am not in the mood when I have already spent 2 hours clearly ung up after him to be treated like that

OP posts:
LilMy33 · 10/10/2018 15:55

You said so yourself OP that he is forgetful. Add to that he’s 87 it’s pretty much certain he’s suffering the onset of dementia. Definitely not a surprise surely?

Yes he said he was “only joking” but a lot of people try to cover up their own struggles like this because they are scared/ashamed/in denial. Sounds like he needs to see a doctor and the rest of the family (bar SIL who is very ill) need to step up and help out a lot more.

FilledSoda · 10/10/2018 15:56

The point of your OP is that you are doing too much and you're resenting it , understandably so.
A joke or a moment of confusion is irrelevant really.
You need to step back from the situation and let his children decide how to proceed.

agnurse · 10/10/2018 15:56

He could have dementia OR he could have an acute medical problem that's causing his forgetfulness. (This is called "delirium" and is characterized by fluctuating levels of consciousness and confusion. It has an acute onset and is caused by a physical problem such as a bladder infection or constipation. The delirium clears up when the medical issue is treated.)

Really what he needs is a complete workup. He needs bloodwork, probably a head CT, and he needs specialized testing done. It's often very easy for people to conceal dementia due to a lack of insight and the fact that sometimes the issues are easy to disguise (e.g. a person may give up driving because they can't remember how to get to a familiar place, or they may decide not to hold gatherings at their home because they can't put together the events anymore). There are specialized cognitive tests that can be done to determine his exact level of impairment.

If he's forgetting to take his medication that's not good. Really, he may need to go into a facility.

MumW · 10/10/2018 15:56

Call his bluff and say that, as he didn't recognise you today, you think it would be advisable to get checked out by the gp which you will arrange as he is bound to forget.

You can then decide whether or not you think you need to go through with it. If you don't, tell him you were only joking. I'm sure he won't find it funny.

RomanyRoots · 10/10/2018 15:56

You could tell the family that you can't do it anymore and he needs to sell his home for care fees.
Maybe they'll up their game when they see their inheritance go.
order some brochures from the homes, try and get 3 different prices and ask which they prefer.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/10/2018 15:57

Either you can cope with caring for an elderly relative or you can't and BIL is not obliged to step in. Maybe it's time to consider full time care.